124. The Difference Between Real Standards and Protective Ones | Coaching Call with Courtney (Part 3)

Are your standards protecting your heart or protecting you from ever actually having to open it?

In this episode of the Speak Honest Podcast, Jenn Noble sits down with returning guest Courtney for their third live coaching session together, and this one goes deep. They explore the difference between real standards and protective ones. The kind that feel like discernment but are quietly keeping love at arm's length. Jenn and Courtney also unpack the expectations women absorb from Disney, romance novels, and social media, and how those idealized versions of men can create an impossible filter that no real human could ever pass through. The conversation then moves into Courtney's relationship with her somatic affirmation practice, what it means when the intensity of early healing fades, and why that shift might actually be a sign of progress rather than a problem. This is a raw, real, and deeply relatable session about what it looks like to keep doing the work even when the big breakthroughs stop coming.

You might want to listen if:

• You keep dismissing people you date but can't quite explain why
• Your standards feel like protection more than genuine dealbreakers
• You've hit a wall with your healing practice and wonder if something is wrong
• You find yourself craving that early intensity of doing the work
• You want to understand what your body is telling you when your mind keeps going in circles

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DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable f...

Transcript

Welcome And Why The Gap Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of the best-selling book, Dance of Attachment. And on today's episode, oof, I just, I really loved this one, we are doing another coaching session with Courtney. And she is just someone that has really been doing the work. And I mean really doing it. Not just reading about it, not just talking about it, but actually showing up for herself in real time, having real conversations and in real moments where it would have been so easy to shrink. Because one of the things I notice with the women I work with, and maybe you can relate to this too, is that you get it. Like you understand the patterns, you've done enough reading, enough therapy, enough reflecting to know exactly what you're doing and why you're doing it. And then life happens. And someone says something, or a date goes a certain way, or a friendship gets uncomfortable, and all of that knowing, it can just disappear right in the moment. And that's just part of being human. That's actually what this session is all about. We get into a few things today. We talk about how the standards we hold for men are maybe not quite where we want them to be. And honestly, the expectations we've absorbed from everything around us, Disney, social media, romance, novels, all of it, can quietly become protective walls instead of actual discernment. And there's a difference between a real standard and a protective standard. And if you've ever found yourself dismissing someone for a reason you couldn't quite explain, then we're going to explore that. We also get into somatic affirmations. What happens when the intense, dedicated phase of healing starts to shift, and your body is just kind of done with doing it the old way, which honestly might actually be a sign that something is working, not that something is wrong. And then there's the bigger thread running through all of it. This idea that even when we understand something logically, our body sometimes has a completely different answer. The work isn't forcing those two things to match. The work is in learning to actually listen to what your body is telling you without judging it for what it's saying. So if you're someone who finds yourself going, listen, I know what I should do, I just can't seem to do it in the moment, then this episode is for you. That gap between knowing and feeling, it's so real. And it's actually where most of our growth is happening. And if you want support in real time, not just theory, but actually working through this stuff live with coaching, community, women who are doing the same thing right alongside you, then the Speak Honest Academy is where that is happening. We have live coaching, we have a space to practice everything that you learn, and we are doing it together in community. And if you've been thinking about joining, then I want you to come and check us out. You can head to speakhonestacademy.com or you can scroll down to the show notes and click on the link down there. But for now, as you listen today, I just want you to notice. Notice where you feel something in your body. Notice where you pull away or where something lands a little too close to home. Don't analyze it. Just notice. Now, let's dive in. Hey,

Courtney’s Friendship Boundary Win

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Courtney. Thank you so much for coming back on the Speak On Us podcast. So good to see you again. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 4:09

I'm doing good. Thank you so much for having me here. It's always a pleasure.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

Yeah. I'm really excited to dive in. I know you and I had talked about a couple things you might want to look into today with like your parts work and different ways that we are uh acknowledging men and different things we're talking about, you know, inside of the academy. But uh I want to know how your conversation with Olivia went.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Okay. So um I think to be honest, I think the how we talked about, you know, that form of mindfulness by like taking that one color and putting it in the area of your body that you feel is your safety and your safe place. And that did actually a fantastic job of kind of keeping me grounded in the moment. And I I want to say like keep me being myself because rather than being kind of like overcome and kind of losing, because when I uh get triggered, I think I notice that sometimes I'll just I'm like a deer in the headlights, like I my ability to be think decreases significantly, and I'm not in a great position to be able to like come up with a counter-argument or measurement or kind of be able to defend myself if need be. And so that kind of allowed me to do that, and so having a conversation with her, I noticed that basically it's a lot of kind of expectations on her part in for her to feel safe. I think she needed me to change and to be someone who is not myself. So, and with allowing me to kind of stay grounded, that just kind of helped me see that I want to be who I am, and I'm no longer going to be that people-pleasing person who is going to acquiesce and to change who I am so the other person can feel comfortable, and having conversation made me kind of realize just how different of opinions and perceptions, and that she kind of saw me a lot lesser than what I actually was, and I don't know what it is. I mean, she is entitled to her own thoughts and feelings and perceptions just as I am, and I don't feel that I need it, doesn't feel right to have to defend myself to say like I am this great person, and I am doing a lot more than you think that I'm doing, and I don't I don't even know why she had some of the perceptions that she did, but um I know that I'm not no longer going to acquiesce to that.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

That's so powerful. Yeah, how do you feel right now, just like sharing that out?

SPEAKER_02 7:20

Uh it it feels good, it feels like I'm finally kind of standing up for myself and just kind of no longer having to bend over backwards to feel that in order to keep this person I'd rather keep myself.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

In order to keep this person, it sounds like what you're saying is like in order to keep this person, you'd have to change too much of who you are, and you'd rather keep yourself.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Yeah. One of my favorite things you just said was um, I don't even know why she has those perceptions of me. So, like, what I love about that so much is just the language and the vibe and the energy behind that statement, which is goes to show you how far you've come. I was telling you this yesterday too, of like just how far you've come to be able to not take on someone else's perception of you as the full reality of who you are. And also just the idea that you're saying her perception, meaning like you validate the way she sees things. You're not villainizing her, you're not making her a terrible person, you're just saying, I don't even know why she perceives me this way, but I'm just gonna let her because what can I do? And I can tell her who I am, but if she's not willing to see that, then that's her loss. And that is just badass. Can I just say that? Like, it's it's like where we all want to be.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

I had a great teacher.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

Well, you should like get me in contact with her. She sounds great.

unknown 8:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

I'm sure she would uh value your expertise in many, many ways. And I have actually suggested it to her. Oh, but hey, we all we all have our own journey that we want to make.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Yeah. No, I I I love this for you. So sounds like you taught you handled that really well. I don't even hear a lot of post like mortem ruination happening of like, I could have done this, I could have done that. So I'm just so proud of you. I think that's great. Use this for any future evidence you need for any of your somatic affirmations. And then let's jump into what you want to chat about today. How can I help you for today? What's on your mind?

SPEAKER_02 9:22

Yes.

Disney Men And Social Media Perfection

SPEAKER_02 9:23

So something that maybe a lot of people are actually pretty familiar with, it's in regards to the romantic aspect. I mean, right now, ladies, we have some lovely, fantastic books going out, like so many about um these idealized versions of men. And our men that we have currently, there's no way they're gonna be able to live up to that because it's not realistic. And then there's there's Disney and Love Disney, um, but their portrayal of human, like male and female relationships and like how we expect to see these men are very, very different from reality. And I feel like a lot, I actually had a realization that I think a lot of reason why we may not go or want to have a relationship with them, or we get disappointed in the men that are out there, or we just we don't accept anyone because they don't meet our ideal expectations, which I can for some people based off of these books and these um these movies, which are impossible for them to live up to. And I know us as women, we have also experienced somewhat similar things, especially with like media and how it trades women and how they expect us to be and look a certain way. And that's not right, and it's just it kind of goes to show you that it can be the opposite, too. Men can also be experiencing this, and that's not to say that the challenges that they have been going through growing up and their exposure to societal expectations and all of that. Um interesting.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:29

I think we were we were talking about this yesterday where you mentioned something of like, oh, I see men this way. Like I want like a man like a Disney, you know, I want Prince Eric. I want like whatever. Who doesn't use it? I mean, he's hot. He was my first crush as a cartoon character. Um, but like all of these things. And that I the the most important part about that is the realization that yes, as women, we do objectify men. We just we absolutely do. Like, again, to be clear, women have been objectified in horrific ways. And so it's just not it, it's apples and oranges, I understand. And also, I like to own and honor the fact that yes, we objectify men in these ways where we see them on TV or we see these lovely relationships, and we're like, why can't you be like that? You know, like, oh, here's a man and he takes care of the house. Why can't you be like that? Right? Like, here's a man and he has no problems and he's just there for his wife. Why can't you be like that? And the thing is this is also becoming a problem in our digital world, TikTok, Instagram, all of those where we see men online and we're like, oh, look, he takes care of his wife that way, he takes care of the kids this way, he does this this way. Why can't you do that? But we only see a limited form of what they want to show us. Right. And now we put in our we put it into our heads of this perfectionism. So we can have perfectionism trauma in ourselves. We can want to be perfect and people please and bend over backwards. And if we're doing that to ourselves, we are going to have a covert expectation that they should be doing the same thing for us. When the truth of the matter is they are human, they are autonomous beings that also suck at life, just like we do. You know, like they they do things wrong and they have emotions and they have their own childhood trauma. And truly joining in a healthy, secure relationship is understanding and allowing space for that. And that starts with dating, right? And you're dating.

SPEAKER_02 13:21

Attempting to.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, listen, very yoda here, but do or do not. There is no try, right? Like you are dating. Okay. And then you are going through that in terms of how are we choosing men? How are we, you know, swipe especially such a digital age, right? We're swiping and we're looking and we're wanting all this stuff, but we're not allowing sometimes for that space of exploration and curiosity. And you go out on a date and he wears the wrong color and we just discard them, don't we? Like, or he says a stupid joke and it's not that funny. And we're like, well, obviously his humor doesn't match mine, so we don't call him back. But like the truth of the matter is, like, so what? Is that the non-negotiable that we're willing to give up? But and we talked about this right a little bit, when we have standards, quote unquote standards, we can have real standards, realistic standards, standards of a relationship we want, or we can have protective standards. And these are the standards that hold us back from having the relationships we deserve because we don't like the way they brush their teeth, or we don't like the way they wear their hair, or we don't like the fact that, you know, they're a Dodgers fan. And although no, I'll allow that one. That's probably a non-negotiable for me. You can't be a Dodgers fan. Like, you know, but you have to figure out insert your non-negotiable here. Um, and that would be different for everyone. For some people, religion is a non-negotiable, right? Whether they have it or don't, and whatever it is. For some people, that doesn't matter. Uh, some people would need to date someone else who is also vegetarian. Someone else doesn't matter. Someone would need to date someone who lives local, someone else, it doesn't matter. The goal is figuring out what works for you. So, as I say that, what's coming up for you? What thoughts are going on in your head?

SPEAKER_02 15:16

So, for me, I'm I'm kind of thinking exactly as that. And you know, I call it the Facebook phenomenon where everyone posts the most beautiful aspects of their life, and yet they leave out all the hard stuff. And so I think when it comes to choosing men and when it comes to knowing what you want and the different parts of yourself and finding those different parts of yourself that really kind of are preventing you from finding that guy, just as you were saying, like those protective parts, that's kind of what I want to explore.

Meeting Protective Parts In Dating

SPEAKER_02 15:50

Like what uh what does that look like going in there and finding those parts of what what do you even talk to them about? Like how, what kind of conversation can you have?

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Yeah. Well, let's explore some of those protective parts. Have you looked at getting to know any of your protective parts inside of yourself? Or did is this like a new thing you're kind of just exploring?

SPEAKER_02 16:13

This is a new thing that I'm just exploring. I'm still having the that little bit of a challenge with the whole there is definitely a very strong part of myself that has recently, actually not recently, for the past like six months, has been making it very challenging to do um somatic uh processing. And so I have a strong resistance to that. So I have not attempted that right now, so it's gonna be a lovely surprise going in.

SPEAKER_00 16:40

That's so fun. Can you let's talk about that a little bit? Um, what is the resistance? Do you know what like what is the wall that you're hitting?

SPEAKER_02 16:50

Uh it's just that when I try to do my somatic reprocessing and my affirmations with that bodily feeling, like I guess I think there's a part of me that is just resisting that, that is not wanting to um go through with that. Like I'll I'll kind of start to do it, and they'll just be like, Yeah, no, we're not going that way, or let's focus on this instead, or let's go over here. And so it's just a feeling of like not wanting to go down that path and not can wanting to try and do those. And I think I kind of threw that part of me off a little bit when I was including the different parts of myself. Like, imagine talking to that part of myself that has that wound. And they so they allowed me to do that like once or twice. Once or twice. But after that, it was like that's all you know. I I see what you're doing here.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

It's interesting because as we know, somatic affirmations is the process in which we are quite literally rewiring our nervous system to be able to be who it is we want to be, right? Like not who we want to be, like who we are, right? Like who we authentically are. Because, like, listen, I want to be like a multi-million dollar hot bod lady that's like kicking ass as a CEO. That's also not completely who I am in alignment. I'm also incredibly lazy and I like comfortable shoes, right? Like, there's two different things there of like, oh, who do I want to be? But like who also just am I? And somatic affirmations create inside of us who we truly are. It takes us back to center, right? It allows us to come back to who we authentically are as our as our being. And yet, there's something inside of you that says, no, I don't want that. Like, I don't want this right now. And so I wonder what that is to some extent, if it's protecting you for some reason, or if it's scared itself to change, because look how far you've come. Like, we have actual evidence to showcase that this works. There's no way you would have had this conversation with your friend six months ago.

SPEAKER_02 19:06

Oh no, no. And I'm even then I was kind of like terrified to have this conversation with her from the very beginning. Like I literally had to like talk to you like Jen. Yeah. Um, please help me.

