103. Should I Tell My Avoidant Partner About Attachment Theory?

Should you tell your avoidant partner about attachment theory, or is that actually making things harder?
In this episode of Speak Honest, I unpack the very real urge to explain, teach, and hope that if your partner just understood attachment theory, everything would finally feel safer. We talk about why that urge so often comes from an activated nervous system, how timing and safety matter more than insight, and what actually creates change in anxious–avoidant dynamics. This episode isn’t about fixing your partner. It’s about understanding what’s happening inside you and learning how to get your power back in the process.

You might want to listen if:

• You feel the constant urge to explain yourself or overteach when your partner pulls away
• You’ve learned about attachment theory and want your partner to “get it” too
• You notice yourself feeling more anxious, not less, after trying to help him understand
• You’re stuck in a push–pull dynamic and don’t know how to change it without chasing
• You want to feel calmer, clearer, and more grounded no matter how your partner shows up

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Chapters

• 0:00 Framing The Core Question
• 1:14 Academy Invitation And Support
• 2:09 Naming The Urge To Explain
• 4:51 Why Timing With Avoidance Matters
• 7:18 Insight Needs Safety To Land
• 9:21 Model Change Instead Of Demanding
• 12:04 From Pressure To Invitation
• 13:30 Your Power: How You Show Up
• 14:24 Closing And Ways To Get Support

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of Dance of Attachment. And today we are diving into a question I hear constantly from women who are doing the work and still feel stuck in the same dynamic. Should you tell your avoidant partner about attachment theory? Now, maybe you've learned about attachment styles recently and suddenly everything is just starting to make sense. I remember that feeling in myself as well. Their pulling away finally has a name, and your anxiety finally has context. The push-pull dynamic that keeps repeating now feels explainable instead of random. And once you have that language, it's really tempting to want to hand it over and say, here, this explains us. Now let's fix it. And that urge, it usually shows up when the relationship feels tense, confusing, or emotionally unsafe. Your nervous system wants relief. And attachment theory feels like the thing that could finally fix what's been hurting. The problem is, insight doesn't automatically create safety, especially when there's already conflict in the relationship. Now, before we go any further, I want to invite you into the Speak Honest Academy. The Academy is where we stop trying to change our partners and start learning how to feel steady, confident, and secure in ourselves. It's where women like you learn how to regulate your nervous system, communicate without overexplaining, and set boundaries without feeling that guilt or shame that comes with it. And we're going to make clear relationship decisions from a grounded place instead of from that anxious place that often comes up. You get ongoing support, real-time coaching, and a community of women who are doing this work right alongside you. If you're tired of doing all of the emotional heavy lifting alone, this is where you get support. You can learn more over at speakehonistacademy.com or you just scroll on down to the show notes and click on the link down there. I can't wait to see you inside the academy. And now, as you're listening to today's episode, I want you to notice a few things. Notice when you feel the urge to explain yourself more clearly. When you feel that urge to teach your partner something new or send them an article in the hopes that it makes something finally click for them too, and then you feel safe. Notice what's happening in your body in those moments. And notice whether part of you is hoping that their change would finally allow you to finally relax. If any of this feels familiar, stay with me because in this episode, we are going to talk about what's really underneath the urge to explain attachment theory, why doing it at the wrong time can actually create more distance, and how turning that focus inward can soften the relationship and give you your power back. Now let's dive in.

unknown: 3:00

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SPEAKER_00: 3:02

Alright, so let's come back to the question that brought us all here. Should we be telling our partners about attachment theory? And specifically our avoidant partners, because oftentimes the person who's asking this question is an anxiously attached woman. Alright, so here's the breakdown of this. Most of the time the urge to explain attachment theory isn't coming from clarity. It's coming from anxiety. It shows up when the relationship feels uncertain, when closeness feels shaky, or when you're hoping that if they just understood what's happening, things would finally get better. When you feel that urge, it's usually not a communication problem. It's a nervous system moment. When something feels off in the relationship, your system goes looking for relief. Explaining feels like the solution because it promises understanding, reassurance, and change. It feels proactive in a way. It feels hopeful. And for anxiously attached people, it can feel almost impossible not to say something. An anxious attachment tends to reach outward when it's uncomfortable. It overexplains, it over-teaches, it over-communicates, it looks for the right words that will finally make everything make sense. The thought underneath all of this is often, if they could just understand this, they would show up differently and then we could finally relax. And I want to say this clearly: that makes sense. Especially if you have spent a long time being confused or questioning yourself or trying to figure out why the relationship feels so hard. Learning about attachment theory can feel like that oh shit moment, that light bulb moment that just comes up out of nowhere and suddenly you have the language for what's been happening. So of course you want to share it. But here's where things get tricky. When your sense of safety depends on someone else having insight or changing their behavior, your regulation is no longer yours. It's outsourced. You're waiting for them to get it so you can feel okay. And that's not because you're doing anything wrong at all. It's because your nervous system learned that closeness requires effort, explanation, and emotional labor. This is why so many anxiously attached people become the researcher in the relationship. You read the books, you listen to the podcast, you connect the dots, and then you feel responsible for bringing that information back so the relationship can finally work. But attachment theory isn't meant to be used that way. It's not a tool to diagnose your partner or convince them to change. It's meant to help you notice when you're activated, understand why your body is reacting the way it is, and bringing yourself back into regulation before you react. Do you see what the common thread there in all of those were? You. See, when you start using attachment theory inwardly, something important happens. You stop chasing relief through explanation. You start creating safety inside your own body. And from that place, the urge to teach or to fix them or to persuade them, it naturally starts to soften. That's not giving up the relationship. That's learning how to stay grounded in yourself, no matter what the other person does. So now let's come back to the moment this question usually shows up. See, most women are not asking me, hey Jen, should I tell my avoidant partner about attachment theory? When things in their relationship are going well. They ask this when the relationship is feeling tense, when there's been distance or conflict or another moment of shutdown that left them feeling confused and unsettled. And this is where timing really matters. See, when a relationship is in a heightened state of conflict, introducing a new concept, even if it is a helpful one, usually does not land the way that you want it to. That's because conflict puts both nervous systems into protection mode. Curiosity completely goes offline, openness shrinks, and the brain is no longer listening for insight, it's scanning for threat. So even if you are speaking calmly to him, even if your words are thoughtful, attachment theory can land as criticism. Think about it. You know, it can kind of sound like, hey, you're the problem. You need to change. See, I looked up this thing and it said avoidantly attached people always put a always pull away. So here's what's wrong with you. And that is especially true for the avoidant nervous system, which are already very sensitive and really worried about feeling analyzed or managed or pressured. And this is why explaining attachment theory during conflict usually is going to backfire. You are offering insight, but their system, it's hearing danger. Think about it this way: you wouldn't introduce a big emotional conversation while someone is already overwhelmed and shut down and then expect it to go well. Attachment theory is no different. It asks for reflection, vulnerability, and self-awareness. And none of that is accessible when the system is activated. This is also why so many people walk away from these conversations feeling worse. You finally said the thing, you shared the framework, and instead of closeness, what do you get? More distance. That doesn't mean attachment theory is wrong, of course. It means that the timing wasn't right. The work, especially for anxiously attached people, is learning to recognize when the relationship is in a state of ease versus a state of conflict, and healing doesn't happen in the peak of activation. It happens after regulation. So when you focus on calming your own nervous system first, something starts to shift. The pressure drops, the emotional intensity softens, and that creates conditions where real conversations can actually start happening. If they're ever going to happen, this is when we want it to. Insight needs safety to land. Without it, even the best explanation can feel like an attack. Now, here's