94. Raise Before You React: The Holiday Survival Guide for Sensitive Souls (Part 1)

Ever walk into a holiday gathering already bracing for impact? 

You know that moment when your stomach tightens, your jaw clenches, and you can feel yourself spiraling before the turkey’s even carved? In this episode, I’m walking you through my 5 step RAISE Method, the same one I teach in my Dance of Attachment book, to help you regulate your nervous system before you react. Think of it as your pre-holiday emotional tune up. I’ll show you how to catch yourself before the meltdown, soothe your body when family dynamics get messy, and stay grounded in who you are, no matter what Aunt Sally says.

You might want to listen if:
 • Family gatherings leave you feeling drained, anxious, or on edge
 • You tend to shut down, over explain, or spiral when triggered
 • You want to understand your body’s warning signs before you blow up
 • You’re craving a real, doable way to stay calm and connected during conflict
 • You’re ready to learn how to regulate without pretending to be “fine”

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from ...

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome & Purpose Of Series
• 0:58 Book Plug: Dance Of Attachment
• 2:05 Why Regulation Beats Willpower
• 3:20 Spotting Your Activation Signals
• 5:37 The RAISE Method Overview
• 6:02 R: Remove Yourself From Trigger
• 7:28 A: Anchor Into Your Body
• 9:34 I: Inquire With Curiosity
• 11:24 S: Separate Stories From Facts
• 13:45 E: Equilibrate And Recenter
• 16:23 Weekly Challenge And Practice
• 17:15 What’s Next: Validation & Collaboration
• 17:36 Membership Invite & Closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach. And on today's episode, we are gonna be talking about holiday regulation and communication. Because holidays are right around the corner, and so I thought let's kick off a two-part series on how we can actually stay regulated in those tough conversations. So before we get started, I just want to remind all of you that my brand new best-selling book, Dance of Attachment, is currently out on Amazon and Barnes Noble. You can pretty much get it wherever you can get books. And I am so, so excited about this book. In fact, what we're gonna talk about today, which is my Ray's method to help you regulate your body, is actually in that book. So go ahead and go check it out. You can go to danceofattachment.com or you can just click on the link in the show notes to grab it. So now, as we aren't getting on with the episode, I want you to be thinking about this. When was the last time you walked in to your Thanksgiving dinner and you just could not handle the conversation happening around the table? I know what that is like for you to just feel like, oh my gosh, why can't Aunt Sally just shut her damn mouth already? But the thing is, is the best thing that we have is ourselves, right? We can't control other people. We can only control ourselves. So I want you to be thinking about that as we go on with today's episode. I want you to think of this episode like your pre-holiday emotional tune-up. What we're gonna talk about today is we're gonna talk about how regulation actually works and why your body doesn't care that you've read 10 self-help books before you showed up to your family dinner. Then we're gonna recognize the signs that you're activated, right? That moment where your body says, oh shit, we've been here before. And then I'm gonna walk you through my raise method. This is my five-step method to help you calm your nervous system, process your emotions, and respond with intention instead of reactivity. And by the end, you'll have a plan, one you can literally use at the Thanksgiving table if things start heating up. So let's start with what I mean when I say regulate. Regulation isn't about pretending to be calm or shoving down your feelings, it's about learning to ride the wave of activation so you can come back to center. See, in attachment language, when we feel triggered, like someone's criticizing us, or maybe they're ignoring us at the table, or you know, maybe Uncle Bob is really making us feel unseen because every time we speak up, he talks over us. Our nervous system activates these old attachment wounds. That's when we go into our familiar stances. The anxious one starts to overexplain or seek reassurance. You know, she starts being like, oh no, no, what I really meant was this, and she can't stop until she gets heard. But also, if you're avoidant, you kind of shut down, right? So the avoidant one is gonna shut down or get really icy or kind of start stonewalling, maybe cross their arms a little bit, get really angry. And the disorganized one, well, we're gonna flip-flop between the both, right? We're gonna be like, well, I want to be heard, and then you're not heard, so you shut down or you walk away, or