59. Why He Won’t Listen & What to Do About It | Coaching Call with Ann

Ever feel like no matter what you say, it’s always wrong in his head? You’re not alone. In this coaching call, Ann opens up about the struggles of feeling unheard, walking on eggshells, and dealing with a partner who flips at the slightest misstep. We dive deep into why this happens, the cycle of control and avoidance, and the hard truth about setting boundaries when someone refuses to take accountability. If you’ve ever felt stuck in a relationship where love exists but respect doesn’t, this episode is for you.

You might want to listen if:

• You feel like your partner never really hears you
• You’re constantly shutting down to keep the peace
• Your partner’s moods control the entire relationship
• You struggle with trust after betrayal
• You want to set boundaries but don’t know where to start

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes fr...

Transcript

 Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend, get ready for practical tips, empowering truths and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.  

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. On today's episode, I had the pleasure of chatting with Ann. Now Ann is a client of mine and she's been in and out of the community for a little bit and I've been helping her through some of the relationship struggles she's been having with her husband.

Well, she really wanted to dive in today, but what can she do to get him to hear her more? But as you can see throughout our conversation, we uncover that there's so much more underneath the surface than just what's on top of the iceberg, so to speak. And so you get to hear a little bit more about that in the episode.

But before we get started, I just want to remind you that if you have a relationship struggle or maybe a personal issue that you're dealing with and you want some one on one coaching help, I would love to have you on the podcast. Go ahead and scroll on down to the show notes and click on apply for a podcast coaching call.

Now, the greatest thing about these coaching calls is that they're completely free to you and you apply so we can see if you would be a good match for a podcast coaching call. And then what we'll do is we'll reach out to you and then you and I are going to have a 30 minute conversation. And if we decide that it's a great episode, like today's episode with Ann, then you're going to be featured on our podcast.

And this works out really well. I've been actually hearing a lot of feedback lately that the women love this because once their episode drops, they get to relisten to it and they get to hear in their own words what they said to me again. And being able to hear themselves speak and by listening again to the advice and the help and the coaching that I give them, it helps really reinforce this in their minds. 

And so it's an amazing, amazing opportunity to have. So we'd love to have you on, scroll on down, click on the link, apply for the podcast, and let's get you the help that you need. But now as you are listening to the podcast, I want you to really check in with yourself and see if any of what Anna's talking about resonates with you.

So some of the things you're going to notice are communication struggles. Do you ever feel like no matter how you try to communicate, your partner just isn't listening? Or how about feeling unheard or invisible? Do you ever feel like your emotions don't matter or that you're shut down when you try to express yourself?

A couple of the other things that we talk about are trust issues. Are there unresolved betrayals or dishonesty in your relationships, leaving you to question everything? Because as you hear in my coaching call with Ann, until we deal with these trust issues, it's near to impossible to deal with the communication struggles. And so all of this is what I want you to keep in mind as you're listening to my conversation with Ann

Jenn Noble 

Hi, Ann, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story. How can I help?

Ann 

Thank you for having me. I have issues with communication and being heard. Doesn't matter how I come about it, it's always wrong in his head. So that's my problem. I want to be heard. I want my feelings to be important. and I feel like they're not. But like when he's a good frame of mind, he's excellent, he's charming, he's great. But soon as I say one wrong thing, he just flips on me. And I don't know how to stop that. It's very, very hard, very hard to change that around.

Jenn Noble 

That can be one of the hardest things. We can definitely work through some techniques, but the unfortunate thing is, I say this often, but we can't control what someone else is doing, right? And I know we know that. I know you and I have talked about this before and stuff too, but what I mean is I can tell you every perfect thing to say, even for him. But if he decides that day, you know, to be a grumpy little butthole, then...

That's gonna be on him. So there's two ways to go about this. One, we can get really, really secure in the moment. So when he is a grumpy little butthole, we say, okay, babes, I'm not dealing with this today. Or we can have that conversation with him to say how much it hurts you, but I don't know if you guys are in the place where he would hear that. What do you think?

Ann 

He's all about himself. When things are not, in his head, when things are not good with me and him, it's all about him. My feelings are just, they don't exist.

Jenn Noble 

So what do you do in that moment when that's happening?

Ann 

I shut down, I don't know, like all of what he's feeling, bounces on to me, which I hated. I don't like that part of it. I want to be able to separate that, you know, but I feel his feelings and I can't help it. It's just.

Jenn Noble 

Yeah. Do you know if I say, it sounds like you're an empath or like a highly sensitive person, do you know what that means when I say that? Yeah. That is the downside of being that I'm the same way. I can feel people's feelings. When we, yeah, when we are this way though, we need to be extra, extra, extra diligent on protecting our bubble.

So what we could do is maybe get you some techniques, some grounding techniques, some anchoring techniques. So when his feelings are coming back at you, you have a bubble in place that they're not gonna hit you. So now you're able to filter out what you can take and what you can't take. So you know you're not responsible for his feelings. Because if I tell you that right now, you're not responsible for his feelings. What comes up for you when I say that?

Ann 

Not much. There's too much going on in my head to even go there. Yeah, to process it. Yeah.

Jenn Noble

To even process that, yeah. Tell me a little bit what's going on in your head. Tell me more what's going on in your head. Let's pull some of it out so maybe we can find some space.

Ann

it's mostly, just want my marriage to be better. We've been married for how forever. We've been together for a long time. there's times when I don't even know him. there's stuff that happened in our life and fidelity and I can't get it out of my head. It just, it comes, it comes.

A lot less than he used to. He's been back with me for two and a half years. I still feel responsible part of that. I can't keep bringing it up because it changes his personality. He's like a jack-o-lan-hide. If I bring anything, he doesn't want to think about what he did and he knows he did something wrong and be bringing it out.

Jenn Noble

Yeah, so right there, can I stop down there with you? So right there is a perfect example. You have every right to bring up anything it is that you want. If there was infidelity in the relationship, which it's sounding like, you know, he cheated on you with someone else, then that's a break of trust within your relationship. We obviously don't want, we don't want to hang it over his head. We don't want to bring it up, but you have a right.

I'll start over in a second, it's fine. You have every right to be able to bring up when you are still confused about something, hurt about something, upset about something. If he gets upset by that, that's his to deal with. That's what I mean by you are not responsible for his reaction. Now, I understand that his reaction probably hurts you, but so does not talking about it, doesn't it? So you're kind of in like a cycle where you can't get out.

Ann

He said he will not admit to anything, so there's no honesty there. And I know what happened. We had issues and he moved out and he moved out in her place. They started as friends, roommates and roommates with benefits, which I know for the fact, I'm not imagining it. They did everything together. He met her family. She never met my family, but he met her family, her friends. They went together everywhere. So everywhere I went with him, that's where she was. So.

Jenn Noble

And he is not admitting to this affair, is that correct?

Ann 

Yeah, they were just friends. So that hurts. mean, know that honesty, honesty hurts also, but at least somebody's being honest. And I caught him and lie so many times. Are you contacting her? He's denying it. I don't know lately. I'm not sure. he's very protective of his phone. a little bit less lately, but

Jenn Noble 

So let me make sure that I'm understanding this correctly. I mean, I wanna repeat back to you what I'm hearing is a couple of years ago, he moved out and he started living with a woman and you know for a fact that he was sleeping with her or other things going on. And more than that, emotional as well, going to visit her family. But when he came back to you, he never admitted to this, is that right?

Ann

Yep. Yes. No, and he never stopped, so he was still seeing her.

Jenn Noble

Well then I'm gonna have to ask you a hard question because moving on in the relationship and trying to get him to hear you might not be the biggest struggle that we have right here. Because how can you get someone to hear you if they're not even being honest with you?

Ann

I'm just thinking maybe he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. So, yeah. Yeah. So I don't know how to fix that part of it. Every once in a while it comes to my head and I can't shake it because he's talking about how he was cooking, how he was traveling, how he was doing this and that. And that's where, yeah, you and her.

Jenn Noble

Okay, is he hurting your feelings though? Yeah. Yeah. Did the two of you ever get any, sorry, yeah, did the two of you ever get any couples counseling after, because if he moved out as well, that sounds like there was a rupture in the relationship. What was the move out about?

Ann 

He was always on me for hoarding. I have too much stuff. I admit that everything is organized in containers or whatever. It's not like my house is trashed. It's just got too much stuff and he wanted me to clean that out. So he got fed up with asking and asking and asking and then he just moved out. He says, I can't do this. I'm going to come back if you clean up.

Jenn Noble 

He just moved out.

Ann 

So for a while it was, I thought he was living with a guy friend. I didn't think he moved in with a girl.

Jenn Noble

Okay, so he moved out. And then when he came back, did you guys have a conversation about him coming back? Did he, had you cleaned up stuff around the house? Like what was the catalyst that had him move back?

Ann

I promised I was going to clean up and I didn't finish it yet. Still, I'm just having a hard time with all of that.

Jenn Noble

Beautiful. So in his mind, you were doing something that he didn't like. Okay. And you in order, I could say that. And also I could say, we could also say he set a boundary. He said, clean this up or I'm gone. So he left. So let me turn that around and ask you a question. There is something he is doing that you do not like. He cheated on you and he will not talk to you about it.

Ann

Yep. So he punished me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But, and he kept in touch with her also.

Jenn Noble

He will not be honest with you. So what are you? Yeah. So this is where, and this is going to be a hard, this is hard. This is big. This is a big conversation. There's going to be bigger than this one conversation we're going to have. But the real question again here is what do you want and what boundaries can you set in place to start getting that? Because we can't control him. He's not going to listen. He's going to keep blowing up and he's not going to be honest if there's no consequence to him.

Jenn Noble 

Now I heard you say it's he punished you and I just want to challenge that, that I still don't necessarily see it as a punishment. And it's more of a personal boundary that he moved out. So what boundaries have you been setting in place for to say to him, this is what I need, this is what I want. And if I don't get this, then what? Have you been able to do that?

Ann 

Well, I told him you need to end it with her. You need to end everything with her. But he's saying he's a nice guy. He can do that. If she wants to talk, he answers. He's not the one initiating all that. But I mean, how long he's going to keep that up? Is it still going on? I can't even ask that question.

Jenn Noble 

Right. Well, let me ask you, if he had never moved out, would you have any incentive to start cleaning the house?

Ann

I would if I had a little bit of support. if you see me, so if you see me that I'm doing something, this is what I told him exactly. I said, if you see, have a couple of garbage bags full. I put them in my car and I delivered them for donation. Can't you give me something for that? Like she'll say, yeah, keep it up. Don't stop. Give me something positive, not negative that's not he tells me that's nothing. You need more. So like, where's the positive? This is this is where you kind of lose it. You don't want to do it anymore. You just stop.

Jenn Noble

Yeah, I mean, I gotta ask you the hard question, Ann, what keeps you in this relationship? If he cheated on you, he's not telling you the truth, he's still talking to her, he puts you down, he's not helping, he's not supporting, you gotta tell me what you love about him or else I'm gonna sit here and be like, okay, what are we doing?

Ann

We do stuff together. He takes me out. We go for dinners. go for like today we went for a long walk to the beach. We came home. We were all happy. We worked out. That's what we're doing. We're working out.

He sees something that I like, he wants to buy it for me in a restaurant, like a dessert or whatever. We travel together, we do stuff together, we're together a lot. There's times when he wants to go out and he goes out. That's where I get a little bit of stress, antsy and anxious because I don't have the trust.

Jenn Noble

And you have every right not to have the trust, here's, yeah, here's the cycle. How do you get more trust? There's two ways we can get more trust here. So I love this. One would be having to have that conversation with him, but we can't seem to do that.

So that's the first option is going to be having the conversation with him. That's what I would recommend. But if he's not going to be a part of that, then if your choice and your decision is to stay in this marriage, then you are going to have to get extra secure and you're going to have to find the trust within yourself. Or you're just going to have to be okay if he is still seeing her or if he is still having that affair.

Ann

I don't think he's having an affair. I'm thinking there's maybe texts here and there, or maybe there's none. I don't know. I don't have any proof. For the last six months, I don't have any proof.

Jenn Noble

And you never will. That's the trust. That's what I mean by trust. It's like inner trust. It's inner security. It's knowing that you love him. And you guys have an entire life together, like you said, decades together. And sometimes in these relationships, this is really hard to hear sometimes, especially hard for other people to see when they're looking in. But sometimes we're in such a deep relationship with someone that we are able to just kind of trust them while letting them have their life and then we enjoy the things we enjoy about them. But if I tell you right now, he's not gonna change. Then what? What are we going to do next?

Ann

Wow. Been so long I have never been with anyone so I don't even know where to go from here. The problem is I love him I already told him the problem is that I love you otherwise I'd be gone long time ago.

Jenn Noble

Yeah, and the thing with love is, love is important and love is special, but love is not enough. There's so much more to a relationship.

Ann

Yeah, no, no, he's, he's, he's, he's controlling a lot controlling like so many ways like, you know, just like, I want things this way. And that's it. That's the law.

Jenn Noble

And what happens if you don't do it that way?

Ann

He flips out. It doesn't make sense.

Jenn Noble

Yeah. Is that the type of, I know. And I'm going to go back to asking the question. think this is beautiful because sometimes this is part of the process. It's just pendulating between asking the questions is, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who's controlling?

Ann

Yeah, he was never like that before. Now that he's older, I don't understand. I don't get it. He was more flexible before he heard me, you know. There's stuff that I'm missing from him and I'm not getting it. So I'm not sure what I'm doing.

Jenn Noble 

It's gotten worse. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's remember first and foremost, moving forward, what are the things that we can control? Let me ask you that question. What can you control?

Ann

Kind of lost. What can I control? boy, how much?

Jenn Noble

Let's say there's one big thing I'm thinking about right now. What can you control? You want me to give you a hint? It's you. You control you. So when he starts getting controlling, what do you normally do when he starts getting controlling?

Ann 

I try to keep peace.

Jenn Noble 

Okay. Yeah. I was like, do you blow up? it, does it make it worse or anything? Cause we have ways we can.

Ann 

I don't, I'm not the type that blows up unless you really push me. You gotta really push me hard for me to blow up. So.

Jenn Noble

Okay, so that's something we can control. We can control your actions, we can control your emotions, we can control parts of your life. What we cannot control is him. He will not change. Nothing we do or say can make him change. Now, we have phrases we can use that can maybe help him. But if he is, from the way it's sounding with the way he's acting, the way he kind of is getting whatever it is that he wants, and then he's coming back to you. And even a little bit the way he gives you things and buys you desserts and takes you out dancing and kind of showers you with love and gifts, it comes from a very grandiose place. Okay? Which means he's kind of in this power position within the relationship. And so again, when we get stuck in these cycles, there's two things we could do here. One, we learn to just be okay with it and be happy in this type of relationship. Or two, we learn how to remove ourselves. So between those two options, what's coming up for you in terms of which one would resonate more?

Ann Hmm. my gosh. I don't know. There's big, big, big mess in there. In my head. So much.

Jenn Noble

Well, that might be the start. It might be getting some help to help out with the big mess. Because what you're in right now is potentially even beyond my scope. Okay? And I'm a damn good relationship coach. But what you're dealing with is infidelity, betrayal, controlling this, slight narcissistic tendencies that I can tell. I'm not saying he's narcissist. I would never just, I can't diagnose people like that or anything, right? But I see the tendencies. I say the grandiose.

Ann 

So, yeah.

Jenn Noble 

tendencies. And the truth I just want you to hear is that you deserve more. You are a woman that deserves a happy life. And I'm, yeah, you do. And I see it in you when we talk.

Ann 

I feel like I do. So, I will. wanted to ask you something. Adult videos, I find it insult to me. So I caught him few times checking out young girls. I mean, we're at the age now and like, it just makes me feel very old when I see stuff like that. Taking screenshots of these girls' butts or boobs or whatever. I mean, come on, really? Is that normal? Is that like a normal feeling?

Jenn Noble

No, yeah. I will say everyone has their own, it can be, yes. I will say this, I'll just, I will say this, that everyone has their own personal preference when it comes to pornography and images online and the way people will interact with people. So that is decided upon between a couple within a relationship. So some people, perfectly fine with it. Like I have a client whose husband,

No problem. I have a client and she joins in with her husband to go watch pornography and they enjoy it together, right? You can see here how it's completely dependent. Now, if you're telling me you don't like it and you've asked him to stop and you guys can have a respect, I'm assuming this is not happening considering what I'm hearing for the relationship, but the way this would work is you say, hey, I'm feeling a little bit insecure because I'm noticing the types of girls that you're looking, can we have a conversation about this? And maybe he would say, oh, I really hear you. This is just something that I'm into right now. It's just kind of a kink I have. Right. Do you hear the difference of a conversation? Like if I was having a conversation with my husband and I look out on mine, he wants to watch porn. It doesn't bother me. What I'm not okay with is he can't follow people on Instagram. It grosses me out and it's not, it just is not my thing. And so we've talked about it.

But do you see how we're communicating securely back and forth as to what is allowed and not allowed and we're mutually respecting one another? So I agree with you that for you, it's not okay. But I do want you to know that it has nothing to do with you, that when a man is looking at pornography, it's a different part of his brain. It has nothing to do with his love for you.

Ann 

I know, but you know, when you walk into that and you see she's 30 years old and look at me like, I mean, is this what you want? Like.

Jenn Noble

I mean, first off, you're gorgeous. So just shut that down. Okay. Like you are amazing. But like, it doesn't even matter. Like I'm 40. And if there was, if even if women that are 40, you know, on these things are stunning, like I will never match up to anything like that. So it's, it's never just hear that for you real quick. Just a part of that. I will say I can hear that insecurity. And so we just want to, that's a limited belief. I'm not as pretty as she is.

Ann

So I know, but.

Jenn Noble

I'm not as young as she is. He likes her better than me. He's more attracted to her. Do you hear those beliefs? Those are stories. And I know you've been to some of my sessions and workshops. So you kind of understand what I mean when I say that. we'll just work on questioning. Do we know that it's true that she's prettier than you? No. In what way? You know what I mean? Like she doesn't have your fire. She doesn't have your feistiness. She doesn't have your beautiful eyes, right? Like this is, look.

Jenn Noble

Yeah, is she hot in a lot of ways? Yeah, but makeup can do great things for you and so can editing. Right? But it's not that she's prettier than you. This is just her job. This is just that woman's job. That's what she's built to do.

Ann

But the videos that you watch, the music videos, they're all.

Jenn Noble

Yeah, I mean, honestly, sometimes they're more dressed in a porn than they are on these music videos.

Ann

Why do, but why do I want to, I told him, said, I don't want to watch that. Why am I watching that? Why? I told him, said, I'm not, you want to watch it, watch it on your own, but I don't want to watch that. Especially.

Jenn Noble

Yeah. Well, and I see that's a beautiful boundary. let's say we're, yeah. I love that. But do see how we're Yeah, and that's a great boundary. You could watch it, but I don't want to see it. I think that's a really, that's one of, that's a healthy boundary.

Ann

I don't, don't, why do I want to watch? Why do I want to see that? Like, you know, I mean, I would like to look like that, but come on, you know, I don't. So.

Jenn Noble 

Some people like it. I'm just like, you should just say, if we're going to watch that, I need to see some 30 year old men that are very ripped and buff. I'm going.

Ann

That's what I said where I want to see some men, like, you know, my God, but there's no man. Another thing is, I don't know, for some reason, the intimacy is sometimes off the, like, totally. Don't know why. A little bit it's.

Jenn Noble

Is it like sometimes amazing and then sometimes not so amazing? Is that what I'm hearing? Okay. That.

Ann 

Yeah, yeah. There's times like, there's, there's certain touch that tells you, I want you. And there's certain touch you're questioning. So if I asked, what was that? He doesn't like it. He gets turned off. If you're touching me over the three covers, that doesn't tell me you want me, does it? Am I right?

Jenn Noble 

I'd say there's no right or wrong to this one. That's a communication thing.

Ann 

That's what I said, we need to communicate that part. If this is what you want, let me know you want it. No problem there.

Jenn Noble

I love this. I love this. I love this so much, And also that's a conversation that has had between a couple that already has a level of respect, communication and security. But remember what we talked about back in the beginning? You guys don't have that yet. So anything you say to him, yeah. Anything you say to him is gonna be perceived as a criticism.

Ann 

Communication sucks. Yep. And why, why is that when I say it in a nice way?

Jenn Noble 

Because, great, great question. Because in his mind, that's what he's hearing it as, because it's his way of kind of shutting down. So most likely in childhood for him, he was criticized a lot. He was put down a lot. And if ever it was that he did something wrong, he was most likely punished and potentially in some could be abusive ways if it's getting this bad.

And so what he's hearing when you say, well, what does that even mean? He's like, great, here it is. I did something wrong again.

Ann 

That's what he says exactly.

Jenn Noble

Okay, wow, yeah, that's fine. Cause I hear it a lot. So he's not alone on that. And if I was working with him, yeah, if I was working with him, right, I'd have some stuff to say to him to work on that, to be able to get better at it. But for what I'm understanding and hearing is he doesn't have a desire to work on that. He's just kind of having his cake and eating it too.

Ann 

I never do nothing.

Jenn Noble

So one of the things is I would recommend really coming to him from a place of your own feeling statements. There was a workshop we did last month that was about regulating, validating, and collaborating. And I bring that up because let's say he's touching you over the covers. So in that moment, instead of being like, well, what does this even mean, which is kind of like coming, or like, hey, what does this mean?

think you get an idea of it kind of what it means or you can kind of figure out what it might mean to you and you can say, Hey, like you could be playful about it. You could be flirty about it. This is only if you're in the right state of mind to do that. And we try not to. Yeah. Right. And you're right. And you're not because again, we're going to go all the way to the beginning, which is there's no respect, right? There's there's no love. There's no communication going on. I wouldn't say there's not love. Let me, I would like to rephrase that. It's the, there's a lot of disrespect.

Ann

Sometimes you're not.

Jenn Noble

contempt and resentment going on. So until that is resolved over here, all of the rest of this is just gonna go around in circles, always. So I could tell you, I could put little band-aids here and there for you. I absolutely can. I can say, well, how about next time he touches you on the covers, you just go with the flow and let's see where he wants to take it. You can always be talking to him in terms of positive feeling statements, like, I love that, that feels so good.

Jenn Noble

Thank you so much. yeah, is, yeah, that is, mean, yes, exactly. And if you are in a good, healthy, secure relationship, one where there wasn't resentment, there wasn't contempt, that he was equally respecting you as much as you were respecting him, then these conversations would come more naturally, right? This is typically what I want to teach someone, but.

Ann 

That's what he likes. Compliments. Ego boost. Whatever is good.

Jenn Noble 

I want to be very careful here, both to you and for anyone listening, that if you have someone in your life that is disrespecting you, that is shutting you out, that is putting you down, that is controlling you or not treating you with respect, that I want to be mindful that we're not just molding ourselves and making ourselves smaller for that. That's when we need to come back here to the beginning again. And what do we want? What boundaries do we have to set for that? And what hard decisions do we actually need to be making? And I know that's a lot more than I think either of us want to do right now, but that's where we have to start.

Ann

He's always like telling me how he loves me and gives me compliments. But going back to the compliments, I visualize her. I know what she looks like. And I'm like, hmm, I don't know what you call beautiful, really. But then you look at the young woman.

Jenn Noble

And again, because remember though, but remember to him, it's not necessarily the actual look. there seems to be, and this is beautiful, something for you to work on might be whatever beliefs you have around what women look like. Because to him, you are beautiful and I'm sure he does love you and it's not going to be because of anything out here. He probably, you know, and like even if he is looking at girls online or whatever it is, there's probably something else that's attracting him there.

Ann 

That's the inside.

Jenn Noble 

For a lot of people, outside looks are very subjective. They're just kind of like whether you're pretty or you're cute or...

Ann

But it's like, but how do you, you go with somebody that's totally opposite of what you like, but then you look at all these beautiful women with big hourglass shape and all that.

Jenn Noble 

There's fantasies. beautiful. So there's fantasies and there's, know, like I'm really attracted to like super built like buff men with like blonde hair and like tan. Okay, like really, I just think they're so attractive every time I see one, like a Ken doll. Do you know what I mean? My husband on the other hand, he, know, dark haired beard.

Ann 

I don't get it.

Jenn Noble

kind of chubby. Like that's how he describes himself. Nothing at all like my type, but I love him as a person and I, and I see what he does for me and I see how much he lights me up. And I'm, there's so much I'm sure you, you bring to your house and you guys have been together for decades. His, his tastes are going to ebb and flow, but it has nothing. That's the point I want to, I want to, I want to hit over the head here again, has nothing to do with you. And the fact that that's where your mind is going is pointing us to the limited belief that's holding you back. From realizing just how worthy you are, how beautiful you are, how enough you are. So that's where I would work on. I'd work on really processing through those limited beliefs. Yeah, yeah. know, and if you're...

Ann

I want to work on myself. Yeah, I know. I put myself down too. Yeah, so hard not to.

Jenn Noble

And even the way you talk about the other women, like, but like they have this and I don't have that. Like those are also the small ways in which we put ourselves down. I want you to see how amazing you are. And once you get there, once you really truly get your worth, once you start changing all of these labels, like I'm not pretty enough or I'm not worthy enough or I'm unlovable or this is all I'm ever gonna get. Once we switch all of those to see like, wait a second, I'm beautiful no matter what.

Like I'm worthy of respect and love and commitment and honesty. Once we really get you to that place and like, really think things are going to shift and maybe they shift with him too, or maybe that's the moment you realize you can do this.

Ann

I see a big change like when he came back, it was horrible. was so much work. It was stressful. was just, my gosh. So from then till now, it's a big, big change like in him. But it's, I got to dance his dance. That's the only way he's going to be happy. And he needs to be put on pedestal. I feel like you'll get a compliment him ongoing. don't know, is that a guy's thing or what it is? But they want to be steady, told about good stuff, positive stuff. He wants me to smile. He wants me to smile.

Jenn Noble

He's very grandiose.

I mean, wouldn't it be? Wouldn't it be great? mean, think about it. Like, think about it, though. Like, truly think about wouldn't it be great to be put up on a pedestal, to be never criticized, to be told how amazing you are, to be able to go out and do whatever you want to with any person, go have sex with anyone you want, go talk to anyone you want to live your life completely autonomous, do whatever it is you want, and also make sure everyone loves you in the process every single time and never critique you. That's what it is.

And until somebody says to him, no. Why would he think he doesn't have to just keep getting whatever he wants? It's like a toddler. He's acting like a toddler. And if you give a toddler everything they want every single time, they're going to throw a complete hissy fit the one time you take it away. But what do you have to keep doing? You have to keep taking it away, don't you? You have to keep telling them no. That's boundaries. And so as we wrap up today, because such a beautiful, powerful conversation we're having, I just want to know.

Jenn Noble

Any aha moments or anything you're really gonna take away from this conversation that you're gonna take moving forward? Maybe a boundary you wanna set or just a mindset shift you wanna take moving forward. What are you thinking?

Ann 

Mindset sounds good boundaries is another one i'm gonna work on that. There's so many things I've got to work on. I got to get all this garbage out of my head. You know, the way I'm thinking, the way it's going. There's a lot of times what I would like to change going back to him. But anyways, him being spaced out in his own space, unreachable, that part I want to kind of gone, but I didn't do that.

Jenn Noble

Nope, it's gonna, I'm telling you right now, it'll be there forever. It's just gonna be there. We gotta, the only way we can truly change ourselves is when we accept that everything around us is just gonna keep doing what it's gonna do. So my favorite quote, I might've shared this with you before, but my favorite quote is, the bird is not afraid of the branch breaking because she trusts in her own wings. And what I mean by that is to say he can space out.

He can look at whoever it is he's gonna look at. He can talk to whoever it is he's gonna talk to. And you are gonna make the decision in the moment what you want. And you're gonna learn how to set boundaries. And you're gonna learn that you're safe to do it because even if you say no to him and he blows up, you're okay. If you leave, you're okay. You're not too old to start over. You're, you know.

I'm tired of that kind of shit going on. You know, my mom's like 71. That woman just finally got herself a new boyfriend and she's like rocking it, right? Like, like there's always time. The only time there isn't time, I can say time 20 more times, is when we think we're stuck and you're not stuck. You only think you're stuck because we're stuck in the cycle. All it takes is one powerful moment to just jump out of that cycle. And maybe that's accepting him for completely who he is.

Maybe that's telling him no. Maybe that's walking away when he's treating you poorly. Maybe that's not accepting a gift because you're still mad at him and that's okay too. Whatever this looks like on you and I will keep exploring this together over time in the group. I'm here for you. I just want you to know that you're doing a beautiful job. I know that we have a couple other coaching calls as well that we can work on these with. And so that's what we're gonna do. And we're gonna take all this big mess in your head. Cause you're not alone with that. Mine used to look like a jumbled ball, like ball, like 30 balls of yarn.

Ann

Mm-hmm, no.

Jenn Noblejust all together and slowly over like five years, I've just like taken one out at a time and I didn't do it alone. I had a coach, I had a therapist, I had friends, I had a support group. There's no way we can do this alone, especially not as women. Women are our pack creatures. We're meant for community. We're meant for one another. So lean on us, okay? All right. All right. Well, thank you so much for coming on today and for your vulnerability and just for your...

Ann

Thank you.

Jenn Noble

awesomeness and everything that you're sharing and I know we're going to be able to get you through this. Okay.

Ann

Thank you, please.

Jenn Noble

All right. All right. We will, promise. All right. Take care.

Ann

Take care.

 Wow. What an amazing conversation I just had with Ann today. I am just so honored that she came on to share her vulnerability with all of us. And thank you so much to all of you for listening and for being a part of this community. If you're listening and you can relate to any of Ann's struggles, maybe it was feeling unheard or dealing with trust issues, maybe you've had betrayals in your relationships or navigating that emotional rollercoaster in your relationship, I just want to remind you that you're not alone in this.

There's always room to rebuild, to heal, and to set those boundaries that will help you create the kind of relationship I know you deserve. Now if you're ready to start that journey, make sure to check out the resources in the show notes. And if you haven't yet, I'd love for you to hit subscribe to this podcast so that way you don't miss a single episode because I want you all to remember how worthy you are of love, respect and happiness until next week. Take care. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today. Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there. And please remember to rate, review and subscribe. If you enjoyed today's podcast, your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest.