Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma

96. Why You Get Activated by “Small Things” | Coaching Call with Cordelia

• Jennifer Noble, PCC | Relationship Coach, TEDx Speaker, & Best Selling Author • Episode 96

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Have you ever wondered why the tiniest thing can send your whole body into a spiral even when nothing big is actually happening?
In this coaching call with Cordelia, we dig into what is really happening underneath those overwhelming somatic responses and why your nervous system reacts long before your logical mind can catch up. I walk Cordelia through understanding the deeper roots of activation, how trauma memories get stored in the body, and what it looks like to find real evidence of safety when everything feels chaotic. This is a gentle, honest, supportive conversation that will help you understand your own reactions in a whole new way. 

You might want to listen if:
• You get big emotional or physical reactions to things that seem small
• You are exhausted from being in fight or flight all the time
• You feel unsafe in your body even when nothing is actually wrong
• You struggle to calm down once the spiral starts
• You want simple, compassionate tools to help your nervous system feel supported again 

FIND OUT MORE!


DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from ...

SPEAKER_00:

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationship you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of Dance of Attachment. And on today's episode, I'll be helping a client move through nervous system overwhelm, her spiraling anxiety, and those why questions of like, why am I reacting so big to something so small? Those are the moments we all know too well. But before we dive in, I want to talk to you about our Speak Honest community. This is the space where women come to feel seen, supported, and understood while they learn how to regulate their emotions, they learn how to communicate with confidence and eventually rebuild their secure relationships from the inside out. It's where conversations like the one you're about to hear between me and Cordelia happen. It's where women get support they need to grow at their own pace. Members of the program, they get first access to podcast coaching like this. So over the next few weeks, you're gonna hear a series of coaching calls with me and Cordelia. And if that kind of support feels right for you, if you're listening in and you're like, oh my gosh, yes, I want that, then we would love to have you inside of our membership program so you feel supported in your healing journey. You deserve a space where your growth is seen, your questions are held with care, and your nervous system actually gets the support it's been craving. And I'll share more on how you can join at the end of the episode. But for right now, as you're listening to my conversation with Cordelia, I want you to think about the last time your body reacted before your brain could catch up. Think about the moments when you felt activated out of nowhere, or when a tiny inconvenience suddenly felt like the end of the whole freaking world. In this session, you're going to hear how I guide her through understanding what her body is trying to say to her, how to validate those thematic reactions, and how to begin finding evidence of safety, even in the middle of uncertainty. Now, let's dive in. So talk to me through what kind of help you're looking for right now.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, that's the million-dollar question there. Good point. Where do you start when you got the laundry list going? Funny enough, though. So I've been dealing a lot with nervous system issues, burnout, and lately I don't know. There's no trigger, really. Little little stressors suddenly feel ginormous. And it's unlike me to get that worked up over small things. And I don't mean worked up and then like getting angry, but then I just feel stressed and nauseous and like my energy is on overdrive, I guess you could say.

SPEAKER_00:

And how is that affecting you in your day-to-day life? How is it holding you back from what you want to be doing?

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like suddenly when that comes on, inspiring is like the ADHD squirrel syndrome on overdrive. I don't know what to do. Like I want to do something, or I'll try to go lay down and I can't lay down, I can't relax, or I'll play a game on my phone, and then that stresses me out. And not because of the game itself, but because I think I'm on a screen, which I probably shouldn't be when you're trying to kind of bring yourself down. I've tried going outside with the dog and getting some air. The air feels lovely. The construction across the street, I want to scream.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, something else that just kind of adds on to that. So it's sounding like your your body, your nervous system is getting activated. Is that right? Correct. Yeah. And so tell me about what it feels like in your body. How do you know that you're spiraling? How do you know you're activated?

SPEAKER_01:

I begin to feel like I'm suffocating in my own body. I feel like I'm almost choking on a breath, and it's is almost stuck in the center of my chest is like a wall. And then right through my throat, my throat feels like almost like it's blocked. And then that sends this spiraling energy through my body that's tense.

SPEAKER_00:

And is that I I'm assuming it's not a pleasant feeling, but I just have to ask. Is it scary? Is it uncomfortable? Like what does it kind of feel like when that's happening?

SPEAKER_01:

It's very uncomfortable. It's very uncomfortable, and it feels like a pulsating feeling almost. And I don't think my heart is like speeding, but it almost like that, that when you've been running and your heart is moving quickly.