the part that can feel really frustrating, but also can be incredibly freeing. Telling someone what you think is best for them almost never goes well. Even when you might be right, like, okay, we have to keep it real here. Even when you care so deeply for them and you know this thing would help them, even when you have the research to back it up, it still isn't going to land right. Think about it in everyday terms. If you were on a diet and you suddenly started telling your partner they needed to go gluten-free and cut carbs out to lose weight, it's probably not gonna go well. I mean, people have the research to back this up as well, to say, whenever you want to get healthy, you cannot tell your husband or your boyfriend or your partner or even your kids, hey, you should get healthy. We have to do it in ourselves first. And if you really want them to change, telling them they're going to die if they don't do this is almost guaranteed to backfire against you. What actually works is much quieter, much softer, and it takes a little bit longer, which is why I think a lot of us don't do it. But here's how it looks: if you're trying to eat healthier and you want your family to eat healthier, you start cooking differently. You start buying different groceries. You take care of your own body. You model the change instead of demanding it. And see, attachment healing works the same way. If you're at the point where you're wanting to explain attachment theory to your partner, there's usually already a lot of conflict in the relationship. Tension, distance, repeated cycles that haven't been resolved. And when a relationship is already activated, introducing a framework, no matter how helpful, often adds more pressure instead of relief. This is where anxious attachment gets very sneaky. It convinces you that fixing the relationship means fixing them. That if they would just change, then you could finally be better. But that belief keeps your focus outward. Do you see that? Waiting for someone else to become the reason you feel safe. But healing, it asks for something different. Instead of teaching them about attachment theory, you work on your own anxious attachment. You learn how to regulate your body. You stop overexplaining, you stop over-functioning, you stop overdoing, you pause before reacting. You get clearer about your attachment needs and your attachment wounds and your limits. And as you do that, the energy in the relationship will shift. And when the relationship moves out of constant conflict and more into a sense of ease, then something interesting can happen. Curiosity now finally becomes possible. Conversations, they start to feel lighter. And from that place, you might say something like, hey, you know, I've been doing a lot of work around my attachment style and it's helped me show up differently. If you're ever curious, I'd love for you to explore it too. That's not pressure. That's an invitation. And they might say yes or they might say no. But either way, you're no longer trying to pull change out of someone else. You're choosing it for yourself. So to make a long answer short, should you tell him about attachment theory? Nope. Don't do it. Most of the time, it's only going to make things worse, not better, especially if the relationship already feels tense or confusing. Explaining attachment theory when your nervous system is activated will usually add to the pressure of your relationship. It won't bring you closer together. Here's what I want you to do: work on yourself first, regulate your body, heal your anxious attachment, and change how you show up in the relationship. That alone can ease a lot of the intensity and give you so much more clarity about what's actually happening between the two of you. And then when things soften, if the relationship feels more stable, if and only if there's curiosity instead of conflict, you can see what he says. You can make it an invitation instead of a diagnosis, and you can do it without needing a specific outcome to feel okay. Remember, attachment theory isn't something you use to get someone else to change. It's something you use to decide how you want to show up and what kind of relationship you're willing to stay in. And that is where the power is. Now, if this episode hits something tender for you, I do want you to hear this. You're not doing anything wrong by wanting clarity or closeness or relief. But you don't have to keep carrying the emotional weight of the relationship by yourself. The work isn't figuring out the perfect way to explain attachment theory. The work is learning how to feel steady and grounded and clear no matter what your partner is doing. And that's exactly what we focus on inside of the Speak Honest Academy. This is where you learn how to work with your anxious attachment instead of letting it run the show. We focus on nervous system regulation, secure communication, and boundaries that don't come with guilt. And we make relationship decisions from a place of self-trust instead of fear. You don't have to overthink or overexplain or keep wondering if you're asking for too much. You get support, real coaching, and a community of women who actually get what it's like to go through what it is you're going through. And if you're ready to stop trying to fix the relationship by fixing yourself for someone else and instead start showing up for yourself in a way that changes everything, I'd love to have you inside the Academy. You can learn more at speakonestacademy.com or you can scroll on down to the show notes and click on the link there. And if this episode was helpful, take a second to follow the podcast, leave a review, or share it with someone who's been asking the same question at two in the morning. These conversations, they matter. And the more we talk about them openly and honestly, the less alone we all feel. All right, everyone, I'll see you next time. Take care.