Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
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Speak Honest Podcast: Real Talk on Relationships, Attachment Styles & the Work of Healing Childhood Trauma
69. Why Do I Always Feel Like It’s My Fault? | Coaching Call with Lisa
Ever feel like you’re always the one being blamed? Whether it’s your partner, a friend, or even your family, you keep ending up in situations where you’re walking on eggshells, questioning your every move, and wondering, “Am I the problem?”
In this raw and emotional coaching call with my client Lisa, we dig into the sneaky patterns that keep women stuck in blame cycles. You’ll hear how childhood wounds shape the way we show up in adult relationships, why breaking free feels so hard (but so worth it), and what it takes to start believing deep down that you’re not the problem—you’re the woman who’s ready to change the story.
You might want to listen if:
- You’ve ever been blamed for something you didn’t do
- You constantly feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough” in relationships
- You struggle to believe you’re worthy of safe, loving spaces
- You’re tired of feeling like you have to make yourself smaller just to keep the peace
- You want to learn how to break free from patterns of self-blame and guilt
FIND OUT MORE!
- Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
- Join our FREE Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
- Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
- Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
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- Download your free Workbook: Dance of Attachment
- Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from th...
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach, and today I get to share a powerful coaching call with a client of mine named Lisa. Now, lisa's been a part of our community for quite a while now and she reached out because she needed a little extra support around something she's been struggling with. What came up in this session is something I think a lot of you will be able to relate to. Now, this is a heavy topic and it brings up a lot of emotions, and I just want to say that's okay. In fact, I think it's beautiful. Feeling things deeply means we're actually processing, and that's where the healing starts. Now, quick heads up Lisa and I recorded this in her car because it was the safest place for her to be. But that means that the audio isn't exactly the best, but this conversation is so rich and so real that I knew I still wanted to share it here on the podcast, because I truly believe that her story will resonate with so many of you, and if you've been thinking I could really use a session like this, jen, then let's do it. I'd love to coach you and I'd love for you to be featured on the podcast. So just scroll on down to the show notes or head to speak-oddicecom slash podcast to apply to be on the show. If it feels like your story could help inspire other women, then this is the time to do it and you and I will have a 30 minute free coaching call and in the end, if we feel like this is something that's going to help uplift other women, then we're gonna feature your podcast here on the end. If we feel like this is something that's going to help uplift other women, then we're going to feature your podcast here on the episode, which is just a beautiful community-based effort for all of us to lift each other up in healing.
Speaker 1:But now, as you listen to my coaching call with Lisa. I want you to be thinking about this. Where in your life are you chronically blaming yourself? Where in your life are you chronically blaming yourself? Where do you keep repeating the same pattern over and over again, even though deep down, you know that this isn't for you and what might be holding you back from breaking free from that pattern? I want you to keep all of that in mind with my coaching call with Lisa. Hey, lisa, thank you so much for coming on to the podcast. What can I do for you today? How can I help?
Speaker 2:Hey, jen, you know a little bit about my background. I'm in a situation right now where I'm living with a friend and there's been some stuff that's happened and I don't feel safe staying there anymore. I have options. Some of them aren't good. Some of them mean going back to my husband.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we don't want to do that, do we?
Speaker 2:No, because he won't even. You know. I asked him. I said he wants to work things out. Okay, fine, we're working it out. Can we turn the tiny shed into a tiny home? He goes no, there's no sense in there. If you can't stay at home, then you don't need to be here anyway.
Speaker 1:So let's look at this. So I know that you recently moved out with your husband.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And that was a huge deal, that was a life-changing, so proud of you moment. Oh my gosh, it can't even like yes, like girl power. So proud of you and you moved in with a friend.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then your friend, stuff is going on and it doesn't seem to be going the way we had hoped.
Speaker 2:No, I mean the finger's getting pointed at me and I just I don't. I don't understand why. You know, yeah, it came up missing, but you automatically assume that I did it.
Speaker 1:Right, and so you're getting blamed for something that you didn't do Right, and I wanted to ask if you can see the correlation between when you were living with your husband or ex-husband, now separated. Oftentimes, he would blame you for a lot of things too, wouldn't he? Yes, yeah, and it seems like this is happening again, isn't it? Yeah?
Speaker 2:Seems like that's the story of my life. Yeah, I guess I attract the wrong people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's not your fault, it's just what happens. I mean, if we dug deeper, lisa, I'd have a sneaking suspicion that you probably got blamed for a lot of stuff as a kid.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, why not? And that's not your fault. It's not your fault at all. This is what happens. This is part of our upbringing, this is part of those attachment patterns that we talk about sometimes, and so if, as a kid, you were chronically blamed for doing something that wasn't your fault, you're going to seek that out as you get older, and you're going to seek it out even in these tiny little ways, like your friendships or your friend's husbands or your coworkers. It's wild how it happens, isn't it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I've never really put that together like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what I'm so proud is that, as you're coming and you're talking to me, you're not asking me hey, jen, I'm getting blamed for something, how can I stand up for myself, or not even like that. But what I mean is, how can I explain myself to this person? How can I make myself smaller so they keep me? What I love seeing right now is that you're asking how do I get out again?
Speaker 2:Right yeah.
Speaker 1:You're still breaking patterns. Do you see how great you're doing?
Speaker 2:Yes, it doesn't feel great all the time, but yeah, I guess.
Speaker 1:That's fair. It does not feel great, does it?
Speaker 2:No, it's not going to feel great in the moment and I'll probably be happy about it later down the road. You know I'll be like oh, I see it now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So until you see it, I just wanted to showcase it for you Because sometimes, when we're in the middle of these big, big things happening, we don't actually see how far along we've come, and so I just want to make sure that I put a mirror up to that for you. You see it, make sure that I put a mirror up to that for you. You see it, you're stopping it and you're going to probably have to stop it more. It's going to keep happening because you're unbreaking decades of patterns. It's honestly, it's a lot of times, lisa, why people don't do it. Can you see why they just like give in?
Speaker 2:Because it's hard.
Speaker 1:It's so hard. You're doing one of the hardest things in the world. It's not going to be easy.
Speaker 2:It hasn't been Not a single day Like the other day. I couldn't stop crying. I'm like, why, like, how bad of a person had I been in a past life, or something that?
Speaker 1:Do you hear the subtle blame in that question? Yeah, what kind of a bad person did I have to be to deserve this? Oh, no, no, no, hon, that's not you. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. Do you even hear that that's you blaming you for something that wasn't your fault? Yeah, we're not going to do that anymore.
Speaker 2:right, I'm going to try not to Can't make any promises.
Speaker 1:Well, you're going to keep doing it. Listen, I do it to myself all the time, but when you're around me, I'm going to knock it out us, okay, okay.
Speaker 2:That works for me.
Speaker 1:Let's try something together.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Tell me something. Let's see If you believe that you had done something terrible in your life for this in order to happen to you. I want to ask you a question what was the first time you felt that feeling of being blamed for something?
Speaker 2:I was probably 13, maybe younger, but I don't remember that far back.
Speaker 1:So can you picture a 13-year-old girl in your mind right now, Like do you know a 13-year-old or been around one recently?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, kind of like that young teenage, not quite a 16-year-old, still kind of young.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Now if something bad happens to this teenage girl, is it her fault?
Speaker 2:No. If somebody hurt her or somebody when that 13-year-old is hurt and she tells who she's supposed to tell and nothing happens. You get told it. You know You're the person that caused it. If I went and walked around in this or you went and walked around in that, you wouldn't have got that attention.
Speaker 1:Right, do you hear how they blame us as women?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Do you hear that? Maybe if they weren't assholes and looking at us that way, this wouldn't happen either. We should be allowed to wear whatever the fuck we want to wear.
Speaker 2:Right. It doesn't always happen that way, though, does it?
Speaker 1:No, it doesn't. And then you know what they do when they make a shitty decision. Who do they blame?
Speaker 2:Us Exactly.
Speaker 1:Exactly so. If a girl is walking around and whatever she wants to be wearing this 13-year-old girl is walking around, she feels good, she's loving her life and something happens to her, are we going to sit there and blame her? Are we going to hold the person accountable who hurt her?
Speaker 2:You would hope that we would hold the person accountable. I would.
Speaker 1:Let's say it's me and you. Let's just say it's just me and you. And we see a 13-year-old girl getting hurt and she tells us about it. What are we going to do?
Speaker 2:Well, the proper thing to do would be to call the cops. What I would do is a totally different story.
Speaker 1:Maybe you and I go get some shovels.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there we go. That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, maybe you and I do something a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it'd be a little bit different, I mean listen.
Speaker 1:If they can blame us, we can.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we can Well you know, if it's my fault, I'm going to go ahead and take care of it.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly. Well, you know, if he wasn't such an asshole then maybe I wouldn't have hit him upside the head with a shovel. Oops, right, because it's not okay. No, it's not, and I know it's not. No, it's not. Yeah, what's coming up for you right now? A little bit of relief.
Speaker 2:I just wanted to stop. You know what I mean. I'm every bot.
Speaker 1:Those are going to happen for a little while longer, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's just part of our body having a process. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be fun, but every time they come up, I just want you to know that it's just part of the process and that you're safe and that you did nothing wrong. Can you do that for yourself? When they come up, can you just maybe put a hand on your heart and you just say, oh, there it is again, okay, and then you just kind of breathe through it and you let it go, let it come up and out.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:It's not your fault and you did nothing wrong. Just keep repeating that to yourself. Okay, do you want to try it right now with me? Do you want to try putting a hand on your?
Speaker 2:heart and trying it Okay.
Speaker 1:Would you feel comfortable saying it out loud to give it a try?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's not my fault. It's not my fault. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.
Speaker 2:I did nothing wrong.
Speaker 1:That big feeling you're having with that is just your little girl, so grateful. Someone is finally seeing her. It is not your fault, it's not my fault and you did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. How are you feeling right now?
Speaker 2:About the same A little bit lighter.
Speaker 1:Okay, good, a little bit lighter. So with that lightness, I want to shift gear slightly to talking about where to live, because if we have the energy going into this that this is not your fault and you did nothing wrong slightly. To talking about where to live, because if we have the energy going into this that this is not your fault and you did nothing wrong, then you can see that you just deserve a better place to live. And hopefully, with that energy through each time, maybe we have to go through this lesson a couple more times. I have no idea. Sometimes it's annoying, it takes a while, but let's try the next place. Maybe it gets a little bit better. And where else, what are your options? Do you want to talk through this?
Speaker 2:I. Maybe it gets a little bit better. Okay, and where else, what are your options? Do you want to talk through this?
Speaker 2:I can stay where I'm at because Rochelle says she doesn't believe that I took anything. Oh good, she has that doubt because she texted someone and that someone showed me the text and so said that she was on the verge of having me leave it because of what's going on. And I was like, and then she came to me and said something completely different, that she wasn't. You know, she believed that I didn't take it and she trusts me. But she's two-sided on that flip point, you know. And then I can go to my husband, but he wants me not to live in a plane shed. He wants to work things out the way he wants to work them out. So it remains the same. And then I have a client which I know this is not good etiquette for my business, but she's an older lady and I help her out a lot. I help her out and don't charge her. She told me the other day that if I needed a place to stay, that I could stay with her for a while.
Speaker 1:Well, that's lovely.
Speaker 2:I thought it was very nice. It is very nice. Well, that's lovely.
Speaker 1:I thought it was very nice. That is very nice, Actually. Talk me through that. Let's be radical here. Tell me why that might not be good business.
Speaker 2:Well, it's not good business. Because what? Because it's a normal thing for me. Something always happens. It never changes. Something bad always happens. Somebody winds up hating me or disliking me, or you know, I do something to piss someone off. It's just the way my life has been. Yeah.
Speaker 1:What if we're changing that now? Just what if Just throw it out there? What if, yeah, you're different now, because you know now it's not your fault and you did nothing wrong and you know, moving forward, you're going to surround yourself, maybe these people who blamed you and got mad at you and all this stuff. Those are just part of your patterns, right, but what if we broke that pattern? And what if you went to the space and it was safe and loving and kind?
Speaker 2:And it would be. I know it would be what would happen. I'd probably heal more, yeah.
Speaker 1:And like, yeah, we have these ideas of what ethics are for business and all of this stuff.
Speaker 2:But like who decided those Right?
Speaker 1:What if our world was a more community? What if we could offer this up more?
Speaker 2:I think it would be a lot better place to live. There'd be a lot less people like me.
Speaker 1:Feel that energy, as you just said that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We want to create that environment of a better place to live. So the Lisas and the little Lisas and the 13-year-olds, they have safe spaces to go, not places of blame right.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah. So let's say, you try it out with this woman and it doesn't work out, then what? Then I don't know what.
Speaker 1:Then we try one more thing and we keep going, because you have kept going your whole life, so I know you can do this.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I told her that she had to talk because she's been estranged from her family for a little bit and they've just gotten reunited. They're talking and spending time together and I asked her. I said I would love to take you up on this opportunity, but I need to make sure that your family is going to be okay with this, Because they just, like I said, just got reunited and I don't want to be the one to come between that. I don't want to be the reason they get pissed off at her.
Speaker 1:Well, can I challenge that? Lisa Uh-huh, Can you hear the blame in that?
Speaker 2:I do.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do.
Speaker 1:If they get pissed off at her because you're there, is that your fault? No, are you in the wrong?
Speaker 2:No no.
Speaker 1:No, let's let them make their life choices. But it's not your fault and you did nothing wrong.
Speaker 2:It's not my fault that I did nothing wrong.
Speaker 1:This is going to be your mantra for the next couple months, because all of the choices you're making right now are stemming from that belief that it's your fault, that you did something wrong, that you're to blame. Do you hear all of that?
Speaker 2:I do. I've never heard it before.
Speaker 1:And that belief is going to hold you back from being in safe spaces, because it might prevent you from staying in a safe space for fear that this one place that actually makes you feel safe. You don't want to fuck that one thing up, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's about where I am with this, yeah.
Speaker 1:Let's throw caution to the wind. Let's test it.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Because you deserve safety. I kind of believe that, yeah, yeah, and you're not going to believe it after this one conversation with me. Right, we'll keep doing the Wednesday support sessions together. You keep coming in, you see it. You can see it in the other ladies. If you looked at any of those other ladies on those Wednesday support sessions, you would know that they deserve happiness and safety and support too, don't they?
Speaker 2:Yes, they do.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:They're very supportive group.
Speaker 1:I love them, yeah, and they love you, and it's such a beautiful community and you would never look at those women like, well, it's your fault, or you suck, or you're to blame and it's not yours. So I love this idea. Maybe this is something. What would be your next step? So, as we're wrapping up here today, what would be your next step in moving out of this one friend's house and maybe into a safer space?
Speaker 2:Waiting until after she talks to her family on the weekend, when they're. I really do want her to talk to her. It's like she said she can make her own decision. I understand that I said, but I guess, from my mindset, I guess I need to know that they're okay.
Speaker 1:And that's good and then moving forward, I want you to trust that If she says they're okay, trust it.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Even if something happens. Listen, lisa, I'm annoying as crap sometimes, right, I'm loud, I'm boisterous. Sometimes I jump into rooms with all of my energy and people are like, oh my God, chill out, girl, right, like who cares? It's me, it's who I am. Now, it's not. If they don't like that, that's not my fault, it's not my problem. So you're going to go and you're going to go be with this friend and this client and you guys are going to get along and there's going to be safety. And, yeah, maybe every once in a while someone might be annoyed with you. They don't like you perfectly, it's okay, they don't have to. You be your best self. You're kind, you're loving, you're caring. Those are the things that make you you, and so long as you keep showing up as your best self in your life, that's all that matters, and anyone else can take or leave you.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:How's that landing when I say it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, skeptical.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's fair. I love the honesty of that. Yes, I'll just keep repeating it to you until it starts landing, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right. Well, as we're wrapping up here, is there any other questions you have last minute or any other thought process?
Speaker 2:No, that was the major one that I've got going on. Right now, my main issue, the living spot All right.
Speaker 1:So it sounds like we're just waiting to hear back from the family and then maybe we'll start making that decision. How does that feel in your body when you think about moving out and into this other place?
Speaker 2:That I'll be safe.
Speaker 1:That's beautiful. And what does that safety feel like in your body? Tingling, yeah, I want you to keep holding on to that tingling, safe feeling, because you deserve it okay.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:All right, lisa, thank you so much for coming on and being vulnerable, and I appreciate you so much. Have a beautiful day, okay. All right, you too. Wow, that was just such a beautiful call. If you're anything like me, you probably felt something stir during that conversation with Lisa, whether it was that familiar pull towards self-blame or the fear of making wrong choices, or maybe it was just the weight of wanting to be chosen but not knowing how to choose yourself. I just want you to know you're not alone these moments. This is the work, and it's so brave to even begin noticing your patterns, let alone shifting them, and that's what Lisa's doing and that's why I'm so proud of her.
Speaker 1:Now, if this episode hit home for you and you're craving support like this, I want to personally invite you to apply for a free coaching call with me. We'll dive into what's really going on in your relationships and if it feels like your story could help other women too, we'll air it right here on the podcast. Now, remember, you can apply by just scrolling down to the show notes and hitting apply for free coaching with Jen, or head over to speak-honestcom slash podcast. I'd love to support you Now, as always. Thank you so much for being here with us, for listening, for opening up your hearts, for being a part of this community and for loving on each other.
Speaker 1:I will speak with you all next week. Take care, as we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.
