Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
Are you ready to heal your attachment style, master healthy communication, and create secure, fulfilling relationships? Subscribe now to uncover the secrets of secure attachment, navigate the challenges of trauma recovery, and improve your communication skills in love and life. In each episode of the Speak Honest podcast, we’ll dive into attachment styles, emotional healing, and proven strategies for deeper connection. It’s time to break free from the cycle of heartbreak and start building the relationships you deserve.
Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
76. Are You Settling or Just Scared? 5 Truth Bombs About Secure Relationships
Is it love... or are you just afraid to start over?
In this episode of Speak Honest, I'm answering the big, messy questions so many women ask themselves late at night. Am I settling? Is he really the one? What does secure love even feel like? I’m breaking it all down in a way that’s honest, compassionate, and actually helpful. Whether you're dating someone new or deep into a long-term relationship, this episode will help you sort through the confusion and get clear on what real, grounded love looks like.
You might want to listen if:
- You keep asking yourself, “Is this really it?”
- You feel stuck between staying or walking away
- You’re afraid to be alone or start over
- You’ve never seen a secure relationship modeled and don’t know what to look for
- You’re trying to feel content as a single woman but keep feeling like something’s missing
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- Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
- Join the DANCE CIRCLE - Get updates on Jenn's debut book "Dance of Attachment"
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- Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
- Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
- Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
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- Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!
DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Hello, ladies, welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach, and on today's episode, we are diving into some of the big questions that so many of us have asked ourselves at one point or another. Questions like am I settling? Is there really such a thing as meant to be? Can two people make it work, no matter what? What does a secure relationship actually look like? See these questions. They came straight from my listeners and I'm so excited to break them down in a way that is honest, compassionate and super practical. Whether you're single and feeling stuck, or you're in a relationship and you're wondering is this enough, this episode will give you some clarity and hopefully even a little relief. And if you're craving a space where you can be real about this stuff with other women who get it, then I want you to come and join our free Facebook community. It's called Speak Honest Secure Attachment and Confident Communication for Women and it's full of heart-led conversations, intense, amazing support conversations, intense, amazing support and weekly sessions to help you feel less alone and more empowered in your relationships, and you don't have to figure this out all by yourself. I want you to know that. I want you to come and hang out with us. We'd love to have you. Just search Speak Honest on Facebook or click the link in the show notes. All right now, let's get on with the episode. Or click the link in the show notes.
Speaker 1:All right now, let's get on with the episode, all right. So today we have a lot of questions to get through, so I'm going to try to knock as many out as I possibly can, but I had some great questions come in and I wanted to put them all in this episode so you can really understand what it is to have a secure relationship. What does a secure attachment actually look like? What does it mean to be in that relationship, all of that? So let's start with question number one.
Speaker 1:My listener asked Jen can any two people make it work, or is there a meant to be person for everyone? All right, big question. Love this one, though, but here's the honest truth Not every two people can make it work, this is true, but I do believe that chemistry is not enough. Even love isn't enough all the time. See, what makes a relationship work is emotional safety, shared values and a willingness to grow together. And, that said, I don't really believe there's just one meant-to-be person out there. I don't believe in soulmates or twin flames or any of that stuff. There are likely many people that you could build something beautiful with, but only if both of you are willing to do the work, and that's the core part of this.
Speaker 1:See, the fantasy of the one. It can actually keep us stuck, either chasing someone unavailable or staying in something painful because we've decided well, they're it. This is what I have to have. So I want you to ask yourself something different To me. The better question here isn't, you know, are we meant to be as he, my soulmate? But can this version of you and this version of him meet in the middle and grow together? That's the question to be asking ourselves. If not, it's okay to let go of the fantasy and choose something real. That's what this is all about. All right, if you have any more questions about that, let me know in the Facebook group. I will answer more. But let's jump into question number two.
Speaker 1:What does a secure relationship even look like? Jen, now, I get this question a lot. It's like great, I'm coming in, I'm trying to heal my attachment style, everything's going on. What does it mean to be secure? See, a secure relationship does not mean zero conflict. Okay, I'm going to say that again. Come back to me and listen to that.
Speaker 1:A secure relationship does not mean zero conflict. It does not mean that you're always happy and you're always joyful and everything goes well all the time. Listen, it means you repair when there's a rupture. That part is so important. It means you don't walk on eggshells. You can express yourself, your needs, your wants, your boundaries, your desires without fear. You feel emotionally safe in the relationship. You feel respected, you feel seen, you feel secure. There's consistency, not confusion. The nervous system is a great compass here. It truly is. You want to listen to that.
Speaker 1:Secure love often feels boring at first, especially if you're used to chaos. It might even feel awkward or off or like you're not that into them. But that's just because your system is learning what a calm connection actually feels like. So I want you to look out for these things. If you think you're in a secure relationship or you're trying to get there, let's look for this. You're not second guessing your worth every day. Oof, that would hurt me. I used to do that all the time. I used to do that all the time. I used to think there was something wrong with me. I used to think I was the problem in the relationship. I used to think I was the reason it messed up. But now, a secure relationship, the one I'm in now I'm not second guessing myself every day. I'm not second guessing my worth. I know I'm inherently worthy.
Speaker 1:Another thing to look out for is can you be honest about how you feel? So in? And if you feel like no, jen, every time I'm honest with him, you know he blows up or he gets defensive or he runs away Okay, Well then you're not in a secure relationship yet and we'll get you there. Here's another question there's space for your emotions. Not only can you be honest with how you feel, but after you share them, is there space for them. Can you be sad if he upset you? Can you be frustrated if he didn't do the dishes? There needs to be space for your emotions in the relationship. And lastly, do you feel accepted, not judged or managed, in the relationship. So I want you to ask yourself these four questions when you're looking to see if you are in a secure relationship or not.
