102. Is This My Intuition or My Attachment Style Acting Up?

Is this your intuition… or is your anxious attachment getting activated?

In this episode of Speak Honest, I answer a listener question that so many self-aware women struggle with. You’ve done the work. You usually feel secure. And yet, in a new connection, something feels unsettled. Not dramatic. Not chaotic. Just off. Together, we break down the difference between intuition and anxious attachment, what secure attachment actually feels like in real life, and how to stay curious instead of turning on yourself when those feelings show up.

You might want to listen if:

•  You thought you were secure but dating someone brought up anxious attachment
•  You struggle to tell the difference between intuition and attachment activation
•  You feel pressure to decide quickly whether to stay or leave a relationship
•  You tend to judge or shame yourself when anxious attachment shows up
•  You want to make more grounded, secure decisions in dating and relationships

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• Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Chapters

• 0:05 Welcome And Show Focus
• 0:38 Listener Question Sets The Stage
• 2:07 Invite To Speak Honest Academy
• 3:19 The Question: Intuition Or Attachment
• 4:35 Anxiety Vs Intuition Explained
• 7:01 What Secure Attachment Feels Like
• 9:08 Curiosity Over Judgment
• 11:15 Practical Self-Check Questions
• 12:44 Slowing Down And Gathering Data
• 13:55 When Anxiety Says Run
• 15:12 Community Invite And Academy Details

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of Dance of Attachment. And on today's episode, I am gonna be answering a listener question. Now, I want to start by saying I love these kinds of questions. Not because they're easy to answer, but because they usually come from women who are actually paying attention to themselves. Women who aren't trying to do relationships perfectly. They just kind of want to do them in a more honest way. And this question came in after a few dates, not a blow-up, not a huge red flag, just kind of that quiet, nagging feeling of wait a second, I think something feels off. And those are the moments that tend to mess with us the most because there's nothing obvious to point out when it's like this, but your body is definitely reacting. So today we're going to slow this way down. And I'm gonna read the question, talk through what's really happening in moments like this, and help you make sense of whether what you're feeling is intuition, or is it attachment getting activated? Because if you've ever thought, uh, I thought I was secure, so why does this feel so wrong now? You are not alone. And if you're listening to this and you're thinking, I have a question just like this, Jen, or that's literally what I'm dealing with right now, then I want you to know that you don't have to figure this out on your own. If you're stuck overthinking your relationship, questioning whether you're asking for too much, or you're feeling anxious after the dates that you're going on, that's exactly what we work through inside the Speak Honest Academy. The Academy is a space for women who are smart, self-aware, and tired of doing the same dumb shit in their relationships the hard way. It's where we talk about real life situations, break down our attachment patterns as they're literally happening, and learn how to communicate your needs, your emotions, your wants, your boundaries without spiraling or self-abandoning. I answer questions like this every week inside of the academy. We unpack what's actually going on beneath the surface and we focus on building clarity, confidence, and emotional safety in all of your relationships. Now, if that sounds like something that you really want, something you've been craving, something that's been nudging you inside, then we would love to have you inside of the Speak Honest Academy. You can join us at speakeonestacademy.com, or you can scroll on down to the show notes for the link and find us there. Now, let's get into the episode. All right. So I had someone reach out to me in the Facebook group and ask me this question. And I loved it so much that I wanted to take a full episode to really break it down because this is one of those questions that comes up all the time, especially for women who have been doing a lot of work on themselves. And this is what she asks. I have done a lot of work on myself, Jen, and I usually feel pretty secure. But I started dating someone and I feel myself getting anxious again. How do I know if that's my intuition or if my attachment style is getting activated? And honestly, this is such a good question. Because the moment you start asking this, you start asking, is it me or is it something else? It usually means you're not spiraling. You're actually paying attention. You're noticing your internal experience instead of just reacting to it and then going bonkers because of it. So there's three things that I want to touch on with this question. The first is the difference between intuition and anxiety. The second is what secure attachment actually looks like and what it feels like. And then the third is how important it is to get curious and observe what's going on inside of you instead of judging and shaming yourself for it. So let's start with the first topic: the difference between intuition and anxiety. Intuition and anxiety get confused all the time, especially by people who are self-aware or becoming more secure. Now, here's the big difference. Anxiety is loud, it's urgent. It needs an answer right now. It feels like I need to figure this out immediately or I'm actually going to die. I will not be okay. There's a real pressure behind that feeling. Now, hold on to that feeling while I talk about intuition. Intuition does not feel like this. Intuition is quieter. It doesn't rush you. It doesn't demand action right away. It's more of a steady inner knowing that something isn't quite aligned, even if you can't fully explain why yet. But you can sit in your intuition for quite a while and be okay with it. Anxiety pulls you into your head. Intuition keeps you in your body. All right. So anxiety is saying fix this right now. And intuition is saying, just notice this right now. And one of the biggest clues is how fast you feel like you need to do something about it. So if you feel panicked, compelled, or desperate for relief, that's usually a sign that anxiety is picking back up in your body and you're trying to regulate yourself. If you feel unsettled but still grounded enough to slow down, that is often your intuition asking you to pay attention. So in this situation, what I hear isn't necessarily someone spiraling. I hear someone noticing discomfort and choosing not to override it. And that's an important distinction. Anxiety usually pushes you towards action that soothes the feeling, whereas intuition will invite you to pause, observe, and gather more information. So right now, if you are the ask of this question and you're listening in and you're wondering, well, which one is it? I want you to look in and check in with yourself. I honestly can't tell you right now, but you could try this. Try telling the difference. Ask yourself, do I feel rushed to fix this right now? Do I have to know if he's the right guy for me or not? Or do I feel grounded enough to watch it for a bit, date him for a little bit longer, and then decide if anything's going to happen? That question alone can give you a lot of clarity. Now let's talk about what secure attachment actually feels like because this is where a lot of people get tripped up. Secure attachment does not mean you never feel anxious ever again. It doesn't mean you're always calm and nothing affects you, and it definitely doesn't mean never getting activated. Secure attachment is not a permanent emotional state. Secure attachment is the ability to stay connected to yourself when something feels off. It's being able to notice I am feeling unsettled here, without immediately turning that into a story about yourself being broken or regressing or there's something wrong with you. It's having the capacity to slow down instead of spiraling, to ask questions, right? To get curious instead of rushing to conclusions. We want to be able to hold discomfort without needing instant certainty. That's secure attachment. And a lot of people think, well, if I were truly secure, then I wouldn't feel this way. But that's not how it works. Securely attached people feel anxiety, guys. This is how it works, especially in certain dynamics. We want to listen to that feeling. That's telling us what's important to us. The difference is what they do next. With secure attachment, there's space. Space between the feeling and the reaction. Space to observe patterns around you instead of explaining them away. Space to say, let me watch this a little bit longer, instead of forcing myself to stay calm or forcing myself to leave the situation to feel relief in the moment. Secure attachment is grounded, not numb. It feels steady, not perfect. And it allows for curiosity instead of self-attack. So if you're feeling anxious, but you're able to slow down and reflect and stay honest with yourself, that's not a lack of secure attachment. That's actually a beautiful sign of it. Now, the last thing I want to touch on with this question is how important it is to get curious and observe instead of judging and shaming yourself when something like this comes up. So the woman who asked the question did a beautiful job of just observing herself. That's how she could come to me with this question because she could see that she had some level of anxiety. And she's asking, is it me or is it intuition? And so many women hear themselves say, I am anxious, and then immediately jump to, well, then what's wrong with me? They start questioning their growth and their healing and their attachment style and whether they've somehow gone backwards. And that reaction creates so much unnecessary suffering and it actually blocks the clarity you're looking for. Curiosity sounds very different from judgment. Curiosity says, hmm, that's interesting. Something in this dynamic is affecting me. It allows you to observe what's happening without rushing to label it as a failure or a flaw. And when you approach your experience with curiosity, you give yourself the space to gather information instead of collapsing into shame. And shame shuts the entire conversation down. It makes you smaller. It tells you to override your instincts and push through discomfort so you don't have to feel like you messed up. Curiosity, on the other hand, keeps you connected to yourself. It allows you to notice patterns over time instead of reacting to a single moment. Observation is what builds discernment. When you slow down and watch how someone shows up consistently rather than judging yourself for how you feel, you can make decisions that are grounded instead of reactive. You don't need to rush yourself into clarity. You don't need to explain your feelings away, even. You are allowed to notice them, to pause, and to let the information slowly come into focus. So if you're in a situation where you feel unsettled, the most secure thing you can do is stay with yourself. Stay with your feelings. Notice what you feel, notice what repeats inside of you, and speak to yourself with compassion instead of criticism. That shift alone can completely change how you move through your relationships. So when you're trying to decide whether something is intuition or your attachment style getting activated, the first place to check is how you feel in your body. Does it feel urgent? Like you have to figure this out right now, like you need to know immediately whether he's the one, whether you should stay or go, or whether you're wasting your time. That kind of urgency is usually your attachment style. It's your nervous system looking for relief. Or can you stay in it a little bit longer? Can you date him for a few more weeks and see what actually unfolds? Can you gather more information instead of forcing a decision? That's an important distinction. Sometimes the anxiety isn't telling you to leave. Sometimes it's telling you to look closer. Maybe you need to communicate your needs to him more clearly. Maybe you're overfunctioning in the relationship and giving too much of yourself too early. Maybe you're trying to manage the connection instead of just letting it develop naturally. And instead of leaning back, your body starts to feel overwhelmed, and that's what's making it want to run. So here's the simple way I want you to think about it. If you can stay, slow down, and understand why you want to break up with him, that's intuition. Intuition doesn't rush you, it lets you observe. If you feel like you have to end it tomorrow just to feel better in your body, then yeah, I'm gonna tell you right now, that's your attachment system trying to regulate itself. And knowing the difference changes everything. All right, everyone. That was such a beautiful question. And I'm so glad I got to give it more space here on the podcast. And if you have a question you'd love for me to answer on the show, feel free to jump into our free Facebook community. Speak Honest, Secure Attachment and Confident Communication for Women. Inside the group, you can ask me anything. And those questions are often what I turn into full podcast episodes like this one. And if you know you want more support, if you've been hearing about the Speak Honest Academy and you know that now is the time for you to get the support you need, I would love to have you join us inside. The Academy is where we go deeper into these conversations, work through real life situations together, and practice making more secure, grounded decisions in our relationships. More decisions based on intuition and less on anxiety. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday evening, so now is the perfect time to join us and get plugged in. If you want more information, head over to speakonestacademy.com or click on the link in the show notes, it'll take you right there. All right, everyone, that's our show for today. I hope you understand a bit more about the difference between intuition and anxiety, and that you can use that information this week to make more informed, secure decisions. I'll speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.