Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma

85. What Secure Attachment Really Feels Like (It’s Not What You Think)

• Jennifer Noble, ACC | Certified Relationship, Dating, NLP, & IAT Coach

Share episode

 

Think secure attachment means you're calm, confident, and unbothered all the time? Think again. In this powerful coaching call, I sit down with Steph (one of our Relationship Reboot members) to unpack one of the most misunderstood parts of the healing journey: what secure attachment actually feels like. Spoiler alert: it’s not always comfortable. In fact, sometimes it means saying no when you want to say yes, letting go of that savior complex at work, and learning to sit with your own limitations without spiraling into shame.

We dig into how to stop taking on everyone else's stress, why perfectionism keeps you stuck, and what it really looks like to choose yourself. One small boundary at a time.

You might want to listen if:

  • You say no... and instantly want to take it back
  • You're tired of managing everyone else's emotions just to feel safe
  • You keep trying to “fix” people at work (and it’s not working)
  • You feel guilty when you can't finish everything on your to-do list
  • You're still confused about what secure attachment is supposed to feel like


 

FIND OUT MORE!


DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from ...

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.

Speaker 1:

Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach, and on today's episode you are getting a front row seat to a real life coaching call with Steph. She has been doing the work inside the Relationship Reboot program for about five months now, but she had a really important question and I thought this would be a great opportunity to bring her onto the podcast and ask this question. She really wanted to know what does secure attachment look like, or what does secure attachment feel like, and, as you're going to hear in our conversation, those two things very different. What does it look like and what does it feel like? Two very different things. But before we get started, I want to remind you that my new book, Dance of Attachment, is coming out soon, and if you are interested in learning more or being in behind the scenes or being a part of the launch squad, then I want you to come and join the dance circle. That is where we are hanging out, we are getting together, we are going to support this book, Dance of Attachment. You can go to danceofattachmentcom to sign up to be a part of the dance circle. I would love to have you Listen. If you've been listening to Speak Honest for a while and you've thought, oh, you Listen. If you've been listening to Speak Honest for a while and you've thought, oh, how could I support Jen and all that she's doing, but you aren't able to join the program and you haven't done any coaching yet. This is a time where you can really support Speak Honest and all that it is that we're doing here. Come and join the dance circle, Be a part of the early launch crew. You're going to get sneak peeks, You're going to help me choose the book cover, help me write advanced reviews and just help me get the word out there. Oh, it would just mean so much. This is my baby. I'm so proud of this book, Dance of Attachment. I can't wait to get it out into all of your hands. So please join us at danceofattachmentcom and come join the dance circle.

Speaker 1:

But as you're listening to my conversation with Steph, I want you to think about this what does secure attachment actually feel like, Not just in theory. What does secure attachment actually feel like? Not just in theory, not in some perfect trigger-free state, but in your body, in real time, Maybe at work, in your relationships, when you're saying no, trying to set those boundaries, trying not to fix someone else's stress, to feel okay yourself? You're going to hear more about that later and I want you to see. Do you nod along with what you hear Steph is saying? Because we are diving into how to stop being the savior, how to honor your limits and how to stop dragging a caterpillar trail full of unfinished to-dos behind you. And if that doesn't make any sense yet, it's because you need to listen to the coaching call. So I hope you enjoy my conversation with Steph. Hi, Steph, I'm so glad that you are on the show. How can I help?

Speaker 2:

Well, in the Relationship Reboot program which I'm participating in. I've been in for about five months now and that's right yeah.

Speaker 2:

The goal is to work towards secure attachment over time. I think that I have, and probably a lot of us have, this perception that people who are securely attached, or when we eventually achieve secure attachment in some or all areas of our life, then it's gonna feel we're gonna feel good all the time. Yes, I wanted to ask you my main question for you today is what does secure attachment feel like in terms of emotions and what we're saying to ourselves inside, and also what does it look like in terms of actions and behavior? And so I thought maybe we could go through just a few different scenarios from my life and just kind of talk through what a securely attached person could be feeling inside and what a secure response might look like on the outside. I love that.

Speaker 1:

So, if I'm hearing you correctly, it's really kind of a interest and curiosity of like what does secure attachment actually feel like? Like what is it supposed to look like inside?