SPEAKER_00 19:21

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And that's again, to be clear, in a secure attachment way, that is still very secure. That terrified feeling is normal, right? It's when we don't um act or have behave in ways that aren't like it's like where you like or like you say yes, you're gonna have this uh meeting with her or whatever, and then you're like, uh no, never mind, I'm sick, go away. Like, and then you just ghost her or flaker or something like that. That would be like not in alignment with who you are. So being terrified is normal. And it didn't prevent you from doing anything. So that feeling was good. But if it had shut you down, or let's say it made you sick or you couldn't go to work, or let's say like you canceled a date because of this meeting with her, that's when we would be looking at that, like, okay, here's where your behaviors and your actions are unaligned with who you want to be. But when it comes to being able to have these, that's where that comes from. It's by rewiring it from the inside out. So if we keep going with that, you can keep being who you want to be. So maybe and I I I'm right now what I'm doing is I'm I'm talking and poking around at the same time, right? I'm kind of talking, poking, watching your body language, figuring things out. And I'm wondering something here.

When Healing Turns Into Maintenance

SPEAKER_00 20:30

I'm gonna talk to that part of you that doesn't want you to do somatic affirmations right now and ask it to some extent Is it because like you just need a break from it? Like, have you been healing for so long and thinking there's something wrong with you for so long that you just want to be in this new secure space that you're in right now?

SPEAKER_02 20:51

Interesting. It it's kind of like a feeling came up. It was more like um kind of a feeling of lightness and like a little bit of peace. But like at the first at the beginning part, it was like no, and then later on it was like a little bit yes, but then also no, you don't know me, but also maybe you're kind of right. Maybe it was like, oh, I was like, yes, I I have been working, and at the same time, no.

SPEAKER_00 21:18

If if you were, let's see, I don't know if you've ever truly like dieted. Like I used to have to diet like hardcore, right? Back when I was like 300 pounds, it was like intense dieting kind of thing. And it was like you cut calories. But by the way, for the record, I'm gonna say this is not good to do, but this is what I used to do. But you like cut calories hardcore to lose that weight, right? Like you go into it hardcore. You're at the gym, you're with a personal trainer, you are watching, you're weighing, you're measuring, and then you lose the weight. Then what do you do? Because if you keep measuring and going hardcore, you are gonna lose too much now. So you actually need to get into what is like a maintenance phase. So I'm wondering if there's anything in your body that's still trying to do somatic affirmations, like that first time when it was brand new and it was this high. And I wonder if now we can find you a new way to do it. Something that is more ease, more maintenance.

SPEAKER_02 22:19

Yeah, no, I I will say that I think I was looking specifically for the intensity and the dedication slash desperation. Yes!

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Dedication slash desperation is like, I mean, you need to like trademark that. That is everything. Dedication slash desperation. I think that's the type of healing that we're constantly seeking. And now, unfortunately, girl, you're healing and it's gonna get boring.

unknown 22:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:52

You don't get those big mountaintop aha moments anymore because you just are. I love mountaintops. I know, I do too. Then and here's oh, you want to hear something fun where your brain is gonna really mess with you if you're not careful.

SPEAKER_01 23:06

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

If your body is seeking out those mountaintop experiences, right? Those dedication and desperation type experiences where you heal something and it makes this amazing moment. It's like that runner's high, right? It's like that feeling. If you are seeking that, then your life, your body, your mind, your subconscious will start to create conflict again to get oh, got it.

SPEAKER_02 23:32

Do you want that? No, I don't.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

No, yeah. And that's so interesting. Uh that's how we self-sabotage.

SPEAKER_02 23:40

Yeah. But I'm wondering if I'm also kind of self-sabotaging myself by not by preventing myself from doing these semantic informations.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

That's such a good question. And I genuinely just want to honor that because I think you're living in the world that is most women right now, which is like, I do, I self-sabotage. I don't do, I self-tabotage. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Right? Like, and the truth of the matter is I can't answer that for you. But what I can do is get you to check in with your body. So let's hold. You want to try something with me?

SPEAKER_01 24:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

Let's hold both in your hand. Let's hold doing somatic affirmations in that like intense way. And then not doing them. Which one feels more like self-sabotage right now?

SPEAKER_02 24:25

Interesting. The the first one that I went to was doing Okay.

SPEAKER_00 24:33

Good. And I'm really listening to your body in this moment right here. I think your body is really smart, and maybe the way we were doing somatic affirmations with you, it doesn't it's just not cutting it anymore. You're ready for something new, something deeper, something like deeper in a different way. Like sustainable. Like the way I do them, right? I I tell you guys all the time I do them very differently than you guys do them, right? Like I teach you guys how to do them in the beginning, but mine are very chill now. I just gotta lay down at night and think about my day. I journal. And sometimes if I'm having like a really bad moment, like, you know, exams are coming up, or I'm feeling like I didn't get some uh grant I needed or something like that, and I'm feeling not enough, or I'm feeling like I'm worthless, I'm feeling like I'm incapable, like and those old wounds are coming up, then I will take the time that week to do a more intentional somatic affirmation. But otherwise, it's just kind of more like I'm happy, I'm enough. My son loved me today. My girlies in the academy got something out of what I said. I have what I have to say is valuable. Right? Do you see that? Do you see kind of how like I do it more like freely?

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Got it. It's interesting because like when I was um, I feel like it was always the I think the part that I'm having the challenging is connecting the feeling with no, it's actually no, that's not well, it is a little bit, but doing it's the integration. Cause like even just doing that light-hearted has a little bit been a little bit challenging to do. Because like I actually before, like when I first start my somatic affirmations, I'm able to do like a bunch of them. Like it's hard at the beginning, and then later on it gets so much easier, and I'm able to do it like super easy. Um but no, this is just doing them at all.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Yeah, now you're just like, what do you even have? Well, then let's look at that. Because what would you say you're struggling with right now in your life? Like if I were to say to you, what's your biggest struggle right now?

SPEAKER_02 26:51

For me, I would have to say my perception of romance and meh.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

Then let's rewire that.

SPEAKER_02 27:00

And then also I because I actually think I've been doing a lot of work on like I'm worthy as I am.

SPEAKER_00 27:05

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 27:07

But you know, maybe I'm wondering if because like before it's you need that 21 days to reprocess. What if it's less?

SPEAKER_00 27:18

Probably not. No, I mean, it it's it's oftentimes, well, I mean, listen, again, days and numbers are arbitrary, but research shows that habits stick after about 22 to 66 days because that is how long it takes for your neurons like in your brain to fire and wire together, to be stuck together, right? We talk about this oftentimes, like a cornfield. You can walk over a path in a cornfield and kind of make a little path, but it'll come back up and you gotta go again and you gotta go again and you gotta go again. Now, if you make a path down a cornfield and then you leave it be for a week and you don't touch it, it might grow back up again. But that doesn't mean it wasn't down, and so you just gotta come come back in and like push it down again. So it's there's there's no hard and fast roll here, but I like to say 30 days because it's just nice and easy and tidy and structured. But the truth of the matter is there is also so much more that we're doing when we're reinforcing this belief. So let's say we're trying to put a belief together that you are enough, or I don't know, give me something if you want. Uh that way I can make this more geared towards you.

SPEAKER_02 28:24

Okay. Um let's do the same one, I guess I've over I'm worthy as I am.

SPEAKER_00 28:29

Yeah, I'm worthy as I am. So at nighttime, let's say you do your somatic affirmations during your alpha theta brainwave state during the nighttime. So that's when you're doing it. That's not the only time you're creating that pathway. Okay. That is the time in which it is easiest. So if you were out creating a cornfield, you know, um, pathway, that would be you creating it with a large two by four, with like a machine, being able to press down the cornfield. It just makes it fast and easy. It's just, it's, it's just nice and tidy, it's easy to go. But if you also tell other people, hey, walk this path. Well, you walk this path so it stays down during the day, then that path is going to stay down, making it your job easier at nighttime again to create, keep creating it and keep reinforcing it. So when you have something that says, I am worthy as I am, you're doing so much more than just nighttime affirmations. You're doing them during the day. You're doing them when you talk to yourself, your daily inner monologue. You're doing them when you're at work, you're doing them when you're talking to your friend, you're doing them when you're talking to me. There's a go on.

SPEAKER_02 29:42

I was gonna say, oh, interesting. So it's not just so that very well could be in it as itself. Perhaps I am actually doing it throughout the day. And then when I finally get at night where I'm like, okay, I'm ready. Yeah. And it's like, uh-huh, girl, we've been doing this throughout the day. I'm tired. Yeah. Like hard pass.

SPEAKER_00 30:05

What does your body want to do at night time other than somatic affirmations?

Listening To Your Body At Night

SPEAKER_02 30:11

Read, sleep.

SPEAKER_00 30:14

Then let's listen to that. Okay. Because that's the part of life that like life is meant to be enjoyed. Right? Life is meant to be experienced. To see the joy in it. Like just to look up right, look up in your room right now and just find something that could bring you joy. Can you see something in your room? Your little cat tower? Is that a cat tower behind you?

SPEAKER_02 30:47

It is a cat tower. I was looking for specifically the cat that's asleep on the cat tower, but they're no longer in the room.

SPEAKER_00 30:56

Yeah. Like, feel that feeling in your body. That's joy. That's love. That's experience. So at the end of the night, when you're falling asleep, we don't want to force our bodies to do something that doesn't feel good. We want to fall asleep feeling like our life is amazing, filled with gratitude, filled with those experiences, filled with reading. Whatever that reading is, you know, whether I I actually make an effort now not to read self-help books at night.

SPEAKER_02 31:34

Ah.

SPEAKER_00 31:35

Because I need to read more fiction and just have fun.

SPEAKER_02 31:39

Okay, we're talking about the spicy romance novels.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

I do love a good spicy romance. I love a good fantasy spicy romance too. Like you want to get into dragons and shit. Like, yes. Yes. Because, like, and then the difference is is there's going to be some people that are reading those, you know, spicy romance novels and they don't feel good when they wake up in the morning. They don't feel good. They feel like trash and they don't feel like they're doing anything. It's like, so this all completely and utterly depends on how do you feel when you wake up in the morning. Are you feeling refreshed? Are you feeling happy? Are you feeling gratitude? Are you feeling like you're ready to start the day? And then it's like, great.

SPEAKER_02 32:19

Like, are you feeling tired because you stayed up all late last night finishing the good because that too?

SPEAKER_00 32:25

So you got to be careful not to read something too good. Cause like that also, sometimes I don't read too good of books at night because I don't go to bed. I find I try to find that happy medium. But like all of those decisions that we make in life is where it comes from. And so the only thing is, is this is like anything. This is this is like social media, this is like sugar, this is like alcohol, this is this could even be like running, like exercise, like anything. If we are using it to numb, if we are using it as a crutch, if we are using it to avoid something in our lives, and we can't seem to like exist without it. You know what I mean? We're put too much into it and it's making us feel depleted and gross and disgusting. That's when we have to like kind of ask ourselves, well, what are we doing? And I'm gonna say the same thing for any sort of healing. If you're going to therapy, but every time after therapy you come home and the rest of the week you you feel like shit. That's not good, guys. Like if you're seeing me right now, like you're talking to me as your coach, but every time after, like, yeah, sometimes we can have heavy emotions after coaching and that can, but you know, I've I think we understand the difference of the feeling I'm trying to talk about here is that like long-term feeling of like just dread or depletion. Then that means something isn't working. And we're just going to explore why. But the key here, the key, the difference between our old insecure self, our old, you know, non-secure attachment stance that we used to have is we would feel that way and we would think something is wrong with us. I am broken. I am messed up. I am not enough. I can't do this. I am incapable. I am useless. And instead, now we're gonna see and feel those feelings and we're gonna say, Oh, well, what in my life can I change to feel better? What do I have control? What that's our agentic principle that we we talk about all the time, right? Like, what do I have control over to allow me that space for happiness?

SPEAKER_02 34:17

That's so true. I think a lot of times when we are in those periods of time where we we feel broken or we feel hurt or we feel not enough, or just sitting in our own limited beliefs, we don't realize that what can I do to change that feeling? Or what can I do? What can I change? What part of my life can I change to make something a little bit different?

SPEAKER_00 34:44

Yeah. It is the oldest prayer of all time, and I still think it fits everything. But it's, you know, grant me the serenity to know what I can control or to control the things I can control, to let go of the things I can't control, and the wisdom to understand the difference. I know I think that's even like a AA thing, like an alcoholics anonymous thing, but like that phrasing sticks. It hits no matter when and where and what age of the world. But we've all been saying this to some extent over the dawn of existence of like, here's what we can control, here's what we can't. How do I understand the difference? And it's kind of like you were saying before, like, oh, do I, is this thing causing me self-sabotage, or is it not causing, or is this thing causing me self-sabotage? And sometimes it's checking in with your body, maybe doing a silly thing like holding them both in your hands and scenes. You'd be surprised, but I've done this with other people, and one starts getting heavier, and they're like, why is my right hand moving down? And I was like, You listening to your body, not to me. Like, this is where it gets woo-woo. Let me tell you, when I can research it long enough with an fMRI machine, I'll tell you why it works. Until then, trust. But our bodies are so fucking smart. Like they just are.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

So tell me what's going on with this deal with um the romantic aspect because I'm at a lot.

Naming The Fear Behind Avoidance

SPEAKER_00 36:13

Well, that's what I want you to check in. What's protecting you? What's going on? Even as you talk about it and you ask, I'm not sensing a specific issue happening. There's just an overarching fear. So let's get more clear. And maybe we don't have time for that right now, but that's what I want you to explore this week is what is protecting you? What are you afraid of? What's holding you back? And start piecing out those beliefs that are coming up because that's what you want to work on. It's kind of just like somatic affirmations. Somatic affirmations are just our attachment wounds. Our attachment wounds are just our limited beliefs. So, what limited beliefs do we have? Some people have the limited belief of like all men cheat. So, what's the point? Why would I ever, if I truly believed all men cheat, why would I ever date a man? So, like, what do we think? Like, there's no good men out there, they're all taken. Like, what is it? What is our belief? What is the fear? What is the thing holding us back? That's what I want you to explore. Do you have it?

SPEAKER_02 37:13

I have no idea.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

Okay, good. Then, because until we get to there, it's just an overarching belief system in our body keeping us safe. Because if we believe men suck, then we don't have to date them and then we don't have to get hurt. But we have to get hurt. That's that's where the best things are on the other side of that.

SPEAKER_02 37:39

Why do we have to get hurt though?

SPEAKER_00 37:42

Why do we have to get hurt? Because risk comes with consequences sometimes. Because if you want the the best, if you want the good in life, then you have to be willing to risk yourself. And sometimes with that risk comes hurt. It means meeting men that are annoying, meeting men that you have to talk to or that you have to communicate with or set boundaries with. And those conversations aren't easy. But it's through those moments you're able to find the ones that do matter to you. Just like with your conversation with your friend. Having that conversation with her allowed you the freedom to kind of let go of that friendship a little bit more. Without realizing it, you there is a part in your body holding on to that friendship in ways where there was no closure yet in that friendship, right? That conversation allowed for a little bit of extra closure. It was a hard conversation, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_02 38:47

Yeah, it was certainly not easy, but it's it was freeing in that I actually allowed myself to speak up.

unknown 38:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:58

Let's take that energy into dating. Ugh. Yeah, that. I love that. That's your molasses part talking when she gets exhausted because she has to do more. And I love her for that so much. And also, she now needs to know she has all these other parts that are helping her. She doesn't have to do this alone anymore. But you know what you want. You want you want a relationship. You want a partner in life, don't you? Do I? I don't know, actually. Listen, if this is changing, good. Good. Because maybe, you know what? Listen, and that's real, and that is absolutely real. And then I'll wrap us up here in a little bit. But like we could have gone into this entire thing of healing thinking this is what I always wanted. And then as you healed, realizing I'm fine. I maybe don't want this. Like some people have healed and learned that they're completely different than they expected. They just thought for so long they were supposed to be this one way. I'm supposed to be, you know, a monogamous woman who's dating a man. And then as she heals herself, realizes, oh, actually, I think I might be polyamorous and I like women. Because like we're so into one type of way that we think society expects us. I'm not saying you're a polyamorous lesbian yet, but go on.

SPEAKER_02 40:21

I was gonna say, like, I think I'm avoiding because I don't want the pain. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 40:26

Yeah.

Pleasure, Pain, And A Full Life

SPEAKER_00 40:28

And when we avoid something because we don't want the pain, then we also don't get the pleasure.

SPEAKER_02 40:32

Just makes me think like, was there pleasure from the other times that I was dating?

SPEAKER_00 40:38

Was there pleasure from the other times you were dating? I think if you looked back, you'd say, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

There was fun times, good times, pleasurable times.

SPEAKER_02 40:53

Okay, yeah, I'm just being um nitpicky right now.

SPEAKER_00 40:58

And because, and that comes with that belief of perfectionism as well. We want perfectionism in our relationships as much as we want it in our partners and as much as we want it in ourselves. But like a relationship can be both good and bad. Right? Why do you think I love doing rosebud thorns with you ladies in the academy? Because I really try hard to teach you guys that's all about the good and the bad. Like true life is being able to, like, if we, if we would do it, right? I would have you guys on a circle write down all the bad shit that went down in your day, and then write all the good shit that went down in your day, and then merge them together and see that's a fulfilled life. That right there is a fulfilled like this morning. I stubbed my toe. It still hurts. I still keep rubbing it when I'm talking to you right now. Like I stub my toe, and that was really annoying, and it really hurt me, and I'm really frustrated. Also, I'm having a really good day, and I'm about to, you know, uh send my IRB application in. But also, I forgot to do an entire document that my professor told me to do, and so now we're not putting it in yet. Stupid Jen, right? Do you hear, do you hear that inner critic? That's not true. I'm not stupid. Like, and I sometimes forget things because I have a lot on my plate. Do you hear my life? Like, do you hear the equilibration happening in real time?

SPEAKER_02 42:07

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 42:07

That's that's that's just life. It is this constant just bubbling version of just good and bad and growing and and excitement and despair. And those are just the true feelings of being human. Getting to a place where we understand to have all those feelings and feel them in our body and not be afraid of them and not run away from them is when we get to feel the true lived experience of our humanity. It's it's just kind of cool.

SPEAKER_02 42:36

That is beautiful, the way that you put that. It was really beautiful. I feel like I'm just rewiring now my neuropathway, just listening to you.

SPEAKER_00 42:46

There you go. We're putting down new paths right now. All right, so let me know as we're finishing

Homework To Uncover Limited Beliefs

SPEAKER_00 42:50

up now. What do you, what is your homework for this week?

SPEAKER_02 42:54

Uh my homework. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 42:58

What do you want to work on? Crap. Um, I want to say I can help you if you want, but I wanted to hear. I was, I would like for you to explore this protective nature inside of you around dating. So that way when we come back and talk, whether it be in group or whether it be in our next session, that I want to start being able to write down the different limited beliefs holding you back and let's see how we can start to rewire some of those, reprocess some of those in your brain. Let's use a type of somatic affirmation for those limited beliefs.

SPEAKER_02 43:29

Interesting. Limited beliefs indeed.

SPEAKER_00 43:30

We've graduated past just I am statements now. So we're gonna start doing like they are statements. You know, okay. That's that's kind of where that comes in. Like they are assholes. Yes, I can go with that. Yeah, you're like you're so good with the I ams. So now it's like, you know you are. So now let's start figuring out who they are.

SPEAKER_01 43:52

Oh, this will be interesting. This is yeah, I think it'll be fun. Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.

SPEAKER_00 43:58

Yeah. All right. So start doing that just. Play with your body, you know, like ask her questions, play with your parts, see if you can touch into any of them. Hold some stuff in your hands if you want to, and just with a sense of ease this week. Just see if you can start figuring out what some of those beliefs are. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 44:17

All right. Beautiful. Is that a good place for us to wrap up today then?

SPEAKER_01 44:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 44:20

All right. All right. Thank you so much. And I will speak with you next time, okay?

SPEAKER_02 44:24

Sounds good.

SPEAKER_00 44:24

All right. Take care. Wow. Such

What Resistance Is Trying To Tell You

SPEAKER_00 44:31

a great session with Courtney. And I just want to take a second and honor the work that happened in that conversation. Because it wasn't perfect, right? It wasn't this big clean breakthrough moment where everything got resolved. And that's the point. That's what real healing looks like. It's not perfect, it's not linear, it's messy, and it's layered. And sometimes you're sitting there going, wait, am I self-sabotaging or do I just need a break? And both of those can be true at the same time. What I want you to take away from today's episode is this the goal isn't to always have the answer. The goal is to stay in the conversation with yourself, to keep noticing. Because your emotions, all of them, even the uncomfortable ones, are information. Your resistance is information. Your frustration when someone doesn't meet your expectations, yep, that is also information. The sadness that comes up when you think about your past relationships, yep, more information. Even that low level irritation when someone asks you to do something and your body just doesn't want to do it anymore, yeah, that's also information. It's not that those feelings are bad. It's that we've been taught to judge them instead of listening to them. And the shift is when you stop asking what's wrong with me, and you start asking, what is this feeling trying to tell me? Now, for those of you who are listening along, who are coaches or counselors or practitioners, let's look at three things I did to support the work in this session.

Three Coaching Moves To Borrow

SPEAKER_00 46:04

First, I followed her thoughts. We started talking about the conversation with her friend. We moved into idealized expectations of men, then into protective parts, then into somatic affirmations, and then into dating fears. And now that might sound all over the place, but it wasn't. That's actually her subconscious leading us exactly where it needed to go. As coaches, we can get so attached to having one clean takeaway at the end of a session. But sometimes the most important thing you can do is just stay curious and follow the thread, even when it feels like you're bouncing around, because usually there is a through line. You just have to trust it. Now, the second thing I did was I used a somatic body check-in in real time. When she couldn't figure out whether avoiding her somatic affirmations were self-sabotage or something else, I didn't try to answer that for her. I had an idea in my head, but I wanted to check in with her. So I asked her to hold both possibilities, one in each hand, and then just notice which one felt heavier. That was it. No analysis, no framework, no explaining, just what does your body say? And she got her answer immediately. And that technique is so simple. So don't underestimate it. Use things like that with your clients when you can. The body knows things the mind is still arguing about. And the other thing I did was I reframed resistance as information rather than a problem. So when she told me that she'd been hitting a wall with her practice for the last six months, I didn't treat that as a setback. I got curious about it. And what we found was that she had actually moved into a different phase of her healing. So the intensity she was looking for wasn't available anymore because she didn't need it in the same way. And that's really great progress. And part of our job as coaches is to help someone see that difference. See, as facilitators, it's worth remembering that a session doesn't have to be tidy to be powerful. Sometimes the most valuable thing you offer is just staying present, following what's alive in the room, and then trusting that the subconscious is always pointing us somewhere worth going. Now, if you're listening to all of this and you're thinking, sure, I get this in theory, Jen, but in real life, in the moments that count, I still freeze. I still go into my old patterns. I still can't quite figure out what my body is telling me. Well, that's exactly the work we do inside of the Speak Honest Academy.

Join The Academy And Practice Noticing

SPEAKER_00 48:35

Live coaching, real-time support, a community of women who are working through similar but different stuff all at the same time. And you don't have to figure it out alone. You don't have to heal alone. You get to have friends and a community of women who get it. And you don't have to wait until you have it all together to ask for help. That's not how this works. So if you want to join us inside of the Speak Honest Academy, you can scroll on down to the show notes, click on the link there, or head to speakhonestacademy.com and we'll see you inside. But this week, I want you to try this one thing. When you notice a feeling coming up, whether it's in a conversation or a date, or when you're scrolling or suddenly you feel like you're not enough, maybe it's even when you're coming to join the Speak Honest Academy and you feel this big feeling in your body come up. I want you to just pause. Don't fix it. Don't worry about it. Don't explain it away. Just ask yourself, what is this actually telling me? You are already doing more than you think. All right, ladies, I'll speak with you all next week. Take care.

Final Reminder And Subscribe

SPEAKER_00 49:49

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.