SPEAKER_00:

So there's like a real physical reaction going on in your body, but nothing like physical is happening around you. Is that right? Correct. Okay. So yeah. So this is just this is a pure somatic response to something going on. So something that we maybe could work on today is digging into where's that coming from? How long have you had it? And then maybe a couple tips and tricks for how to kind of manage that in the moment. And then we could keep working long term, but I want to be able to give you something that helps in the moment. Does that sound like something you're looking for?

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, okay, great. Okay. Is there any other direction you want to take this today? Anything else you're kind of like looking for?

SPEAKER_01:

You know, actually, I think this is quite perfect because it's been off and on for a while, but it's suddenly feeling like it's escalating. And if something that is normally small is triggering, it's kind of a weird thing to be triggered by something so small when you know normally you'd be like, okay, this is frustrating, it's annoying, but carry on. It's a very big response to even small things, not just big things.

SPEAKER_00:

Perfect. So I hear you saying that you have this kind of small situation happening, but your reaction is up here. Yeah. Yeah. Luckily, I'm not yelling at anybody for it. Not yet. So just wait till I get to the end of the podcast. That'll be good. No, when we are in this situation, so this is great. Can I speak on this real quick?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, great. So people will often ask, oh, am I overreacting? And I guess like the nice answer, like truly is to be like, no, no, of course not. You know, everybody goes through this. But I suppose the real honest answer is, yes, you are overreacting, but not in a way that overreacting is a bad thing. Is that making sense? Yes. Okay, good. So if the situation is down here, you know, like something happened or someone walked past you on the street, but up here, you're like, that motherfucker, I want to like punch him in his freaking face and he's so just and you're like, dude just walked past me, right? That's an indication of an overreaction. But, and here's the big difference. I want us to look at that overreaction. And I think you're doing that now, which is beautiful and why you're coming to me with these questions. We want to look at that overreaction as an observation. Why am I overreacting? What's going on there? And if we take this as a learning lesson, real quick, it is so common for us to quote unquote overreact when we have a built-up list of trauma kind of underneath our belt, so to speak. So you're not reacting to the thing that happened today. You're not reacting to the guy that walked past you on the street. You're reacting to the 20 to 50 other times somebody hit you or pushed you or ignored you or however it was someone treated you. So as I'm saying that, how's it landing? I hear you.

SPEAKER_01:

As in, like, that's a really interesting analysis, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. And it makes sense because you're normally not triggered over like something like the email didn't want to load properly, or it didn't show the reply option. Like they're such small things, you're like, okay, that's dumb. Like it's a gremlin, whatever. But why would that cause such anxiety in me? And that makes me feel so nauseous, and then I can't eat. I could like and I'm spiraling.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And that makes sense that your your body is just reacting to anything because it doesn't know the difference.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it holds on to things, right? Remember, our body stores our memories, our body kind of stores our trauma. So let's say, for example, um, I was talking to a client a couple months ago, and she started getting these big emotional reactions when she would have to open up her email at work. It was almost like dread, right? It was like she would sit down, perfectly fine, having a great time talking to her coworkers, and she would sit down. And it's like before the emails even came up, she almost wanted to start crying. And she's like, what the hell? It's just emails. What's going on? So this is almost sounding similar to that, which is here's a thing happening, and I'm acting in a way where I shouldn't be acting. But that's what I want to touch on. Because that belief right there, I shouldn't be acting this way. This is small. My reaction is big. I hear judgment there. Why is it small? What makes it small? Why can't it be big? If it's big to you, it's big. It's validate that, right? Okay. And I understand you're like, yes, but I don't want to act this way. That's no problem. But the first step is first acknowledging that this thing is doing something to you. And it's like, oh, okay. Like imagine like a piece of salt. You know, you put one little grain of salt in your spaghetti sauce. It's not going to be a big deal. It's just one piece of salt. But then put another one and another one and another one and another one. You're not just dealing with one thing, you're dealing with all of this shit going on in your life. So when something else comes up and pops up, your body is like shutting down or getting activated or your heart's thumping, not because of an email, or not because of what somebody did or said, but because of this lack of control, this like lack of power and this like, oh, out of control nature that's feeling in our body. So that's where we want to get to first, which is starting to just notice and be like, oh, that's trying to tell me something. I wonder what it's trying to tell me. So what do we think it's trying to tell you?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. It's almost like on some level, my body doesn't feel safe with anything right now.

SPEAKER_00:

That sounded like something it wanted to tell you. I'm not safe. Yeah, I don't feel safe with anything right now. Yeah. As you shared that, what came up for you?