Speaker 2:

Yes, because I think I have this misconception that when I'm, as I'm working towards, securely attached, then I will be more and more confident, which I hope does happen. But yes, I think I have this false idea that I'll just feel good about myself all the time and I'll be able to let everything roll off my back and nothing will ever bother me.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I'm so glad you're bringing this up because this is probably one of the most common misconceptions that I mean I had myself and I have for other people I mean hearing from other clients. So I love this so much. Do you want to jump in with a scenario or do you want me to talk on it?

Speaker 2:

first at all, I think it would be most helpful for me to hear specific examples, and then that would help me talk through some scenarios that I've been wanting Would you like me to speak through some examples that I know of other clients and myself, or speak through an example of something you've been through Well? I brought some examples with me, but if you have specific examples you're thinking of, I think that would be helpful too. Yeah, so let me think so.

Speaker 1:

First and foremost, absolutely secure attachment is about securely attaching to the people within your life, not about never feeling bad again. So I love this so much because the point here is to really dictate that secure attachment is about accepting the negative parts in our life along with the positive, and two things that I see happen often with secure attachment is people will often feel like, oh, I'm angry at this person, thus I'm not securely reacting, or I have to set a boundary and I have to say no around this person, which, as I say, that sounds silly, but it is what happens deep down, and I'll explain myself in one second. It was something that happened personally in my life that might help showcase this, but the act of having to say that isn't in isn't a non-secure attachment stance. Basically, it is through that act that we become more secure. On the other end, the other misconception oftentimes with secure attachment is that we are just going to love everybody or be happy all the time or do all of this kind of stuff right. So, with that said, what secure attachment might actually look like is having to let go of relationships that aren't serving us anymore and that could be really difficult and hard.

Speaker 1:

So, for example, I am in an organization where I really want to be a part of it. I want to like volunteer for it. I want to do all this stuff, but they keep asking a lot from me. I want to like volunteer for it, I want to do all this stuff, but they keep asking a lot from me, and the hard part of that is I need to keep saying no to them. Now, a part of my non-secure attachment stance that disorganized attachment that still pops up every once in a while and part of secure attachment is owning and honoring. That, weirdly enough, is I hate saying no to people and I never realized this so much, but it is weighing me down, steph, I'm not kidding you. It's just like hey, can you do this? No, hey, can you do this? No. And you think like I'm great at saying no, this is no problem. And I realized, oh, this is like weighing on me. So I had to really do some work behind that. I had to figure out, okay, what is happening here. So here's how this could have gone down. I just stopped working for them. That's avoidant, that is. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I don't like being the bad guy, so I'm just going to say sorry, I can't work for you anymore. That would be avoidant behavior. I'm very used to that. That's how I used to always be.

Speaker 1:

The anxious side is I have to do everything. It is that they're asking of me in order to be perceived as loved and good and honorable at this organization. The secure thing for me was learning how to communicate more in a way where I could just say no, but then on the internal side, needing to be okay with what that felt like in my body. Is that making sense? I think so. Okay, and it's okay if you say no right. That's secure to tell me no right, but that's what it's going to start looking like. So I'm uncomfortable and I actually still genuinely don't know if I'm going to continue on with them, and that's what secure attachment is.

Speaker 1:

Secure attachment is about looking at this from all angles, understanding what's in most alignment with who I want to be and what I want to do, moving forward and then asking myself is that what I need and want right now? That, to me, right, there is secure attachment, but with that comes difficult people, difficult things, difficult situations, difficult conversations, and that's probably the part that, in fairness, I hate most about being securely attached is I actually seem to put myself in more annoying and difficult situations now as a securely attached person than I ever did, because I was great at avoiding, let me tell you. But I'm leveling up in life because of that. So that's the difference. Now it's like oh, I can actually meet more people, I can network more, I can make more friends. I'm not afraid anymore of what's going to happen because I know in the moment I can show up for myself. That's secure attachment. So talk me through what you heard there and any questions.

Speaker 2:

Well, I can really relate to the saying no and then feeling really uncomfortable about it because I'm moving towards that right now. I'm starting to say no more and then I immediately want to take it back, or I try to do something to make up for the no, like I offer to do something else.

Speaker 1:

Such a good realization. Right there. It's like I said no, but I'll go do like 30 other things to make up for it. Right, that's where we think we're good at saying no, but we're not yet. Beautiful, beautiful.

Speaker 2:

Right, or it feels so uncomfortable and I have to spend the next few hours trying to convince myself not to take it back.