Speaker 1:Now, if you are just newly dating someone and you're constantly second guessing your worth, if you can't be honest about how you feel, if there's no space for your emotions and you don't feel accepted, then yes, my personal and professional opinion is let's go find you someone else. If you're in a deep relationship with someone, if it's been years or decades or this is someone you are committed to, then come and work with me and let's get you to a place where the two of you can start communicating and connecting again. To get you to a place where you're not second-guessing your worth, because you are so secure that you don't need to be second-guessing your worth, that you know you can be honest with how you feel because you deserve your feelings and the space for your emotions. That's the place we would get you into, all right, so this is what safety feels like and this is what secure love is built on. I hope that makes sense. Again, if you have any questions, follow up questions about that, jump in the Facebook group. Let's talk.
Speaker 1:But now let's move on to question number three. This is a great one. This was from one of my clients and she wants to know how do I know, jen, if I'm settling Oof the settling spiral? It is real, it is happening. It is a question I get all the time. It is a question I asked myself all the time when I first started dating my husband.
Speaker 1:So, first off, settling does not mean that your partner has flaws. Right, every relationship comes with work and every partner is going to have flaws. They are not perfect. If we are expecting our partners to be perfect, then we are pushing our perfectionism onto them. So, just the same way we believe we need to be perfect, we think they need to be perfect. That's just not the case. So settling does not mean being with somebody with flaws like, oh no, he has flaws. So now I'm settling.
Speaker 1:Settling happens when you consistently ignore your core values. What are your core values? Trust, honesty, respect, et cetera. Maybe your spirituality, your religion, your politics? It doesn't matter. What are your core values. And if you are consistently ignoring these values, then that is a high chance that you might be settling just to keep the relationship Like oh, I don't really want anyone that smokes, but he smokes, but that's okay, I'll get over it, that's settling.
Speaker 1:And so I want you to ask yourself if nothing changed, if you fully and completely accept him for who he is right now, in this moment, and nothing changes whatsoever, would you feel fulfilled five years from now? That is the question I want you to ask yourself. That is how you can start to tell if you are settling or not. Also, I want you to check your why. Why are you staying? Are you staying because you love him, because you want to make this work, because you know that this can work out? Or are you staying out of fear, fear of being alone, fear of starting over? I hear this all the time. Jen, I can't start over. At my age, I don't have any time left. That's settling, because that's a fear. And maybe this is the fear that this is the best you're going to get.
Speaker 1:Settling usually comes with resentment. It's this quiet ache that builds over time and if you notice it, I just want you to just notice it, not shame yourself. Just notice this feeling. I want you to get curious about it. Your nervous system might be trying to keep you safe, but your soul might be asking for something more, and that's okay, all right.
Speaker 1:So let's jump into question number four now. How, jen, do I become more content as a single person? Oh, great question. Great question. I have been there myself especially. Listen, this is so hard if you've been doing the work and you still haven't found your person. Becoming content as a single woman doesn't mean you stop wanting connection, just to be clear. Contentment doesn't mean like rolling over and just giving in. It means you start nurturing the relationship you have with yourself and with the other people in your life, understanding that a romantic relation does not make or break you. That's the difference. So I want you to ask yourself this what do I want in a partner, and how can I give that to myself right now? So I want you to kind of write all this stuff down. This is, if you want to follow along, if you want to have some homework this week, I want you to write down what do you want in a partner, and then we're going to break this down so you can start to see how can you give yourself this in pieces right now.
Speaker 1:Do you want to feel chosen? How can you choose yourself every day? Do you want to feel desired? Then how can you be desired in yourself? Wear what makes you feel good, maybe get that matching bra and panty set right Like get the cute earrings. Move your body with love. Join some sort of program or exercise routine that makes you feel desired. Maybe it's Zumba, maybe it's Zumba, maybe it's pole dancing, maybe it's yoga. Take yourself out, dote on yourself, treat yourself right, make yourself feel desired. Maybe you want deep connection, deep conversation. So go out and find people that are going to meet you there.
Speaker 1:Remember, one person is in our everything, and the more rooted we become in our own enoughness, the less we are going to chase someone to fill the gaps. And here's the thing Secure love is more likely to find you when you're not hustling to earn it. Okay, I want you to remember that Secure love is more likely to find you when you are not hustling to earn it. That part is so important. All right, now, I know that was a lot, but these are the kind of questions that get us closer to the truth and to our secure attachment. So, whether you are untangling what's real, or maybe you're learning to stop settling, or you're figuring out what secure love actually looks like for you, the fact that you're even asking these questions means that you are on your path to healing, and I'm so proud of you. All right, my lovelies, I hope that this gave you a little clarity and maybe, hopefully, a little comfort too.
Speaker 1:These are the questions that swirl in our heads late at night when we're second guessing everything that's going on and we're ruminating, and I just want you to know that you are not the only one asking them. So, whether you're healing from a situationship, maybe you're figuring out if your partner's the right fit, or you're learning how to love being you and just you, you're doing the work and that's what matters. And if you want a space where you can feel like you can unpack this stuff or, late at night, you can jump into a community and you can ask these questions as quickly as you can with other women who get it, who get you, then I want you to come and join us in our free Facebook community. Just go ahead and search, speak Honest on Facebook, or you can scroll on down to the show notes and find the link. It is full of real talk, tons of support and a community that reminds you that you're not too much, that you've just been in spaces that couldn't hold you and we want to hold you.
Speaker 1:So you can search Speak Honest on Facebook, click on the link in the show notes. We would love to have you and, with all of that said, I hope you all have a beautiful week. I will speak with you all next week. Take care, as we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.
