Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
Are you ready to heal your attachment style, master healthy communication, and create secure, fulfilling relationships? Subscribe now to uncover the secrets of secure attachment, navigate the challenges of trauma recovery, and improve your communication skills in love and life. In each episode of the Speak Honest podcast, we’ll dive into attachment styles, emotional healing, and proven strategies for deeper connection. It’s time to break free from the cycle of heartbreak and start building the relationships you deserve.
Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
71. I Think I Want Out: How to Navigate a Marriage at the Breaking Point | My Conversation with Dr. Becky Whetstone
Ever felt like you can’t tell if you’re ready to leave or just desperate for something to change?
In this raw and revealing conversation, I sit down with Dr. Becky Whetstone, also known as the “Marriage Crisis Manager,” to talk about what really happens when a relationship hits the point of "I think I want out." Whether you're in the middle of a marriage meltdown or quietly questioning everything, this episode is packed with insight, validation, and surprising hope. We talk about the nervous system’s role in emotional shutdown, why a separation doesn’t have to mean the end, and how responsiveness in a partner can make or break a relationship. Dr. Becky also shares her own story of starting over at 42 and why it’s never too late to grow emotionally and reclaim your sense of self.
You might want to listen if:
- You feel emotionally neglected and aren't sure how much more you can take
- You're thinking about separation but don’t know what that actually means
- You’ve been told you’re too emotional or too much in your marriage
- You’re the only one doing the work and it’s making you question everything
- You’ve wondered if your marriage is worth saving but don’t know where to start
FIND OUT MORE!
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- Join the DANCE CIRCLE - Get updates on Jenn's debut book "Dance of Attachment"
- Join our FREE Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
- Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
- Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
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- Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths and honest conversations. Now let's dive in. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach, and on today's episode, I had the honor of getting to talk to Dr Becky.
Speaker 1:Dr Becky Whetstone is a marriage and family therapist. She is a compassionate expert dedicated to guiding individuals through their most challenging times. She offers intelligent, thoughtful decision-making and action-taking for people in marriage crisis. Over the years, she has supported thousands of couples navigating the turbulent waters of marital crisis. If you out there right now are in a marriage and you are at a place where you are not sure whether or not you can make this work, I highly recommend listening to this episode with Dr Becky. We also just talk about how to make relationships work. That was some of the best parts of this conversation with her. It also taught me that we're never too old to start. Dr Becky went back to school after the age of 40, and it really resonated with my own personal story of, okay, I want to go out there, I want to get those credentials and I want to do this thing. And so if you're out there and you're wondering what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life Jen, I just hit 40. I don't know what to do, just listen to her story. It's so inspirational. And if you're sitting out there right now and you're thinking I really want to be with other women like this, I wish I was sitting in the room with Dr Becky and Jen having this conversation.
Speaker 1:Well, I want to invite you to join our free Facebook community. You can join at any time. You can just go on Facebook and you can search Speak Honest, secure Communication for Women, and you're going to be able to find the Facebook right there. If, for some reason, you cannot find it, go ahead and scroll on down to the show notes. You can click on the link in the show notes. It'll take you straight to the Facebook group. You're going to answer a couple of questions just so we can get to know you. Make sure that you are who you say you are so we can keep it a safe environment for only women who are looking to heal their relationships. If that sounds like you, we would love to have you in the group Now.
Speaker 1:I hope you enjoy my conversation with Dr Becky. Hello everyone, I am so excited to get to talk with Dr Becky Whetstone today Now, if you are unfamiliar with her work, I recommend going out and Googling her right now. But she has the most fantastic book and it is called. I Think I Want Out what to Do when One of you Wants to End the Marriage Oof. The title of that book Dr Becky even just gets to me. I think I want out. I've been there. Go ahead, introduce yourself, tell us a little bit about yourself and say hi.
Speaker 2:Well, first of all, hi everyone, and thank you so much for having me on the show. It's just, I feel like I'm famous all of a sudden to be on your show. This is an incredible opportunity. Yeah, I've been relationship obsessed my whole life since childhood. I used to scour advice columns and I felt like that's what I wanted to do when I grew up. So I did.
Speaker 2:I'm a writer, I've always been a writer, and I went and majored in journalism in college and what I did was I went to Texas to marry a Texan and I did not start writing. I got married and became a housewife and I quickly realized I did not enjoy being a housewife at all, that I needed to find a career for myself. So back then I was pretty lost. But what I did know is I'd married this fabulous man who was my dream come true. He was so loving and cute and successful and six months into our marriage he slammed the door on me emotionally, went cold on me like a bright light to darkness, and I spent the next five years trying to get him to come back out and love me and pay attention to me and date me and, you know, be loving again. He never would. So we had two little kids and in about the eighth year I went through kind of what you would call a midlife crisis. I just could not stand to be around him anymore. I just sat him down one day after work and I said I don't think I want to be married anymore. I know I need a separation. I don't know if I want a divorce. I don't know anything. I just need to get away from you. So we went to a marriage therapist seeking advice and the marriage therapist sent us home and said if you don't want to work on your marriage, I can't help you.
Speaker 2:So we managed our marriage crisis ourselves. We separated ourselves. We made the biggest mess. We ended up, in my opinion, prematurely divorced. I think if we'd have had the right care and someone telling us and normalizing kind of what was going on, that we could have found our way back to each other. But instead we tore up the town and ended up having this awful divorce and it never set well with me that the therapist couldn't help us.
Speaker 2:And in our town we went to the guy who was the guy, the main guy, the most respected guy in town and he couldn't help us. So I sat on that for a while. We got divorced. I did go get a job for a newspaper. I became a feature writer and a columnist for the San Antonio Express News. I started writing about relationships, very much like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. I talked about the woes of being a single mom and it was extremely popular and I became known as a relationship guru in San Antonio and I was on a bunch of radio shows and the local TV shows. But the callers would call in and complain that I had no credentials.
Speaker 1:I know that feeling, I really feel that.
Speaker 2:I know, and it's just agonizing Just because you didn't go to plant school doesn't mean that you can't grow excellent plants, you know? I mean I don't understand this, but anyway, I went to grad school to shut people up because people were going get a mail order degree and I'm like, no, if Becky's going to do this, she's going to do it legit. So I went to grad school to become a marriage and family therapist and I really fell in love with what I was learning. That really deepened me as a relationship guru kind of person. It really I don't know. And the thing I discovered, too, was academic research, as opposed to just reading magazine articles or someone's book on the shelf. I was going to the library and pulling up journals and studies and I learned the importance of research, and so I made it my business to look up marriage crisis and I found all this mother load of information. That was so incredible and I love this so much.
Speaker 1:So let me back up real quick because I want to get the timeline set here. So around when did you go back to school? Because I think this is so important. We have a lot of listeners, a lot of women out there and they're kind of starting over. They've been divorced. Honestly, I'm hearing a lot of my own story, which is I'm a relationship coach, and a lot of times people are like, yeah, but what the fuck do you know? So I'm back in school to get my degree in order to have that clout. So I totally get you. I love this so much. It just keeps happening. But I get it right. We want to be safe in what we're understanding. But, if you don't mind me asking, how about? How old were you when you went back to school? 42. Yes, girl. Oh, that makes me so excited.
Speaker 2:I wasn't the oldest person in my cohort, not at all. There's quite a few people and I've got clients. Now they're like I'm 50 and I just started counseling school and I'm like so what?
Speaker 1:So what? Get out there and do it. It's never too late. No, it is never too late.
Speaker 2:That is a huge. You know, I finished when I was 47. It's so funny because the people I went to school with, the younger ones, are now the age I was when I was in graduate school, and we laugh about that. That's so funny. I had young teens back then and now they have young teens.
Speaker 1:Yeah, some of my friends are like in their 20s because I meet them in college and I'm like a 40-year-old. But anyway, it's like getting off sidetracked here. But I think it's so important for people to see that, even if the marriage doesn't work out, or even if it is that they need to start over in life, that it's not forever right. Like you get back in there, you keep growing, you keep going. And look what Dr Becky has become. She is now the relationship guru, she now has the letters after her name and she is doing it. So tell me more about this book. So I think I want out. Is this for women who know they want the divorce or is this for women who want to save the marriage?
Speaker 2:The people that are certain they want a divorce. That's about 1% of the population. Most people are nagged with doubts and they're anguishing over whether to stay or go. So what has happened in a marriage crisis is someone has reached that crescendo of stress where they're just about to lose their mind and they can't take it anymore and they go.
