Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma

98. How Secure Attachment Is Built in Early Childhood | My Conversation with Devon Kuntzman

• Jennifer Noble, PCC | Relationship Coach, TEDx Speaker, & Best Selling Author • Episode 98

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What happens after you lose control as a parent… and why that moment matters more than you think?
In this episode, I sit down with parenting expert and ICF-Certified coach Devon Kuntzman for an honest conversation about rupture, repair, and how secure attachment is actually built. We explore why losing control doesn’t damage attachment, how repair calms the nervous system, and what children truly need after emotional moments.

We also take this conversation deeper, looking at how the same repair process applies when you’re reparenting your own inner child. If you didn’t grow up with emotional repair, this episode offers a compassionate roadmap for learning how to come back to yourself after mistakes, overwhelm, or self-criticism.

This episode is a reminder that secure attachment isn’t about perfection. It’s about consistency, safety, and the willingness to return to connection, with your child and with yourself.

You might want to listen if:

  •  You feel intense guilt after losing your patience as a parent
  •  You’re healing your own attachment wounds while raising children
  •  You want to understand how repair builds secure attachment
  •  You struggle with self-criticism after emotional moments
  •  You’re learning how to reparent your inner child with compassion

FIND OUT MORE!


DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from ...

SPEAKER_01:

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach. And on today's episode, we are gonna do something a little bit different today. We are gonna be talking about attachment and communication, but we're gonna do it from inside the world where it actually all begins. Toddlerhood, our childhood that we often don't want to have to think about, but we're gonna talk about it today. And I know so many of you are parenting while healing, and you're learning how to regulate and how to stop repeating the patterns you grew up with, and you're trying to raise emotionally healthy, tiny humans at the same time of trying to raise yourself. And I get it, it's a lot. So I think you are going to love today's conversation. And as you're listening, I want you to start thinking, wow, this is exactly the type of support I need. You can always learn more about this type of support in our Speak Honest membership. It's a place where women come to finally feel safe, seen, and secure in their relationships while breaking the pattern in the process. Now, today's guest is someone that I have heard about for a long time now. I'm so excited to have her on here. She is an actual powerhouse in modern parenting. Devin Koontzman is the original toddler parenting coach on Instagram. And she is trusted by over a million parents in child development everywhere around the world. She is an ICF certified coach. You guys know how important that is to me. And she has a background in psychology, child development, infant mental health, gentle sleep coaching, all the things. Devin is amazing. I can't wait for us to start this conversation. She brings compassion and clarity to one of the hardest stages of parenting, as I know well. And her whole mission is to dismantle the idea that toddlerhood is terrible. So, with all of that said, Devin, please say hi, introduce yourself to my listeners, and just tell us a little bit more about yourself.

SPEAKER_00:

Hi, everyone, and thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here today. I'm Devin Kunzman and I am the founder of Transforming Toddlerhood and an author of the book by the same name and the original toddler parenting coach on Instagram. And I am really here to help parents feel empowered to truly understand what their child's behavior is communicating and to help them have parenting tools that are positive, effective, respectful, that work with their child's development, not against it, to make parenting easier so they can feel more confident and experience more joy in everyday life. Because toddlerhood gets a really bad reputation, but it's also a critical developmental period that actually is a lot of fun and has a lot of joyful moments if we're willing to notice those moments and interact with those moments instead of only looking for the parts that are terrible and challenging, because there are many parts that are very challenging and can feel terrible, but that doesn't mean your child or you as a parent are inherently terrible.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. You are not inherently terrible. And yeah, we hear it all the time, the terrible twos. I mean, I have a 14-year-old son now. So, you know, we've been through it, but oh my gosh, those were really tough times. But when you go into it thinking the terrible twos, you already have this idea in your head of this is going to be a shit show, basically. So I want to know first what got you into this? Like, what made you think, yes, toddlers, I'm gonna help with that?

SPEAKER_00:

So I have always loved young children and I worked with them in many different capacities growing up as a babysitter and as a preschool teacher working at daycares. And then after I graduated from college, I went off to become a nanny for a while while I figured out, you know, what direction I was going to take my career in. And so I ended up being a nanny for high-profile families all over the world and had the pleasure of working with so many different kids with so many different personalities, temperaments, needs, lots of different family dynamics. And through that time, I started to realize two things. First of all, there is a lot of miscommunication between parents and their toddlers. Parents would see their toddlers melting down after coming home from work after a long day. And I work for a lot of parents that were like CEOs of companies and they were, you know, high-pressure job, just want to come home and relax. Now their toddler is having a meltdown. They're thinking, why'd I even come home? You know, things like this, when their toddlers actually just having this emotional release at the end of the day to like get reattached and reconnected with their parents. And then for myself and the role that I was in every day. If the child had quote unquote good behavior, then I was good at my job. And if they had quote unquote bad behavior, then I was bad at my job until one day this little kid, I'll never forget, just woke up. Everything was wrong, everything was a problem, tantrum after tantrum, and it ended with us both on the floor in tears, feeling frustrated. And that's the moment I realized we are all just human beings doing the best that we can, and all behavior is communication. And the moment that we flip from behavior is bad, mean, rude, manipulative to behavior is communication, then it unlocks a whole world that we never knew existed where we can respond to the root of what's at the base or at the root of the behavior and truly transform it and feel a lot more peace and calm in our parenting.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. Behavior is communication. Let's unpack that a little bit more. Talk me through some more of that. What types of behaviors are we looking at, specifically from toddlers? You know, they're gonna say no, you know, or they're gonna throw something or my son used to hit me, right? And you think that, like, oh my God, he's he's hitting me. He's gonna grow up to be abusive. Oh my, I'm a terrible mother. Like, look at all these things I'm doing. But talk me through how that's just communication.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely. I know it can be so concerning when parents see these behaviors in young children, but it really goes for everyone. Like, behavior is communication all the way across the board, no matter how old you are. There's something at the root. But in these early years, what we know is that a child's behavior is telling us their level of brain maturation, which toddlers have a very immature brain. It tells us their level of life experience, which is very low. It tells us also their feelings and emotions. There's a lot of them because they spend a lot of time in the more primitive part of their brain. That's where all the feelings and emotions reside. And it also tells us about their needs, whether that's their sensory needs or their basic needs, like being tired or hungry or the need to feel connected or just not feeling safe, something like this. And then their developmental needs, which is like the need to experiment, explore, to exert their autonomy, to feel capable, to have a sense of control, to feel powerful, to have a role in the family. These are all different things that drive a toddler's behavior. Now, even in the heat of the moment, if you don't know exactly what your toddler's behavior is communicating, but you know it's communicating something, and you're willing to get curious, you're already way further ahead, just knowing that your toddler is not trying to give you a hard time on purpose, and that they're not a bad kid, that they're just a kid that's having a hard time in this moment and needs our love and support, clear limits, and us to teach them a lot of skills.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. Yeah, they're not a bad kid. And and on the flip side, with the work that I do with women is that doesn't mean we're also bad mothers. And so oftentimes, especially in attachment, we can take on these wounds, these beliefs that we had as a child. So imagine if anyone's listening right now, you were a toddler, you know, back in the day, we all were, and you got told, right? You're bad. You you did something, you acted up, you dropped your water or your milk or whatever it was. And you're like, oh, you're bad. You grow up believing I am bad. So now in motherhood, something happens with your kid, and that's a direct extension of you, right? And psychology research, we see this, like the way that our children are, the way that they act, there's this like almost invisible string. We don't actually cut the cord, even through adoption, through fostering, everything. There's this string that comes right to us as a mother that makes us feel like we are responsible for everything this kid does. And so all of a sudden, if that kid is bad, what does that mean about us? Right? We're bad. And so stopping it there, depersonalizing that. And I love how you said getting curious. Talk me through that. I love curiosity. I always say to everyone, get curious, not furious. Oh, and so yeah, you it's one of the best, the easiest ways to remember that. So I love it. And so talk me through what does it look like to get curious? So let's say your toddler is having a meltdown. You talked about an experience you had yourself, or you're having a meltdown right next to another toddler. How did you get curious in that moment?