95. Validate Before You Vent: The Holiday Survival Guide for Sensitive Souls (Part 2)

Ever find yourself replaying an argument and wishing you’d handled it differently?
 In this episode, I’m walking you through two of the most powerful steps in my communication framework, validation and collaboration, so you can turn conflict into connection this holiday season. We’ll talk about what validation actually means (hint: it’s not agreeing with someone), how to create repair after a rupture, and how collaboration helps you co-create solutions that honor everyone’s needs. If last week’s episode was about regulation, this one’s about repair, the part that brings you back to love, trust, and safety.

You might want to listen if:

• You keep having the same argument on repeat with your partner or family
• You struggle to express your truth without sounding defensive
• You want to learn how to repair a rupture without losing your voice
• You crave deeper connection but don’t know how to get past the tension
• You’re ready to bring calm, compassion, and collaboration into your relationships this holiday season
  
  

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from ...

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Holiday Series Focus
• 0:44 Regulation Recap: The RAISE Method
• 2:00 Why Repair Happens After Calm
• 2:35 Book Invitation: Dance Of Attachment
• 3:05 What Validation Really Means
• 5:10 The Six And Nine Perspective Analogy
• 6:15 Attachment Needs And Feeling Seen
• 8:39 Collaboration: From Us Versus Problem
• 10:30 Holiday Scenario: From Rupture To Plan
• 12:05 Repair As Heartbeat Of Intimacy
• 13:20 Practice, Grace, And Next Steps
• 14:18 Resources And Subscribe Reminder