Speaker 2:I think I want out or I'm unhappy in the marriage, they sort of burst a bubble and create this crisis situation and when that happens, each spouse their nervous systems fire up and they go into the fight, flight and freeze response. When you go in the fight, flight and freeze response, you cannot think clearly, you cannot act rationally, you won't even remember most of the conversations that you have. Your digestion stops. It's crazy. And this activation of the nervous system goes on for months and they're sitting there deciding where they want to stay or go while their nervous systems are all activated and I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2:Now I learned in the research. You know that we need to get people stabilized and calm them down and tell them we're in no hurry to make a decision. Let's just slow this down and we'll get you calmed down. And then, once you're more calm, then we will have adult conversations. Look under the hood of your marriage, see what we're dealing with and see what the possibilities are. I also have to figure out early on whether they would benefit from a separation. If they do, I want them to do it not the way my husband and I did, with no rhyme reason or timeline. I want them to work with a therapist who has a timeframe set up for them weekly or every other week, meetings with their therapist overseeing the separation, making sure they're behaving themselves. They're following the rules. I have rules and they're very strict. You're not supposed to talk to each other when you're separated.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is great. Can we dive into this? Because I'm hearing you say if you want to go, a separation that is not the end of your relationship, Because you hear this all the time oh, if you're going to separate, you might as well divorce. But that's just not true is it? That's what negative Nellie said, so what I'm hearing you say, though, also, is don't just separate without a plan.
Speaker 2:No, otherwise I mean I'm sure you've heard of couples that end up in separation limbo and it just goes on and on and on and on and on and they didn't do the work that they should have been doing through that time to get themselves healthier as individuals and to be learning what a healthy relationship is. If you're not doing the work on yourself and learning to understand relationship dynamics, then if you reconcile, the research shows that 85% of you will end up divorced within six months. So in my separation, it's mandatory that you get individual therapy. It's mandatory that your separation be overseen by someone like me.
Speaker 2:I call myself a marriage crisis manager and you're not allowed to talk because the reason you separate it is because whoever the decider is, whoever that person is that thinks they want a divorce, I want them to try it before they do it, because a lot of people get divorced. Then they go wait a minute, I don't like this. And they call me and go Becky, can you help me get my spouse back? And I'm like let's have you have a trial divorce where you don't speak to each other during this. See if you miss your person, see if you recognize maybe benefits that they brought to your life that you didn't notice before and you know, get some perspective on what being single is, because if you get a flat tire, you're going to have to call triple A, like single people do, instead of your spouse.
Speaker 2:So I find that you know, when a couple's stuck in a negative cycle of behaviors, one of the ways we create change is by shaking up the system. So the separation is meant to shake up the system and get them to hopefully build motivation to want to save the marriage. But there's a certain percentage that are going to go separate and they're going to go. I love this. I'm the happiest I've been In those cases. I'd like to see those go as long as six months, because some people are high in the beginning and excited to be away from their spouse, but three, four, five, six months into it they start getting restless and they don't like it.
Speaker 1:I love that you bring this up, because I've talked about this before, which is kind of this, so a thing that I love talking about. I'm attachment focused relationship coach, right, so I'll talk about attachment styles like all day, every day, it's my passion. But what I talk about is especially for those disorganized folks, those ladies that kind of want to pull them in close but then push them away. When you first get single, it's almost like you have your own honeymoon period. Do you see this happen as well? This sounds like what you're saying, and so it's like oh, look at me, I'm going out with the girls every night, like I'm going out to the clubs, I'm having such a good time, I'm doing all this and then all of a sudden, just like all relationships, it kind of settles down and it's a little bit boring and you're like wait a second, this isn't what I thought it was going to be.
Speaker 2:That's exactly right. When my husband left the first night he was gone. I remember jumping on our king size bed, jumping up and down, singing ding dong the asshole's gone.
Speaker 1:I love it so much.
Speaker 2:He would never let me listen to music in the house or in the car, and I had played music for two years without ever turning it off. I was just like. It was like a thirsty girl, you know, just down in the water. You know everything he forbid me to do. I wanted to do it. So this was a true like midlife crisis where I was in a rebellious mode, you know, and I'm like I love being away from him. This is fabulous. But about a year later I went. What the hell did? I just do? I came back.
Speaker 2:When you're in a midlife crisis, you are in the fight, flight or freeze response. I say your IQ drops by 20 points. But that's not a fact. It just seems that way because a person is so self-oriented in a negative way, they're very self-centered and narcissistic to the extreme degree for a period of time and they're not reachable. You can't pull them out of it.
Speaker 2:So they kind of got to go tear up the town and come back to reality, and so you look at it as like in the beginning of the relationship, they're over here, conforming and sacrificing, giving up a lot of who they are so they could be married, and they got nothing out of that.
Speaker 2:They're so mad that they spent all that time trying to get someone to love them and they never got that. So now they swing all over to this other side and say it's all about me and to hell with everybody else. Now they're going to come back to the middle. It usually takes about two years, but in my case it was a year when I came back down and got grounded and looked around and I was divorced and he was dating somebody seriously already and he wouldn't even talk to me about possibly reconciling or going to a marriage therapist or anything like that. So that informed me that people need to take their time, and I wish someone had explained the nervous system part to me back then that I was temporarily insane and I couldn't help it. And that's normal. It's normal to be temporarily insane when you are in the fight. Fight or freeze response.
Speaker 1:It's so important to really kind of get that across. If you're in this big moment, you're having this midlife crisis, if you're feeling like I don't know if I could just stay with the same man for the next 20 years of my life, I don't know what I'm going to do, you're normal, it happens, and is there a way for? Let's say, there's a woman out there listening and she's been with her husband eight, nine, 10 years and she's kind of hitting that stage. You know he's becoming a little bit more avoidant, she's getting a little bit more anxious. He's not giving her enough of what she needs. The relationship isn't at a place where she wants to necessarily leave, but she also can't keep going on like this. What can she do within the relationship? Is there ever a chance for just the woman to kind of get herself kind of in a place where she feels a little bit more secure, without having to go to him and say I think I want out First?
Speaker 2:of all. I think the biggest problem I see in marriage period is that we're emotionally immature in our relationships and that's caused by our childhood issues. It makes us emotionally immature so we're emotional children in our relationships and that's caused by our childhood issues. It makes us emotionally immature. So we're emotional children in our relationships. We do crazy things like pout and give our spouse the silent treatment and slam doors. That's childish, okay. So people need to learn how to grow up and you can find great therapists who will take you on that journey of growing yourself up emotionally. But when you do that, when you grow yourself up and you become an emotional adult, you realize you are responsible for your own happiness.
Speaker 2:Your spouse is not your entertainment committee they, you know. Like I said, I hear this all the time I'm born in my marriage. My spouse never plans a date. Okay, well, that's'm born in my marriage. My spouse never plans a date. Okay, well, that's a common problem with women. Their spouse never plans a date. It's very common, especially with white American men. You know, white American men are notoriously shut down, invulnerable, and so they're not that great in the relationship department. I'm sorry, guys, if you're in the car listening to this.
Speaker 2:It's true, it's true, and y'all need to do something about this.
Speaker 1:She's not wrong, she's exactly. I mean, this is what's happening.
Speaker 2:No, but in light of that, you know you've got to work with what you have. So I tell women, you know, start focusing on the things in your life that will make you happy. Have you been developing your individuality within the marriage, you know, instead of looking at him to be the one that to make you happy? So get yourself good on your own, and then you learn how to tell your spouse what you need or what you would like for them to do. And so many women go well, if I have to tell him it's not important and it doesn't mean anything, well, get over that.
Speaker 2:You know my spouse is not going to dream up and he's one of those guys I was just talking about y'all. He is not going to think of some big birthday extravaganza for me, but I tell him about two weeks before here's where I want to go to eat. Here's the friends I want you to invite to come along with us. Here's the gift I want you to give me. And I'm okay with that because I'm an emotional adult and the thing is he takes instructions very well.
Speaker 1:Now see, that does help a lot.
Speaker 1:But you're completely right in this, because one of the big things in research and I'm sure you're very familiar with the Gottmans and all the work that they do and got to love him, but with them what they were talking about was that you are seven times more likely to be satisfied in your relationship If you are able to communicate your needs to your partner, and vice versa.
Speaker 1:So what I'm hearing you say in that moment is you communicated to your husband what you needed in that moment and he listened and was able to follow suit. So that's what we're looking for in a relationship. We can't just expect them to read our minds. And if we're getting to that place, then I think that there might be something more insecure happening underneath, which is either and we have to just be honest about this we are either setting him up for failure, right, so it's like oh no, he can't read my mind. I guess he sucks, I guess it's time for me to go off, or, you know, we're just in this place where we don't feel like we deserve to ask for what we need.
Speaker 2:Oh heck, Now that one drives me crazy Again. If you go do trauma therapy, which I highly recommend for everybody, don't you tell me you don't have childhood trauma, because I know you do.
Speaker 1:She said it. You heard Dr Becky say it. Right, there Doesn't have it.
Speaker 2:And you know how I know, because your nervous system gets activated, right, when someone says something that hurts your feelings, your nervous system gets activated, you know. If that's going on, then you have childhood trauma. Okay Period, end of all game. So you have problems with emotional immaturity. Now the problem with the dudes is my husband's responsive. So that's really great. I've got clients who tell their husbands what to do for their birthdays and they're not responsive, and therein that's going to be a big problem. Lack of responsiveness and I talk about this in my book lack of responsiveness is a huge cause of divorce. So the thing is, if you make a reasonable request of your spouse hey, you can't tell a spouse what to do. You may make a request hey, honey, I request that you take me to the Billy Joel concert, you know, and I want seats right up front, if you don't mind.
Speaker 1:And maybe the VIP experience, if you can. Thanks and table service, but okay, in your household.
Speaker 2:That's a reasonable request, because y'all make a good living and all that kind of stuff. And so you know, if he ignores it, then you have to say to yourself okay, so we're married. What the hell are we doing? Like, if I ask you to rub my shoulders tonight for 10 minutes, that's a reasonable request and you don't do it, then what the hell are we doing here?
Speaker 2:And so what you learn is, in childhood trauma, you know there's a significant number of the population that is not relational. That's like being married to an emotional wall. You know and you like, knock, knock who's there and they won't come out. That's what happened to my husband back in the 1990s was he was vulnerable in the beginning to reel me in and then I guess something happened I'll never know what it was that made him uncomfortable one day and he slammed the door in my face and never opened it back again.
Speaker 2:And in healthy relationships we all get zinged I write about this in my book where your spouse or your partner hurts your feelings and then your wall goes up right. But the key to happy relationships is bringing it right back down. You can't leave it up for weeks and months and years like my ex did. So these are things that you have to be aware of. So again, you know, if you've got a spouse out there that's not responsive, then you indeed have serious marriage problems that may possibly lead to divorce if you can't learn to accept that.
Speaker 1:Such a good key piece here, because responsiveness right. If you ask him for something that you need and he's unable to give that to you, then let's dig into that more. Another interesting side of this is check in with yourself and see in the past, when you've asked for something and he's given it to you, have you been able to receive it? Have you been able to actually lovingly say thank you or receive it in that beautiful kind of way, or is it not good enough? I didn't want it that way. Can you rub my back? Not there, don't rub it there. Why'd you rub it there? Are we creating a safe environment for him to be able to actually be responsive? I think is also something important. What would you say about that?
Speaker 2:A story just fell in my head that's so funny, from my husband's first marriage. He was married for 25 years and it was a difficult marriage. And she kicked him out after 25 years and he said they were in the marriage therapist right before they got divorced. And she was saying he never buys me anything, he never buys me anything. And so he said well, what about that gold Rolex on your wrist? And she said you bought it on sale.
Speaker 1:That's exactly what I'm talking about. It wasn't good enough for her, and so why would he want to buy her anything else if every time he does it's not enough? Why would he care If?
Speaker 2:you are complaining that someone got you a gold Rolex on sale. You have a problem. I'm telling you right now. You're right. That's what came to mind is you can't go. Well, the only reason you did this is because I asked you to that. I hear a lot. If you do stuff like that, then the men are going to go into their emotional cave and they're going to stay in isolation indefinitely. And part of having a great relationship is we have to make it safe for them to come out and be vulnerable with us, and vice versa. Right, so you can't insult them when they come out and make a. You know, let's say, they make an effort that's kind of lame, you know, then you don't rip them up for their lame effort. That's not going to fly.
Speaker 1:Speaking of funny stories, I was divorced in a similar situation. Terrible, toxic blah, blah, blah got reburied. Found myself bringing some of that into the relationship again without realizing it. So my now husband cooks this dinner, does all of this stuff, and I sit down to eat it and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is why is this broccoli so mushy? Here he is taking this time to cook and be lovely for us. It's not. Usually he doesn't do it. He doesn't like cooking. I love doing it, it's no problem, but do you hear that? So why would he then want to cook again if I'm just putting him down and putting him down?
Speaker 1:Thankfully, thank God, I have a very secure husband now who later on told me hey, that didn't feel very good when you said the broccoli was mushy. Could you maybe tell me how you like to cook it next time? And I was like what did I do to deserve you? You're amazing. Thank you for putting me in my place, but that's right. We need to be also creating those safe spaces, and if you're out there thinking, yeah, well, he doesn't do a safe space for me, then again I think we're at the place where Dr Becky says you need to go and find someone to help you through this, then Well, right, I mean, if your husband doesn't want to go to marriage therapy or doesn't want to work on this, or he's reluctant to, you can still change the relationship by changing yourself.
Speaker 2:You know and that is a theme of marriage and family therapy, of which I am a marriage and family therapist when you go to school, we're taught, first and foremost, that a family is a system, foremost that a family is a system, and if one person in the family changes, it will change every other member of the dynamic in some way, shape or form, and so that's why, if you ever hear a therapist, go go by yourself. That's why that's why you know, and I remember, when I was about two years before my marriage crisis, I started thinking I may have to be single here, you know, and I'm a housewife. So I went back to grad school. I wasn't studying counseling at that time, I was in communication because I wanted to be in journalism.
Speaker 1:Cool Okay.
Speaker 2:And my husband told me later he realized that I was sort of prepping a nest, you know, for divorce to be able to support myself. But again, if you go out and become the hero of your family, it just takes one person. The thing is I've had clients that started working out and they lost a bunch of weight and all that stuff and it scared their husbands to death and their husband's like wait a minute, what's going on here? And they wanted to make themselves better now because they now felt like other men were going to be coming after their wives. So it's just crazy, in the different ways that you make changes, that it's going to affect your husband and perhaps or your spouse and motivate them to do something too.
Speaker 1:Exactly Because you don't motivate them by nagging them, telling them to eat better. Maybe you just motivate them by reading more in their presence or cooking better, healthier foods or, like you said, being able to go and make yourself more secure. A lot of women will come to me and ask Jen, how do I get him to look up his attachment style, how do I get him to heal his attachment style? And I say you don't. And if you're thinking that way, we're still going in that anxious spiral.
Speaker 1:So let's like pull back, slow down, as you said earlier, and really see that the studies show, the research shows that all it takes is one person in the relationship to become more secure and it actually can grow that other person. So there's two ways this is going to go and let me know if this tracks with what you know in your area, dr Becky is this is going to go one of two ways. You're gonna become more secure and either he's not gonna like that because it's gonna instigate his own insecurities, his own childhood wounds, and he's not gonna like your new secure self and so he might pull away. Or you're gonna become more secure and it's gonna level him up. But what I say to that is both of those seem like pretty good options to me, because what's the alternative? What do you think about that?
Speaker 2:I think that nervous systems regulate one another, you know, and so one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband is he has the calmest nervous system in the world. And by the time I was dating him, you know, about 15 years ago, I was just. I was out of grad school for like six or seven years and I was well aware of attachment styles and I had always been anxious, attached, and of course I attracted these avoidant men and, you know, went in the rubber band push pull, push pull, push pull. That we all hate, right. So I made it my business to find a secure, attached man, like that was an absolute must have. So what I love about him is, you know, he can give me all the space in the world. I need to go write a book or, you know, do a podcast on a evening after work or whatever, and he's totally happy for me and he'll give me all the space I want. But if I want to get some loving, then he's open for that too. I call it ambidextrous attachment.
Speaker 1:I love that. That's my favorite word. I love that, so there's no doubt.
Speaker 2:And so what happened with him being so secure attached? In the beginning of our relationship I did have some insecurity because, like so many women, we're so ridiculous. We sit around going does he like me? Does he like me? Does he like me, does he like me? Well, as soon as I realized, damn it, he does like me, like he's really crazy about me, then I was able to become a secure attached person too with him, and my anxious attached days are long gone. I have not felt that in a long, long time, 15 years probably. So if you're single, by God, lord, have mercy, find us a secure attached person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the fun part about that is, if you are finding yourself out there dating and you're just not attracted to the secure people, then pull back a little bit from dating, get yourself a little bit more secure and then go back out there. Right, you'll notice it. It'll be this pendulation of being like okay, I went out there, I'm just not attracted to this guy. It's usually a high chance that you're still in a non-secure attachment stance happening, so pull back. With all of that said, dr Becky, thank you so much for sharing your story today. This has been such a joy to get to know you. I love your energy, I love everything. Tell us a little bit more about your book, where people can go and find it and how else can they reach you?
Speaker 2:Okay. So the book is. I Think I Want Out what to Do when One of you Wants to End your Marriage. It's for people that can also just thinking they might be unhappy in their marriage. It'd be the perfect book for you and it's available at all booksellers like Barnes, noble, amazon, and it's in Kindle format and hard copy and audio book and, fortunately for y'all, I do read the audio book. If you don't like my voice, get the Kindle. The other thing is is I am so mad about how our culture lets us down, about teaching us how to be healthy as adults and healthy in relationships, that I'm an angry blogger and I blog prolifically on the medium platform teaching everybody everything I know about relationships, and so you'll find me on the Medium platform at Dr Becky spell out Dr Becky or Becky Whetstone and then my website is marriagecrisismanagercom and you can contact me through that. And don't ever confuse me with the Dr Becky, who is the child psychologist, please.
Speaker 1:Good to know You're going to go to. It's a marriagecrisismanagercom and are you currently taking on clients? If someone is? Out there right now and they're listening and they're like oh my gosh, I need Dr Becky. She's exactly what.
Speaker 2:I need Great. I see adult individuals and I see couples. You don't have to be in marriage crisis to see me.
Speaker 1:And you take clients online and all types.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. You can go to my website right now and purchase a session with me, and we'll probably meet within a week.
Speaker 1:Perfect. If you are out there right now and you are in a place where you are just feeling like your marriage is at that crisis moment, I highly recommend going to Dr Becky's website. It was marriagecrisismanagercom. Go there, check her out, get the book, read her blogs. I'm going to go and read those blogs because I love me a good, feisty, frustrated woman and like the systems that hold us back always really gets me going. So I love that so much. And, dr Becky, thank you so much for coming on today's podcast. I hope to have you back again one day and I hope you have a beautiful day.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. I so appreciate it. Bye everybody.
Speaker 1:All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed this conversation as much as I did. Isn't Dr Becky just freaking amazing? I could have talked to her for just hours afterwards. I wanted to pick her brain about so much. I was so grateful that she took the time to come on to the podcast and tell us all about her expertise, tell us about what she knows, tell us about her own life experience and what to do when you are in that marriage crisis.
Speaker 1:So if you're out there right now and again you are in a relationship where you feel like you are at crisis mode, just remember that there's a lot we can do to fix that. Remember that all it takes is one person to get into their secure nature and it has the potential to level up the entire family. So keep that in mind as you are working through your own attachment styles, as you are working through your own healing journey, that we don't have to focus on everyone else around us. We are going to focus internally now and from that we are going to level up. So again, if you're out there right now and you're thinking, I really, really want to heal Jen, I just don't know where to get started, then I highly highly suggest you come and join our free Facebook community. You can go on there and search for Speak Honest, secure Communication for Women, or go ahead and scroll on down to the show notes.
Speaker 1:Right now, just go, scroll, go on. I want to see you scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. Click on that link and join the Facebook community. You're going to answer a couple questions, we're going to let you write in and then we're going to say hi and you're going to get invested with other women that are going through what you are going through, because, girl, you are not alone and you are not meant to do this alone. We are here for you. We got you Now. I will speak with you all next week. Take care, as we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there, and please remember to rate, review and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.