SPEAKER_01:

That is fear-based. Because of what is sort of going on in my life, and and I don't know what tomorrow will bring. And it's not necessarily just your regular what will tomorrow bring future. It's I mean this is like this unknown phase, and I don't know if I'm gonna have any opportunities come, or am I just gonna die broke so to speak, or what? Like that doesn't sound small.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that sounds pretty big. Yeah. So no wonder you don't feel safe. What if we just gave that some attention first? And just said, of course you're scared, sweetheart. Yeah, of course you're scared. Yeah, yeah, of course you're scared. You're in an interesting little limbo land, right? You're like in between things and trying to figure stuff out. Yes. And that's scary as hell.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

The first step to releasing and feeling relief with these big emotional, kind of somatic responses coming up, the very first step of all of this is acknowledging it, not pushing it away, not judging it. And I know that seems like counterproductive, but it's it just weirdly works. And it and we talk about this sometimes, right? But if you have like a toddler or a dog or something like that and they want attention, they know the difference between I'm giving you attention to make you go away, and I'm giving you attention because I genuinely love and care for you. Now, can you feel the difference between that and your body? Not at the moment. Think about it this way. If you are with me and you're like, you're sitting with me, and you're my friend. Well, you're you are my friend, right? But like, let's say you're sitting there and and I'm telling you some story and you're like, Jen, just like get over it. It's not that big of a deal. It's you know, it's it's ruining things that are happening in your life, if you said that to me. Versus saying to me, Wow, that sounds really scary. What do you need right now? Do you need any help? I'll sit with you for as long as this takes. Yeah. Which friend would you rather be? Would you want to be? The friend that's willing to sit with you. Yeah. So can we sit with you? Can like can we sit with ourselves that way? Give it as much time as it needs.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know how.

SPEAKER_00:

The how will come later. But first, let's ask if we can. What resistance is coming up for you right now as I'm asking that question?

SPEAKER_01:

Right through my body, right through my hips.

SPEAKER_00:

Good one.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

My whole body is like not loving this. Okay, tell me about that. Your whole body's not loving that. You said, did I hear you say it's going through your hips? Oh yeah, I can feel it in my hips right now. Let's give your hips some attention. Could you tell me in a neutral word what it feels like? Uncomfortable? How is it uncomfortable? In a neutral term, how is it uncomfortable?

SPEAKER_01:

Like if I was sitting in a position that's not a normal position to be sitting in, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00:

It does, yeah. And this is, if you can tell, that's a lot harder to do than most people think. Trying to explain your sensations and your body in a neutral term is one of the hardest things to do, which is why I like a challenge that, right? So you're if there's resistance, you don't know how to do it, beautiful. But I like that. You're sitting in like a different position that you wouldn't normally sit in. So let's just give your hip some attention. Let's have it be in that position. What does it need right now? Can you ask your hips what they need right now? Probably a good yoga cut. Okay. What if like if you could give them something like right now, even like do they want to stretch? Do you want to get up and stretch? Stand up and stretch then, girl. Do it. What do you need?

SPEAKER_01:

I'm pressing on some of the pressure points in there. Like when the massage therapist finds a knot and they sort of push on it a little bit. That's kind of what I'm doing right now. Do your hips like that? Check in with them, ask. Well, it's like catch 22, it doesn't doesn't, right? Because it's like, hey, what are you doing? I like that uncomfortable knot. But it's like, oh, hey, wait. Releasing a little bit, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Can we talk to that part of you that said, hey, I like that uncomfortable knot?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, that's what a lot of the knots in our body do when they start when they're like tight and the massage therapist is trying to work through it. They're a little cranky at first. And then when you start giving them love, they start to loosen up a bit.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So let's talk to that cranky knot. I want to go at the cranky knot's pace. You're giving it some love and then it starts to work through it, sure. But what if you give it too much love too fast? If you try to go into a knot that's not warmed up, you can also have consequences, can't you?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So let's keep checking in with your knot on your hip. Is it doing okay? Does it want to go slower? Does it want to go faster? No, it's just slowly doing a thing. Perfect. Slowly then. Right there, slowly. That's a beautiful word. This is what I want you to be doing this week with your body. I know you have a lot going on in your life. And we can talk about the feeling of unsafe and we can do all that as well. But because your body is so physiologically holding on to something, it's almost like we just need to have a conversation with it. I think you and I were talking before as well, is like with eating and things like that as well, which is just let yourself eat whatever you want. And I know that seems like that goes against every bit of normal societal knowledge on our bodies, especially as women. But there's something powerful in giving ourselves back the control that we have the choice to lay down, to eat French fries, to walk outside, to take care of ourselves. It's all our choice. I want to get you back there first so you can see how safe you are in your choices. Because these big somatic feelings, they're not gonna go away anytime soon. So let's just also be mindful of that. If I said to you right now, this is going to be, you know, like a three to six month long process. How does that feel? That uh my head did not like that one.

SPEAKER_01:

Hey, let's give your head some attention. Right above the eyes, like it just went like, no, don't like that. Yeah, it's already been so many months of trying.

SPEAKER_00:

Let's talk to that part of you. Your head. No, I don't like that. It's already been months of trying. What does your head need right now? A beverage. What kind of beverage? Like a wine or like uh sparkling water? I don't care which one. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, get your wiggles out. I like that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I still wanna t I still want to pay some attention to your head though, because I don't want to ignore it. I just want to keep talking to it because it it spoke up. It did speak up, but it wasn't as loud. Oh, that's beautiful. But I just want to check in with it. What does it need? Calmness. Does that make sense? Yeah. How what kind of calmness?

SPEAKER_01:

How would it like calmness? I think there's just so many variables that are up in the air right now. Absolutely everything that it's wanting just at least something to feel secure.

SPEAKER_00:

Or just let's give it something. We're gonna work on the evidence now. Tell me one or two ways that your life is calm right now. Calm and secure. I don't feel like there is anything all that calm and secure. Yeah. I feel that so deeply. And you know the work that we do inside of the reboot program when we work on our evidence for our somatic repetition? It's gonna be like this. We need to go low-hanging fruit right now. So let me ask you this question. Do you live on your own? Yes. Do you have to have a ton of roommates that are coming in and out of the house stealing your stuff? No.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

No. That is calm and secure. Do you have a bed to sleep in? Yes. That is calm and secure. Do you have a lock on your door? Yes. That is calm and secure. Do you have any form of transportation? Like, do you have a car? Do you take mass transportation? I have a car. Okay. So you can just get in a car, put your own music on, be in your own space. You don't have to worry about anyone else. You don't have to sit next to like some weird grody guy on a bus. Correct. That is calm and secure. Now, the fact that that's hard to find, super normal. Because our limited beliefs, our attachment wounds that you're familiar with, they prevent us from seeing that stuff. What you're doing right now is calm and secure, isn't it? Yes. Yeah. Just petting your loved one. That's calm and secure. Somebody came up very quietly. Yeah, they really did, which is very abnormal of them, which is very sweet. Yes. So they're calm. Oh maybe your body language, even just calm and secure. Right there. That's calm and secure. Are there tons of aspects of your life that are chaotic and uncertain right now and insecure? Absolutely. There are in my life too, just to be clear. Right? Like that is a common thing. It happens in everyone's life. What we need to do is teach your body to rewire your mind to find the calm and secure. And the reason why we're going calm and secure is because we asked your mind, what did it need? So we're just using your language, your body. You see that?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Your homework for this week, what I want you to do until we talk next week, is this is going to be kind of like your evidence, your somatic repetition. It's just going to look different to you. It's not going to be like an I am statement, although you could say I am calm and secure if you really want to, but it's more than that for you. Because it's not just an attachment wound of like, oh, I am unworthy. It's this big, massive like attachment belief of just everything around me is chaotic and insecure. And I have no control over anything. So your evidence I want you to flatten, you can journal about it. You can just say it to yourself while you're walking. Or you do it in the moments when your body is getting that way again. Heart is pounding, throat is constricting. You check in with your body, you check in with the area. You say, Oh, okay. I can see you need something right now. What do you need, sweetheart? And then if it comes up again calm and secure, you'll be like, okay, I can see why you're scared. You're validating that part of you. I can see why you're scared. I have this comfy couch. I have this beautiful animal. I have this lovely place to live. We have, I don't know, do you have AC or like heat, depending on whatever your temperature is like? Oh no. Okay, yeah. No, we need this. No, my service job is broken right now. Okay, you know what? That's fair. Don't see, don't go there then. But like that you're like, oh great. Thanks. Thanks, Jen. Another thing I have to worry about.

SPEAKER_01:

Oddly that's not stressful. It is annoying, but not stressful for what? One of the few things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But we have like, we can have windows, we can have fans. Like, where are you comfortable? Maybe what you need is a bath. Maybe what you need is to go for another walk in a beautiful park somewhere, right? The point here is you're like, oh, I'm feeling this certain way. What can I give my body to get that? And what this is going to do, this is going to rewire your central nervous system, right? Because right now you are in sympathetic nervous system, fight or flight. This is what's happening. So it could just be that the smallest thing, like somebody cut you off, and it's just like, oh, it ruins your whole day. That's fight or flight. That's your sympathetic nervous system and it is activated. We need to get you to a parasympathetic nervous system, which is your rest and digest. And it's just to be able to pendulate between the two. It's okay to be heightened and active. It's just that we need to also give it rest. And then when those moments we're like, okay, well, what I need right now is calm and secure. So how can I get that? And I don't care if it's on your phone, Cordelia. I don't be on your phone. People make such a big fuss about phones.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, and sometimes playing certain games, they do. Like they're Yeah. They they do help because of the destruction, because of the challenge of it. Yes. Yes. It's it's more when when I say I probably shouldn't be on my phone, it's more of the sometimes you don't realize that another screen is probably not what you need at that moment. That's that is true. So that's learning the difference.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And that comes with when we are ready later on. It's like asking a toddler to regulate themselves when they're not ready yet. No. So sometimes we need those helps. Sometimes we need the phone. Sometimes we need the TV. Sometimes, you know, we need a muddy book or a glass of wine. Like the thing is, is I'm just not here to judge that stuff because I think that it is in its part helpful to us at certain times. And then when we're ready, just when we're ready, we move on to something different. And we're like, oh, you know what? I've made it pretty far in this journey. This white claw isn't really for me anymore. You know, like I actually, when I drink this, feel a little bit worse. Do you see the intention behind that choice now? And you're absolutely right. Like you said, sometimes we might not need it, which is why we're going to check in. Any action you make this week, just want you to check in with yourself. Is it serving you? And if it is, good. If that's eating french fries, if that's laying on your ass all day, if that's chugging a bottle of wine, I don't care. Is it serving you today? It will not be forever. I promise you. But if we can give your body a little bit of some control like that, right? Let your little inner girl have whatever she wants. Give her that comfort, give her that safety, give her that secureness. Teach her she's safe. She'll come out of her hidey hole. She'll start calming down, and then we'll be able to level up to the next step and then to the next step, and then to the next step. But right now we're here. So let's stay here, okay?

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

All right. So as we're wrapping up today, what are your takeaways? What what do you what did you hear me say was your homework this week?

SPEAKER_01:

That when I start to get sort of anxious to ask myself, what do I need? And to remind myself that I am calm and I'm safe.

SPEAKER_00:

Find the actual pieces of evidence. Not even just remind yourself, like in a platitude. Find the evidence, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Remind myself. Talk about my fur babies. Yes. Yeah. And what did it feel like? Right? When one was crouched behind my back for a while last night, and how calming that felt.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, that right there. I love it. Oh, you can almost feel that somatic response of the calminess. Like, I mean, maybe I don't know, I'm not in your body, but my body just kind of got calm or thinking about it.

SPEAKER_01:

There is something super calming when when they cuddle. It really is. It is super calming. And I actually am quite grateful for all of my babies, but one of them is so affectionate. And whether he's in my back or in my arms sometimes at night. Last night I was just getting into that comfort throwing asleep. I curled in my arms, and then he got all ruthless and started to gring me. And I'm like, thank you for ruining my sleep.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that happens. That's the fun part about them. They've got both the good and the bad, just like life. I love that. I love that so much. Oh, okay. So I hear you have your homework. So that's what we're gonna work on. Find the evidence, journal it down, write it in the Facebook group if you want, send me a Facebook, uh, like an email, whatever it is to keep you accountable, and I'll keep checking in with you. And then next week, let's talk about the change, the shift, and what our next step will be. How does that sound?

SPEAKER_01:

Lovely.

SPEAKER_00:

All right, beautiful. Well, thank you so much for coming on here, Cordelia. And I will speak with you next week, okay? Thank you. All right, take care. All right, everyone, that is it for today's episode. I hope this session with Cordelia helped you feel a little more understood in your own healing journey, especially if your nervous system has been doing that up and down dance lately. If you're listening and thinking, I need this, I need women who get it, then I want to personally invite you to join us inside the Speak Honest membership. If you've been here for a while, this is what we used to call the Relationship Reboot Program. It's the same support, it's the same coaching, just a name that fits a little bit better with who we are now. And you can find everything you need to join us in the show notes or head to speak-honest.com to learn more. You'll see what's included, how to join, and how to get the kind of support you heard in today's session. All right, ladies, that's it for this week. I will speak with you all next time. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak on it.

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