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach. And on today's episode, we are continuing our holiday series with one of the most powerful parts of my communication framework: how to validate and collaborate so you can turn any conflict into connection. So last week we talked about regulation, specifically how to use my raise method to calm your body before you react. But let's be honest, when you're triggered, your nervous system is the one running the show, and you can't talk your way out of fight, flight, or freeze. You have to feel your way out of it. Last week we talked about regulation, how to use my raise method to calm your nervous system when you get triggered. Because when emotions take over, it's impossible to communicate clearly. Just genuinely speaking, it cannot happen. Your body goes into protection mode and everything feels personal. That's the worst time to be having a conversation. You cannot validate or collaborate when you are dysregulated. So we have to regulate first. If you get a chance, go back, listen to that episode first, and then come back here and let's talk about validation and collaboration. Because once you've had a chance to settle, once the heat comes down and your body feels safe again, that's when it's time to come back to the table. That's where validation and collaboration come in. They're not about what happens during the conflict, but what you do after. They're the repair part of this rupture. And I'll be honest, this is either the part that most people skip straight to or they want to skip past, meaning they forget to regulate and then they just come in hot telling their partner what to do, or they've regulated and then they don't communicate what it is that they need. Both of those things are not repair. We either move on and pretend nothing happens, or we hash the same argument over and over again trying to prove our point. Neither one actually heals the disconnection. Validation and collaboration are how we come back to each other, how we say, hey, we're okay. We're on the same team, even if we still see things differently. And before we dive in, if you've been loving these conversations we've been having here on the Speak Honest podcast, then I would love for you to go and grab a copy of my brand new best-selling book, Dance of Attachment. It's everything I teach here and in my Speak Honest membership. The stories, the science, the humor, and the tools that help you understand why you react the way you do in relationships and how to build trust after conflict. You can grab it on Amazon or just jump over to danceofattachment.com or scroll on down to the show notes and click on the link there. And as you're listening to today's episode, I want you to think about a recent moment where you felt misunderstood or disconnected from someone you care about. Maybe it was Aunt Sally at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Maybe it was your mom asking you yet again, when are you gonna have kids? Maybe it was you and your husband in a fight on the way to Christmas dinner. I just want you to be thinking about what happened after that moment. Did you repair it? Did you avoid it? Did it still feel unfinished? Because that's what we're exploring today. How to come back to the people you love in a way that feels safe and real. How to validate their experience without abandoning your own beliefs. And how to collaborate on a solution that works for the both of you. Not just smooth things over and pretend everything's fine. By the end of this episode, you will have a clearer sense of how repair really works. Not from a place of perfection or performance, but from genuine care and curiosity. Alright, now let's dive in. So let's start with validation. Validation is not agreement. Do we understand this? This is one of the biggest misunderstandings I see in relationships all the time. When I talk about validation, oftentimes the women in my group will say, but Jen, if I validate them, it's like I'm saying that they're right. But they're not right. I'm right. Nope, not at all. Let's cut that out right now, ladies. That's not what validation means. Validation isn't about proving someone else right or wrong. It's not even about proving yourself right or wrong. It's about acknowledging their experience makes sense to them. Honestly, if the whole world could figure this out, we would be a better place. You're not saying you're right. You're not saying, oh, yes, I am wrong and you are correct. What you're saying is, oh, I get how you see it that way. And that small difference changes everything. So let's use an example. So let's say your husband says, you never listen to me, and you immediately feel that defensiveness in your body. And what do you say back to that? What are you talking about? I listen all the time. See, what they're really saying in this moment is, I feel frustrated because I don't think you're hearing me. Right? If they could really get to the core of what it is that they're feeling and what it is that they're perceiving, this is what they would be saying to you. But can't you see it from their side a little bit? Because they literally just said to you, you never listened to me. And instead of hearing them, you got defensive back. So let's take a step back. And again, we can't do this if we're not regulated, ladies. So go back, do the raise method, once you're calm, then you can validate. Pause long enough to hear the emotional truth underneath the words that someone else is saying to you. So you can respond with, hey, it sounds like you're, you know, really feeling frustrated right now because you don't think you're being heard. Wow, that must actually be really frustrating. I could see why you think that. That's it. You don't have to admit fault. You don't have to say, You're right, I'm not hearing you. You don't have to give in. You just have to say, you know what, I hear that this is your experience. And that's the power of validation. Think about it. How great would it feel for you to be validated in a situation? If you're telling your mom, hey, you really need to stop asking me about kids. Okay? She's gonna hear what? After all I've done for you, or she's gonna hear this in different ways. But if you imagine she said to you, you know what? Yeah, you're right. I can see how that's really annoying. That's her validating you. Even if she wants to keep asking you about kids every time you show up to the dinner table. That is her validating you. If we can give that to other people, it helps us repair the connection so much faster than you can even imagine. One of my favorite ways to explain validation is through the six and nine analogy. Now, this is in my book, Dance of Attachment, so if you want to go and check it out there, you can. But imagine two people are standing on opposite sides of a sidewalk, and there's a number drawn between them, and one person sees a six. But what does the other person see? On the complete opposite side, they see a nine. Well, they're both right, but the same number is right there. So based on where they're standing, one sees a six and one sees a nine. Their truth isn't wrong. It's just perspective. And that's what validation looks like in real life. You can say, oh my gosh, I can see that that would look like a nine from where you're standing. And from my side, it looks like a six. See how you get to hold both truths at the same time? And when you do this, you're not fighting for who's right or wrong, which just causes more disconnection. You're building a bridge of understanding. You're saying, I don't have to agree with you to understand how you got there. That moment of mutual understanding is where safety starts to return. And when we feel misunderstood, our attachment patterns, they get super activated. So for people with an anxious or disorganized attachment stance, not being validated can feel like true abandonment, like your whole body is shutting down in that moment. But for those with an avoidant attachment stance, it can feel like intrusion or loss of control or autonomy when this is happening. But what happens with validation is you get to meet both of those needs. So it tells the anxious person, you're seen and I'm not going anywhere. And it tells the avoidant person, you're safe and you have freedom. So whether you're trying to repair with your husband or your boyfriend or your friend or your aunt Sally or your Uncle Bob or your mom or your dad, validation is the first step towards re-establishing trust after a rupture. Once both people feel seen and settled, the next step is collaboration. And collaboration is how we move forward after the repair. So it's not about compromise where both people are giving up something. It's about co-creating a solution that honors both of your needs. You could think of it like dancing. Sometimes one person leads and sometimes the other person does. And the rhythm only works when both people are tuned into the same song. But imagine if you're trying to dance to two different songs, it just becomes a complete chaotic kerfuffle, right? So collaboration might sound like, hey, I can see that you need more alone time and I need more connection. So how can we make space for both of us? Or you could try saying something like, hey, I understand you felt overwhelmed last night and you didn't mean the things you said. How can we handle it differently next time? See how you're working with them now. You're working towards a solution. Collaboration is all about working towards a solution. It's not about saying, you pissed me off, you made me angry, now you have to fix it. That would be working towards a problem. We want to work towards a solution. We want to say, hey, I feel relief when you have these conversations with me and we can work on them together. How can we do this next time? Or, hey, mom, it makes me feel so much more at home when I can just come to the house and be completely myself and I don't have to be performative. Can you please ask us about something else when we come over instead of kids? I know that you want them so bad. And also, it just makes us feel so much happier when we're here and we don't have to think about it right now. You see how we're working towards a solution in this moment? And even in that moment, we still validated her and her lived experience. And the goal is to work together on a same team, on the same side. So you're working towards a shared outcome. Because in the end, your mom just wants a connection with you. And in the end, you just want connection with your mother. So how can we work on that together? So let's bring this to something that might come up very soon, maybe a holiday situation. Let's say you and your husband get into a fight right before Thanksgiving dinner. You're stressed about hosting, they're stressed about travel, and you guys just snap at each other. And later that night, when you're both calm, this is the perfect time for validation and collaboration. You might say, Hey, babes, I know I was short with you earlier, and I get that it probably made you feel unappreciated. I was feeling overwhelmed and I needed help, but it came out the wrong way. See, that's validation. You're not blaming, you're connecting. And then you move into collaboration next. Hey, next time when we host, maybe we can make a plan together ahead of time so we doesn't feel like we're both drowning in all of this. Now you've turned the rupture into repair. You moved from you versus me into us versus the problem. And that's the magic. See, validation and collaboration work because they meet our two deepest attachment needs to feel safe and to feel seen. And when both needs are met, the relationship becomes a space where conflict doesn't destroy connection, it strengthens it. Rupture in a relationship is not a sign of failure. In fact, it's deeply needed. But what comes after the rupture is more important than anything else. We need the repair, and the repair is the heartbeat of intimacy. Every time you repair, you teach your body and your relationship that safety can be rebuilt. That's what creates real resilience, not avoiding conflict, but learning how to come back to it together. So as you move through the rest of this week, and especially through the holidays, right? Thanksgiving is just tomorrow by the time this one comes out. I want you to remember that repair doesn't require perfection. You don't need the perfect words, you don't even need to have it all figured out. You just need the willingness to come back after things get messy. That's what validation and collaboration truly are: an invitation back into connection. So validation says, I see you. And collaboration says, I want to move forward with you. And when you practice those two things over and over again, the relationship starts to feel safer. You stop walking on eggshells. You stop needing to win. You start feeling like you're on the same team again. So if something gets tense this holiday season, just remember, take your time, let your body calm down, and when you're ready, come back with validation and collaboration. That's how your connection grows. And if you want to go deeper into this kind of healing, and if you want to understand where these patterns come from and how to shift them, then grab a copy of my best-selling book, Dance of Attachment. It's full of stories and science and real life moments that help you see your relationships through a whole new lens. You can get it now on Amazon or over at danceofattachment.com. All right, ladies, thank you for spending this time with me. I love being a part of your growth, and I'm so proud of the work you are doing. Let's all give ourselves some grace, take a nice big deep breath, and remember, relationships aren't built on getting it right every time. They are built on coming back. I will speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.