Speaker 1:

Yep, yep. All of that Part of it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and the first example I actually had was a work example where there's a lot of shifting priorities at work and so I'm working on one project and then a new project might come in that I have to shift to, or a couple of new projects might come in and we have to decide whether to say no or not, and both my coworker and I we've been really stressed at work recently, but we handle the stress very differently, and so what I find myself doing is trying to be a savior towards her, like trying to manage her stress and help her be less stressed out, but that's, of course, not working, and so what I need to do is just let that go and manage my own stress and say no to what I can't handle, instead of trying to convince her to say no to what we can't handle as a team.

Speaker 2:

Beautiful Can we stop down there, yes, please, because I'm not actually there yet.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so right, there is a really beautiful, though, example of anxious attachment at the workplace. It is exactly what you said. I'm trying to like, be her savior, I'm trying to manage her stress. That is, anxious attachment has a tendency to be a little bit enmeshed or codependent, right, we feel like we are responsible for other people. So in that moment that would be an anxiously attached thought process to say, oh, I need to manage her stress level and then, like you said, it doesn't work out very well, right, like, it makes you more stressed out. It's not helping.

Speaker 1:

And if anxious attachment here is needing to manage her stress, secure attachment here is asking is this an alignment with, like, who I want to be at work? Is this making me feel satisfied and fulfilled or is it causing me more stress? And this is why I say all the time in the program is the action that we do even now, as you're asking this question, like? What does secure attachment feel like? I really like how you said, feel like and not look like, because, to be clear, the actions that we do are neither secure nor insecure. It is the intent behind it. So, if you have plenty of spoons to give for the day and you want to manage her stress great. Does it make you feel good? Did you feel fulfilled at the end of the day for doing it? Then that would be a secure response. But if it's dragging you down, that's the feeling where it's not secure and it's not in alignment.

Speaker 2:

Is that tracking? As I say that, yes, that's interesting and I had asked what it looks like, but I had asked both questions. So what does it look like and what does it feel like?

Speaker 1:

So I think, oh, I must have just like bypassed the look. Then I only wrote down what it feels like so great.

Speaker 2:

I had a sense that it might be different. Those things might be different. Yes, but that's interesting that you say that the action itself is not actually the secure part. So one day I could try to take on some extra work, and the next day I could try to take on some extra work and the next day I could say no, and both those two things might be secure, that's it.

Speaker 1:

That's it You've got. That was your question. You're healed. This is great. No, but that's exactly it.

Speaker 1:

It depends on you in the moment, which is also why, like when you say, me and my coworker, we have different ways that we handle stress. Like, truly, you do, and this is why it helps to understand that who we are is who we are and who they are is who they are, because maybe she's fine. Like, some people vent a lot but, like truly, inside they're fine. They just like to externally vent, but inside they're fine, whereas other ones of us, when we're venting out loud, it's because we're a steamboat inside. So what do you think happens in that moment? When we see someone vent? We think, oh, they're pissed inside, they can't handle this. I need to help them. But really they're fine inside, feeling wise. They're like I'm good, I just like to vent. That's the difference of like, why we let other people kind of have their feelings as well and have their emotions and their reactions to whatever it is they need to do. It could be secure for them. That's a hard part for some people to understand.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I also see the consequences of my actions. If I say that I don't have time to do something, then my coworker will do it on top of everything else, and so then I start to feel bad. Yes, I added work and I see my co-worker is stressed and the additional workload that I could be helping with.

Speaker 1:

But you set the boundary not to do it and she did it instead. But and I know you'll know this answer in this scenario that's her choice, isn't it? Yeah, maybe she likes feeling a little bit stressed out. Maybe it fills up what we know about needs buckets now and all that stuff, so maybe it's filling up her contribution needs so much where you think she's stressed out, but internally she's like fulfilled. So we're going to let her. That's the power.

Speaker 1:

Secure attachment is really almost just detaching from the expectations and ideals of what we think other people should or shouldn't be doing around us, and it is just allowing people to live their best lives while we live our best lives. And the world has gotten in this weird kind of conundrum of like constantly almost policing each other. If that makes any sense, like well, you can't do that and you can't do that, and you can't say this and you can't say that, but it's still coming from a place of like that makes me uncomfortable, so you must stop. But secure attachment is saying I'm okay if I'm uncomfortable, I'll take care of it. I know who's in control. It's me. I control what I need to control and I'm okay if something's out of control because I trust I'll be able to take care of it later.

Speaker 2:

So I guess my question there is what, if I am pretty sure that the other person is not comfortable in living their best life? Great question. In this example, I see that she's stressed. I see that she's getting sick all the time. I see that she tells me that she's overwhelmed. So, even though I can't really know what's going on inside her head, there are a lot of signs that she is stressed, not living her best life.

Speaker 1:

And you might be right, and also that's on her to figure out. Now, if she comes to you and says, hey, steph, can you help me with this, you can help her, or you can say I can't, but I really don't want you doing it either. Hon, like, right, you could say that You'd be like I need to say no to this, but you have to promise me, if I say no, I need you to not do it either. Right, you can be playful with it, you can talk to her about it, but in the end it has to be her decision. That's part of secure attachment is just trusting in other people, because what is it that's causing you inside to feel like you need to fix her? Like what's going on in there for you?

Speaker 2:

Sometimes I feel like I can convince her, or sometimes I feel like maybe she just needs someone to tell her that it's okay that she can take a day off or take an ablution.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and how would that help her taking a day off or taking a vacation? How would that help you?

Speaker 2:

If she were less stressed, I think I would feel less stressed Bam.

Speaker 1:

Do you see what's happening there? Just to be very clear, I'm going to challenge us here, like, really call it what it is. I've worked with you long enough where I, you, know we're good here. Right, I could be really honest. Or defendancy, yes, and you wanting her to be less stressed has nothing to do with her. It's a selfish motive for you to feel less stressed, and I say selfish with love, please, but we need to be honest about this shit. Do you know what I mean? It's not all like sunshines and daisies where it's like, oh, I just really want to make sure they're better, like no, you don't. You want to be less stressed, so you need her to chill the fuck out, and that's okay. But do you see how? Again, that's an anxious attachment thought process of if I can control my external sources, then I am safe. Secure attachment states. I can control my internal forces to stay safe.

Speaker 2:

So when she gets stressed out, I get stressed out, yes, and my trying to help her be less stressed out in order to control my stress doesn't work.

Speaker 1:

Right, it doesn't work and also it's a disservice to her. Uh-huh Right, it's forcing her to feel something she's not ready to feel yet, just because you're uncomfortable I'm saying that in an honest way, I hope you know like no blame, no fault, anything, because what I want us to get clear on is where it's coming from. It's still just a way of trying to keep ourselves safe. Instead, what if we found a way for you to not be stressed out about her feelings, regardless of how she feels? That's secure attachment.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so the goal is to be able to see her be stressed out and not be stressed out myself.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that's the goal right there. That's secure attachment. You can see someone being stressed out, you can feel for them, you can be empathetic towards them, but you don't take it on. There's a big difference between being empathetic or a highly sensitive person and just being codependent. That is just enmeshment, that's codependency and it's built up from your childhood and your life and we know where all this comes from. But at the same time, it's still just there sometimes and so we have to work hard to be like. That is hers to handle and I trust her. She needs to go through her story. However it is, she needs to go and I am going to manage my stress level over here with my boundaries. Right In the program we talk a lot about time boundaries, mental boundaries, physical boundaries and emotional boundaries and all no time whatever.

Speaker 1:

But we talk about the different types of boundaries because the most important one that people really struggle with is that kind of mental, emotional boundary where we hold onto it. We're processing her stress for her, Whereas we need to let that go. That is secure attachment. It's also very difficult. Yes, that's where the wound work comes in, because I think there's a meaning there. Somewhere I do. I think there is an attachment wound that has attached to this belief that we need to stop her stress. So if we kept digging deeper, we'd find it. We heal that, we plug it up and then we're able to figure out what is it that we need. That's the work.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's probably one of the maybe I am. I have to be perfect.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I was thinking I wonder if it's like I am bad or something in terms of like, oh, if I don't do the work, then she has to do it. Then what if she comes to you one day and is like, Steph, you don't do anything around here? Then you might feel like, oh, I'm bad, yeah.

Speaker 2:

I am bad. I don't want to get in trouble.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, Do you ever have like I am lazy or I'm useless or anything like that? Pop up for you.

Speaker 2:

No, I don't have a lot of that. I have no agency, so maybe I feel like I always have to say yes because I don't feel like I have any agency.

Speaker 1:

Okay, yeah, it'd be interesting to see there could also just be a bodily function as well, of like, if she's stressed out, let's say this comes back from childhood. Again, no fault to your family, it's just life. But let's say, back in the day, when your family was stressed out, it affected you. They were either, you know, harsh to you or mean to you, maybe ignored you. So there's a part of your body, right, your neural pathways have fired and wired together in such a way that when someone else in your vicinity is stressed out, it's unsafe to you. So a nice, simple way to do this would be like she's stressed out and just like a constant kind of somatic repetition of saying I am safe in her stress. I'm safe in her stress. Right, it's like an affirmation, but we've talked about those, right, you need to find that evidence. I am safe in her stress.

Speaker 2:

What suggestions do you have for? So there have been many, many times in the past that new projects came in and I didn't say no, and so now we have this backlog and it's a literal backlog. We have the literal backlog of tons of projects that are half finished, we're just behind on or we just haven't worked on in a long time, that are just waiting to be worked on, and also kind of this emotional backlog of yeah, yeah, well, I can't, I don't, I don't know. Do I just go to work tomorrow and try to not be stressed anymore? Or how do you have recommendations for kind of cleaning up the backlog of the many times that I didn't set the boundary?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's just gonna. That's a really great question that I have to be honest, I don't know if I have a perfect answer for right now Not that I ever have a perfect answer, but you know what I mean. More so, what I would be interested in moving forward is checking in with how you feel like so what you didn't set the boundaries back then, but what is happening now and tomorrow that you can affect. That's what I would be interested in. Is that making sense when I say that, because I'll reword it if it's not.

Speaker 2:

I think so. So instead of trying to clear everything out, I just start now.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and you start observing and you're wondering what has held you back in the beginning from being able to do this in the first place, and you're going to just everything in life, and this is part of that secure attachment. Everything in life is an experiment, everything is just practice, and so you had a lot of practice and now you have a little bit more understanding, some more tools to have, and you're going to go back into work tomorrow and you're going to figure out okay, what is it that I actually want at this job? How do I want to feel? Is this how I want to feel? Understanding? How do I want to feel? How do I want my body to feel when I'm at work? That takes maybe one or two weeks to just observe.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I hate it. When my boss walks in, I get tense, I freak out, even opening up my email, because as soon as I do, or I hear that ping, my whole body somatically goes like all these, like little somatic things, and so we just work through them slowly but surely, and then we check in with ourselves what can I control here and what do I need? Moving forward and becoming earned secure. Right, it can take one to four years to become earned, secure. So you and I have worked together for what like five months, so we got a little bit of time left. You know, as you're still going, we're just getting started. That's the fun part about this, like, and that's also the hard part. There's so many people out there that'll say things like oh, you could become, you know, securely attached within 90 days or whatnot. But like, unfortunately, the research just shows it takes repetition, repetition. Like you're going to have to fuck up a whole ton, steph. I'm so sorry to have to break it to you, but part of that is also the secure attachment way of knowing like, okay, this is it.

Speaker 1:

Like another example from my life I got in a disagreement, if you will, with somebody recently and it was uncomfortable, af right, like it was. I can't remember the last time anyone has spoken to me this way To literally my body, my brain, my mouth just came out like why are you acting this way? It's like what I said to this person and probably not the best thing to have actually said. I think it made them a little bit more heated, shocker, but it was like a genuine response that came out of me in that moment, because I couldn't believe that they were just attacking me this way. I didn't ask for any of this feedback. I don't understand what's going on right now.

Speaker 1:

This is not where I was expecting this to go, and so was I perfect in that moment? No, was I triggered? Yes, did my lips start to shake? Absolutely, was I confused as hell? Yeah, did I get off of that call? And I was just like I need to go punch a wall. What is going on right now? Do you hear those feelings inside of me? That's real, that's secure. I'm listening to those feelings, I'm honoring them. I knew, because I've done all the work, I need to go spend 20 minutes walking outside processing this in my brain, not numbing it. What I wanted to do was go grab a white claw and go scroll TikTok, you know what I mean. And I was like hold up, I have different tools. Now I also wanted to like call up the rest of the people that know him and be like do you know what I mean? Like just completely gossip and vent.

Speaker 2:

I was like is that an alignment with who I want to be right now?

Speaker 1:

And I had to check in. No, that's not who I am. So I went on a walk, I processed and then when my husband came home, I vented like for like an hour to him and I was like that's all secure behavior, because I saw all my flaws in that conversation with him. I saw where I could have been a better communicator, but I was also really proud of myself for how I acted and where I stood my ground and the fact that I was even there and the feelings that I have inside of me taught me what I don't want from this person in the future. So that's where you see all of those big, big, big feelings happening.

Speaker 1:

But through it all, I learned how to have a difficult conversation with someone. I learned the ways in which I didn't do perfect, but I didn't shame myself for them, if I could say, if that's one thing, secure attachment is not shame. It is messing up and being proud of yourself in the mess, but that's it I like that it's just a powerful moment to like get to that place because it allows you to be better.

Speaker 1:

Truly, it allows me to be a better communicator, because I can look at that stuff and be like well, I definitely should not have done that, but like, still give myself like a high five for trying. Do you feel the energy coming off of me? It's still wild to me, like, honestly, I could even be like I can't believe I had that conversation with this person Like, and I'm still debating to this day right now Do I want to go back into that organization or not? Secure attachment means being okay, being confused. I don't have to make that decision yet. I have a couple more weeks still and I don't know if my body is calm enough yet to make that decision, so I'm going to wait. That's secure.

Speaker 1:

So when you go into work this week, start noticing what. Do you want things to be different? What triggers you? What doesn't trigger you? What could you need in these moments? What wounds could we work on first before you go and communicate? And what can you control? Because maybe you're like yes, I need my boss to stop being such an asshole, or something like that. I have no idea what your boss is like, but like also. That's probably not going to happen. You know like they are, who they are. So what can we do?

Speaker 2:

Well, I was thinking more about this backlog. I wonder if we could try to figure out what limited beliefs or wounds are behind the backlog, because I tend to do this, that any sort of idea that comes up, thought, project, thing I want to do, then I write it down and then I can't let it go. I feel like I have to do it.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so I want to work on letting go of some of these things, because I don't think we have to do all the projects that are in the backlog.

Speaker 1:

Okay, perfect, that's great. Because without being familiar with what the backlog is, I guess the best thing I could say is you got to go look at your priorities and I say keep the backlog if that feels right to you, but check in with your priorities. So when you say you kind of can't let go of it, do you know what's happening in your body or what meaning you're making it?

Speaker 2:

yet I think it goes back to the perfectionism of needing to finish everything okay and needing to follow through on everything. Maybe it's connected to if I don't finish every project, then I will have failed because I didn't follow through if I don't finish every project, then I would have failed.

Speaker 1:

Is that true? No, okay. So your work in this moment is a constant reminder of that. It's just, oh no, you didn't fail, sweetheart. You're trying your best. I'm proud of you for making a list, but we don't need to finish them right now. Right, it's talking to yourself in this like self-compassionate way to be like, because what's the alternative? You don't make lists, but then you don't have any goals or intentions either of what you want to work towards, right?

Speaker 2:

Right, and I've been trying to make less lists because this is what I like I make a list and then I relax.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and the interesting part is I never really wanted you to get rid of the list completely, because they do help you, guide you. But the resistance is happening is when you don't complete a list, you feel like a failure.

Speaker 2:

Right, and I also make unreasonable lists.

Speaker 1:

Don't complete a list you feel like a failure Right, and I also make unreasonable lists.

Speaker 2:

Fair.

Speaker 1:

Okay, yes, so if we have that right and again, but making an unreasonable list is not a problem if there's no failure feeling after not, you know, like I mean, you could have like a bucket list of what you want to do but, like you know, go to Tahiti or something, but if you don't do it, like most people don't care. So it's like, ah, so what's actually happening here? The resistance, the kind of non-secure thing happening is the shame that comes up when you don't complete something, or kind of having this weight on you of these lists. So what I might do is find a word or a phrase or some sort of feeling in your body, as we would do with somatic repetition, and figure out a way to start rewiring this so you are safe with your lists being incomplete. You and I could do some work on the side with this, but what this might look like is doing some sort of somatic experiencing. Let's say it's visual. Right now.

Speaker 1:

Something's coming up for me, but let's say it's visual, and what I picture right now is all of these lists, all of these tasks, like almost sitting on your shoulder, just constantly weighing you down. It's like you come up with a cool new idea, but unfortunately it just gets piled up, piled up, piled up, piled up. And in those moments, if you're feeling that big somatic maybe it's heaviness in your shoulder, it's like dropping in your stomach. Whatever it looks like for you, we would somatic through that, we would do a somatic processing where we would remove the weight off your shoulders and you would be rewiring your brain in that moment, your neural pathways, to showcase that you are safe to have your lists, that you're safe to have your fun ideas. Your ideas are amazing. I don't want to like get rid of that right. That seems like that's an alignment with who you are, these amazing fun ideas. What's not an alignment is the rumination that happens from not doing it. Is that resonating?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'm picturing. I got a somatic picture in my head which is each item on the list is like a block and all the blocks are tied together and they're dragging behind me like a long caterpillar behind me.

Speaker 1:

Yes, what can we do? Let's do it right now. What can we do with those blocks? Because they're they're beautiful and they're wonderful. We want to honor them, but it's hurting you right now. So we need to set a boundary with your subconscious mind, so somatically, visually, in your imagination. How can we release some of those blocks? Where can we put them so they're safe to come back to later?

Speaker 2:

I could cut the strings between them and pile them up along the wall.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, you could like make them. Do you want to like have like a nice little shelving unit so for your trinkets? Maybe there's like, yeah, maybe there's like little glass doors so they don't get dusty? You'll get back to them when you can. They're all beautiful, wonderful ideas. We don't need to hold onto them every second of the day. We can come back to them whenever we want. You have freedom to do that.

Speaker 1:

So when you're at work and it's coming up again because unfortunately this one conversation with me, as much as I would love to, is not going to heal your brain this is going to take at least 20 to 40 times. I know I'm sorry of doing this work, but picture this now. You know, maybe for just like the next month, we're coming up on August soon. So, like all of August looks like you having to take a moment to yourself when you start to feel the weight of those blocks hanging behind you. If you could take a minute out of your day, you could go to the bathroom, you could go for a walk, but instead of scrolling or like numbing in other ways, if you could take some time to just release those blocks and put them up on the shelf, what you've just taught your body is, you're safe, and that is just as powerful as any form of somatic repetition.

Speaker 1:

If you want to take it up the next level, do it at nighttime, when you're falling asleep at night, picture the blocks. Think about which blocks are on you from that day this one, this one, this one, this one, this one. Think about each one. If you want, give them each attention and say you are so special and precious to me. Thank you for this great idea. I'm going to put you up here in this really special place and that could just teach your body like. These are all important and special. Just if we let them all tie us down, we're never going to get anything done. That's the cost of that and that's why it's not in alignment with you. If you had all these really great ideas and they weren't holding you down, then great, but there's nothing wrong if it is. Does that kind of make sense?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I like it. I like the visualization.

Speaker 1:

That's one more thing. Secure attachment is honoring our own limitations. That's all this episode is going to be Me saying secure attachment is like a hundred times. But like is like a hundred times. But like it is honoring our limitations, not shaming them. Do I wish I was the type of person that could go to yoga five days a week and, you know, run a marathon and like, look like really cute while I'm jogging, you know, with my little Stanley, like I sometimes have that desire. Sure, like you know, I could tell it's my golden shadow, cause when I see other women doing it, I'm like I want to be like that and that's okay to have that as my goal and my intention. But secure attachment is honoring my limitations.

Speaker 1:

I have a lot of pain. My knee is killing me right now. I could look at that knee and be like you. Mother effer, how dare you hold me back from the woman I could be? Do you hear that energy that like that holds you down? That kind of energy does it just does Versus. Like you know what, nhi, you're doing the best you can. I'll take care of you today, we'll walk a little bit around the block and we'll see what we can do tomorrow. These are my limitations.

Speaker 2:

They are what they are. I think that will be really helpful when trying to remind myself that I need to rest also.

Speaker 1:

God, yeah, if I could just never sleep and just like robotically keep going, I could run the world. Why? Why must I rest to eat and sleep? This stupid body? Come on, I'm on a roll here. I know I feel that that kind of stuff right there is where it's at and it's actually surprising where you can go once you honor your limitations and how much more effort and abilities that you actually have. But again, to be clear, and I'll wrap us up here a little bit, but to be clear, we are not doing this stuff to stop being exhausted. I don't know if that makes sense. Let me try it again. The reason why here, if we are trying to rest and trying to love ourselves and do all this stuff in order for us to be better, then we're kind of just reinforcing the belief that we're not good enough. Still, do you hear that and I know that's like a really like wrapped around, whacked out thing to try to explain, but I usually explain it like this If you give your toddler attention with the mere intention of getting them to shut up, they're going to sense that.

Speaker 1:

They're going to know you don't really want to give them attention right now. They're going to know. You're just like quickly giving them some attention, then going back to your job. To truly give someone attention is to give them your attention. It's to stop what you're doing and love on your toddler, love on your baby or love on your partner, your family, whoever it is or yourself To love on you enough to give you that attention you needed, not to shut yourself up, not to fix yourself, because you're not broken. It's to truly love you.

Speaker 1:

But with that, when we do it, it does tend to work. It tends to ease things up, it tends to ease the pain, it tends to ease the frustration and the resentment and all of that stuff. It's just if we go into it with the intention of stopping it, it just doesn't seem to work. That's how I want to end us. So that's really, really clear. Do the work because you love yourself, not because you think you're broken. And then somehow you come out on the other side realizing like, oh, okay, here I am, I could have this, I could mess up and I'll be okay, all right, any last minute thoughts as we're wrapping up here.

Speaker 2:

The example with the toddler you gave. I had never thought of turning that back on myself. Yay, give it some attention, just to shut them up. If I give myself attention, I do that a lot with eating, like, oh, let me just put something in my stomach so that it stops being hungry. Yes, then I eat it so fast because I'm trying to get to the next thing, that I'm still hungry, because I don't digest anything and I feel sick.

Speaker 1:

Oh my God, that's the best. Yes, your own analogy is perfect. That's exactly it. Yeah, it's taking time. It's almost kind of like slowing down a little bit I think people tell you this a lot but like, if you can slow down, weirdly you speed up. It's like the more I'm slowing down, that's how I sense in myself.

Speaker 1:

I'm out of whack is I'm starting to feel burnt out and something doesn't feel right. And you know all these things are going on and I realized whoa and that comes with secure attachment knowing my body now, listening to my feelings, understanding what's going on, and not shoving food down my throat, which I definitely did, though, today. Just to be very clear, I was on our group chat earlier today shoving yogurt down my throat, as we're all talking like, because I had not a time to eat today. See, I'm not perfect and I check in with my body. I didn't like that. So next Tuesday I'm going to block time off of my schedule to eat before group. Do you see how I learned from that lesson? My schedule to eat before group. Do you see how I learned from that lesson? Didn't shame it, I learned from it. That is secure attachment, all right. Thank you so much for coming on today and for being vulnerable, and I will see you at our next group session. Is there anything else you want to say before we finish up? Just that.

Speaker 2:

I've been feeling so much better with working through the modules in the relationship reboot program. I was on the phone with my sister the other day and I tried to walk through the whole program with her to help her feel better about something.

Speaker 1:

Did it work? Or was she like what is this? Well, you know what? That's going to be good because when the book comes out, I think I'm able to actually condense it slightly. So I put the whole program in the book at the end and I cannot wait for you guys to read it, because this is what you can actually give to someone like your sister now and be like don't listen to me, just go read this. So, yeah, it's coming out a couple months. I'm so excited. But, yes, that is perfect. That is where it will work. Yeah, because there's a lot in there. So I'm so glad it's helping. You are such a delight to have in the program. Truly mean it. You work so hard to work on these parts of yourself and you can see you doing the work, coming in, putting in the homework, doing it all and I am so proud of you Well.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, Jen, and congratulations on the book.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much. All right, well, I will speak with you tomorrow or next time at During Group and I will talk to you later. All right, steph, thank you, bye, bye, all right, great, great coaching call with Steph. But, like, honestly, how many times did I actually say secure attachment is? If anyone wants to count those up and send it to me, that would be great. But truly, it was such a great conversation because it's a question that I get a lot.

Speaker 1:

You know, it's one thing to heal, but what does secure attachment actually feel like? That's the important part to be noticing, because secure attachment, it's not perfection, it's not constant calm, it's not turning into some boundary setting robot that never has feelings and lets everything wash over their shoulders. It's noticing your body, honoring your limits, saying no even when it makes you squirm. It's about learning how to let go of stress that doesn't belong to you. And if you're nodding along to the conversation I was having with steph and you're nodding along to the conversation I was having with Steph and you're nodding along right now to me, then I want you to know that you're not alone. This is what this work is all about, and if you want a more supportive system, then come and join us in our free Facebook community.

Speaker 1:

Speak honest, secure attachment and confident communication for women. We are over in there. We will keep this conversation going on in that Facebook group and I hope to see you there. I hope you all have a beautiful week. Speak with you next time. Take care, as we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.

Head Shot

Jennifer Noble

Host

Podcasts we love

Check out these other fine podcasts recommended by us, not an algorithm.

Curd is the Word Artwork

Curd is the Word

Brittany Bisset, The B's Cheese
We Can Do Hard Things Artwork

We Can Do Hard Things

Treat Media and Glennon Doyle
Financial Feminist Artwork

Financial Feminist

Her First $100K