58. Is His Bad Mood Controlling Yours? How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Do you feel emotionally drained after every conversation with your partner? You’re not imagining it. When your boundaries are too permeable, you absorb stress, moods, and emotions that aren’t even yours. Leaving you exhausted and disconnected from yourself. In this episode, I’m breaking down why this happens, how it’s keeping you stuck, and how to start setting boundaries that protect your energy without shutting down or feeling guilty. Plus, I’ll give you practical scripts and tools so you can stop over-functioning in your relationships and start feeling lighter.

You might want to listen if:

• You leave conversations feeling anxious, even when you weren’t upset
• Your mood depends on how your partner is feeling
• You feel responsible for fixing his emotions or making him happy
• You constantly over-explain, over-apologize, and over-function in relationships
• You need a ton of alone time just to recover from your interactions

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes fr...

Transcript

 Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations.

Hello, everyone and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jenn Noble, your go to relationship coach. And on today's episode, we're going to be diving into boundaries and more specifically, I want to talk about permeable boundaries and how they leave you feeling drained in your relationships.

If you're constantly taking on your partner's emotions, then this episode is for you. And hey, if this topic hits home, then my relationship reboot program is designed to help you build stronger, healthier boundaries while protecting your energy without losing your empathy. Okay. I want you to hear that again.

Our goal here is to protect your energy without losing your empathy. Now, this is a monthly membership with a supportive community of women dedicated to healing. We have weekly coaching calls. Those happen on Tuesday and Thursday evenings and exclusive opportunities for one on one support. If this sounds like something you'd like to be a part of, I want you to scroll down to the show notes and there's a link there that you can check out more of the relationship reboot program. 

And if you're sitting there and you have questions and you're like, Jenn, I don't know if I want to join yet. Well, you could schedule a free attachment assessment with me. The link is also in the show notes. So go ahead and scroll down. You can get all the information right there. See, the goal here is to help you build the relationships that I know you deserve so you can show up as your authentic self and maintain your energy. All right. Now, with all that said, I want to get into how you can recognize and strengthen your boundaries without losing your empathy. 

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling completely emotionally wrecked? Even though you weren't the one who was even upset. If that does sound like you, then your boundaries might be too permeable.  I want you to think of your ego boundaries, like a screen door. If it's too open, anything flows through. You're taking on other people's stress, emotions, even their bad moods. And before you know it, you're carrying stuff that was never yours to begin with.  

Now on the flip side here, some people have these steel walls. We know these types of people. They have zero emotional access granted into their heart space.We don't want that either. Those are rigid boundaries. Now, most of us, especially women, are taught that being nice means absorbing everyone's emotions and taking on everything and figuring it out and, and really making the world run that way. We are conditioned to believe that if someone we love is struggling, it is our job to make it better.

It is our job to make them better.  And that is a lie. So I want to talk about a client that I had who could literally feel her partner's stress from across the room. Like they would be in completely different rooms. She'd be in the kitchen cooking. He'd be in the living room and she could just feel his stress.

If he was frustrated, she immediately started getting anxious. If he was in a bad mood, she would walk on eggshells all day. Now, does this sound familiar to you?  Because see, permeable boundaries, they aren't just about being too nice or people pleasing or all of that stuff. It's about not knowing where you end and someone else begins.

And now if this is you, let's talk about what it's actually doing to your mental and emotional health.  If you feel responsible for other people's emotions, if you're constantly monitoring how your partner feels, if he's upset and you feel like you need to fix it, if he's distant and then you start panicking, you take it personally, even when it has nothing to do with you. 

And the thing is, is you're over functioning in your relationships. If you're always in fix it mode, then congratulations, you're officially running on emotional overdrive. This looks like over explaining, over apologizing, over doing, and making sure everyone else around you is comfortable. The problem here, though, is that is at an expense of your own peace. 

The thing is, is if you keep doing this, you're going to become emotionally exhausted, taking on everyone's emotions 24 7, whether you realize you're doing it or not. Is gonna drain you. And of course you're drained. No wonder you need so much alone time to recover. No wonder it feels like you're never getting anywhere in life. If you're holding onto everyone else's emotions and thoughts and feelings around you, then how do you have any time for yourself? 

So one woman that I worked with, she said that she was fine. All day, every day, right? Every time she would come in and talk, how you doing? Oh, she's fine. She's fine. But then the second she got home. Her partner was in a bad mood and then boom, she started spiraling into anxiety and she couldn't figure out why. Like, Jenn, why do his emotions affect me so much? It's because she was carrying not only his emotions like a backpack, but her coworkers as well, and her friends and the people who texted her and her family members.

So by the time she got home to her partner, she had nothing left to give. This is why you feel burnt out in your relationships. It's not that you love too much. That's a little bit of a myth. It's that you don't have a filter for what is actually yours.  

So how do we fix this though? How do we become more emotionally guarded in a healthy way? So we're not setting those rigid boundaries like we talked about before, but that we're actually able to let people's emotions in and out as we need to. Well, let's talk about some solutions I want you to use the pause and ask rule.  

So before reacting to someone's emotions, I want you to stop and ask, is this mine to carry?  So just because he's frustrated, doesn't mean you have to be. We get to trust our partners to experience their emotions as they need to.

So for example, if your partner comes home stressed from work, instead of absorbing it and trying to make everything better by making the perfect meal or cleaning up around him, or maybe, you know, he was exhausted and so you're rushing around the house trying to clean it up, but the kids need your attention and you need to finish your work.

All of that is just wearing you down. So instead of absorbing all that, I want you to try this. I want you to say, “that sounds really tough. Do you want to vent or do you need space?”  And then right there, you get to be supportive without absorbing.  

Next, I want you to start setting some energy boundaries. Not every problem is your problem to solve. And trust me, I know girl, if you could solve all the problems. The world would be so much better because honestly you get shit done and you know how to do it and when you do it, it's get done's right and that's important to happen, but at the same time, what is it costing you. If you're not happy in your life, if you're not fulfilled, if you're not satisfied, if you're constantly feeling anxious, if you're feeling worn down. Then these are not your problems to solve. 

So I want you to remember, not every problem is your problem to solve. You can care about someone without carrying their emotional weight.  So I want you to try something like this. I love you. And I'm here for you. But I can't take this on right now.  I had a client and she had a pretty emotionally needy mother and it was really hard for her to be able to tell her mother this. But at some point in time, she had to say, “mom, I love you so much, but unfortunately I can't take this on right now. Can you please understand that?” And yeah, her mom got a little bit upset and she got a bit pouty, but that's okay. What's the alternative?

The alternative is this woman would burn out, blow up at her mother, and then the relationship would be disconnected anyways. So what you're doing by setting an energy boundary is you're actually loving on the people in your life even more.  

And then I want you to practice emotional release. So if you've been carrying emotions that aren't yours, let's try this instead. I want you to journal it out. Okay. I want you to take a moment to just dump all of the thoughts on your mind. That's one way. Journaling is one way, but I like to offer a lot of different modalities because everyone's really different. I love journaling now, but for a good portion of my life, I hated journaling and I wanted to just talk things out or I wanted to go take a walk and move my body.

So let's work with you. If you're thinking right now, I'm carrying all these emotions. What's the best way to get them out? Maybe it's joining a kickboxing class, good.  Maybe it is journaling it out and dumping all of your thoughts. Maybe it's talking into your phone and just doing a complete voice dump.

Maybe it's shaking it off. Maybe it's dancing. Maybe it's going for a run. Or for a walk or just doing some Zumba.  I know this sounds really simple, but this is actually crucial for your nervous system. Your nervous system needs a reset. And these are the different ways that we can do that. In fact, I want you to reach out to me in the Facebook group, if you want to, and let me know, how can you get rid of these emotions that you're carrying that aren't yours?

Are you going to start journaling? Are you going to shake it off? Are you going to move your body? Are you going to join a Zumba, maybe a kickboxing class? Let me know in the Facebook group. I want to hear it.  And then lastly. I want you to understand being emotionally available does not mean being a human sponge.

You are not your partner's emotional support animal.  We got to cut that out. It's time for us to start checking our permeable boundaries at the door and start learning how we can filter other people's emotions so we can show up as our true authentic self. Boundaries don't mean that you stop caring. They mean that you stop over functioning so you can show up as your best self and actually care for the people that you love in a healthy way.  

All right. So here's what I want you to walk away with today. Your ability to feel deeply is a gift, but you are not responsible for managing everyone else's emotions. You don't have to absorb, over function, or fix everything to be worthy of love. And if you find yourself constantly drained in relationships, start using the pause and ask rule. Before you take on someone else's emotion, stop and ask, is this mine to carry? You'll be shocked at how much lighter you feel when you stop holding on to what isn't yours.

Now, if you've been nodding along this whole time, it's time to start protecting your energy without losing your empathy. And if you want real support with this, because let's be honest, unlearning these patterns is not easy. Then you need to check out my Relationship Reboot Program. It's a small tight knit group of women, just like you, who are learning how to protect their energy without losing their empathy. You'll get weekly coaching calls, 24/7 support, and even discounted one on one coaching sessions with me.

Seriously, if you're ready to stop feeling exhausted by your relationships and start actually enjoying them, hit the link on the show notes now. All right, everyone. That's it for today. Now I want you to try out that pause and ask rule this week and let me know how it goes. Speak with you all next week, take care. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today. Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there. And please remember to rate, review and subscribe. If you enjoyed today's podcast, your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest.