89. From Dancing on the TEDx Stage to a Bestseller: The Story of Dance of Attachment

What if your pain became your purpose?
In this episode, I’m sharing the behind-the-scenes story of how Dance of Attachment came to life. From standing on the TEDx stage in 2024, heart pounding as I told the truth about love, to watching that same message turn into a #1 bestselling book, this is the journey that changed everything. I talk about the heartbreak that sparked it all, the healing that followed, and how this book became a love letter to every woman who has ever felt too much, not enough, or stuck in the same painful patterns.

You might want to listen if:

• You’ve ever wondered why love feels so hard, even when you’re doing the work.
• You keep attracting the same dynamics and want to finally break the pattern.
• You’ve struggled to feel safe, seen, or secure in relationships.
• You want to understand what your Adapted Attachment Stance really means.
• You’re ready for a reminder that your story isn’t over. You can turn your pain into your purpose.

FIND OUT MORE!

• Grab Your Copy of the #1 Best Selling Book --> Dance of Attachment
• Apply for FREE Podcast Coaching with Jenn
• Join our FREE Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
• Become a Speak Honest Member and access all you need to become secure.
• Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
• Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
• Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from ...

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome & Mission
• 0:42 Book Launch Announcement
• 3:30 Origin Story: The TEDx Spark
• 6:36 Why This Book Exists
• 8:43 Attachment Styles as Dances
• 11:12 The D.A.N.C.E. Healing Method
• 14:10 Bridging Insight to Embodiment