worse, you get volatile. Maybe you flip your plate. Maybe you slam the door on your way out. These are all the ways that our attachment wounds affect our emotions. And none of this means that you're broken, of course. It just means that your body is trying to protect you. See, regulation is how we tell our bodies, hey, we've got this. We're safe now. Because until your body feels safe, your brain can't properly have a productive conversation. So it's not your fault that this is happening. You literally cannot problem solve when you're dysregulated. That's not how this works. See, your prefrontal cortex, which is that part of your brain that is all about reason and empathizing and making plans, it just completely goes offline. And there's nothing you can do about this. This is just biology. So the work isn't to be perfect, it's just to get online faster. And how do we get online? Well, here's what I want you to start paying attention to your tells, your patterns. We all have them. Maybe for you, your stomach tightens. You know, Aunt Sally starts to say something, and you already feel your stomach tightening, and you're like, oh, here we go again. Here she's got to start up again. Maybe your jaw is clenching, maybe your heart rate spikes. Maybe your voice gets louder. Sometimes mine gets squeakier. That's my tell. You can tell when I'm starting to get a little bit anxious, it starts going like this. Maybe you shut down. Maybe you dissociate. Maybe things start to go blurry around you. Maybe your hands start to shake. Maybe you feel yourself smiling, but inside you're thinking, I'm gonna fucking lose it. See, these are your nervous system's early warning signs. And if you can catch them early, you actually have a chance to pause before you spiral. So think of it like catching a pot before it boils over. The earlier you notice the steam, the easier it is to turn down the heat. Now that we've talked through what regulation actually is and how to notice if you're getting dysregulated, how to notice when you're activated, let's walk through what to do when you are dysregulated. Let's walk through my five-step raise method. Now, RAISE stands for R-A-I-S-E. It's simple, it's body-based, and it's something you could do anywhere, even at a noisy family gathering. So let's start with R. We want to remove ourselves from the situation because we cannot regulate if we are still dysregulated, right? Remember, we talked about this. Our prefrontal cortex shut down, our amygdala takes over. That's the part of our lizard brain that says, I'm gonna take care of all of this, and there's nothing you can do about it. So we have to remove ourselves. And removing ourselves just looks like going to the bathroom. It's one of my favorite ways to remove myself in any situation. I just say, Oh, I gotta pee real quick. And so then you go to the bathroom and you can do the rest of these methods. Sometimes, let's say you're stuck in a car, you're not able to actually remove yourself. Maybe you can ask, hey, I really have to go to the bathroom, can we pull over? Before you say something you're gonna regret to your husband because you guys are fighting on the way over to your parents' house, right? We don't want to do that. But also you can remove yourself by just kind of asking them, hey, can I have a minute? If you feel safe in your relationship to do this, this is a beautiful way to get yourself heard where you can just say, Hey, I'm feeling myself overwhelmed. I just need to take a moment from this conversation and then I'll have it. That's another way to remove yourself. So any of these, maybe you could just go outside for a walk. Maybe you're like, you know what? Oh no, we forgot the corn. I gotta go run to the store. You going to the store is not avoiding the situation. You're not being avoided in that moment. You are simply removing yourself from the trigger. See how this works? This is okay to do. We have to remove ourselves from the trigger in order for our bodies to regulate, for them to calm down in order to have this conversation later on. So that's our remove. Then once you've removed yourself, let's say you went to the bathroom. We're just gonna talk about this in terms of going to the bathroom. It's my favorite place to go to regulate myself. A, anchor. We're going to anchor into your body. But once you've stepped away, you want to anchor yourself back into your body. So what does this look like? Well, when we're triggered, we tend to live in our heads. We start spinning stories, we're predicting outcomes, we're analyzing tones, we are hyper-vigilant to everything going on around us. We are remembering every past hurt and we're future fantasizing about every future hurt they're gonna do to us. But anchoring brings us back to the present moment. So I want you to try this. When you go to the bathroom, you can literally kick off your shoes, put your feet on the tile. That coldness is an anchor point. It helps so much. Anchoring is just another word for grounding. So if you have your own personal grounding techniques, beautiful. If you don't, reach out to me and we can work on this together. But some beautiful anchoring techniques are breathing. Box breathing is a beautiful anchoring technique. Box breathing is when you breathe in for four, hold for four, exhale for four, and then hold for four. See how you make a box? There's also just noticing your breath. There is feeling your feet on the tile floor, like we talked about, feeling your weight in the chair, maybe even feeling, you know, the coldness of the rim of the toilet around your butt. Let's get really real here. Maybe you just want to touch the toilet paper with your hand. See how we can regulate wherever we are? Maybe you're in the car, you're stuck in the car with your husband, and you guys are fighting and you needed to remove yourself, so you asked for a break. Well, how are you gonna anchor then? Maybe you can feel the vibrations of the car, listen to the music being played. Maybe you can put your hands on your thighs and rub them back and forth to feel the texture of your jeans or your pants. This is all anchoring. This is you telling your nervous system, I'm here now and I'm safe. When you anchor, your body starts to shift out of fight or flight and into regulation. So this part is so important. Next, we're going to inquire, okay? We're gonna just inquire with curiosity about what's going on with our bodies. Hey, check in with it. Okay, what just got stirred up in me? Why am I so angry? What am I feeling right now? Where am I feeling it? If you're familiar with somatic experiencing, this is a perfect opportunity to start being like, okay, I feel a tightness in my stomach, I feel a shakiness in my hands. What emotions are underneath that? I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm scared, I'm exhausted, I'm overwhelmed. Let's get clear on the feelings that we're having. What does this remind you of? Oh, every past conversation you've had with Aunt Sally where she never listens to you. Maybe it reminds you of a really dark time in childhood when you got hurt and no one listened to you back then. And I know that's hard to hear. Trust me, I've been there. And at the same time, this is the part where we need to inquire. Now we can't inquire if we're still dysregulated. That's why we have to remove ourselves and then anchor ourselves. So only once our nervous system is starting to calm down can we actually inquire. Because inquiry takes part of your prefrontal cortex to get there. So again, if you're like, I can't even think right now, Jen, I can't get curious, I'm so pissed off. Then we need to go back to anchoring, girl. Don't worry about it. We all do it. So anchor, once you're grounded, once your breathing becomes regulated, check in with yourself. Maybe your dad cuts you off when you talk and instantly you feel that sting of, I don't matter. Oof, right? That's okay. We just want to inquire why this is happening. And this is just about being able to understand what's going on in our bodies. Because when you meet pain with curiosity instead of judgment, you start to reclaim your power. Isn't that amazing? So we've done R, so we're gonna remove ourselves. So let's say you're sitting on the toilet, okay, you've gone to the toilet, now you're anchoring yourself. You feel your cold feet on the ground, and you're like, okay, what's going on here? And you're like, okay, well, my dad interrupted me again. And this reminds me of all the times in childhood when I tried to get him to hear me and he wouldn't. And as a result, I got hurt. Beautiful. See where this is all coming from now? This isn't just about the turkey dinner on the table today in the year of 2025. This is all the decades of hurt. But now that we understand that, we're gonna check in with our stories. That's the S. So R A I S stories. And stories are separate from fact, right? Stories are the things that our minds tell us over and over again, our little spirals that happen, like, oh, I don't mean anything to anyone, I don't matter, I'm alone, I am unloved, I'm unlovable, I am unworthy, I am a burden, I am a problem, I am annoying. Whew. Do you hear those stories? You hear how they trigger us? Because when we're triggered, our minds fill in the blanks, and it's not usually in our favor, unfortunately. We assume someone's tone means they don't respect us, we assume silence means rejection, we assume a look means judgment. But again, stories are not facts. They're just our perceptions. So I always like to try to get us to ask the question: is this fact or a story? Is it fact that my mom doesn't love me? Is it a fact that my dad doesn't care for me? No. If those were true, then honestly, we