Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
Are you ready to heal your attachment style, master healthy communication, and create secure, fulfilling relationships? Subscribe now to uncover the secrets of secure attachment, navigate the challenges of trauma recovery, and improve your communication skills in love and life. In each episode of the Speak Honest podcast, we’ll dive into attachment styles, emotional healing, and proven strategies for deeper connection. It’s time to break free from the cycle of heartbreak and start building the relationships you deserve.
Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
80. From Reactive to Proactive: The Boundary-Setting Revolution
Why do boundaries always seem to come after the meltdown?
In this episode, we’re diving into what it really means to set boundaries before you're running on empty. We’ll explore the difference between reactive and proactive boundary-setting, how to recognize the early signs that you’re stretched too thin, and how to speak up without over-explaining or shutting people out. If you've ever felt like you're either saying yes to keep the peace or saying no in a panic, this episode is going to change the way you think about boundaries for good.
You might want to listen if:
- You say yes when you really mean no
- You shut down or lash out when you’re overwhelmed
- You feel like boundaries always create conflict
- You’re exhausted from managing everyone else’s emotions
- You want to speak your needs without guilt or fear
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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach, and on today's episode we are diving into one of the most misunderstood parts of boundary setting the difference between reactive boundaries and proactive boundaries. Now, before we get started, I just want to remind you. If you are someone that has been struggling with boundaries, then I highly invite you to come and join our free Facebook community. This is a great place to get started, honestly. It's a great place to practice boundaries, to figure out what it is that you need, what you want, how to communicate that. But the best part is we are just a community of like-minded women, all of us trying to heal our attachment styles, trying to have the relationships that we deserve, and I would love to see you there. I am the facilitator of the group, I am the relationship coach that is there, but the group is all yours. It is for the women who are looking for the support. So I want you to scroll on down to the show notes and click on the link to join the free Facebook community. Or, if you are on Facebook, you can just go to the search engine right there. Type in speak honest. It'll pop up. It'll say secure communication for women. It'll have two little orange hearts and we would love to see you there. But now, as you are listening to this episode, I just want you to think about do you think that you are good at boundaries? But maybe you might actually be schooled as to why you are not actually good at boundaries during this episode? I want you to keep an open mind as you are listening to today's episode episode. I want you to keep an open mind as you are listening to today's episode.
Speaker 1:Okay, so what is the difference between a reactive and a proactive boundary? What does that even mean? Well, you know those moments where you snap, or maybe you shut down or you walk away and you slam a door because it just all feels like too much. Maybe to you you're like yeah, jen, I do that and it's a good boundary. That's how I say no, but that is a reactive boundary and while it's totally human and sometimes necessary, it's also usually a last resort. So what if we could set boundaries before we reach that boiling point? What if we communicate what we need up front, without the guilt or the shame and without all of the second guessing? Doesn't that sound nice? Well, that's what I want to explore in today's episode what reactive boundaries sound like and why they show up, how proactive boundaries help us feel more empowered and less exhaustive, and how to actually shift from one to the other. So, whether you tend to avoid conflict until you blow up or you're constantly over explaining to keep the peace, this episode is going to help you find a more secure and sustainable way to protect your energy without losing your empathy. All right.
Speaker 1:So let's start with reactive boundaries. These are the boundaries we set when we've already had enough. They show up when we feel overwhelmed, shut down or pushed past our limits and instead of calmly communicating a need, we snap, we cancel plans last minute with no explanation, we blow up during a fight, we storm out of the room or go quiet for three days straight. It's like our nervous system is screaming no more, but the words we actually needed to say never got spoken. And here's the thing Reactive boundaries they aren't bad. Sometimes they're the only boundaries we feel safe enough to set, especially if you grew up walking on eggshells or believing that asking for what you needed was selfish or dramatic. But when reactive boundaries are your only boundaries, you end up living in a cycle of resentment, rupture and repair on repeat.
Speaker 1:So now let's talk about what the opposite is. A proactive boundary these are the boundaries we set before things hit the fan. They're not based on panic. They're based on clarity. They sound like hey, I'm not available for phone calls after eight, or I want to support you, but I need 10 minutes to regulate first, or maybe something like I love spending time together, but I also need some solo time to recharge. They're calm, they're kind and they actually prevent drama from escalating. And the biggest shift is that proactive boundaries come from knowing your worth grounded in yourself, from trusting that your needs are valid, even when no one's mad at you, even when things have gone wrong. It's choosing to speak up early, not because you're trying to control anyone, but because you're committed to staying connected to yourself.
Speaker 1:So I want to tell you a story about my life lately and I've been finding having to kind of level up in my boundaries, so to speak, and learning how to set those proactive boundaries before I even realize they needed to be set. So I have started some new adventure in my life and I realize they ask a lot of me and at first I thought, well, this is a lot, I can't be a part of this, I need to just quit. And to me that quitting would have been the big reactive boundary. But I stopped and I thought to myself do I want to quit what I'm doing? Do I want to quit this adventure? There's actually so much to it that I love, but what can I actually be doing in order to stay? And I started looking.
Speaker 1:I realized, oh, I need to just say no more often. That's the hard part. Every time they ask me hey, can you make this for us? Can you do this? It's like being a part of the PTO. You know, at your kid's school they will ask you until you are dry, like I want to be a part of the PTO, but at the same time, it's actually really daunting to say no every other second. Hey, can you make us some shirts, hey, can you donate some money, hey, can you come and be a part of this event, and it's just no, no, no, no. And that drains on me. So I started asking myself why? Why is that draining me? Is it that I'm still struggling to set boundaries? And that's why I wanted to bring up this conversation, because both in my life and in chatting with a client recently, we both were kind of realizing like, oh okay, this need to set boundaries comes from a big, reactive place, so I have to wait until I feel like it's valid or deserved to set this big blow up boundary, and then I'm good at setting boundaries, and then I'm good at setting boundaries, but instead I'm going to start setting small, intentional boundaries in order to actually be able to stay and not leave, not quit, not set that big, big boundary. Instead, stay and be a part of it.
Speaker 1:I like to think of boundaries as bridges, not walls. They are the ability for us to control who's coming in and out of our lives, but not actually keep them out forever, and that's why I want us to start learning this. So how do you actually start setting boundaries before you blow up? How do you set those proactive boundaries? And this is what I teach my clients.
Speaker 1:But it starts with getting honest with yourself. You got to be honest about what's really happening underneath the overwhelm, so, like for myself, what was going on? Well, I was afraid if I kept saying no, they were going to think I'm difficult, and anyone that knows my story knows that two of my biggest wounds are that I'm annoying and difficult. So here I am, so afraid that every time I say no, no, no, no, no, they're going to hate me, think I'm difficult, think I'm annoying. And I thought to myself wait, what does it matter? This is what it's about, right, this is where the work is, is where I have to work on those deep attachment wounds underneath this, because most of the time, a reactive boundary isn't just about the moment. It's about the buildup to that moment, the exhaustion, the tiny resentments, the hundred little things that you let slide because you didn't want to seem like a burden, or you were annoying, or you were too needy, or you were high maintenance. That's the important part.
Speaker 1:So let's go with step one here. Notice the moment. Your body says no, all right. I want you to notice it, notice the feeling, notice your somatics, notice the sensation in your stomach, maybe in your chest, and before you say yes out loud, your body, it already knows the truth. So when you feel that tightness in your chest, that is your little voice whispering. I don't know, don't want to do this, and I want you to listen to that. That's your first opportunity to set a boundary proactively.
Speaker 1:Next step two I want you to give yourself permission to pause. You don't have to respond in real time. I'm dead serious about this. You're allowed to say let me think about that and get back to you. Hey, can I check my calendar and let you know? Well, you know what. I need a minute to process this. Or, in my situation, let the text go unread for a day. If they text you at 8 pm, setting a boundary is not responding until the next morning. That's a beautiful proactive boundary. But if you give your time and your energy and all of your bandwidth to people, you're going to build that resentment. This is how you stop yourself from spiraling into a reactive boundary later. You create that space now.
Speaker 1:And then step three I want you to say what you need without like a three-page essay or over-explaining or justifying any of that. So many of us over-explain our boundaries because we're secretly, covertly trying to convince people that we're still good and kind and worthy. Please, please, don't think bad about me. I am not difficult and annoying, I swear. But that is actually going to blow up in our face eventually, so we don't need to prove our worth through an entire PowerPoint presentation. A clear, direct boundary is what we need, and it could just sound something like this hey, I care about you, but I'm not available for that right now. Or maybe it's hey, I really want to be a part of this, but I just can't say yes to that request. Maybe with your partner, it's I love you and I need the night to myself. Short, kind, clear and done.
Speaker 1:In my situation, when they were reaching out and asking for something, I set a boundary and I said no, I'm sorry, I can't do that. And then they came back with kind of a caveat to the boundary, so to speak, like oh, yeah, no problem, but we still need you to do this. And when I saw that, I was like oh, there goes my body again. It's building up the resentment. I just want to quit, I don't want to be a part of this. And I realized, oh, I just need to set another boundary. And I said, oh, I'm actually unavailable for that, but I trust that you guys will take care of it. See, this is how we set boundaries with people so we can stay, so I can still be a part of this event and this organization or the PTO or you know whatever group it is you're a part of, because group work is hard work, trust me. But when it comes to being able to say what you need without over explaining yourself, there's power in that. And lastly, I want you to expect discomfort. All right, like just right now. Let's just own the fact that this is going to be uncomfy. I don't want you to take it as a sign that you did anything wrong.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, when you set those proactive boundaries, your body, it just starts to freak out. There's a reason why we haven't been setting proactive boundaries this entire time and we wait for the reactive one, because we almost feel justified and valid after we set that big, massive one. These proactive boundaries are going to be a lot harder than you think. When I set my boundary, I felt guilty. You boundary, I felt guilty. You know, I felt shame. I felt like why can't I handle everything? Why can't I say yes, I'm letting them down? You might worry that they're upset. You might replay the conversation 17 times in your head. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It just means that your nervous system is adjusting to a new pattern, one where you get to speak up before you shut. It just means that your nervous system is adjusting to a new pattern, one where you get to speak up before you shut down.
Speaker 1:All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed this week's episode about boundaries. Let me know, in the comment section on the Facebook post about this episode, what you think about reactive versus proactive boundaries. Do you struggle to set proactive boundaries? Is this episode making you see oh wow, here it was. I thought I was doing so great at boundaries, but actually here's where I can be working on that.
Speaker 1:If that sounds like you, then come jump into the Facebook group and come keep the conversation going in there. Again. You can scroll on down to the show notes, join us there, or go into Facebook and type in Speak Honest. We are a free Facebook community, you know? Great little group of women, gosh, I love all of you guys so much. Honestly. I just I love that group. We're in there, we're cracking jokes, we're healing, we're having a good time.
Speaker 1:You guys are asking me questions. Your questions are amazing. Honestly, your questions just give me life and I just see the support all of you have in there. So come and join us over there, keep the conversation going and let me know what is it that you think is holding you back from being able to set those proactive boundaries? I want you to think about that this week. All right, everyone, I will speak with you next week. Take care, as we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there, and please remember to rate, review and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.