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Well, getting curious is so, so important. It can be really challenging whenever we are telling ourselves these stories that you're talking about, right? That when we are telling ourselves that we're a bad parent or that we're taking on this like responsibility for our child's feelings and emotions and actions when you can't actually control another human being. And I think that's why it's so challenging is because we still relate to our children as an extension of us, like when they were babies, and babies relate to us as an extension of them. But in toddlerhood, toddlers are trying to be their own person, but we're still relating to them as an extension of us, which is where we get stuck in this trap that you're talking about here and what makes it so hard to kind of take a step back, disentangle ourselves and get curious. So often parents are like, okay, they want to pause, they want to like step into that place of getting curious before they respond. However, if we are spiraling, if we are jumping on our child's emotional roller coaster, it's going to be really challenging to pause and get curious, which I can walk us through what it looks like to get curious, but sometimes we need to take a little pre-step here and actually establish safety. We need to clearly establish physical safety so then we can come back and tell ourselves out loud if we need to. Whether there was a real safety issue or just a perceived safety issue, like we just felt personally threatened because our brain can perceive threats that aren't actually there, because that's our brain's just trying to keep us safe, you know, but it kind of works against us as parents. So we need to then establish the physical safety to establish the emotional safety and kind of ground ourselves and regulate ourselves before we can even dive into what do we do in this moment, right? So when you're on the ground and you're feeling frustrated or you're on the verge of tears, it's not the moment to respond to your child. As long as everyone is physically safe, take the time that you need to come back to your own emotional equilibrium or to take some steps toward that before you start responding.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that so much. Something I teach inside of my program is we do this concept of regulating, validating, and collaborating. Now, this is when you're talking with an adult, but I'm hearing a very similar vibe going on here where you need to regulate before you go towards them. And oftentimes as parents, we think like, no, we have to jump in right now. Like we have to fix the situation, we have to get them to stop crying, give them the candy, give them the chocolate bar, you know, give them the sucker they want in the line at the checkout because they're screaming and everyone's staring at me. But this idea, this understanding of just knowing I am safe. It's okay if people stare, or it's even better if you're at home, right? And no one's around. That's much easier to handle. But in those moments, getting to that place, I am safe. I like to put a hand on my heart. That's what I say. Put a hand on your heart and just like check in with yourself and say, okay, what do I need right now? I am safe. And through that regulation, then we can go and be with our children. But if we're trying to get to our children and get them to stop doing their behavior or their communication, as we talked about before, then all we're doing there is managing them, aren't we? We're just micromanaging their emotions, thus creating this insecure attachment style all over again. So talk me through what secure attachment might look like with a kid. So, how could we get more curious? Like, talk me through that a little bit more.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So getting more curious really comes down to how we look at all of these moments and all of these big emotions and challenging behavior. If we're looking at them as problems to be fixed, we're going to jump in, we're going to give in to that false sense of urgency that our stress response is creating. And we're going to go in there because we are kind of spiraling about a fear of the future, usually, right? Like we're afraid X, Y, and Z is going to be true about our kid or happen to our kid, or we're going to be judged, or something like this. And so then we have the spiral and we jump right in. And so, really, it starts with how we frame what is happening in that moment so we can even consider responding in that way of curiosity, which might look something like just observing and describing. You might just say, wow, you're on the floor crying and you started throwing your toys. What happened? What are you trying to tell me? You know, and sometimes we can say it out loud to our kids. Sometimes we just need to say it internally to ourselves to try to kind of be like, hmm, what's actually happening here? Yes, I see this behavior on the surface, but what's it really trying to tell me?

