129. Why Summer Is Secretly Triggering Your Anxious Attachment (Vacation Panic, Golf Trips, and the Fix)

Have you ever picked a fight the night before a wedding, spiraled halfway through a vacation you were excited for, or checked his location three times during his golf weekend and hated yourself for it?

In this episode of the Speak Honest Podcast, Jenn Noble unpacks why summer is quietly one of the most activating seasons for anyone with attachment wounds. Between vacations that remove every ounce of personal space, boys' trips that stretch the connection thin, and schedules that toss your routines out the window, summer creates the exact conditions that send an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized nervous system into overdrive. Jenn breaks down the two situations behind almost every summer trigger, forced closeness and unwanted distance, and explains what your body is actually doing when the irritability spikes or the phone checking starts. Then she walks you through her five-step R.A.I.S.E. method, straight from her book Dance of Attachment, so you have something real to use the next time the wave hits at a hotel breakfast or a backyard BBQ.

You might want to listen if:

• You feel irritable, trapped, or panicky on vacations with your partner
• You spiral, overthink, or constantly check your phone when he's away
• You have anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or disorganized attachment
• You keep picking fights in your relationship and don't know why
• You want nervous system regulation tools you can use in the moment

WORK WITH ME

• 🎯 Schedule your FREE 30-min Attachment Assessment with Jenn — see if the Fall 2026 Cohort is the right fit for you
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LEARN MORE

• Grab your copy of the #1 best-selling book, Dance of Attachment
• Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
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DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for acc...

Transcript

Welcome To Speak Honest

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in.

What Summer Triggers Really Are

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of the best-selling book, Dance of Attachment. And today I want to chat with you about those little triggers that might have been showing up over the last few months. And those are what I like to call our summer triggers. Now, you might be thinking, Jen, what on earth is a summer trigger? It makes no sense. Like, what does this mean? Summer is the best part of the year. But have you noticed lately that you've been a little bit more snappy? Or a little bit more anxious? Maybe you picked a fight with your husband the night before your cousin's wedding and you still don't really know why. Maybe you were on vacation and you were both so excited for this break, but then by day three, you wanted to crawl out of your skin. The thing is, I hear this every single year. Right around mid-July, my inbox starts filling up, and it's not filled with messages like, oh Jen, I'm having the best summer of my life. It's usually more so women asking me, Jen, why am I spiraling on this trip? Or it sounds more like he's away with his friends and I can't stop checking my phone. What do I do? And it's okay to admit that sometimes summer can be hard. Especially for those of us with attachment wounds. Anxious, avoidant, disorganized, all of it. Summer is an activation season. It breaks your routines. It forces closeness you didn't choose. It creates distance you didn't plan for. It puts your body on display, your relationship on display. It is, and I say this with love, girl, a nervous system obstacle course. So today we're going to connect those dots together. I'm going to show you why these little triggers make so much sense. And I'm going to give you something you can actually use in the moment, when your heart is pounding at somebody's wedding reception and you don't know

Heal Attachment Beyond The Podcast

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why. And if you're listening to me today, nodding your head along and feeling like so much of what we're talking about resonates with you, then I want you to know that our work together doesn't have to stop here on this podcast. This fall, we will be starting a new cohort inside the Speak Honest Academy that will take you through all the steps, module by module, on how you can heal your attachment style to the point where these summer triggers won't feel like they control your mood by next year. Because inside the academy, we actually work with your nervous system. My Dance of Attachment course is where the real healing happens. So if this summer has already been poking at you, if your eye is quite literally twitching, just thinking about your next weekend where you have to go to that summer barbecue with your husband's co-workers, then come join us. You can find out more by scheduling a free 30-minute attachment assessment with me. The link is in the show notes when you are ready. Or you can just go to danceofattachment.com slash assessment. Now let's dive in. As

Three Truths About Summer Activation

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you're listening today, I don't want you to do anything yet. I just want you to notice. Notice which of these summer moments makes your chest tighten just a little bit. Just hearing me describe it. That tightness, that heaviness, that right there is information. That's your body raising its hands saying, hey, hey, listen to me, look at me, listen up. So here's what I want you to walk away with today. I want you to keep in mind these three things. One, summer triggers are not random, and they are not proof that something is wrong with you or your relationship. They are predictable. They are patterned and they make sense. Two, almost every summer trigger falls into one of two situations forced closeness or unwanted distance. And once you can name yours, you've already taken back half of your power by this point. And then three, you cannot think your way out of an activated nervous system. You just can't. But what you can do is work with it in the moment. And I'm going to teach you the exact five-step method I use with all my clients to do just that. So let's

Forced Closeness And Vacation Panic

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start with the first situation. Forced closeness. This is the vacation panic. And oftentimes, the woman experiencing this is someone with some avoidant or disorganized patterns. Because closeness without an exit is a lot for any nervous system that learned love wasn't always safe. And vacations usually trigger a big, I am trapped, attachment wound in us. And if we're not careful, we'll let it take over the whole trip. I think about it like this, right? Think about a vacation. Think about what it actually is. It's seven days, same hotel, same car, same person at breakfast, at lunch, at dinner, in one bed on the beach together. There's no getting away. There is no, I'm gonna go run to Target and get some errands done real quick. There's no commute where you get your 45 minutes of alone time to transition. Every single pressure release valve you have built into your normal life, it's just gone. But let's remember that this isn't you secretly not wanting to be with him. Just because you feel trapped doesn't mean you don't deeply love him. Your system is used to regulating through space. And vacation, it removes that space. So your body does what bodies do when their regulation strategy disappears. It fucking panics. And so, girl, you get irritable. You start picking fights over which restaurant to go to because a fight creates distance. See how that works? A fight is your nervous system building an emergency exit. And this makes sense. It didn't come out of nowhere. Somewhere along the way, you learned that too much closeness means you lose yourself, or you risk being controlled or engulfed or being seen in ways that weren't safe. That's just learned patterning. And as we know, what is learned can be unlearned. And this happens even to the best of us. I remember when I was dating my husband and we were going on our first big road trip to visit his family, and there were so many times I wanted to just book a flight back home. I was still in the middle of my healing, my uh attachment healing journey at the time, and I was maybe probably about two years into it. And I know without the tools I have now, there is no way I could have gotten through that as someone with a disorganized attachment stance. But because I know what to expect, and I had been doing my somatic affirmations to work on my trapped wound for months leading up to that trip, I was prepared. But that doesn't mean I didn't get triggered. Sometimes, even though I love him dearly, my husband annoys the living crap out of me. And I'm sure I annoy him too. That's why it's so important not to get rid of the annoyance, but to remember it doesn't define the relationship. Because what normally happens is that most women, when this panic hits, they do one of two things. They shame themselves. Oh no, what's wrong with me? We're in paradise. I should be better than this, I should be loving him, I should be so happy. You hear all those shoulds? Or they blame him. Suddenly everything he does is annoying. His chewing, his walking, the way he says, we should do this every year, the way he reverts to a child around his older brother, or his bros, or the way he stopped calling you pet names in front of his mom. All of these moments, if you're not careful, can ruin not only your vacation, but your relationship because you're managing a threat that isn't real. Alright, so what do we do instead? Well, I want you to hold that question because I'm going to give you some tools at the end, and it works for both of these situations, but first, let's talk about the opposite problem.

