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Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
81. Why He Never Listens (and What to Do About It) | Coaching Call with Christine
Do you ever feel like no matter how much you talk, he just doesn’t hear you?
In this episode of Speak Honest, I coach Christine through a struggle so many of us know too well: needing to feel heard in a relationship but ending up frustrated, blowing up, and then hating ourselves for it. Together, we unpack where those reactions really come from, why boundaries feel so hard to set in the moment, and how to start communicating in a way that actually works.
You might want to listen if:
- You feel like your partner tunes out or interrupts instead of really listening
- You find yourself going from zero to sixty when you don’t feel understood
- You’ve tried to set boundaries but they always come out reactive instead of proactive
- You hate the cycle of blowing up, apologizing, and then doubting yourself
- You want practical tools to feel heard without the constant fights
FIND OUT MORE!
- Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
- Join the DANCE CIRCLE - Get updates on Jenn's debut book "Dance of Attachment"
- Join our FREE Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
- Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
- Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
- Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
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- Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
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- Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!
DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach, and on today I have a client coming in to ask a couple questions about something that she has on her heart. But before we get started with that, I just want to remind you that if you are out there and you are looking to get some coaching, I would love to have you come on and be on the podcast, just like Christine is right now. You can go ahead and scroll on down to the show notes and you can click on the link that says apply for podcast coaching, or you can jump into the Facebook community and you can just let me know there.
Speaker 1:Jen, I have this thing. I really need some help with it. Do you think you could just walk me through it? You jump on the podcast with me, we walk through it, but not only do you get help with that, you also help all of the women that are listening right now. So, getting some help, some kind of understanding about yourself. As you're listening to Christine, then think about what you could be doing for other women as well. So if that's something you want to do, go ahead and just click on the link apply for the podcast. But for right now, let's go ahead and get on with the episode Now. Christine, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. How can I help?
Speaker 2:Thanks, thanks for having me, jen. I listen to your podcasts all the time and I think you're brilliant. Oh, thank you, son. Yes, I'm in a fairly new relationship and he is a very unique man and so much nicer than any of the men I've dated. I'm 66, so I've had a few men in my life and I want to make it work, but we're having troubles. It's about seven months now, so that's when the rose-colored glasses come off and we actually see each other, and I seem to have a problem that is exacerbated by the problem he has. So I need to be heard, and here's crap at communication.
Speaker 1:So he's quite happy to talk, but he struggles to listen. Is that what I heard you say? Yes, exactly, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he'll hear about the first two sentences and he's already formulated something in his brain to answer that. But that's just the introduction to the subject that I want to talk about. So he misses the whole subject and he's got this in his brain and he's hanging on to what he wants to say. And then he mentions the start of the conversation and I fly off the handle.
Speaker 1:Tell me more about that. So, first off, very, very normal, very common, especially for men, like you know, not to generalize, but absolutely to generalize. They have this way of wanting to fix things immediately. The thing that I'm interested in is I heard you say fly off the handle. So tell me more about that. What's going on inside of you?
Speaker 2:I get really frustrated and I find it really hard to regulate my emotions and deal with it in a way that I would like to deal with it. In the past I have I've not mentioned it at the time and then I've come back to it later. I've regulated first and come back to it later. But now it's happened so many times that it's like, oh, straight away, and then I'll get upset, I'll rant at him, I will cry, then I'll get off the phone and feel really bad that I've done that. I'll hate on myself and find reasons why he is such a good man because he is he really is such a good man and then I'll try and win him back again. He doesn't withdraw. He keeps saying I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 1:That's helpful to hear Good, we know what we're working with then on that end. So that's good, yeah, yeah, yeah. So if I say to you right now he's never going to change, this is who he is, he's going to jump in and say something before you're being hurt. What happens in your body when I say that?
Speaker 2:Well then, the relationship's not going to work.
Speaker 1:Ah, beautiful. Talk to me more about that. Why not? Because I need to be heard.
Speaker 2:I need him to know me, not. I feel like he's got an image of all women and he's not had a lot of long-term relationships. He will put his life on hold for his woman. He will do whatever he thinks his woman needs, but he doesn't listen to find out what his woman needs, right.
Speaker 1:He's not actually like truly, and when I hear you say be heard, I'm almost hearing you really say like be seen and be understood. Is that resonating as well? Yes, okay, yeah, and tell me a little bit. I want to kind of sidetrack just slightly. Tell me, in other areas of your life, maybe in the past, has this been a struggle for you often being understood, being seen, being heard. Is this a common pattern?
Speaker 2:I think it is. I've never reacted so badly to it, but I really do think it is. I have had reactions before and I've worked on them extensively over my life. My mum was the same, so it's a learned pattern as well as an issue that I have, but my reactions now are just way over the top.
Speaker 1:And that's the part that I'm interested in, because here's the thing Like, okay, I'll give you a little taste of my story, right, like my husband, when he comes home from work, he puts his shoes in the hallway and it's just like it's grating, christine, like it is just like, oh my God, just put your fucking shoes away. It's not that hard, right. But like I've known this man now for five years, this is what it's going to do. I've learned this is who he is. How can I work with him on this in order for us to still coexist, right To co-collaborate together? So the part that I'm interested in is the blow up on your end. That's usually an indication that we're triggered by some past events. Something's going on that has nothing to do with him. So even when I say he probably will do this forever, but how can we work with him instead of against him? Like how's that when I say that?
Speaker 2:Oh, jen, if you can help me to manage him. Oh, that just sounds beautiful. Yeah, because I really don't want to lose him. But if we can't make it work, it's like abuse on him. He's had abuse before. Make it work. It's like abuse on him. He's had abuse before, so I'm hoping he's not trauma bonded to me because he put up with it before for quite a long time verbal and it feels like I'm doing the same thing and that's the very last thing that I want to do.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think can we just speak on this real quick, because, as somebody that is incredibly feisty and loud and absolutely verbally abused my ex-husband at times, that doesn't make me like a bad person or an abuser, right, and you doing the same doesn't make you. Everyone is coming at all of their situations with their own lived experience. You're going from zero to 60 because a part of you remembers a past when you weren't being heard or understood, and it puts you in a place where you were unsafe. And all that's happening now is this man is re-triggering, it's reinforcing all of that in you, and so you're yelling at him in this way to get heard again. But we just have to ask ourselves is it working? Are you being heard by yelling? Usually the answer is no, but like right.
Speaker 2:He actually is doing some work, jen. Oh, I'm sure he is. Yeah, he actually is doing some work, jen. Oh, I'm sure he is. Yeah, he's finding information on communication. He has actually learned to do a little bit of active listening and I think he's working on curiosity.
Speaker 1:Oh, that is so. He sounds like a very special man.
Speaker 2:Like this makes me really yeah.
Speaker 1:He really is. So what I want us to do is I want us to kind of slow down and look at what can we control? And that's why I'm not saying he'll never change. I think people can change all the time.
Speaker 1:But, for example, in the situation with my husband and his shoes, he's like, listen, I've got like 40 years of my life, this is what I do. I come home, I put my shoes down and then, when him and I started having a conversation, we realized I leave my clothes in the bathroom when I shower, you know, and I leave boxes fully open. You know what I mean? Like out, like out in the backyard, and I never break them down. And he's like I do that stuff. I put your clothes away, I put, I break your boxes down. Do you see how I worked with him over something that was triggering me? Because the trigger was never about him. That's what I want us to get to see here Him not listening to you. That has nothing to do with him. We can work on him, don't worry. We absolutely can. But the big emotional reaction you're having it's about you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, I 100% agree, and that's why I need help. I've listened to your podcasts and I'm trying to work through it and, yeah, I need you.
Speaker 1:Perfect. So let's start with going back a little bit and really understanding what is happening Now. We might not know this today, right, we can keep working on this later, but for right now, if I can give you some tangible, actionable steps to take moving forward, it would be to start observing in your body what's happening when you're getting triggered.
Speaker 2:Oh, I can tell you that.
Speaker 1:Okay, great, talk me through it. What's going on in your body?
Speaker 2:My throat feels like someone's got their hands around it and my stomach cramps up, stunning.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, I'm going to ask you a really hard question and you do not have to answer this if you don't want to. Have you ever been in a situation where someone has had their hands around your throat? Yes, okay, can we spend some time with that, just for like a second? Yep, because your somatic experience is a remembered experience. Do you hear that? Yeah, so what do you think is going to happen in this moment? Again, it's not about him, it's your body's reliving.
Speaker 1:Honestly, I just I picked up on that because, well, back in the day, during the beginning of my healing, and I kept saying it felt like I was getting punched in the gut. I remember being asked have you been punched in the gut? And I was like yeah, and I was like, oh shit, this feeling I have of being unsafe isn't about that. And if we can get to a place where we can even explain that to him, we can get to a safe space where we can say, like, sweetheart, when I blow up, I'm working on it, but it's not about you. I'm working through something, I'm healing something in my body. Thank you for being a safe space for me and I will work on this. Just, I need to remove myself more often in these situations and I need this. Do you hear that communication?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how's this landing right now? What's going on in your body?
Speaker 2:I've got, yeah, a little bit of tightness in the throat and a little bit of tension in my stomach.
Speaker 1:You're just so brave and vulnerable to be bringing this up right now. I just want to really see you and really hear you in terms of what you have been through. Look how far you've come. Look at this beautiful man that you have. He's not actually doing this stuff to you. We know that, right, but our bodies it's like. It's that thing where it's like if my body could just stop thinking that it's getting chased by a lion, maybe I could live my life right, but our bodies are like in fight or flight.
Speaker 1:And so we're going to work on this with him, because that's what I'm saying. Like he's going to be very slow in terms of listening, but I still don't think it's about his inability to listen. I think he's just an old man. You know what I mean. Like he's set in his ways to some extent. He's trying really hard. He loves you, right? He adores you, he wants to work with you. He's doing all of this stuff. He's doing all of this stuff. So how can we get you to a place where you're communicating and now you get to playfully say, oh, you're not listening again? Like, oh wait, go back Right. Like I do this with my son. Sometimes we now have like these joking ways of being like oh no, I'm getting like really annoyed with you right now. Stop it, stop it now. And that prevents us from having a blow up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love it when I can do that and I can sometimes. Yeah, but what I try, Jen, is to not mention it at the time when I feel like my throat's choking and my stomach's cramped up. I try and just move the conversation on and then go back to it the next day. How is that working for you? Well, if there's not another trigger the next day, I'm great, but if there's another trigger, it's like fuck off. I don't even want to talk to you when I hang up on him.
Speaker 1:Okay, beautiful. So in that moment, that first time something's happening, how can we get Christine to speak up more? Because there's a little Christine somewhere inside of you that feels like, oh, I need to shut myself off, I need to shut myself up and I need to move on. Well, what I want to encourage us is, the more we speak up, the less we blow up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do know that. I've heard you say that and I know that I just feel like I need to settle down the reaction in my body before I can speak about it.
Speaker 1:And that's perfect. So there's this method that I use, called the RAISE method. Okay, of regulation, and the very first step, the very first thing we do, is remove ourselves. So you're not wrong in terms of that. You're not actually removing yourself is the problem. What actually is happening is you're pushing it down and then still moving forward, but what I'm asking is get off the phone. Then what I'm saying is like right, we have that, what we call proactive conversation with our partner, where we say, hey, babes, I'm trying out something new. You know, this is going to look a little bit weird and different in the beginning, but something that's really triggering me is when I'm telling a story and you jump into fixing or whatever it was you said that he was doing, and that seems to really trigger me. I know you're trying and I know I'm trying, but if that happens, I need to remove myself from the conversation. In that moment, two things are going to happen here. One you remove yourself. You set a boundary, yay, right, I'm good at boundaries.
Speaker 2:I really am good at boundaries.