should not be in that house right now because this is an unsafe environment. But it's just what we feel in our bodies and our brains because these are the stories that we have collected over the years. So the fact might be, hey, okay, mom asked me if I'm seeing someone, and I hate it when she does that, but you know, I get it, and then your body gets all tense and you're getting dysregulated. And but the story inside of there is she thinks I'm a failure because I'm a single woman. You see the story? Yeah, sure, your mom asked you, hey, when are we getting grandbabies? Right? But the story you're telling yourself is I'm a bad daughter. She won't love me without grandbabies. I am a burden to this family. I am an outcast. I am excluded. See this difference? I just want us to get really clear on what this feels like. So once you separate them, your body starts to settle because you're no longer reacting to fiction, you're responding to reality. So once you've gotten yourself in this place, so again, you've removed yourself, you're in the bathroom, you've kicked off your shoes, your feet are on the floor, you're grounding yourself, you've inquired about all the feelings and the somatic sensations going on in your body, and you've checked in with the stories that are ruminating in your head. Next, we're going to equilibrate those stories. So if in the past, right, you think, okay, my mom thinks I'm a failure. Now, I want you to equilibrate that story with the truth or part of the truth. Because if we can jump into she thinks I'm a failure, well, we can also jump into she thinks I'm amazing. And listen, she's your mother. She probably does think you're amazing. That's what mothers think, even if they don't show it all the time. So we have to think, where are there times when my mom has seen my success? Where are the times when she's been proud of me? And I want you to think of those moments. And we're going to start equilibrating. Because this equilibration, which just basically means balancing, is a way that we bring our nervous system back to balance. This is where we integrate everything. You've removed yourself, you've anchored yourself, you've inquired, you've sorted your stories. And now you give your body what it needs to return to calm. So that way you can get back out there and do the rest of this process, which is validating them and collaborating them, which we'll talk about next week. Equilibrium just means you're no longer spinning in this activation. You've landed back in yourself. And we do that by showing ourselves how loved we are, how valued we are. These are these I am statements that I love doing with my clients in our speak on as membership, where we do a process called somatic affirmations. And that's all this is, is where we say, I am. I am loved, I am enough. I am important. I am a success. I am a badass. I am divine. When we can start not only saying those I am statements, but finding the evidence behind them, and we do that by equilibrating our stories, everything starts to change. So here's your challenge this week. Before you walk into any social situation for the holidays, maybe it's a family dinner or a work gathering or even a tough conversation with your husband or your boyfriend or your partner, I want you to set the intention to raise instead of react. You can even write the acronym down on a sticky note or put it as the wallpaper on your phone. R-A-I-S-E. Remove, anchor, inquire, stories, equilibrate. Try it once this week when you feel your body getting activated. In fact, the more that you practice this, the better. Try practicing it when you're not even that triggered because you're going to be able to do this better. Just try it right now. Get off of this podcast when we're done here and just try it. Remove yourself, anchor yourself, inquire, check your stories, and then equilibrate them. Even if you only remember one step, that's a win. Because regulation is never about perfection. It's just about awareness. All right, ladies, that's part one of our holiday series. So next week we are gonna dive into the next step of our three-part communication process, which is regulation, validation, collaboration. Today was all about regulation. Next week, we are gonna talk about validation and collaboration, how to communicate through conflict without losing connection. And if you love this episode, I would love for you to share it with a friend who's already dreading that family conversation. And if you want to practice raise with real support and coaching, come join us inside of the Speak Honest membership. It's a small, close-knit group of women learning how to regulate, set boundaries, and speak honestly together. So I want to remind you again, take a breath, you've got this. And remember, raise before you react. I'll speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.