114. The Truth About Self-Sabotage (It’s Not What You Think)

Why do you keep doing the exact things you told yourself you wouldn’t… even when you know better?

In this episode, we’re breaking down the truth about self-sabotage and why it’s not actually about discipline, willpower, or “being better.” I’m walking you through what’s really happening in those everyday moments… like when you say you’re going to go to the gym, start your routine, or get off your phone… and then don’t. Because what if self-sabotage isn’t you messing up… but you choosing between two very real needs?

You might want to listen if:

• You keep saying you’ll start something… and then don’t follow through
• You feel frustrated because you know what to do, but still don’t do it
• You find yourself choosing the “wrong” thing and then judging yourself after
• You struggle with consistency in your habits, routines, or even your relationships
• You’re ready to stop the shame spiral and start understanding what’s actually going on underneath it

FIND OUT MORE!

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DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information. 

Transcript

Welcome To Speak Honest

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in. Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of the best-selling book, Dance of Attachment. And today I wanted to talk to you about something that I notice keeps coming up a lot inside of the Speak Honest Academy. And that is about self-sabotage and how it shows up in our everyday lives. See, the thing is, self-sabotage isn't always these big, massive things that ruin our lives, right? It's not about blowing up a relationship or texting someone 13 times and you know you shouldn't. Sometimes it just looks subtle. Maybe it's like you're laying in bed at night thinking, I should be reading right now, I should be stretching, I should be meditating, I should be journaling or doing my somatic affirmations. You know, insert, I should be doing this here. But instead, what are you actually doing? You're on your phone, you're scrolling TikTok, even though you said, oh, only 15 more minutes, you keep going. Maybe you're researching a show on Reddit because you just watched it and you want to know what you think everyone else is thinking is gonna happen in the next episode. And all of that is happening to you, but you're thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. Emphasis on the should there. When that happens, what comes next is actually the part that matters. And that's what I want to talk to you about today. But before we dive in, if you're listening to today's episode and you start thinking, wow, Jen, I really need help with this, then girl, we've got you. Inside of the Speak Honest Academy, this is the work you've been craving. We're not just talking about what to do, we're actually helping you regulate your nervous system and change how you show up in real time. We do live group coaching calls twice a week where we practice this together in real time. And we take these exact moments that we're talking about today, the I should be doing this, but I'm doing that instead moments, and we work through them together so you can start to build real self-trust. Because self-sabotage doesn't come from a lack of discipline, it comes from a lack of awareness in the moment of choice. So if this is hitting, you can head to speakhonestacademy.com or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. Now, as you're listening today, I want you to keep this in mind. Notice where you say I should in your day-to-day life, especially in those small moments. Then I want you to pay attention to what you're choosing to do instead. But don't judge it, just pay attention. Next, get curious about what you actually want in that moment, not what you think you're supposed to want, what you actually want. And then see if you can catch one moment today where you pause and make an intentional choice instead of an automatic one. Now this will all make more sense in just a little bit during the episode. But now let's dive in. So let's start here. You're laying in bed, it's the end of a long day, and that voice comes in. I should be doing something better for myself right now. And within seconds, you're already judging and shaming yourself for what you're doing. Maybe you're on your phone or you're scrolling through TikTok or you're trying to get caught up on your emails, but to you that's not the right thing. So you try to switch over, you try to do the right thing, you start journaling or you start meditating, but instead you feel forced or disconnected, or you already feel behind. So what's the point? That moment right there, that's what we're breaking down today. The I should voice is powerful, but it's also confusing. Because it sounds productive, it sounds like growth, it sounds like the version of you that has it all together, but what it actually creates is pressure without permission. When you tell yourself, I should be reading, I should be meditating, I should be doing something better for myself right here. What you're doing is you're placing an expectation on yourself without actually checking in with what you need. There's no curiosity in that voice. There's no collaboration. It just is pressure. And your nervous system does not respond well to pressure, trust me. When your brain perceives that pressure, especially at the end of a long day when you're already tired, your amygdala can interpret that as a form of stress. Not danger in the way that we think of it, not even that massive fight or flight response we get when we think that a lion is chasing us, but more so the kind of stress that is enough to push you towards relief. And relief often looks like the thing that requires the least effort and gives you the quickest reward. So now you're not just choosing between reading and playing on your phone. You're choosing between pressure and relief. So of course your body is going to lean towards relief. Of course, you're going to choose your phone. And then when you choose relief, now the second layer comes in, which is judgment. Now it's, oh, I shouldn't have done this, I wasted my time, I have no discipline. And now you're in this loop where the very voice that was supposed to motivate you is actually creating the cycle that keeps you stuck. This is why I should doesn't actually lead to change. It leads to disconnection. Because you're not working on yourself, you're talking at yourself. And if we bring this into relationships, it's the same pattern. I should be okay with this. I shouldn't need this much. I should just go with the flow. And then your needs, they don't just go away because you thought this, they come out later, usually in a way that feels reactive or overwhelming. So the first shift is simple, but it's powerful. We move out of the I should and into awareness, not what should I be doing right now? Instead, try asking yourself, hmm, what is actually happening inside of me right now? If you can make that one small shift, things will