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:05

Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach, and today I have an incredibly exciting announcement to make. Drum roll if you can. My book, Dance of Attachment: Why Smart Women Do Dumb Shit in Relationships and How to Break the Pattern, is officially out in the world. Oh my goodness, I can't even describe how surreal it feels to say that out loud. This book has lived inside of me for years. Through the heartbreaks and the healing and the messy drafts and the late night editing sessions and way too many cups of coffee and probably one too many white claws as well. We officially launched on October 8th, and it has been the wildest, most emotional week of my life. For everyone who joined in on the pre-sale, shared a post, bought a copy, helped push us to number one bestseller. I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much. You helped me take something that started as a dream in my Google Docs and turned it into a real tangible book that is now in people's hands all over the world. Dance of Attachment isn't just another relationship book. It's everything I wish I had known when I was trying to make love work by overfunctioning, overthinking, and overgiving. And in these pages, I talk about how attachment patterns are really just the ways we learn to dance in relationships. Some of us salsa with uncertainty, while some of us tango solo because it feels safer that way. And some of us, you know, we swing back and forth between closeness and distance. But here's the truth you can learn a new dance. You can become secure. Not by being perfect, but by understanding the moves you've been repeating and learning how to lead yourself differently. That's what this book, Dance of Attachment, is all about. It's not a fix yourself manual because you're not broken. It's an invitation to come home to yourself, to your body, to your needs and to your truth. So before we dive into today's episode, I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for being part of this journey, for believing in this message, and for showing up for yourself every time you listen, reflect, or do the hard emotional work that healing asks of us. Now, if you haven't grabbed your copy yet, you can head to danceofattachment.com or you can click on the link in the show notes to order your copy. I truly can't wait for you to read it, to highlight it, to cry and maybe leave some teardrops on a few pages and see yourself in its stories. So let's all take a big deep breath, grab your favorite cup of tea or your favorite cozy drink, and let's celebrate this beautiful new chapter together. Now let's dive into the episode. When I think about where this book really began, my mind always goes back to February in 2024, standing on that bright red circle, giving my very first TEDx talk. I can still feel my heart pounding that morning. I remember thinking, what am I even doing here? I wasn't some polished academic ready to deliver data points. I was a relationship coach with a story. A story about heartbreak and healing and how I finally stopped trying to earn love. And then that talk, which was titled, Do attachment styles determine the dance of our relationships? That was the moment everything changed for me. For the first time, I said out loud what I had been quietly discovering for years. That love isn't a mystery we solve in our heads. It's a rhythm we learn to feel in our bodies. I compared the four attachment styles to dances because that's what I typically did with my clients at the time. The smooth waltz, the solsa of uncertainty, solo tango and the pendulum swing dance, and as I looked out into the crowd, I could see people nodding along and finally understanding their own choreography and love. It was like something was finally starting to click with other people. Back then I only had a handful of clients, and now there's so many more that I've been talking to, hundreds of women that I help every day, and it's overwhelming to think it all started from that one day. That day, I knew this message wasn't just mine. It belonged to every woman who had ever loved too much, given too much of herself, or lost herself trying to be enough. And after that talk went live and started spreading online, I think there was like 20,000 some views in the in the first couple of months. My inbox filled with messages from women saying things like, Jen, I see myself in your story. Oh my god, thank you for telling me that. And now I know I'm not crazy. Oh, wait, that's why I was doing that? Wait, that's why he was doing that? I need to learn more. And that's when I realized this couldn't just stay a talk. It needed to become something bigger, something women could hold in their hands, underline, highlight, cry on, and grow through. So I started writing. And let me tell you, writing this book stretched me in every way possible. There were nights I stared at the screen wondering, who the hell was I to even tell this story? Then I'd remember that red dot and the women who saw themselves in my words, and my clients and the ladies in my program and it gave me permission to be seen. And I wanted this book to give them permission to heal. Dance of attachment became more than a book. It became a bridge. From the stage to your heart, from theory to lived experience, from performing love to embodying it. And when I look back, I realize the TEDx talk was never the end goal. It was the spark. It turned my pain into purpose and it gave me the courage to write the book that I wish I had had years ago when I was heartbroken and felt like I was alone. So let's talk about what Dance of Attachment is actually about. Because for those of you that are new here, you might be like, what is she even on about? But when I started writing this book, I didn't want it to just be another relationship self-help guide full of surface level advice like love yourself first or just communicate better, right? I wanted it to be something real, something that met women where they actually are, in the messy middle of heartbreak. Most of us were never taught how to love in a way that feels safe. We learned a rhythm from the people who raised us, from our culture, from the stories that told us love means proving your worth, fixing someone else, or pretending you're fine when you're not. The book helps you recognize your unique adapted attachment stance, the dance you've been doing in love, and then gently guides you to learning a new one. I use dance metaphors throughout the book because healing doesn't happen in our heads. It happens in our bodies, and it happens when we learn to move differently. So I talk about the four adapted attachment stances, which essentially are just attachment styles in the book, and we talk about secure attachment, which is the smooth waltz, a steady, connected, and calm type of love. We also dive into the three non-secure attachment stances. Those are anxious attachment, or as I call it the salsa of uncertainty. It's fast fiery, and you're always preoccupied with what your partner is doing. And then we have avoidant attachment, and that's the solo tenko. It's beautiful, but it's distant, and it's scared, and it's afraid to lose control. And then we have disorganized attachment, the pendulum swing dance. This is an unpredictable rhythm torn between wanting love and fearing it. You're literally swinging between anxious and avoidant at all times. And each one has its own unique rhythm, its own beauty, its own challenges. But instead of pathologizing them, I wanted to help women understand them. To see these dances are just the survival strategies we learned when we didn't feel safe in love. And this book is divided into two parts. So the first half explains these adapted attachment stances, how they develop, how they show up in your adult relationships, and how you can start recognizing your own. But the second half is the fun part, and this is where I teach you how to heal using my dance method. Literally, dance, D-A-N-C-E. Discover, alleviate, nurture, communicate, and embody. And no, this isn't about becoming perfect. It's about learning how to move with more awareness and compassion for yourself. It's about noticing when you start to spiral, when you pull away, or when you're trying to perform for love. And then choosing a different step. Because what makes Dance of Attachment different is that it blends science with your soul. You find real psychological research next to personal stories, somatic exercises, and even journal prompts designed to help you process what you're feeling. In fact, one of my favorite things about this book is the free workbook that comes along with it. It's my free gift to you. Because I don't want you to just read about the work. I want you to do the work. Okay? I want you to do what it takes to heal. Because healing isn't about memorizing facts. It's about experiencing safety in your body one step at a time. There are a lot of books out there about attachment. And honestly, some of them are amazing. I I have a lot of them on my shelf right now. But most of them stop at the why, and they tell you why you are the way you are, why you attract certain partners, why you overthink or shut down. But they don't actually teach you how to change it. And that's where dance of attachment stands apart. It's not just about explaining your patterns, it's about giving you a way out of them. When I was writing, I kept thinking about how confusing healing actually feels. You know that moment when you're aware of your triggers, but you can't actually stop reacting? That space where you're trying to show up differently, but you keep falling into old rhythms? That's where most women get stuck. And that's exactly where this book meets you. It bridges the gap between understanding and embodiment, between the theory and the lived experience. Because true healing isn't about doing more, it's about feeling more. And that's why this book isn't just filled with information. It's filled with experiences, with stories where you'll be able to see yourself in all of my clients' situations and in my situations. You'll find somatic prompts and reflection questions and gentle practices to bring the science of attachment down into your nervous system. I wanted it to feel like you're sitting across from me with a cup of coffee, talking about real things, we're cozied up with our blankets. You know, maybe you're heartbroken, maybe you can't set your boundaries or you don't know how to hold to them. Maybe your patterns just keep getting in the way. But after our talk, you'd be walking away not just with insight, but with tools you can actually use. And the other thing that makes dance of attachment different is that it's deeply personal. Every chapter carries pieces of my own story and stories from my clients, real, raw, sometimes funny, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes painful moments that remind you healing doesn't happen in a straight line. It's nonlinear. It's human because we're human. It's not a book that asks you to be perfect. It's one that invites you to be honest, to notice what hurts without judging it, to hold yourself with compassion when you want to shut down. And to find safety again. Not because someone else finally gave it to you, but because you learned to give it to yourself. And that to me is what makes this book so different. It's not just my voice, it's every woman's voice, every story that's ever been told in my coaching sessions, every tear that has been cried, every oh shit moment when somebody realizes, wait, this is me. And this book holds all of that, woven together to remind you that healing isn't an endpoint. It's a dance. Writing Dance of Attachment has been one of the most vulnerable, beautiful, and humbling experiences of my life. There were moments I laughed, moments I cried, moments I honestly didn't know if I could finish it. But I kept thinking about the women who would one day hold this book in their hands. Women like you, who are tired of trying to figure out love and ready to feel safe in it. I wrote this book for every woman who's ever texted too much, loved too hard, or lost herself when she was trying to be chosen. For the ones who have said, I know better, Jen, but I still can't stop. For the ones who have worked so hard on themselves but still find love confusing, you are who I wrote this for. And this isn't just a book launch. It's a celebration of everything that got us here. Every tear, every aha moment, every brave conversation that helped you start showing up differently in love. Dance of attachment is our story. It is the story of women learning that we do not have to keep doing stupid shit for love anymore, ladies. We can break the pattern. So I just want you to know again how deeply grateful I am for this community, for those of you who have listened to the podcast week after week, those of you who have joined the Speak On Us membership program, shared your breakthroughs, sent me messages, and made me cry in the best way possible. You are the reason this book exists, and you are the reason this book is a number one bestseller. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I truly mean it. And listen, again, if you haven't grabbed your copy yet, there is still time. You can head over to danceofattachment.com or just click on the link in the show notes to order your copy today. It's available right now on Amazon. It should be available in Barnes and Noble soon and anywhere else you can grab a book. And if you want it in your local bookstore, you just call them up and tell them, hey, can you please stock Dance of Attachment? I would love to get it. Before we close out, I want to leave you with this. Healing doesn't mean you never struggle again. It means you start to see the pattern before it takes over. It means you can soothe yourself when things feel hard. It means you finally stop fighting for love and you start dancing with it. Thank you for being here. Thank you for dancing this journey with me. I can't wait to hear what Dance of Attachment brings up for you. The insights, the tears, the laughter, and the freedom that comes when you realize you are never broken. You just need to break the patterns. All right, my friends, I love you all so much. Be sure to grab your copy of Dance of Attachment, and I will speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.