Speaker 1:Can I tell you something, can I? Okay, I'm going to shift gears for one second and call us both out on this. I also used to think I was really good at boundaries, girl, and then I saw all the little ways where I still let stuff go go. I'm using quotation marks for anyone not being able to watch me right now. Right, like I'm good at boundaries, are you good at boundaries? Are you good at just avoiding shit? Right, like I say that with love to both of us, because if we were really good at boundaries, we'd be able to just say oh hey, I don't like it when you do that. Thanks.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Why does it have to sound so easy? I know like. What I learned is we're good at reactive boundaries, such as such a disorganized trait, by the way, such a love in my heart for it, if I'm being honest. It's this reactive boundary. We're very good at saying no, what's's a reactive?
Speaker 2:boundary? What do you mean?
Speaker 1:Great question. A reactive boundary is when we've gotten to a place where we've kind of gone zero to 60 and we're like fuck off, right. And we're just kind of like, okay, now I'm going to say no. So now it's like, hey, can you come and do this thing? No, but maybe it's more like like water, right. So if it's like me saying to you hey, can you just give me some of your? Do you have tea in your mug? I have a mug here as well. Right, can you just give me some of that tea in your mug, you know, and you're like, oh yeah, sure, because I wasn't really like asking. I was just like, hey, give me some of that tea in your mug.
Speaker 1:And you're like, well, all of a sudden now your body feels a little something, but you're still weren't, like you're not taking the time to listen to it. And you're like, yeah, okay, I guess I'll give her some more tea. She seems to really need it. Sure, and then it's like, hey, can I have more tea? But now you have no tea left, you have nothing left in your mug. And so now you say, see, I'm so good at boundaries, but setting proactive boundaries instead of reactive ones would have been. In. The first time I asked for tea and you're like oh actually, I'm sorry, I can't give any right now. I don't have any extra. I'm not sure where I'm going to get more tea from later. I don't know about you, but like, does that even elicit anything in your body, being able to say that the first? It's like we have to wait to like this. I was just figuring this out recently, christine. It's like we have to wait for it to be valid in order to say no. But what if we say no before then?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What if we just say no thanks.
Speaker 2:So I'm thinking, like Tom's an older man too, like me. Well, he's not as old as me, but he's that generation and he thinks that sexist jokes are okay. Well, he did, he knows not to. Now All women manipulate, type things. And I'm like where's the punchline there, tom? The punchline is the punch in the guts. For me there's not a funny joke there. It's not funny, but it's just a joke. No, it's not a joke. So I patrol that boundary easily and he's learned now no sex, no racist no homophobic jokes.
Speaker 1:I'm not gonna accept them into my world, which is really good. That's actually stunning, like great job.
Speaker 2:Brought up that way, and that's, you know, his generation. You know I've got a right to protect that boundary, whereas being listened to somewhere inside of me feels like, you know, you just got to suck it up, you just got to let him do what he does and not speak up. So I don't feel that that boundary is something that I can proactively react to. Yeah, yeah, to patrol that boundary.
Speaker 1:Exactly it's everything you just said. And being able to stand up for, like the racist and homophobic and misogynist jokes and all this stuff, you're also not only protecting yourself, you're protecting other people. So it's going to come from a place of like. I am in my right, like you said I am. This is a valid thing for me to set a boundary for. But all of a sudden, now it's for us and we're just like oh, I can deal with that one, I can deal with that one until you can't deal with it, and then you blow up.
Speaker 1:Do you see that? It's just, it's so common, like in my work and in everything that I've done, like the people who blow up first off, you're blowing up your anger. I think it's beautiful. I mean, it's telling us something. It's telling us what is important to you. It's the reason you know it drew you here to having this conversation with me, and it's showcasing to you what's important in your body Gorgeous.
Speaker 1:I love your anger. She's beautiful. I love her. I want to honor her. I just want to redirect her so we're not hurting anyone. Does that make sense? That'd be great. Yeah, and that's what I have to do with my anger.
Speaker 1:Sometimes she still likes to pop up and rear her ugly little head and I'm like, girl, calm down in there. I know it's feisty and when it comes to this, I want you to get to a place where, like, he's going to do something like that listening thing and you're going to be like, oh, hey, tom, oh, you're doing it again. I want to get to that place. So, as we are looking at that, is there anything that you could say in the moment where you could say to him, like have you guys been able to have this conversation well enough to where you both have like an inside word, an inside joke, an inside anything that says like, oh, I'm getting triggered again. Hold on, I'm not feeling heard right now. Can we try again? I do that a lot with my husband. I was like, can we try that again please? And he's like, oh, yeah, shit, hold on how does that sound?
Speaker 2:A few weeks ago, maybe more, we sort of had a plan where I would or he would say take 20 seconds and we would disconnect and the 20 seconds might be 20 seconds or it might be 20 minutes for me to deal with it and then come back and talk about it, but that sort of went out the window. I don't know why we stopped doing it very quickly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, either A we could try bringing it back up again. So here's the thing with relationships in life you are going to need to be so mindful every time. Right, it's like cycling uphill you guys are just going to get off course every once in a while. And life is just, and that's great. We should be able to be on autopilot every once in a while, we should put cruise control on our car and drive along, but every once in a while you're driving along on cruise control and someone in front of you taps on their brakes. You need to tap on your brake and you need to take back control of the car. That's all this is.
Speaker 1:When you find yourself getting heated again with him. You got to just course correct back to the 20 second thing and you'd be like, oh okay, I need a 20 second break. And then what I would want to do is I'd really want to work with you, the internal struggle coming up, because I think there's a big attachment wound around not being seen, heard or understood, and the work that I do. What we would do is we would take that attachment wound and we would start to rewire it in our minds over time. So when he says that when he does, however he acts, you're not triggered because you're not coming from a place of lack. Now, right, you know in your heart of hearts, he hears you, he sees you, he loves you, he understands you. You know, in all these other areas of your life you're heard, you're seen, you're understood, you're loved. You know all of this. So when he messes up, it's not about you, it's about him. So when he messes up and he tries to interrupt or he tries to go into fix it mode or anything like that, it's no different than him. You know, turning left when he was meant to turn right. You're not going to get angry at him and be like what were you thinking? You were supposed to turn left. You're such an idiot. You'd be like oops, hold on, we made the wrong turn. And that's how we come back in alignment with like who we actually really want to be. But that comes from an internal space.
Speaker 1:You might have heard me talk about this before, but it's the concept of like being an orange bush. So if I were to say to you, christine, you're an orange bush, what would you even think? You'd be like what I think? What the fuck? Right, exactly? You would literally if we're having a conversation or something like that, and I'd be like, oh yeah, you know like you look just like an orange bush to me. Blah, blah, blah. You, your whole, entire. You'd be like, well, that's weird. Do you see how? Your body wouldn't be like angry. But and I'm gonna say something just for the triggering aspect of this okay, if I said to you you're ugly, you look terrible. I can't believe you wore that today.
Speaker 2:You know what? That wouldn't trigger me. I don't care what people think.
Speaker 1:Oh okay, well good, you're making my point so beautifully. Actually, this is great, but give me something like what's something you're sensitive about, like your cooking, maybe, I don't know Do you know what? I mean, like, what is something you're kind of sensitive about? Don't tell me I don't want to like trigger you, but you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:like well, just not being heard.
Speaker 1:That's, that's yeah, that's the biggest one.
Speaker 1:Well, so like for me, and this took a really long time, but for me it was often like people would talk about my voice like oh, wow, she has such a good message, but her voice is so squeaky. Oh, she has such a good voice, but she talks too fast. Oh, she has such a good message, but she talks too fast. Oh, she has such a good message, but she's too all over the place. And this Christine would like destroy my soul, like it would hurt me. Like this was like, yeah, like four years ago it was like I could never become or do anything, like this is who I am. But here's why. Here's why this is the case Cause they were hitting me in a place that I already believed about myself, because you cannot hurt someone if they don't believe it.
Speaker 1:I can call you an orange bush all day, every day, and you know you're not. I could call you ugly, like we did, and you're like I don't give a fuck, jen, I don't think I'm fine. Like because you don't care. But all of a sudden now I don't understand you or hear you, because deep down somewhere in your body, you believe you don't deserve to be heard. There's something deeper there. I'm not sure if we're going to have time to figure out, like today. Right, we can keep talking later. But there's something even deeper. There's something heavy in there that says if I'm not heard, then what? Then I'm not loved, I'm not lovable, I'm unworthy, I'll never be loved. All that yeah.
Speaker 2:All I'll never be loved.
Speaker 1:All that, yeah, all of that, it's all. Yeah. That's that deep-seated belief of like, oh, I'm not worthy to be listened to. So if somebody doesn't listen to me, then they're just reinforcing that belief. So if somebody today still says something like in one of my YouTube comments or something it's like, oh, she needs to fucking slow down. There's still a part of my body that goes, oh God, that hurts. And then I have to release it.
Speaker 1:I do the work. I remember my voice is my voice. It resonates with some people. It doesn't resonate with others. It doesn't make me wrong or less than or unworthy just because my voice is different from other people. That's the work, right there. So when he starts to not listen to you, it becomes this instinctual thing where you're like hold up, I'm getting triggered. Let me observe that that's from an old wound of mine. I'm feeling that somatic feeling of that tightness in my throat and that heaviness in my chest. I know this isn't about him and I'm going to remind myself I deserve to be listened to, I deserve to be heard and he's trying his best and I appreciate that, but I need a moment. How does that feel? Like thinking you could do that in the future?
Speaker 2:It feels like it's a long way off, like it would be hard work.
Speaker 1:Yes, and it is, and that's why it's like in the future we would get to that place where you're just like okay, but get to that place where you're just like okay, but for right now there is something about him. It makes sense that's why we're probably in a relationship with him that he triggers you in those ways. So he's been brought into your life to help you heal this part of you. Are you ready to jump into that with him and heal it, because this is something about you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think if I can heal this and he's already doing the work to listen better, to understand me, to know me I think our relationship will be just amazing. Yeah, it's amazing. He's so worth doing work for.
Speaker 1:That's your evidence, I want you to remember he's worth doing the work for. So when he messes up because I'm telling you right now he will Like that's how this started, right, me just being like what if I tell you he never changes, I have to always start there, because I need to see how triggering this is to a person, right? And we heard that your answer was well then, this is never going to work. That's where I would just want to challenge that and say I think we could get this to work even if he doesn't change. Oh, they think he will.
Speaker 2:We could get this to work even if he doesn't change. Oh, they think he will.
Speaker 1:He's very slowly, but I need to work on me.
Speaker 2:And I'm at a loss as to where to go with this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we have a couple of things, so let me hear from you some of the ideas. So first we have the 22nd idea. Do we want to go back to that?
Speaker 2:I do think that helps me If I can regulate and calm myself down. We do have good talks about what happened.
Speaker 1:Yeah, beautiful. So let's implement that again. Let's try that. That's one thing. Two, I would also venture that try to find other people to tell stories to. Don't tell him everything. Does that make sense? Like he is not going to be that person for you, for everything. So find other people to go tell stories to that are great listeners, so you feel everything. So find other people to go tell stories to that are great listeners, so you feel heard, so he can do whatever it is that he does best for you, because I'm sure there's a ton of other things he does for you that your other friends can't do. I'm sure there's some specific things, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no one person can meet all your needs. I know that I've got a very big friend circle Gorgeous.
Speaker 1:Let's start, really, if you're in a conversation with him, this is such a great hack in life. If you're in the middle of a conversation with him with anyone, honestly, anyone listening, just like listen in, real quick. If you're in the middle of a conversation with someone and you start getting triggered, then that is not the person for you to finish that story with. I want you to hold onto it and then go find it somewhere else. So, for example, if I'm telling and then go find it somewhere else. So, for example, if I'm telling my husband some story about, like you know, some girlfriend drama that I'm dealing with, whatever, and his first reaction is like well, why do you let her bother you like this so much? That's not what I was looking for. I wanted to vent, I needed to bitch about it, right. I wanted to be like, I needed someone to be like girl, don't let her treat you that way, right, that's what I needed.
Speaker 1:And I realized that's not him. So when I said these words to him and he said well, why do you let her bother you so much? I was just like oh, there's a trigger. Okay, I'm not getting what I need. I'd say you know what? Yeah, thank you finish that conversation with him and then I go and I text my bestie and I'm like girl, I need to talk to you about something. Can you call me as soon as you can? Do? You see that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do. But the things that Tom and I are talking about sort of insights into who I am that's the bit that I want him to get, and you know he often treats me like I'm some other woman that he's been with. He denies it, but it doesn't feel like he knows who I am. He's just generalizing what women are like. It seems to be a whole bunch of things that he's had in the past and he brings it to our relationship.
Speaker 1:And that's the part where I would want us to get more clear. Well then, who are you and what do you want to show to him? Because, like you said, it's what you perceive he's doing, but it might just be the way that he's coming across, but he does see you, he knows you, he doesn't. That's what I want to challenge us on. Do you truly believe this man that you've been with for seven months doesn't know you? He doesn't?
Speaker 2:He really doesn't. He said on several occasions you know I'll say when are we going to catch up? Oh, I'm just giving you space and I'm like I don't need space, that's what you need. You need space and he does, but I don't.
Speaker 1:Okay, I don't need space. Gorgeous, gorgeous. Can I stop down on that with you real quick? Yeah, that is so classic. This is such a human perspective. We are so geared towards projecting onto other people what we think it is we need. There's a high chance he's like this forever. I mean, this is one of the most common things that I deal with with all of my clients, even women on the side. They'll be like I would need somebody to check in on me. I would need somebody to make sure I'm doing okay. And I was like okay, but did he ask for that?
Speaker 1:When we are in these attachment patterns, he just has a specific attachment pattern and he's trying to love you the best way that he knows how. It doesn't mean that he doesn't know you. It means that he has his own shit going on. So all we have to do is consistently remind him, not get angry when he doesn't do it, but we just remind him. Like 21 times he's like I was just giving you space because I thought that needed. So we do the steps in communication. First we regulate and we realize he was trying his best. Then we validate. We say thank you so much for loving me, for trying, but this is what I actually need when I'm feeling this way and then the next time when he messes it up again, you do it again, and again and again, and that teaches them how to treat us. Do you hear that?
Speaker 2:Gosh, that'll feel like I'm training a three-year-old.
Speaker 1:Now that we could get into in a different episode, because that is the type of resistance I need.
Speaker 1:No, but I hear you, I hear you, girl, like that's the thing, like, oh, we don't have time to get into that right now, but that resistance is what I want. That resistance is like well then, I just feel like I'm training a three-year-old. I would want to dive into that and be like okay, tell me why, telling someone what you need is treating someone like a three-year-old Where's that coming from? Oh, my God, that's. If it goes that way, yeah, that's the thing thing.
Speaker 1:People are just doing their best out there with what they have. Tom is doing his best and he really does truly care for you and, like you said, he's worth doing the work for. So I'm going to challenge that belief inside of us that we shouldn't have to put in that work, that we shouldn't have to remind him 20 million times like again, that's just life, that's relationships. They're going to keep doing that thing and you're going to be like, oh, come back with me, Course correct. And because, so long as we know he does see you, he does know you, he's doing the best that he can, but he has his own attachment wounding built up that he thinks this is the best way to do it. So you, just you treat him, teach him again, teach him again. I've been with my husband what five years now and there's still certain things where he'd be like oh, I thought you would really like this cherry chocolate ice cream. And I was like since when have I ever liked cherry?
Speaker 1:chocolate Yep that's the sort of thing that happens. That's because sometimes they're just in their head, but do you see the intent behind it? There's love. That's the difference. As we wrap up here, if there's one way to really know the difference is watch somebody's intent. Is he intent on hurting you? Is he intent on not listening to you? Is he intent on not growing and on staying still? Or, from what I'm hearing and now I only have a small picture, but from what I'm hearing he's very intent to try. His intent behind giving you space was out of love, right Out of thinking. That's what you needed. His intent is good-spirited. That's what we look for in a person, someone we can communicate with, someone we can do, and then, yeah, someone that we're going to set boundaries with. And again back to that thing where we think we're good at setting boundaries but we're actually not, because we have to set them proactively again and again and again and again, and that's exhausting and daunting, and I feel you, but that's what we're going to get you to, okay.
Speaker 2:It is exhausting and daunting, I know I totally, I do.
Speaker 1:I get it All right. And then the next step to this I would say let's talk outside of this episode, outside of the podcast, and let's talk about the program, cause I think coming into the 12-step program could be a really good deal. So that way you could like get your attachment style, your attachment wounding what you need, how to communicate it, your boundaries, and then putting it all together Like that's the steps, that's all you need in this, and then you would have it. So you and I'll talk afterwards, see how we could figure that out for you, but for right now we're going to do the 20 step thing, the 22nd thing, start there, and then we're going to just really start checking in with those belief systems inside of us, those attachment wounds.
Speaker 1:Remind yourself you are heard, you deserve to be heard, but like not deserve to be heard by like blowing up at someone else, like you already are heard. Hear yourself If he's misunderstanding you, okay, he doesn't need to understand you because you understand yourself. That's what we're going to get to, and the resistance behind that tells us even more. All right, hon, thank you, you're very welcome.
Speaker 2:Tell me a couple of things in your own words any takeaways or what you want to work on this week. After our conversation I will have to go back and think about a whole lot of things that have come up Boundaries. Obviously, I've got some work to do there because I'm not as good as I thought I was.
Speaker 1:You and me both, it's totally fine.
Speaker 2:I already know I'm not good at asking for my needs to be met, so I've got some work to do on that. I am very independent. That hasn't come up in the conversation, but yeah, it's like oh well, you know, I can just be on my own if it's not going to work. So yeah, it's up to me to make it work. I've got work to do to make it work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think being able to dig into that is going to be so helpful. Yeah, how are you feeling right now, as we're wrapping up?
Speaker 2:I feel good. I just I feel like I kind of knew a fair bit and now I'm realizing that I don't know much at all.
Speaker 1:Really yeah hey, that's a good thing. That means we have stuff to work on. Then yay, if you know, then you came in, it'd be like, oh shit, what do I do now?
Speaker 2:yeah yeah, no, it's good okay, good, all right.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you so much for coming on and for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I think a lot of women again I just really resonate a lot with your story as well and the ways in which you kind of go from zero to 60 with your anger and your emotions and just your passion, and I think just being able to harness that for good, to be able to be heard, is where it's at, because in the end, those of us that kind of blow up, it is it's just a wounding of not feeling heard and we want to be heard, so we blow up and it's where it comes from. So we're just going to kind of stop it in its tracks a little bit early and that's where it's going to go. We're going to look at getting you into the program so that way you can do the 12-step program with us and come join a community of women that will totally all know exactly where you're at with this. It'd be like, oh yeah, let me tell you about what my husband does, so that'll be really perfect, and then we're just going to keep, slowly but surely, kind of working through those things. All right, and thank you so, so much for coming on and for anyone else that is listening.
Speaker 1:I hope you took so much out of my conversation with Christine today. I hope you're really listening to your own story as you are hearing hers and thinking like, oh, where could I be better at setting boundaries, setting these proactive boundaries? Where am I letting things go, when actually maybe that's where I should have said no first and so just kind of think about those as you go on with your week today and again, if you're looking at getting coached on the podcast with me here, just like Christine did, you can scroll down to the show notes, click on the link to apply for podcasting or reach out to me in the Facebook group. Speak honest. It's got two little orange hearts. You'll find us over there and come in and keep the conversation going. Let Christine know. Hey, I've been through something similar, you know. Maybe we could connect and talk about it, because healing is done in community, it is done in co-collaboration and it's done in co-regulation and that's the best way, especially healing our attachment styles, that we can do that.
Speaker 1:So, again, thank you so much for coming on, christine, and I will speak with you later. Take care. Thank you, jen. As we wrap up today's conversation. Always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there, and please remember to rate, review and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.