SPEAKER_01:

I see. So you're saying in this moment, you're not actually having like a conversation with your kid. I mean, you can if you want, but again, we're not asking them this question so that they can tell us. We're getting curious so we can start observing them and see, oh, what is it that they're trying to tell? Is that right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's yes, and because the younger your child is, if you have a one and two year old, they're likely not going to be able to tell you. You can still say it out loud because it does kind of prime their relationship for them to be able to respond down the road. So when you have a three, four, or five-year-old, they might be able to tell you something. So it's a yes, and yes, you internally want to get curious and we want to involve our kids in collaborating with us to move through challenges. However, the level of collaboration from a one and two-year-old is going to be much, much different from a three and four-year-old, which will be much, much different from a five and six-year-old.

SPEAKER_01:

But if you start now, if you you have a one-year-old and they're having a temper tantrum or whatever it is that's happening, you're like, oh, okay, sweetheart, you know, why is it that we're doing this? Or what is it that you need from me? We're asking more of a rhetorical question, but we're asking it out loud because then that gets the child familiar with this question as they go move forward. And now my mind is blown in a way because I'm loving this work for just even ourselves. Oftentimes I talk to people, like again, we're talking about putting a hand on your heart. It's asking, like, what do you need? Women will come into my program and I'll be like, okay, well, what do you need right now? They don't know because nobody's asked them. Like, no parent has ever got them to check in with themselves. Imagine what we can do if we start teaching our children this social and emotional learning of saying, okay, sweetheart, what is it that you need? And not to force them to figure it out for us and like so they can you can fix it. There's a balance there that I always try to tell people. If your intent is trying to get your toddler to shut up, they're gonna know and they're not gonna work in the way that you want them to.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, they know. Even at two years old, they know, right? It's like really getting out of this mindset of fixing into this mindset of like supporting, teaching skills, collaborating. Again, it's always important to set clear limits and follow through on them. That is part of healthy, effective discipline. That is also part of attachment, right? Because kids want to have a sense of control and feel powerful, but they can't fully be in control or be all powerful, or that makes them feel very uneasy and can really create a snowball effect where they're pushing, pushing, pushing, trying to find where the boundary is or where the limit is. So it can escalate behavior and create a lot of feelings of just like insecurity on the inside. And so oftentimes people think that having, you know, quote unquote like secure attachment or good attachment with your child is about your child being happy all the time and feeling good. But what it really means is that you're a parent who allows your child to feel seen and hurt, you're a parent that sets limits and follows through on them in a clear but kind, firm way, and that you're a parent who teaches skills that allows your child to make mistakes, doesn't use blame, shame, guilt, judgment, or fear, but instead teaches them the skills that they need to grow and learn.

SPEAKER_01:

