56. Why You’re Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People (And How to Stop!)

Why do we chase the people who pull away?

Ever find yourself obsessing over someone the second they become unavailable? Or maybe you're in a relationship where you and your partner keep swinging between anxious and avoidant behaviors, never quite landing on solid ground? In this episode, I’m answering listener questions about disorganized attachment, why we crave unavailable people, and what it really takes to build a secure, fulfilling relationship. Get ready for some tough love, eye-opening insights, and—of course—real, actionable steps you can take today.

You might want to listen if:

• You keep attracting (or being attracted to) emotionally unavailable partners
• Your relationship feels like a constant push-and-pull, but you don’t know why
• You wonder if two people with disorganized attachment can actually make it work
• You feel like you sabotage relationships as soon as they get serious
• You want to break these patterns and finally build a relationship that lasts

FIND OUT MORE!

• Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
• Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
• Join our FREE Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
• Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
• Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
• Download your free Workbook: Dance of Attachment
• Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
• Follow Jenn on Instagram: @speak_honest
• Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!

DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes fr...

Transcript

 Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations.

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jenn Noble, your go-to relationship coach, and on today's episode, we're actually going to do some listener questions. So I got some listeners to send me in some questions. It's in our Facebook group. You can always ask me anything you need to in there.

And every once in a while I take those questions and I answer them here on the podcast. So if that is something that is interesting to you, I would love to have you join our free Facebook community. You can go right over to Facebook right now and you can type in Speak Honest secure communication for women and it'll pop right up.

We are a beautiful, wonderful supportive community of women who are all looking to heal our attachment styles and learn how to communicate more effectively so we can have happier, healthier, more fulfilling relationships. So if this sounds like you, if you want to get plugged into community right now, join us over on Facebook, Speak Honest secure communication for women.

You can also scroll down to the show notes. There should be a link down there. You can click on it. I'm going to ask you a couple of questions just like, Hey, do you want some freebies? How about our dance of attachment workbook? Send me your email address. How did you find out about us? All of that information.

Once you answer those questions, then we get you put in, we get you plugged in, you introduce yourself, you say hi, and then you can ask me anything you want to be asking me. And, when I get a chance to, I love to answer those questions on the podcast here, like I'm about to do. So, with all of that said, let me go ahead and get started with the first question. 

Here is a question from one of our members. And she says, Hey Jenn, so I know my attachment style is fearful avoidant. Or, as I call it, disorganized attachment. But just to be clear, there's two names for that. So she asked fearful avoidant. And I've been with my boyfriend for about four months. And I think his attachment style is also fearful avoidant. Will this work long term? And do you know anyone with similar experiences? 

Now, this is a great question. So what she's basically asking here is, Hey, I have a disorganized attachment and my boyfriend has a disorganized attachment. Can this work? And the answer is, I mean, obviously we don't know because I don't know their specific stories do I? But here's what usually happens between two disorganized attached individuals. They will constantly be polarizing each other. So depending, of course, also for how severe their disorganized attachment is, if we're looking on the spectrum of very disorganized, then there's going to be a lot of polarization.

So basically, as soon as one partner becomes more anxious, the other partner is going to go full avoidance. And then when that partner pulls away, the anxious person in a disorganized state is probably also going to pull away. And so once they pull away, the avoidant person is no going to come swinging towards them.

I hope that makes sense, reach out to me let me know. I can explain it better. But the idea here is there's a constant swinging. That's why I call disorganized attachment the pendulum swing dance, because you're constantly swinging from anxious to avoidant attachment. And when you have two people in a relationship with this swinging technique, then what's going to happen is they're constantly going to keep polarizing each other.

So do you know those little magnet things from back in the day? Maybe they weren't a magnet, but those little metal balls and they go clink, clink, clink, clink. You can't see me, but I'm moving my fingers right now to kind of explain how it works. And the more one ball hits the other balls, the further away the other one goes, right? It's this pendulum, basically. And the harder it hits, the more the other one goes flying. And that's what's going to happen in this relationship. 

So she said that they've been dating for four months. This is probably at the time in which there's probably starting to become some disorganized attachment activities, some patterns coming out. Maybe she's getting a little bit more anxious and he's getting a little bit more avoidant. But then if she throws out an anxious attachment protest behavior, like she stops texting him or she says, oftentimes disorganized folks, when they're leaning anxious, they will use breaking up as a tendency to say, fine, what are we even doing together then we should just break up. 

If she does that, what he's going to do is he's going to come towards her and he's like, well, no, baby, no, I didn't mean that. Please like, let's stay together. What did that just teach both of them? What did that teach their nervous system? It taught them that when she has a protest behavior, he comes towards her.

So what is she going to do next time? She's going to do that protest behavior, but she's probably going to do it faster and harder to make him come towards her faster and harder versus what we could actually be doing here, which is having healthy communication for what we need. So her big question here is, will this work long term?

Absolutely. It can work long term so long as at least one of you in the relationship is working towards becoming more secure and hell, I've seen, you know, two people with disorganized attachment live together for 50 some years, so it's definitely capable of working out, but working long term isn't the end all be all of what we want in our relationships.

We shouldn't be basing the success of a relationship on how long it lasts because relationships can last for ages, but they're abusive. They're terrible. They're manipulative, right? So will this work long term? Sure. But is that really what you're asking? No, I think what she's asking for is, will this be successful? Will I feel fulfilled? Will I feel loved? Will I feel satisfied? And the answer to that is, yes, if at least one of you is working towards becoming more secure. And then in that case, are you willing to walk away from the relationship if it's not meeting your needs the way it needs to, right? So we do that by communicating more effectively by being able to say to your boyfriend, if you need something, Hey, this is something I really need right now. Yeah, I need more hugs, I need more texts, I need more love, I need more sex, and being okay with him not being able to give it to you in exactly the right way. 

So how do we do this? Well, in the Relationship Reboot Program, we work through the four main key attachment pillars to heal our attachment style and communicate more effectively. So the first step is we want to work on identifying our attachment wounds. So if I was working with this question asker, I would say, okay, we need to identify what your attachment wounds are. These are the things like, I'm not enough, I am not beautiful, I am not funny, maybe I'm unworthy, I am a burden, I am unloved, I am excluded, all of these words, right?

These labels that are instilled in us all the way back from childhood. That's where they come from, from our attachment. We need to identify them and then we need to heal them. And we do this in the program through a process I call somatic repetition. Now, if that sounds like something that you want to dive into, reach out to me, let me know. You can reach out to me, Jennifer@speak-honest.com and I'll get you hooked up in the program so we can start to heal your attachment wounds. 

And after we start healing them, and this is a lifelong process, hell, I'm still reprogramming my attachment wounds to this day. It's a constant, constant thing that we need to be working on, just like our nutrition and our physical energy and our physical health.

But the next step after that is identifying our attachment needs. Really, really understanding what it is that we need in a relationship. And understanding what our partner needs and allowing them their autonomy. And so there are hundreds of attachment needs out there. They look like emotional connection, romantic connection, social connection, validation, vanity, creativity, beauty, contribution.

I could go on and on and on. I mean, there's literal hundreds. And the thing is, is we all have these ideas in our heads as to what we should be doing. And what other people should be doing, but truly understanding our attachment needs allows us to get clear on who we are. And so that way we can communicate that to someone.

And then after that, we're going to get clear on our boundaries. How do we set them and understanding the different boundaries that we have, right? We have time boundaries, mental boundaries, physical boundaries, and understanding that boundaries are about us. And then eventually all of this is going to come together in order to communicate in a secure and effective way. And it's just a beautiful process that we go through. 

So I encourage this question asker to really look at herself and see what does she mean by workout long term.  What does she actually want in her relationship? And how can she start to work on herself to become more secure? 

Great, now let's go ahead and do one more question. And this person asks, Hey, does anyone else get more attached to someone the moment they become unavailable? Like, you didn't even match with them, but suddenly they're all you can think about. Why is it that the second someone becomes unreachable, whether it's on an accidental swipe, a dating app bug, or they're in another country, they suddenly feel so much more important to me? This person wants to know, is it just me, or does your mind start glorifying someone the moment you realize you can't actually have them? And why do I feel more attached to someone I didn't even talk to just because they're there?  Is this an attachment thing?  

Great, great question. And I wanted to touch on this one because I think it can be quite a nuanced answer. And also, I just really hope that my answer comes across with compassion. But absolutely, what is happening here is you are attracted towards someone who is unavailable for a reason.  So this is a way in which sometimes our minds can play tricks on us. That's just our subconscious doing this. This is not your fault.

You're not doing this intentionally whatsoever. But what's actually happening is if the person you are attracted to is unavailable, then you are not actually going to get sucked into the vulnerability of a real relationship. This can often times be why we get attracted to married men. I hear this a lot.

My clients come to me and they're like, Oh my god, this man, he's everything I've ever wanted, and it's so sad because he's married. And all I can think about in that moment is, Oh, okay, I see what's happening here. You keep being attracted to married men because you do not have to get in a relationship with them.

So it's the same thing with this person. They're asking like, Hey, I swipe on someone, but they live in a different country. Why all of a sudden now am I super into this person? And it's just the same thing. It's just coming from a subconscious space to stay safe. So if this is sounds like you, if you're out there and you're listening, you're like, Oh my gosh, I always seem to be attracted towards a guy in a relationship. Or maybe he lives really far away, or maybe I swiped right on him and he swiped left. And now it's the only thing I can think about all the time. I just want you to give compassion to yourself and I want you to check in and see. If this is a pattern, right? This is what we talk about all the time. Attachment patterns. If this is a one off, it's no big deal. Maybe he was someone really special in your life and you really are attracted to him. Don't worry about that. But if you're finding that this is a constant pattern, if you're constantly attracted to someone you can not have, then I would check in with yourself and see where's it coming from.

And it's most likely just an outdated coping mechanism to keep you safe. And the next step is I would ask yourself, what do you want? Do you want a relationship?  If you don't, again, great, don't worry about it. If you do, though, we need to get you over that hump to get you to a place where you can get in that relationship with someone who is available.

So that's where we would start with that. Now, I think we have time for one more, so let me go ahead and squeeze this one in. But she says, Hey, Jen, I'm new here and I just need to ask, what's wrong with me? Well, first off, my heart goes out to you. There's nothing wrong with you. What I'm about to read next is not your fault.

She asks, I really want to be in a relationship, but every time I get close to one, I freak out. Even when a guy puts in all the effort and actually likes me, I end up dropping him. And then I just feel awful. Like I hurt someone for no reason because I can't seem to feel anything. I haven't even had a real crush since high school.

And now I'm about to graduate college. It's like I can't love anyone and it's such a horrible feeling. I can't afford therapy right now, so I just need to get this off my chest. Beautiful. I'm so glad she was able to ask this question. And the thing is, is there's nothing inherently wrong with you, sweetheart.

Okay, it's just your attachment patterns acting up. And now that we're starting to understand our attachment styles, hopefully you will start to understand. You're going to see that this is just what happens. With someone who has a disorganized attachment, this is that push pull in a relationship that we constantly see where you say, I want someone.

I want someone. I want someone. Oh my God. Now I'm scared. Go away. Go away. And you hear in the question, she says, when a guy puts in the effort, it actually likes me. I end up dropping him. That's the push.  That's what's happening. As soon as someone actually comes close to you, you want to push them away out of fear.

Now, this can be for a couple different reasons, but a lot of times it comes from a self worth issue. You think, Oh my gosh, there must be something wrong with this guy because why is he actually into me? I'm not worthy enough to be loved. So here was, I did all this effort to try to get him to like me. Now he likes me. Ew. Why would he ever like me? I'm not likable. I'm not lovable. I'm not worthy. And so then you push them away because you think you don't deserve the love that you do. I just want you to know you specifically if you're listening to this and you ask the question, I want you to know that you deserve love.

And if you resonate with this person's question, I want you to know that you also deserve love. If you find yourself pulling people in and then pushing them away for no reason. Just understand that that's part of your attachment style, that that is just what happens with a disorganized attachment. In childhood, your life was so overwhelmingly chaotic that you didn't understand what love should truly look like for you. It was all over the place. It was like, Hey, maybe one time mom loved you when you came in and you did the right thing. And then the next time you did the exact same thing and she got really mad at you or maybe she pushed you or hit you or neglected you or kicked you out of the house. Anything.  The point here is your body, your nervous system, isn't reacting in a secure way because it's never been taught that.

So that's what we're just going to work towards. It's not going to change right away, but we're going to first identify your attachment style. Then we're going to identify your attachment wounds. Then eventually we're going to get to your needs and then your boundaries and then learn how to communicate all of that effectively.

Now, if this sounds like something that you want to be doing, I highly, highly suggest that you get acclimated into the Facebook group. Now, I know you say right now that you do not have the money to afford therapy. I totally get that. That's why I try really hard to make my membership program for the Relationship Reboot program as economical and cheap as possible that I possibly can while still trying to, you know, feed my family and all of that stuff.

But I want you to come into the program or just use the Facebook group. We have weekly support sessions on Wednesdays that you can use. You can ask me questions anytime you want to in the Facebook group. And we don't necessarily need to be spending all of this money to get the healing that we need. We just need to intentionally be putting in the work and figuring this out.

But I also think if you and I sat down, I think we could find 97 a month to get you into the program, to see that this investment is worth it in you. So again, I just want you to remember, it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just a part of your attachment patterns, and we can shift those slowly over time. 

All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you have a question that you would like answered on the podcast, go ahead and toss them into the Facebook group. Again, you can join the group at Speak Honest Secure Communication for Women. We'd love to have you over there in the community, and I can't wait to get to know you. All right, everyone. Have a beautiful week. Take care. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today. Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there. And please remember to rate, review and subscribe. If you enjoyed today's podcast, your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest.