Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
Are you ready to heal your attachment style, master healthy communication, and create secure, fulfilling relationships? Subscribe now to uncover the secrets of secure attachment, navigate the challenges of trauma recovery, and improve your communication skills in love and life. In each episode of the Speak Honest podcast, we’ll dive into attachment styles, emotional healing, and proven strategies for deeper connection. It’s time to break free from the cycle of heartbreak and start building the relationships you deserve.
Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
78. What Your Shame Spiral Is Trying to Tell You
Ever opened up to someone… and then immediately regretted it?
You’re lying in bed, replaying everything you said, wondering if you were too much, said too much, or scared them off. That shame spiral? It’s not just in your head. In this episode, I’m breaking down exactly why we feel so gross after being vulnerable—and how to stop letting that shame run the show. We’ll talk nervous system reactions, trauma responses, and what it really means when you overshare. Plus, I’ll give you some practical tools to regulate in the moment and find safer containers to be seen (without spiraling the next day).
You might want to listen if:
- You constantly second-guess yourself after deep conversations
- You’ve felt a “vulnerability hangover” and didn’t know how to come down from it
- You grew up being told you were too much, too sensitive, or too emotional
- You overshare to feel close but end up feeling exposed instead
- You want to feel safe being seen, without the shame spiral after
FIND OUT MORE!
- Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
- Join the DANCE CIRCLE - Get updates on Jenn's debut book "Dance of Attachment"
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- Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
- Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
- Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
- Download your free Workbook: Dance of Attachment
- Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
- Follow Jenn on Instagram: @speak_honest
- Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!
DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach, and on today's episode, we are diving into one of those sticky, icky, super real moments that I know so many of us have experienced. And I got this question from one of my listeners and it was so good, so I wanted to actually create an entire podcast around this question. And the question is why do I feel so much shame after I open up to someone? Now I want to get into that, but before we do, I have something incredibly exciting to share. Now, some of you already know this, but I am writing my first debut book. I'm so excited and it is called Dance of Attachment. And if you have been loving the podcast and all that we do here at Speak Honest and you want to go deeper into all of this healing work, then I would love to invite you into something really special. It's called the Dance Circle, my behind-the-scenes book launch crew, and it's where I'll be sharing sneak peeks, early bonuses and exclusive invitations leading up to a launch in this fall or winter really honestly, depending on whenever we get all of this done but if you want to help me bring this book into the world and be a part of the magic, then it would mean so much to me if you came over and joined us in our dance circle. You can just join us at danceofattachmentcom and come and be a part of the inner circle. I would love to have you there.
Speaker 1:Now for the rest of the episode, I want you to be thinking about this when have you had a moment where you have opened up to someone, where you've shared something deep, something personable, something intimate, and then the next day, ugh, shame, rumination spiraling. Why did I say that? I shouldn't have said that? You're such an idiot? What's going on? I want you to think about all of that while we get into today's episode. Okay, so you finally let your guard down. You've shared something deep and personal and now you're lying in bed replaying every single word over and over again, wondering if you said too much. Maybe you were too much, maybe you didn't say enough, maybe you scared them off, maybe you trauma dumped. All of this is happening to you right now and it's a lot, and I understand.
Speaker 1:But this idea came straight from my client who said Jen, I just don't understand. Why do I feel so gross after sharing? I thought I was doing something healthy and it hit me. This entire question needed to be a whole episode, because this is where it's at, because that shame spiral. It is not a sign that you did something wrong. It is a sign of something deeper, something your nervous system learned a long time ago. So today we're unpacking the shame spiral after you overshare, and I'm going to walk you through three things you need to know if this is happening to you.
Speaker 1:So let's get into thing. Number one why does oversharing trigger so much shame? Well, first, let's all take a nice big deep breath, because I know this is a lot and this is about your nervous system. This is not about your character, okay. So see, when you share something vulnerable and then suddenly feel panicked, embarrassed or disgusted with yourself. That's just your body's reaction. All right, this is just your body reacting like it just revealed a dangerous secret. This isn't about whether you said something wrong. It's about what your system learned in the past that being seen or expressing too much was unsafe. So now, what happens? Now, when you open up, your body fires off that old alarm going woo, woo, woo. Your heart is racing, your stomach is turning and you are spiraling, girl, but you are not broken and this is not your fault. You're having a completely understandable response based on your history. Being seen is something that we all deeply desire, yet it is one of the hardest things to actually achieve, and so you are not broken. If this is you, do you hear me? You are not broken.
Speaker 1:But now let's move on to thing number two. What does oversharing actually mean and why do we do it? I want you to remember that oversharing isn't about the volume of sharing, all right. It's not about how much you talk. It's not about the words. It's not like your professor asked you to write a paper and now it's about a word count. It's about timing and safety.
Speaker 1:Most people overshare when they haven't had a safe space to be seen or heard. So the second someone is actually listening. It's like the floodgates are opening, but it's not attention seeking it. It's like the floodgates are opening, but it's not attention seeking, it's connection seeking. Did you hear that? I want to repeat that. Come back to me if you were not paying attention, if your mind went somewhere else. Come back to me If you are oversharing, hear me.
Speaker 1:That is not attention seeking, it is connection seeking. You are seeking connection with the other person. You're trying to create closeness, but if it's with someone who hasn't earned that level of access, then you're left feeling exposed and raw. And that doesn't mean that the other person has done anything wrong. It just might mean that you don't feel safe with them yet.
Speaker 1:See, oversharing can actually be a trauma response. It's about what happens when the need to belong overrides your sense of safety. So you don't feel safe yet to explore and be vulnerable with this person. Yet at the same time, your body is saying I need connection, I need this, I need to attach to this person right now. So you overshare, you talk about the trauma that happened in your life, you talk about your work, your friends, your ex or something else that is going on and it's okay. It happens all the time, but it's just coming from a trauma response of connection. Now we're going to find healthier ways to connect down the road, but right now, if this is happening to you, just understand that this is part of the healing process.
Speaker 1:But a lot of people think, oh okay, well, then I just need to shut down, I just I can't talk, I just I'll keep my mouth shut. But I need you to do more than just not talk. All right, see, the fix isn't to shut down, it's to slow down. I want you to slow way down, girl, okay, I want you to find safe containers. This can be loved ones. This could be your friend, your partner, maybe one of your parents or your sibling, or anyone that is safe to you.
Speaker 1:One of the best, safest containers you can do is join a healing community, like in our Relationship Reboot Program. We are a safe container. You can come into that membership and you can share anything. We hold space for you. We are a safe container and that is a great place to start. In fact, we have women that come in and they've shared things that they've never shared with anyone before and they get a little bit of that vulnerability hangover, sure. But they come back and they say, jen, you know what? That was really good, but I'm just so sorry. I shared so much last time and I'm so sorry I took up so much of your time and please know I won't do that again. And I took up so much of your time and please know I won't do that again. And to that woman I would say I'm so proud of you, I'm proud of you for sharing. You did not take up too much space. You took up the perfect amount of space.
Speaker 1:This is where you get to trust me as the facilitator of that group. I get to tell you if you've talked too much in the group, because that's what I do and, believe me, you can ask any of the ladies in the group. I interrupt all the time and I say, hey, actually we need to move this along or we need to have space for somebody else. And so if I'm allowing you to talk for 15 minutes, it's because I know, as your coach, you need this and we're all going to hold space for you. Sweetheart, that's what a safe container is for. So I want you to check in with your body. I want you to learn to give vulnerability in these small doses that feel regulated, not rushed.
Speaker 1:But now I want to talk on point number three, which is how do I actually stop the spiral once it starts? Because this is where the real work actually is. This is when the spiral is going. It's on a trajectory of continuation and you don't know what to do. But it's not always about avoiding the overshare. It's about soothing the shame that comes right after. So remember I said we're not going to fix it by shutting down, right, we're not going to fix it by just keeping our mouth shuts. We're still going to share, we're still going to speak up, but we're going to still be vulnerable. But we're going to soothe the rumination. We're going to soothe the shame that comes up. So here's what I want you to do Soothe the shame that comes up. So here's what I want you to do Next time you feel that ugh, that just ick in your stomach, that why did I say that?
Speaker 1:You know that feeling that's just like punch in the stomach, that cringe moment, right, I think that's what the kids are calling it now. My son would say that's so cringe, mom. But listen, if you feel that cringe, I want you to stop. I want you to pause, and I want you to pause and I want you to breathe.
Speaker 1:If you haven't tried it yet, box breathing is one of the most amazing ways to regulate and with box breathing, what you do is you inhale for four, you hold for four, you exhale for four and then you hold for four again. See how it's a box? Let's go ahead and try it together, right here. So, whether you're driving, maybe you're walking, you're listening to me on your walk or on your run, or maybe as you're falling asleep or you're doing the dishes, let's do some box breathing right now. Are you ready? All right? So we're going to inhale for four, hold for four One, two, three, four. Exhale for hold for four one, two, three, four. Exhale for four and then hold for four one, two, three, four and you can do that a couple times. Do it as many times as you need to Start feeling that cringe moment ease in your stomach.
Speaker 1:Maybe you weren't even having a shame spiral right now as we were doing this box breathing, but your day was really hectic and doing that box breathing just really helped you out. That's what it's all about. It's just about regulating your nervous system. I want you to remind yourself, while you're breathing, that your body is just reacting to a past threat. But you're breathing, that your body is just reacting to a past threat. But you're safe now Because, see in the past, when you would share your feelings or you would tell someone what you needed, you were probably shamed for this. You were called too much or too sensitive. Why do you have to cry about everything? Why is everything such a big deal with you? Why are you overreacting? Why are you so dramatic? These are all the voices in my head all the time. That's why I can make those silly voices.
Speaker 1:But I want you to remember that you're safe now. You're loved now, you're seen now, and if you don't have a safe container to share yourself with, then that's our first step. We're going to find you a safe container. You can come and chat with me at any time. You can come into our free Facebook community or you can just search Speak Honest. I will help you with that. You can come in and to our Relationship Reboot program, or you could just come and do some one-on-one coaching with me. Whatever it is, you just need to find your safe space. It is just about reminding yourself that you are safe, you are allowed to take up space and you can share vulnerably and you will be okay.
Speaker 1:And now I want you to ask yourself did I actually say something harmful in this moment? Or did I say something that was just a part of who I was? Like, did I actually say something that was really bad? Like, maybe you shared someone's secret or you were gossiping? Sure, we can work on that, but maybe you were just uncomfortable with being seen. See, that's the fear. Like I said earlier, all of us want to be seen, but the truth of the matter is, being seen is actually incredibly scary. It is so scary to be seen for who we truly are, because do you know what that means? Do you know what it means to be seen for who you truly are? It means you can be rejected for who you truly are. Do you hear that? So you just have to ask yourself okay, I have this shame spiral coming on. I'm going to pause, I'm going to breathe, I'm going to ask myself okay, did I actually say something that was bad or am I just uncomfortable with being seen right now? And that is how we get in our reality, that is, us figuring out what we need.
Speaker 1:And the next I want you to text a trusted friend. Find a safe container. If you're in the reboot program, jump into one of the group coaching, let us know. Jump into the Facebook community or maybe you can even just journal about it. To journal it out, you can use voice notes on your phone, you can use a written journal. You can type it out. Whatever it is. You just have to name the shame so it loses its power. The key isn't to keep your mouth shut and it's not to never be vulnerable again. It's to feel safe enough to stay with yourself even after you are All right.
Speaker 1:Well, that was a good one and I'm so glad I got to have this topic and really open it up for the entire podcast. I think it warranted more than just one question within a big listener question episode. It needed an entire podcast so we could really stretch this out and understand it. So thank you so much to my client for bringing that question to me and I hope to help you understand what's actually going on when you find yourself spiraling after a moment of honesty See whether you overshare it on a date in a text or during a hard conversation this doesn't mean that you are too much. It means that you're human and you're healing.
Speaker 1:And if this episode made you say, oh, ah, yeah, jen, that's me, I spiral a lot, this happens all the time then the dance of attachment was written exactly for you and girl, I am so excited for this. This book is the heart of everything that I teach how your attachment stance shows up in real life relationships and how to move from anxious or avoidant patterns into secure love without losing yourself in the process. That part is so important. Now, if you want to be a part of the behind the scenes journey and help me launch this book into the world, come join our dance circle at danceofattachmentcom. You'll get sneak peeks, special bonuses and exclusive early access when the book is ready.
Speaker 1:And that makes me so excited to say All right, my lovelies, I will speak with you all next week. Take care, as we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there, and please remember to rate, review and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.