I think that's exactly it. Because if we can get this, oftentimes gabor mate will use the word attunement in this realm of learning how to get secure attachment with your child is through attunement. So figuring out, oh, what is it that they need, and then trying to kind of work around that based on what also can you give? So it's this balancing act. And I love how you said not using blame or shame or fear or judgment, because once we start putting those in the mix, immediately insecure attachment starts to form because our brains fill in the gaps for stuff. So if we've made a mistake and then we get in trouble for it, our brain is filling in the gaps, right? Our neurons are firing and wiring together in a way that says, oh, okay, we pissed off mom when we did this. So now I have to figure out another another way not to do that. So now you're micromanaging your mother's, you know, emotions. You're growing up, you're figuring out how to fill these gaps. And all of a sudden, bam, now as a mother yourself, you're doing the same thing to your child. And by figuring out this attunement, both with your child and with yourself and learning to give yourself grace and compassion and understanding. And the key thing you said there, and I just want to really hit it home, is it's not about perfection. It's not about making your kids happy all the time. I could say this to a blue in the face, but like secure attachment is not about happiness. If you ever hear anything that is that I say, I never say, I help you get happy relationships or I help you live a happier life, because it's not true. We have to have happiness and sadness and all these things. It's about being fulfilled and satisfied and this kind of sense of just like, you know, when you eat food and you feel just nice and satisfied, maybe not too much, like Thanksgiving dinner, but you're not starving. That's the place we want to get into. And so when you're sitting there and you're with your children and and you're trying to figure out, okay, how do I build the secure attachment? How do I set boundaries? And they get so upset. And how do I sit in that discomfort? Comfort when they're upset at my boundary. Can you talk me through that at all? Like, have you had this come up before? Is there any tips or tricks you have for this?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah. This is like the number one challenge parents are facing, right? And this is why gentle parenting also has a bad reputation. So, first it's toddlers have a bad reputation. Now gentle parenting does because parents think that gentle parenting means that your child never cries and never gets upset, right? And then that's where you're gonna get this secure attachment. Your child's going to be emotionally healthy, all of these things. Where, yes, again, we want to take a child's feelings and emotions into account. We don't want to stomp on them, we don't want to like snuff them out, especially in toddlerhood, because your child is creating a sense of self for the very first time. So they're going to be internalizing how the environment reacts to them, including all the people in that environment, and they're going to be looking and developing a sense of self based on what's being reflected to them about themselves, right? So that is important to help your child feel seen and heard. But without the clear limits, without those clear boundaries, then a child is just going to be going in all of these different directions. And we are not going to be in the role of a leader and guide. And that's what children truly need is someone to guide them, to be a leader and guide. And I think it's just sometimes so hard to be in that position because it requires us to be vulnerable, right? It requires us to like accept our humanness, to accept that everyone makes mistakes, to take responsibility and ownership for our mistakes, to make amends. All of this is really, really uncomfortable. It can feel really uncomfortable, right? And so if we're not willing, as you said, to sit in that discomfort, it makes parenting a lot more challenging because we're going to constantly be in that fix-it mode, which is going to help have us be hyper-vigilant and it's not going to give enough space for our child emotionally, but also for us to set the container with clear boundaries and limits.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Let me talk this idea out with you. I had learned this recently, which was this idea of our job as parents is to help our child co-regulate, right? So we have like the three types of regulation. We have auto-regulation, co-regulation, self-regulation. And we all think, oh, we need to learn self-regulation, you know, we need to learn how to self-soothe, but it actually starts with co-regulation. Very first thing that we do, even when you're born, is you come out and you're learning how to regulate with your parent. And the idea here is that your caregiver, your primary caregiver, is meant to help your ebbs and flows. So they're meant to be that steady, strong rock that you can come and co-collaborate with and co-regulate with and have that happen. So they're like, oh, you know, because like you said, their little brains are like their little lizard brains all over the place right now. They don't have the, it's literally, they're just not biologically wired yet to understand how to make that work. And so that's our job. But what's been happening, something that's been shifting, unfortunately, and we'll get it back. But parents lately are trying to co-regulate with their child. In other words, they don't understand their own regulation. They're upset. So they're trying to get their child to feel better so they feel better. Does that make sense what I'm trying to say?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

So do you see this happening in your work at all? And do you have any tips or tricks for parents on regulation?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I mean, I think what you're describing like comes back to what we've been talking about is discomfort, right? With part of the spectrum of emotions, right? Because as a child, young children, they feel and interact with and express the full spectrum of emotion. Because at this point, they live in the moment and they haven't internalized these ideas as some emotions are good and some emotions are bad. But we have internalized this from society, how we were raised. And so now all of a sudden, the emotions that are quote unquote bad are very uncomfortable and make us experience a lot of discomfort. So we want to push them away. So if our child feels better, then we're going to feel better. But it also makes sense because parents today are so incredibly stressed. We are like time-starved. We don't have enough support. There's a lot of financial stress and worry. There's so many things happening that it's no surprise that we're coming into our days already dysregulated from a dysregulated place. So it makes sense that also when our kids become dysregulated, that it can feel so overwhelming to us that we're almost like anything to make it stop so we can feel better. So, because parents are just so under-resourced these days because of the way life is set up. And you know, everyone begs us to have kids. When are you gonna have a baby? When you have one, when you have another baby, you know, but then all of a sudden, once you have these babies that turn into toddlers and beyond, the world is not set up to support you and your kids, right? They just want the kids to just basically not be there, be seen and not heard. So this adds so much stress. And so I think this is why we're seeing this idea of like parents trying to regulate with their toddler in this way, because we're just coming in so under-resourced. So, what I would say to parents is anything you can do to take care of your nervous system, even if it's for two minutes a day, five minutes a day, whatever it might be, is going to be supportive. Whether that is saying some affirmations in the mirror, lighting a candle that just makes you feel good. It can be simple little things to start with, whether that's five minutes of meditation, asking for support, working on delegating some of the mental load and parenting, having those honest conversations with your partner if you're in a relationship, looking at the things that we can do to create a better baseline regulation in our life is going to give us more resilience for these challenging moments. Because if our resilience is low, it's a really tall order to be the grounded person for our toddler to co-regulate to.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. So it starts with us. Yeah. Yeah, it starts with us learning our regulation tips, figuring out what it is that we need to do in those moments. You know, go for your run, go do your yoga, go take a bath, take some time to yourself, really center your nervous system, as you're saying, and be able to come in fully fresh in order to be, you know, the best you can for your children. But it's okay to make mistakes. Because in my research that I did for writing my book, Dance of Attachment, one of the biggest pieces of information that I found out there, that I was actually like shocked by this, was to learn that did you know to have a secure attachment, you only need to be like attuned to your child 30% of the time. It's really not even that much. Like it's a low bar, guys. So as we're wrapping up here today, in talking about your book, Transforming Toddlerhood, and all of this stuff, what would you say to the parents out there listening right now who don't want to repeat those same patterns? You know, the ones that are sitting there and it's just like, I listen, I trust me, I get it. I completely and utterly, I'll just say it fucked up my child's toddlerhood like years. Like I did. Like I was a basket case. I have my mental health issues, I had really terrible depression, it was completely undiagnosed. I was volatile, I was yelling, I was throwing things, you know. Sometimes I'm surprised I didn't get my child taken away. Like we do really stupid shit as parents sometimes, and we are at the just point of breaking. And it's okay. We've all been there, and then you can figure it out. You can start over. My son and I have a beautiful relationship now. But I want to know from your experience and anything you want to share from your book. Parents out there that have that fear of just, I don't want to do to my kids what was done to me. What do you want to say to them?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, what I want to say is that I hear you and I see you. And the question that will be really supportive and helping you move forward is talking about the experience that you want to have as a parent, talking about the experience that you want your child to have versus what you're trying to not have. Because when we're coming at parenting from a place of fear, which is like, I don't want to do the same thing and trying to like keep that away, we're not actually talking about what the experience, what you want it to look like and how you want it to be. So it's really hard to know where to go. So that's why in my book, the whole first section of the book is called The Toddler Parent, which could really just be called the parents of kids everywhere, because we talk about those challenges and the things that are hard for us, right? So, you know, reparenting ourselves, what it looks like to be a safe parent, what to do if your partner is unsupportive, because we need to have the conversation of who do we want to be and how do we want to show up and what do we want to create versus just what do we want to avoid, which is the same for when you're parenting your kids. If you're constantly telling your kids what not to do, but you're never telling them what they can do or could do instead, we're not giving them a place to go to move forward. And so you'll likely see that same behavior repeated again and again. So it's funny, it kind of goes both ways.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I love that. So focus on this is great, gorgeous. I I call this working towards a solution, not against a problem. So this is about focusing on what do you want your child's childhood to look like, not what do you not want it to. Like, I don't want to yell at them, I don't want to dismiss them. Great starting point. But now let's focus on what do you want them to have? Is that what I'm hearing you say? Absolutely. And that's beautiful, you know, and uh just like real quick as we wrap up, the the science behind that is always really fascinating. And it has to do with our reticular activating system, which is like the part of our brain that focuses on everything. And so the things we focus on are tends to be what comes true. And so when we look at it this way, that's why if we're focusing on I don't want my child to grow up being traumatized, then what happens is our brain actually starts kind of putting things into place to where we end up traumatizing our child. And also, let's just be clear, guys. Childhood is traumatic, okay? It's a hard time out there. We're gonna traumatize them. Just save up some money, send him to therapy. You're gonna be a great parent. I swear to God. Like if you're here and you're listening and you are taking notes and you're listening to Devin and you're following her on Instagram, which, if you aren't, guys, you should definitely go follow her on Instagram. Even if you're not a parent, I gotta tell you, it works really well for inner child work. I don't know what it is, but Devin's like phrasing to children works for my own personal inner girl, and I love it. Follow her on Instagram and remember to work towards a solution, both for your childhood, both for your child's childhood. I gotta find a better way to say that. For their little tiny lives to say, this is what I want for them.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I love what you just said about the science because every time someone asks me, okay, Devin, so if I'm just starting at the very beginning, like what is your like number one parenting tip to get started on this journey? It actually has to do with this research because what we focus on grows. So if we are looking at toddlerhood as terrible, we are just looking for all the fires, we're looking for the challenging moments. That's what we're focused on. And I bet you that your child is having many moments throughout the day where they're having the behavior you want to see, but you're not seeing it because you're so focused on what's terrible thing is going to happen next. So start reorienting yourself to trying to notice once a day, then twice a day, then three times a day, then like every hour. What is one behavior my child is having that I want to see? Acknowledge it out loud. So both your brain realizes that you're seeing it, and your child realizes that you're seeing it because now you're rewiring your brain and your child sees that positive attention, and they're gonna be more likely to have that behavior again in the future. This is a really easy place to start that can make a huge difference that's supported in the brain science.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you so much for that. I think that just shifted something in my brain to do with my teenager. So could you please do a book next of transforming teenager hood, please? Because I'm gonna need that.

SPEAKER_00:

Everyone's asking for it, are you?

SPEAKER_01:

Right? We're gonna have you back on as soon as you figure this out. Please help me. But because it's that, like just realizing now of the things that I talk to him about, they're often even negative. It's like, oh, why didn't you pick up your shoes? You know, oh hey, your room's not clean. Have you done your homework yet? Everything's always in the negative. So thank you so much for that, even just shifting my perspective to see of like, hey, you know, like I can't even think of anything good right now. That what a terrible thing to say as a mother. It's like, no, I'd be like, well, thank you for putting your plate in, you know, the sink or something like that. It can be as simple as that. It's just as simple as that. But that's sometimes where our brains go. So just so everyone out there is listening, like it is difficult for myself as well. It is difficult for all of us mothers. I'm sure it is difficult for Devin as well. When we talk about this stuff, it's not because we are living some perfect life. It's because we've found a way that works. And we are just wanting to help share that with all of you. So if you guys have any questions, reach out, let me know. I'll make sure Devin gets them if it's not anything I can answer. And then, Devin, please let us know again where we can grab your book and all of that information.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so my book is available wherever books are sold. You can also find it at Amazon or your local bookstore. And what's so great about it is it is a quick reference guide that's comprehensive, full of scripts and tips and FAQs to help you get through all the challenges with 45 mini chapters. And you can continue the conversation with me at Transforming Toddlerhood on Instagram. You can send me a DM or go to my website, transforming toddlerhood.com.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, that's beautiful. Thank you so much. This was incredible. I'd love to have you back on sometime because I feel like we only got to scratch the surface on some of this stuff. So this was so much fun. And I know so many women in my community are going to feel so seen and supported by just everything you shared. The way that you can explain things and keep it real, I think it's just so important. And your book, Transforming Toddlerhood, is gonna help so many parents. And I'm so happy that you are bringing this work into the world. So thank you so much for coming on. And anyone listening, if you want more support with this or your own attachment patterns, you want to learn how to regulate yourself, if you want to learn how to start identifying behaviors as communication, you can also join us in our Speak Honest membership. It's where I coach women every week to earn secure attachment and feel confident in the relationships. You can learn more at speak-honest.com. But Devin, thank you so much for being here today. This was such a gift, and I will speak with you next time. Take care.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01:

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.

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Jennifer Noble

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