Unwanted Distance And Phone Checking

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We talked about going on vacation together. But what happens if the two of you are doing something separate? Maybe he's got a trip with the boys. Or he likes to do more golf weekends in the summer. And there's usually at least a bachelor party or two happening. Or even if there's nothing planned, honestly, summer schedules, they just get weird. He's out more, plans are looser, texts come slower because everyone's outside living their lives. Now for this one, I want to talk to my anxiously attached girlies because this one is more likely going to affect you. The moment he pulls away, even for something totally innocent, even for something he planned six months ago and you've been prepared for it, your system is still going to read this as danger. So let's remember for this one, this isn't really a trust problem or an intuition issue, and it isn't about what he's doing. Right? This isn't really about him. Your attachment system is doing exactly what it was built to do. Monitor the connection and sound the alarm when the connection feels inconsistent. The checking, the texting, the scrolling his location, the mental math of, oh well, he posted a story, but he didn't answer me. Oh no, he posted a story, I see a different background comparatively to where he was last time. The overthinking is real, but that's not you being crazy. That is a nervous system trying to close the gap. Because somewhere along the way, distance meant something bad was coming. Maybe love left. Maybe love came back, but it was different. Maybe when love was away, that love decided to make a stupid choice that would impact your relationship for the rest of your life and that still lives in your body. Your body remembers. Even when your mind says it's just a golf trip. And this makes sense. Remember, it's just a learned pattern, okay? So let's reframe the cost because this is important. Every time you outsource your safety to his responsiveness, every just checking in text, every location peak, every story that you're looking at, you get maybe 90 seconds of relief. And then the anxiety is going to come back louder. And I think some of you are really resonating with what I'm saying right now because you've noticed that happening. Because you're teaching your nervous system that the only way to feel okay is proof from him. And no amount of proof is ever enough for a system that doesn't trust itself, sweetheart. Okay? It's like drinking salt water. It looks exactly like what you need, but it's just going to make you thirstier every single time. Now, I am going to hold your hand when I say this next part, and I'm going to say this so gently so you don't feel blamed. But honestly, the pressure that this puts on your relationship often creates the very distance you're afraid of in the first place. Because if you're always checking in on him and you're not trusting him to have a good time, what do you think he's gonna do? He'll likely start dreading his phone. And then he doesn't check it as often. And the less he checks it, the less he responds. And the less he responds, the more you start clinging and freaking out. And the more you're freaking out, the less he checks. And around and around we go in the dance of attachment I talk about in my book and in my academy. But it's important to remember this dance doesn't have to define you. It truly only takes one dance partner to change the steps of the entire relationship. So let's look at that part, all right? Let's look at the part where we can change this. This is the important part right here, all right? So if you want to go take some notes, grab yourself a pen, put something down in your phone, or if questions start popping up as you're listening, remember you can schedule that free attachment assessment with me at any time. The link is in the show notes. So I'm going to teach you the exact method I use with all of my clients.

The RAISE Method In Five Steps

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It's the raise method. It's straight out of my book, and it's built for moments exactly like these. Five letters, five minutes, that's it. So the wave hits you, right? He's not texting you back, you notice a different background in his story, your mind is overthinking, you're trapped in this hotel room with him, your chest is tightening, the irritability spikes, the thumb is hovering over his location. Here's what I want you to do. First, R, remove yourself. Even briefly, just for two minutes. You could just say, I'm gonna go run to the restroom real quick. I'm gonna go grab some air. Maybe you put your phone on airplane mode or you turn it off. Right? This is removing yourself from the trigger. You're not storming off. You're not avoiding him, you're not stonewalling, you're not punishing, okay? You're stepping away so you can come back. That way, you can come back as the real authentic you. Not the activated, dysregulated version of you that is currently bubbling under the surface. Two minutes in the bathroom. That's all we need. Then I want you to anchor into your body. This is the A. Here's your menu right here, okay, that I want you to choose between when you are learning how to anchor yourself. Because bodies need different things, and you are going to know what yours needs best. So here's a couple ideas. You can put your feet on the floor, press down, feel the cold floor beneath you. Maybe you can find five things that you can see. I love looking for five things of the same color, like five red items. Or how many red items can I see? You could do it right there at the dinner table. You could do it in the bathroom. You could do it after you place your phone down and you're not gonna text him. You can also try just taking one slow exhale that's slightly longer than your inhale. So maybe you inhale for four and you exhale for six. That long exhale is your body's built-in brake pedal. Another one you could try is you can run cool water over your wrists when you're in the bathroom. That one works for me. I just want you to pick what feels right to you. There's no wrong answer here. You can even just Google grounding techniques online, but this is what I want you to do. You want to anchor into your body. Next, identify. This is the eye. Identify what you're feeling. Don't just say, I'm fine. Because, girl, we wouldn't be in this bathroom if you are fine, right? I want you to go underneath that. Are you sad? Are you heartbroken? Angry? Irritated? Scared. Listen, I want you to also be careful in this part because your brain is going to try really hard to tell you something like, I feel like he doesn't love me, or I feel like this trip is never going to end. But, honey, I say this lovingly, those are not feelings, those are perceptions, those are stories, and we're going to get to those in a second. But right now I want the raw emotion. The more specific you can get, the more that wave starts to settle. Because now you're not in the wave anymore. You're just on the shore watching it. And the next S stories. What story is running in your head right now? He's pulling away. I can't do four more days of this. These are just the stories in your head. I just want you to notice them. You don't have to believe it and you don't have to fight it either. These stories are just your old attachment wounds coming up trying to keep you safe. They're not about this barbecue happening right now. So check your stories, and next we're going to work on challenging those stories that aren't real. And this is where equilibrate comes in. E. So we have R A I S E rays. Now we balance that story with facts. Yes, you feel sad right now. And he planned this trip six months ago with your input, asked you what you needed to feel safe while he was away, and kissed you goodbye this morning. He does care about you. And he does want you. Alright, so we're gonna check that story. Or if you're on vacation right now and you're stuck in a room with him and and and with the kids, and remember that, yes, you might be trapped in this hotel room, and you love this man. And you can take a walk alone for a bit. You can ask for that. You can say to him, hey, you need to go get some alone time. You can ask him for space because you trust in him and your relationship. Remember, we are not dismissing your feelings with this step. Your feelings are always valid. But we are challenging the story and the perception that comes with it. And then, from a steadier place, you get to ask yourself the real question. What do I actually need right now? Not what the panic wants. The panic wants you to text him twelve times or start to fight for space. But what do you need? Maybe it's just ten minutes on the balcony. Maybe you just want to say to him, hey, I'm feeling a little activated. Can you hold my hand for a second? Now, and this is important, raise is not a trick to make your feelings disappear, right? We don't use the raise method to not feel. And it's not a test you can ever fail. There's no right or wrong way to do this. The only wrong way to do this is to not do it. If you forget all five letters and all you can remember is to exhale, then girl, you're doing a great job. That's a win. So

Key Takeaways And Next Steps

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to make a long answer short, is there something wrong with you because summer is spinning you out? No, absolutely not. Summer strips away our routines. It forces closeness you didn't choose and it creates distance you didn't want. Sometimes all in the same weekend. Your body is not broken and your relationship is not doomed. Your nervous system is responding to real changes in your environment exactly the way it learned to. That's it. That's the whole mystery. That's all it is. And the way through is not by controlling him. It's not by changing him or telling him what to do, and it's not by white knuckling the vacation. It's turning inward. Remove yourself. Anchor into your body. Identify your feelings. Notice your story and equilibrate with facts. You raise yourself up before you respond. That's the whole move. And you don't have to master this by August, okay? There's no deadline on healing. If all you do this summer is start noticing which situation you're in, the closeness one or the distance one, well, you've already done half the work, girl, and I'm really proud of you. You're already changing the steps. And remember, you don't have to carry this change alone. That's exactly what the Speak Honest Academy was built for. It's where we work with your nervous system instead of against it. The somatic tools I teach, the dance of attachment course we go through, the whole community of women who know exactly what it's like to spiral in a hotel bathroom in a sundress you were so excited to wear. Trust me, there's no shame. No judgment. Just real rewiring at your own pace. And when you're ready, we'll be here for you. We are starting our fall cohort this September, but spaces will be limited. So if you're interested in joining us, you can schedule an attachment assessment with me now by just clicking on the link in the show notes, or you can go to danceofattachment.com slash assessment. Or if you know you're ready and you want to come join us now before the cohort even begins, then just join us at speakhonestacademy.com. You can sign up with us right there and already get in with all of the community and all of the tools that you need. All right, ladies, that is it for this week. I will speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.