start to change. And that brings us into the next piece I want to talk about today. Once we drop the concept of I should, we can actually see what's really going on. Because this is not self-sabotage in the way that you think it is. This is a conflict between two very valid needs. You have a part of you that wants the long-term outcome, the version of you that says, I want to feel good tomorrow, I want to feel regulated, I want to grow, I want to build healthy habits that support me. And then you have another part of you that wants something immediate. I want to feel good right now. I want stimulation. I want curiosity. I want to follow the excitement of this new show I just watched and see what people are saying about it on Reddit. And both of those are real. Both of them are allowed, and both of them make sense. So instead of asking, why am I doing this? Which tends to put you on the defense, and it's quite a judgmental question. We ask a different question, and it sounds like this What about this do I want? And what about the other option do I want? Now you're not judging yourself. You're getting curious, and you're trying to understand yourself. I had a client who was in this exact loop, but in her dating life, and she would say, I know I want a secure, emotional, available partner, I know I want consistency, and then she would find herself drawn back to someone who was unpredictable, intense, and inconsistent. And every time she went back, she would say, I don't know why I keep doing this. You know, why am I doing this to myself? You hear the judgment. But when we slowed it down, it wasn't really confusing at all. See, the secure partner represented long-term safety and stability. But that felt boring to her and didn't feel like what she wanted right now, right now in this moment. The other person represented immediate intensity, chemistry, and emotional activation. Her nervous system was so used to that activation, and it felt a lot like that immediate relief, that dopamine hit that you get when you hit all sevens on the slot machine. She felt alive in that moment. So if you look closely, you see she wasn't self-sabotaging at all. She was just choosing between immediate intensity and long-term safety. It's just a choice. And she was choosing immediate intensity. That is absolutely okay. Of course we want to feel alive. But we just have to figure out what it is that we ultimately want. Can you see how that's a very different conversation to be having? Because when you see it that way, you stop trying to completely eliminate one side of it's some terrible choice, and you start learning how to choose between them in a way that feels aligned with who you actually want to be. You are in control here. You get to make the choice. And this leads us to the most important part of this episode, which is intentional choice over autopilot. Once you understand that you're navigating two very valid needs, the goal is not to force yourself into the quote unquote better choice every time. The goal is to make an intentional choice. Because what creates the spiral isn't the behavior, it's the lack of awareness followed by shame. Autopilot looks like this. You pick up your phone without thinking, you scroll for 30 minutes, and then you feel frustrated, disconnected, and behind in life. Not because you were on your phone, but because you didn't choose it. It just happened to you. Intentional choice sounds a little bit different, and it sounds more like, honestly, I want to be on my phone right now. I want to scroll TikTok. I want to be on Reddit. I want to scroll on Instagram for inspiration pictures from my living room. And then you do it fully without layering shame on top of it. Or it might sound like, I actually want to feel good tomorrow. I want to wake up feeling clear and I'm going to read my book for ten minutes. And you do that. Both are allowed. The difference is that one builds self-trust and the other reinforces self-judgment. And when you make intentional choices, your nervous system experiences you as someone who is safe to be with. There's alignment between what you say and what you do, and over time, that creates change. This is how we start to shift attachment patterns. Because secure attachment is not about always choosing the perfect thing. It's about consistency, awareness, and the ability to stay connected to yourself in the moment of choice. So if we bring this all together, the first thing we did was recognize that the I should voice is not helping you. It's pressure without permission, and it disconnects you from yourself. Then we looked at what's actually happening underneath, which is not, in fact, self-sabotage, but just a conflict between two very valid needs, immediate and long term. And you get to choose between them. And finally, we shifted into what actually creates change, which is making intentional choices instead of moving through autopilot and shaming yourself afterward. This is how you start working with yourself instead of against yourself. This is how you build self-trust in the small moments that eventually shape your relationships. So instead of trying to control your behavior, which, trust me, girl, is never going to happen, if we could control our behavior, you wouldn't be listening to this. Instead, I want us to build the skill of pausing, of checking in, and then choosing on purpose. That is where your power is. Thank you so much for being here with me today. I hope this gave you a different way to look at those everyday moments that might feel small, but actually carry so much weight and how you experience yourself and your relationships. And if this is the work you're ready to dive deeper into, then I want to personally invite you into the Speak Honest Academy. Because inside the academy, we don't just talk about these concepts. We actually take these exact moments, the ones where you say you're gonna go to the gym and then you don't, or you skip your therapy appointment, or you tell yourself you're going to start making your bed or start your routine in the morning, and then it just doesn't happen, right? That's okay. But we break them down together. You get access to live group coaching calls where you can bring in those real life moments and we slow them down in real time. We look at what you're feeling, what your nervous system needed in that moment, and why the immediate choice won over the long-term one. Without judgment. That part is so important. And then we build the skill of that pause. So next time, you're not just running on autopilot and shaming yourself afterwards. You're actually able to step into that moment and make an intentional choice that aligns with the version of you you're becoming. You can head to speakhonistacademy.com or click on the link in the show notes to join. And when you join, be sure to let me know you found us through the podcast so I can give you a special gift. I can't wait to see you inside the academy. All right, ladies, that's it for today. I will speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.