57. Why Apologizing Feels So Hard & How to Break the Shame Cycle | Coaching Call with Gigi

Do you struggle to say “I’m sorry” without feeling like you’re admitting defeat? Have you ever avoided apologizing—even when you knew you should—because it felt too vulnerable? In today’s coaching call, Gigi opens up about her challenges with emotional regulation, self-blame, and the fear of being truly seen. Together, we unpack the deep-rooted shame that makes vulnerability feel so uncomfortable and explore how to shift from self-judgment to self-compassion.

You might want to listen if:

• You find it hard to be vulnerable with your loved ones, even when you want to be
• You feel stuck in a cycle of guilt and self-blame, making it difficult to move forward
• You struggle to regulate your emotions and often react more strongly than you’d like
• You were raised in a home where apologizing or expressing emotions wasn’t encouraged
• You want to learn how to trust yourself and create emotional safety in your relationships

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes fr...

Transcript

Jenn Noble 

 Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations.

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jenn Noble, your go-to relationship coach. And on today's episode, I have a beautiful coaching call with Gigi. Now Gigi came to me asking how can she be more vulnerable? You know, what's holding her back from being able to go and apologize to her loved ones more often. So that's what we start diving into in our coaching call.

But before then, I wanna talk to you about how you can come on the podcast and get coached yourself. So these podcast coaching calls are some of my favorite things that I do and I love doing them because it's a win-win-win. So what I mean by that is you get to come on and you get free coaching. It's completely free and it's for you to be able to ask me any questions you have. So if you don't get a chance to ask them in the weekly support sessions or on the Facebook group or you feel like you're not getting that one-on-one support, where we go back and forth just on it all the time. That's what this is for. It's a wonderful opportunity. 

But on top of that, you're also helping a community of women by telling your story. Healing happens when we speak up. Healing happens when we tell our story. And that's what's so important here. So as you're listening to this coaching call with Gigi, think to yourself, oh my gosh, how much are you getting out of this?

And you're getting so much out of it because she's coming in and she's openly sharing her story. And so you might see a little bit of yourself in this story. And that right there is the power of speaking up. And that's what I love so much about doing this. 

So if you want to come on the podcast, if you want to get coached on the podcast with me, then go ahead and reach out to me. If you scroll on down, you can click on the link in the show notes and it should be schedule a podcast coaching call with Jenn. You're gonna fill out an application. We're just gonna check in to see if you're a good fit. I'll reach out to you regardless. I reach out to every single person who applies, no worries. 

And if after our coaching call, we decide that your story is so important that others need to hear it, then we're going to feature it on the podcast. And we don't feature all of our coaching calls on the podcast, but we do like to feature the ones that we think are going to make a really big impact. And this was my conversation with Gigi. That's why it's so important that you listen in. 

And while you're listening, I just want you to check in with yourself. Are you someone that struggles with vulnerability? And what does vulnerability mean to you? You'll hear in a little bit, we get clear on that because vulnerability looks like different things to different people. And so we want to really check in. What is vulnerability? Why am I struggling to be vulnerable? And how can I get there? And as you'll see in my coaching call with Gigi, we finally open up some areas of healing in her life that just blows her mind. And it's so exciting to see. And I love being a part of that. So now let's get on with my coaching call with Gigi.

Jenn Noble

Hi Gigi, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. How can I help?

Gigi 

Thank you so much, Jennifer. I'm really happy to be here. I'm also a little nervous, but I think that's normal. But I would love to ask you about the struggles that I have with being vulnerable. And this is something that, since I started on my journey of learning more about relationships, this is something that hard for me or maybe this is something that I also heard that I have problems with So I don't know if you could help me with that?

Jenn Noble 

Definitely. Let me know, where do you see it showing up the most? Like, where is it a problem in your life not being able to be vulnerable?

Gigi 

Probably with my husband and even maybe with my parents. I usually try to be kind of tough, you know, with them, like having this facade that everything is good when sometimes it's not. And like I really try to show them that I'm good, I'm strong, I'm trying, I don't need your help. So I haven't really felt that I've been their daughter for some time. So I think that's a big way of showing that I don't like to be vulnerable around them, especially around them.

Jenn Noble 

And what does vulnerability mean to you? Like, so when you say, I'm not being vulnerable, how do you want to be instead?

Gigi

I think just being okay of opening up or tell them when I am struggling or when things are not okay with me. I usually don't like to worry them or just say, geez, I'm sorry I made a mistake or the way they spoke to them wasn't the nicest way. And being courageous of really owning that to them and apologizing for any behavior that sounds childish. I also have this problem with my husband. I have a 15-year-old son. And sometimes when I get irritated, I don't go and apologize. I just change the subject or start talking normally. So I think that's lack of vulnerability.

Jenn Noble 

I could see that, yea? So tell me, talk to me through a little bit more of this. What do you think is holding you back from being able to just go in and be like, I'm so sorry, I blew up. My bad. What do you think it is inside of you that's holding you from that?

Gigi 

Maybe it's pride or ego or that thought that I always have to be this perfect person and when I'm not I freak out and I feel super guilty and I have even though like I'm very calm right now I can go and be very explode in a way sometimes with the very small things. Ridiculous things sometimes. so I think maybe it's like emotional regulation that I lack. Then, and I'm usually calm, okay, I'm usually calm. But then when I get triggered for some reason, things don't go my way, or I can go from zero to 100 in a second.

Jenn Noble 

yeah, I feel that. I used to do that a lot myself, so yes.

Gigi

And that's something that I was raised in an environment that was like that, you know, especially from my I will see that a lot from my father and it's something that always bothered me and for some reason I carry that with me and it's hard for me to get rid of it and So I have been in this journey of really reading about it knowing more about it and try not to get there You know, I have been really much rather with my son for a few years now And because I would just treat him the way that I was treated as a child, you know. And I see like, my gosh, he's going to be scarred forever. But I have been really watching more the way that I behave with him, not so much with my husband, not so much with my parents. And that bothers me because I am at an age right now that doesn't serve me anymore. I do not want to be like that anymore. I need to grow up. I need to be more responsible for the way that I behave and things that I say.

Jenn Noble 

I love the accountability that I'm hearing. I think that is amazing. What I don't hear in here is any sort of, you I'm the victim, you know, everything's happening to me. you know, there's no woe is me going on. So can I just say fantastic, beautiful, everything that I'm hearing. You're like, I'm ready, Jenn. I want to take accountability. Let's do this. So what I'm hearing though is you're starting to make changes with your son. Amazing. That's so good. Especially not easy with a teenager. I have a 13 year old Like, it is not, they don't make it easy. So what I want to know is what do you think shifted inside of you to be able to start being more vulnerable with your son? Now, you're not perfect at it. Of course not. No one is. But you can tell you're trying now.

Gigi 

And what took me to see that I needed to change is because I saw how unhappy he was, especially during COVID or right at the end of COVID. I can't remember exactly, but he was not happy. And I thought maybe I have a finger on that problem or like a huge finger on that because During COVID, he was at home and I had to help him with school and getting organized and he wasn't too organized. then I would like be, I couldn't understand that, you know? So I was like really monitoring him, being very like controlling, you know? And maybe he had enough.

I'm not sure 100% what happened, if he's able to express that, but I think the way that I was behaving was not helpful at all. And I saw him in a bad place and I said, okay, Gigi, you got to stop. He is fine. He is fine no matter what. He's such a sweet boy. And why are you controlling him so much? He's okay.

Jenn Noble 

I love that though. What a beautiful way to see and start trusting him again. Now what I want to get to the bottom of here, and this is where I'm going so you know where I'm going with this, is you found a way. You found a way to start being more vulnerable, to start letting go, and to start kind of emotionally regulating. And you did this with your son. So I want to know, like, what's your motivation there? What does him being happy bring you? Like why do you want him to be happy? I mean, I think I know the answer, but I want to hear it from you. Where did this motivation come from to get better for him?

Gigi 

I think, probably because I was raised in an environment like that and I have so many scars from being raised by controlling parents. I know that they were trying their best, but they were very controlling and I'm an only child, so I was the focus of their attention. And I know how much that made me feel like I couldn't do stuff well, that I needed their help, that I was dependent on them. And I don't want my son to feel like that. I just want him to be happy and to feel like he can choose whatever he wants to do. And then I'm not gonna judge. I'm gonna be supporting him every way. So I want a happy human being, you know, and know that he can trust me with anything. He's like, mom, I have a problem. And I'm like, I'm right there, ready to hear him instead of just judging him. 

Jenn Noble 

That right there, is it okay if I interrupt you? Okay, because what I hear right there is I want that for you. So take all of that that you just said towards your son and take it and put it inward. How can you be kinder to yourself? How can you trust yourself more? How can you love yourself more, allow yourself to make mistakes, but be there for yourself in case you ever do? How does that land when I say that?

Gigi 

It's hard.

Jenn Noble 

Is it bringing up an emotion? Yeah. Tell me what's going on there.

Gigi 

I think I blame myself for so many things and it's hard for me to forgive myself.

Jenn Noble

Can we sit with that for a moment? Would that be okay with you? Can we just give space to these tears and to this big feeling?

Gigi 

Yeah, I was not expecting that twist.

Jenn Noble 

Yeah, it's wild when they just come out like that. You're like, where did you come from? I wasn't this emotional when we started. You can blame me. It happens almost every time. It's wild. I love this. I think it's really showing us that we might have hit on something really powerful here. Because you're right. There's just a lot of blame. A lot of just anger inside.

Gigi 

You are heating the nail.

Jenn Noble 

What if we just forgave them? Yeah. And it makes sense. If you are feeling all of this stuff, then the big anger that comes out of you, know, those moments where you're going from zero to 100, that's actually kind of beautiful because it's the times when your body said, I've had enough and I'm done. And so it doesn't know any other way. It's like a little toddler, you know, like when your son was really little and he just needed to get something out and he didn't know how else to say it. He would just maybe scream at the top of his lungs. You're just doing the same thing and I'm proud of that part of you. I know we don't need it anymore. I know it's not serving us anymore. I know we would like it to not be there anymore and I can help with that. But at the same time, before we shift it out of ourselves, we have to love it and trust it.

Gigi 

That's a new perspective.

Jenn Noble 

And yeah, good, I'm glad that's new. So let me explain it to you like this. If you were wearing a big winter coat and it was the dead of winter and it's snowing and it's icy and you it's like negative 32 degrees and you need this big massive winter coat on, you need your gloves, you need your hat on, everything. It's keeping you safe, isn't it? It's serving you in that moment.

But now it's summertime. Do you still need that winter coat?

Gigi 

No.

Jenn Noble 

No. And what might happen if you keep wearing that coat in the summer?

Gigi 

Yeah, it's very uncomfortable.

Jenn Noble 

Yeah, it might even like cause you to pass out from heat. It's not really serving you anymore. You don't need it anymore, do you?

Gigi 

Yeah but I feel like I have to carry it. Because it covers me.

Jenn Noble 

Yeah, exactly. You feel like it's a part of you now. 

Gigi 

Because it covers me.

Jenn Noble 

Yeah, exactly. But is it wrong? Is it bad? The coat, in and of itself. Is the coat a problem?

Gigi 

No.

Jenn Noble 

No, it's just, when do we put it on? And you just got so used to it for so long, you don't know how to go on in life without the code on. And that's not your fault at all. It was your upbringing, it was your childhood. And I'm not even blaming your parents. They did the best that they could with the tools that they had at the time. They didn't know. They don't know what we know now. But that doesn't negate that it hurt you at the time. So now when you start to get really emotionally dysregulated, and you start to really, really upset, and you blow up because you will again. It happens. It might be easier for you to apologize if you yourself aren't judging your actions. Does that make sense when I say that?

Gigi 

In a way, yes.

Jenn Noble 

Tell me what's coming up for you.

Gigi 

It's it's hard. It's hard. 

Jenn Noble

Yeah. Yeah. Tell me what's hard. Tell me more.

Gigi 

It's hard to apologize. Still hard. Even to myself. It's like I have to keep blaming me. And that's my happy place, the blame. I think that's it. Yeah, that's what I'm used to.

Jenn Noble 

Yeah. It's your comfort zone. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's serving you. Because it thinks it's keeping you safe from something. What do you think it's keeping you safe from? Why do you think you keep blaming yourself? Like, what is it helping? It's helping you do something. What do you think it's helping you do?

Gigi 

To be honest, I'm not sure. Geez, I have to think. Maybe it's just the accountability?

Jenn Noble 

Yeah, and you know, it's interesting because I did see right away how great you were at accountability. But now I'm wondering if there is a hint of, you're so accountable because you're so good at blaming yourself. And so the accountability is beautiful. We don't want to lose that. But what we need to do is teach your body that you can be accountable with compassion.

So when your son does something wrong, What do you think would work better for him? Would it be better for you to say, why did you do that? You're such an idiot. Why would you do such a thing? That's stupid. Don't ever do that again. What were you thinking? Or do you think you might be more like, that's okay, it happens. We all make mistakes. Let's try again next time. Which one do you think would work better for him?

Gigi 

It's an easy answer, the second one

Jenn Noble 

Yeah, Yeah,d he still held accountable, right? He still learns from his mistake. He's still growing. He's still, you know, doing things the way he needs to be doing them. But he doesn't have to have any blame to get there, does he?

And so I'll challenge and say, neither do you. Now, it's not gonna change overnight. We'll work on some kind of tangible steps that you can, maybe you can work on once a week or every night as you go to sleep. But what we wanna start doing here is first, the awareness around what's happening. Because we can never apologize to anyone if we are still judging and blaming ourselves. Does that make sense?

Gigi 

Okay, yeah, that's a new way of seeing it for me.

Jenn Noble 

Right.

Gigi 

I never heard that before.

Jenn Noble 

That's good. That means we're in a good place here then because sometimes, you know, we're like, I've heard that I've tried that I've tried this already, Jenn. This is great. We've touched on something we haven't tried yet before. So let's try something new. So before we even try to go apologize, when we do something that we don't like, let's first find our own innocence. Let's forgive ourselves. Let's find our own compassion for it.

So if you can think of a time recently when you blew up or you did something you didn't like to do and you can pull it up in your mind right now, you don't have to share it if you don't want to. You can share it if you want to. It's completely up to you. But can you pull up a memory?

Gigi 

Yeah, it's gonna be a memory. Yeah.

Jenn Noble 

Okay, yeah. Okay, so you have this memory and hold on to it. How is it making you feel right now to think about what you did?

Gigi 

I didn't like the way that I acted, the way that I said it

Jenn Noble 

Yeah. And how is it, how is your body feeling thinking about it? Mm-hmm. Okay. So you didn't like what you said. You didn't like how you acted. Now tell me. If you were someone else, if this was your son and your son acted and talked this way, what would you say to him?

Gigi 

If he told me that or if he told that to somebody else

Jenn Noble

If he came to you and he said, or you saw him act and say something that wasn't very nice. Yeah. And he did it to someone else and you saw him do it. What would you say to him?

Gigi 

In a calm way, but I will tell him that there are different ways of saying it that I could see that he was frustrated and that he lost his temper, but he needed to next time to think before saying that maybe take a few seconds to before even opening his mouth.

Jenn Noble

I love that. And what I liked what you said there is you said, can see why you would be frustrated. So in this situation that you had when you got frustrated and you said something, you acted a certain way, what was the other person doing? Were they treating you poorly? Were they talking down to you?

Gigi 

This person was being how can I say kind of trying to manipulate me in a way saying no I didn't do this

Jenn Noble 

Mm-hmm. Okay, great, right there. So they're almost kind of like gaslighting you. Like, what? I didn't do that. So now you're watching your son talk to someone else and that person says to your son, I never did that. Of course he's upset. Of course he blows up. Of course he's frustrated. And it's in that feeling right there, that acceptance, that compassion, where we just say, I can see why you got really upset. That's where we find our innocence.

And it's where you can really feel in your heart that you didn't mean to act this way. It's just the winter coat that you're wearing all the time. You put it on because you thought, you hey, you didn't realize it was going to be 100 degrees outside.

And so you're like, okay, yeah, of course you did. You know, I'm trying to think of an example. Recently, a while back, my husband came home. I was having a really bad day. I was just one of those days where everything was going wrong. Like, and he didn't know that he's at work, everything's going wrong. And he comes home and he takes his shoes off and he does this thing and it annoys the crap out of me. He takes his shoes off and he leaves them in the hallway. And he came home and I just, I snapped.

And I was like, do you have to leave your damn shoes in the hallway again? Like, and I just walked away and I slammed the door, right? I just went from zero to 60. He had just gotten home. Like, what the hell? Like, where'd that come from? Completely uncalled for. Not at okay for me to do, of course. Not at all. But you want to know what I did? I checked in with myself and I said, why did I act that way? I acted that way because I had a hard day. I had some really bad news that I was just given.

I was also about to start my period at the time. So like hormones do do a thing to us. And I wasn't feeling supported at that moment. And so when he came home and that happened, is it okay what I did? No. And I want to change that for the future. But the only way I could go to him and talk to him and get a repair from that rupture with him was being able to go and say, sweetheart, I'm so sorry I yelled at you. I didn't mean to. I just had a really bad day. Can I talk to you about it?

Gigi 

Hmm. I like that can I talk to you about it?

Jenn Noble

Yeah. And see, he's a safe space for me to be able to do that with. Now, my ex-husband, not so much. That's a little bit of a different thing. If I had said something like that to him, it would have been used against me. You it would have been, you know, you are always acting like this. You always do this all the time. And it wouldn't be a safe space. So maybe for you, it's hard for you to apologize to your parents or to your husband or to other people because they're not being a safe space for you. That's not your problem. That's not your fault.

You're just protecting yourself. And I'm so proud of you for doing that. But if you want to get to that place where you can apologize, maybe just to your friends. You know, parents and the big attachment ones are our romantic relationships and our parents, those are like the biggest relationships we have in our entire lives. will affect us so much. We will never be perfect around them. We will always get triggered. We will always either be that little girl that they raised that we just can't seem to get out of.

Or we're just whoever we are in our partner's eyes until we can really figure out a way to communicate and get safer with one another. So for any reason, you feel like you cannot apologize to someone, but it's because they aren't giving you a safe space to apologize. That's not your fault. So those are the big two things that I want you to take away from this.

Gigi 

Okay, repeat those again.

Jenn Noble 

Love that question. Yes, perfect. Cause was gonna ask, do you want me to repeat them? So we are on the same page. Okay. So number one, find your innocence, right? Cause you can't apologize to someone else if you can't forgive yourself first. So first and foremost, I just want you to find your innocence. Of course you got upset. Of course you snapped.

We're gonna try hard not to do it next time, but it's okay that you did it. You had a lot going on.

Talking to yourself in that compassionate way will slowly start to shift your body into actually staying calmer in the moment even. And then you'll be able to go apologize if you don't, because it's okay, we're all gonna make mistakes all the time.And then number two on this side, finding safe people to apologize to.

Gigi 

and that will be my son.

Jenn Noble 

Yeah, it's probably also why you're starting to be more calm with him.

Gigi 

okay.

Jenn Noble 

Because there's a rapport going on there between the two of you. You're getting calmer. He's seeing that. He's reciprocating. You're able. This is what it's about. But if your parents are still kind of treating you like that little girl, and again, not their fault. They're also now getting older. They're setting their ways. mean, like my mom is who she is. What are you going to do? But at the same time, it means I know what to tell her and what not to tell You know, I know now where the safe spaces are. And maybe I'm going to give you permission that you don't always have to apologize to them. If you've blown up at them for some reason, there might be a reason.

Gigi 

Yeah, but even though I have to do better that that's my Yeah, mm-hmm

Jenn Noble

Sure, I agree. You stay on the do better, I'm gonna tell you it's okay. That way we equilibrate it, you know? Because I agree, yes, absolutely you can do better. But until then, until you get to that space, if you do blow up at them, there's a high chance because you need to feel heard, seen, understood, and you need to take up space. Because that's all anger and all of that stuff does is just saying, listen to me. And if they're not listening to you, it's no wonder you're blowing up.

Gigi 

Yeah, and I think what triggers me at least with them is their dynamic as a couple. I mean, we live apart because they live in a different place. So I don't see them. I see them only once a year, but I talk to them once a week. But like just talking to them sometimes in five minutes into the conversation, even though I'm dying to talk to them, I'm missing them. I start feeling very nervous. around them.

And I immediately start kind of shutting down. Sometimes I don't want to participate in the conversation. I just hear them telling me stuff and I'm like, I'm shutting down and shutting down because it irritates me. I find this a little childish on my part, but I'm doing my best now before I would shake my knees a lot. And now I'm just breathing in and breathing in and trying to accept them.

Jenn Noble 

I love that. And I love how you said, it's like you're acting a little childish, but I wanna really help you see you are acting childish. And I don't say that like as a blame, what I mean is you are literally reverting back to your childhood self around them. It's just what happens sometimes, especially when we are not healed, when we're triggered in these ways. The best way to get through that is we learn how to set boundaries with our parents.  I don't know, are they still a little bit controlling? Do they still pick on you at all or anything like that?

Gigi 

Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't have patience to listen. They start already just telling me what I could do differently.

Jenn Noble 

Right there. They don't have a right to say that to you anymore. Now, this will be a different conversation and hey, maybe we can like pop back on in a different episode or a different, or we can do coaching outside of this. But what I can see here, the first step, this is healing. This is healing at its finest, which is we have the first step over here, which is compassion, loving yourself, forgiving yourself. I want you to still start there.

And then once we get through that a little bit, think your next step is going to be in learning how to set boundaries with them. Because you're a grown ass woman now, Gigi. You don't need to be telling me what to do anymore. And you are allowed to say, thank you so much for your thoughts, but I don't want to hear that anymore.

God, when we grow up and can actually say that to our parents, it's mind blowing. And you'll be surprised because boundaries are there to stay connected. Because what's happening right now, they call, you talk, they start talking to you about stuff, you shut down, you're not disconnected. So once we get into an understanding of setting boundaries is a loving, beautiful thing to do with our family, it actually helps us stay more connected. They can get a little bit pouty in the beginning sometimes.

They're not used to it when we start setting boundaries, but they're really good for us. And in those moments, you're gonna be able to set boundaries over here because you did the work over here to find your innocence when you do actions. So let's start there. Anytime you blow up, anytime you shut down, I just want you to kind of put a hand on your heart and just say, of course I did that. I was upset. I know I can do better, but not yet.

Cause I've tried everything else. Cause listen, if we could heal ourselves from judging and shaming and guilting ourselves into doing it, all of us would be healed by now. But we stay stuck in the shame. So we want to try to release that shame.

Gigi 

Okay. Wow. Okay. So this is shame. Okay. I put a name to it. Okay. All right. Okay. So that's shame. All right. I didn't know that. Thank you.

Jenn Noble 

And shame keeps us stuck. So we want to release the shame, beautiful. I'm glad we brought that up then. Yeah, let's release the shame for you. I think that'll be your next step. Have compassion, forgive yourself, and maybe just go look into more ways that you can release shame. You know, can Google some stuff, you can read some books on shame. I know Brene Brown has a lot on shame. It's a great, great starting point.

Gigi 

Okay, all right, thank you.

Jenn Noble

You're so welcome. Is this a great spot to kind of wrap up for the conversation right now? Okay. All right. Well, thank you so, so much for coming on and being so open and vulnerable. I just, I really, really resonate with your story myself. I am a zero to 60 kind of a girly. So it took me a long time to handle my emotions and my big blowups. But as we are more compassionate with ourselves, it does get easier. So again, thank you so much for coming on and I'll talk to you later.

Gigi 

Okay. Thank you, Jennifer. Thank you so much.

Jenn Noble

Thank you.

Jenn Noble

I am just so happy that Gigi reached out to be on the podcast. It was an honor to walk her through some of this process with her. Being able to find that the shame spiral that she was going through was something that she hadn't even seen yet. Oh my gosh, it's still giving me chills just even thinking about it right now. Thinking about like, my gosh, I think we've unlocked something there. 

That is the power of being able to externally process with someone like a coach or a therapist or a counselor or a friend. It's so important to just get that perspective with a safe person. Now that's one of the things we talked about in the coaching call, which was, are these safe for her to be practicing this with. And I want us to be really mindful of this. And her and I talked about this a little bit after the podcast as well. And so I want to bring this up and I want to say, when we are trying to heal, it's almost near to impossible to heal with the people that are triggering us. 

And so this is our parents, our siblings, our romantic partners, our husbands, our boyfriends. These people, they develop in us this attachment pattern. And so it causes us to lash out or to blow up or to go from zero to 100. And so when we're trying to heal those areas of ourselves, doing so with those very same people, it's almost near to impossible, to be honest, in the beginning. You need to do it with a safe environment, with a safe container. 

That's why I highly recommend coming into the Facebook group and starting there. So that's why I talked with Gigi afterwards, which was maybe you could try being vulnerable with us in the Facebook group and say, I'm having a really hard day. Something really bad happened and I need help. That's being vulnerable. And we're going to be there for you because we're a safe container. 

But what's not a safe container are the people who gaslight you or who tell you you're wrong or who put you down or who yell at you. That's not a safe space to be practicing how to heal. If anything, it's reinforcing this belief that there's something wrong with you, that you should be judged, that you should be shamed. But that's just not true.

So I just wanted to give Gigi permission that she doesn't have to go and talk about that stuff with anyone. She gets to decide who it is that she wants to tell her story to. And I'm so honored that she came onto the podcast to talk about this, because I think a lot of us struggle with this level of vulnerability, really learning how to say sorry to people when we do mess up. Because the thing is, we're always going to mess up. I mess up all the time. I know I totally get it. 

When I used to mess up, I also used to beat myself up and shame myself and judge myself and feel guilty about it. But we don't heal when we're in shame. We stay stuck in shame. Shame doesn't help anyone. If shame helped us, we'd all be healing and happy and fulfilled by now. You know, hey, we gave it a try. You know, back in the day, they thought shame would be a helpful tool. It wasn't. So we're not gonna do that anymore. Okay? We're not gonna shame ourselves anymore, ladies. Instead, what are we gonna do? We're gonna have compassion for ourselves. That's right. 

We are going to love ourselves. We are going to forgive ourselves. We're gonna really check in and say, that's okay. I know you're trying your best. We're not there yet, but we'll get there eventually. And it's through that compassion that eventually on the other side will actually come more emotional regulation, less blowups and less things that we have to forgive ourselves for it becomes a beautiful cycle instead of a vicious shame cycle. We don't want those anymore. 

So again, thank you all so much for listening. If you want to come on the podcast and get a free coaching call with me, I would love to have you on. Scroll down to the show notes, fill out the application. Let's see if we're a good fit. And if we think that your podcast coaching call is something that will bring healing to so many women like Gigi's call did here, we're going to feature it on the podcast. And I just want to say thank you all so much to anyone that has been open and vulnerable to come on the podcast. It means the world to me and I know it does to all of our listeners as well. I hope you all have a beautiful week. Take care.

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today. Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there. And please remember to rate, review and subscribe. If you enjoyed today's podcast, your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest.