52. Butterflies Are A Lie - The Truth About Real Chemistry & Connection [Support Session Replay]

Ever notice how those "magical butterflies" always seem to lead us down the same rocky relationship path? In this episode, we're busting myths about attraction and chemistry that might be keeping us stuck. We're diving deep into the science of connection and why everything we've been taught about attraction might actually be holding us back from finding real, lasting love.

You might want to listen if:

• We keep feeling those intense "sparks" with people who aren't good for us
• We're worried something's missing because we don't feel those crazy butterflies with someone great
• We find ourselves addicted to the emotional rollercoaster of new relationships
• We're questioning if we can be "in love" without feeling obsessed
• We're ready to understand what healthy, secure attraction actually feels like

FIND OUT MORE!

• Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
• Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
• Join our FREE Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
• Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
• Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
• Download your free Workbook: Dance of Attachment
• Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
• Follow Jenn on Instagram: @speak_honest
• Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!

DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes fr...

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast. My friend, get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.  

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jenn Noble, your go to relationship coach, and on today's podcast, I'm actually going to give you a sneakpeak of one of our support sessions that we do in our free Facebook community. So I want to take a quick moment to tell you all about something really special that we do. 

These are our Wednesday support sessions. They're live interactive coaching calls where we dive deep into topics that matter most in your relationships, like how to build trust, navigating tough conversations, and even growing attraction over time, which you'll hear in a little bit.

So what's amazing about these sessions is that they're not just about learning. They're about connecting. You get real time support, answers to your burning questions and a community of women just like you who totally get it. So if you've been loving the insights from this podcast, imagine what it would feel like to work through these ideas live with me every week.

In order to do that, all you you need to do is join the FREE Facebook community and become a member of our Facebook group. These sessions are just one of the many perks waiting for you when you become a part of our community. So if you're ready to dive in, find us on Facebook. You can click the link in the show notes or just search up Speak Honest, secure communication for women in the search bar of Facebook and find us there. And I cannot wait to have you, but now let's get on with the support session. 

Welcome to today's support session. We're going to be talking about the concept of can attachment grow. So I think this is a really fun topic because I hear it a lot. If you are dating or you're getting into new relationships, or as we were talking earlier, if you're trying to even develop friendships and you're not sure, like, is this the friend for me? What's going on? 

And so I wanted to talk about, well, can attraction grow? Like what do we actually need in order for this to happen? And so the way this is going to work for today's session, all of you are, I think all of you are familiar with this, but we'll go through a little bit of a lesson in the beginning, and then we'll have a Q and A at the end.

And so if you have any questions right now, or you would like to have a little bit of coaching, I can spend about five or 10 minutes with you. Go ahead and let me know in the chat right now, or raise your virtual hand and I'll do first come first serve, or we'll just explore questions at the end. So either which way is fine with me.

But here's the thing I want to talk about today, because a lot of what we've been told about attraction is actually based on myths, you know, those big Hollywood movie TV romance novels that are there to sell us on the idea of instant sparks and butterflies.  Those butterflies weren't a sign of a connection or true love at all.

Like, what if we were just sold this idea? And this is what I want to talk about. So today we're going to explore the science behind chemistry, what's really going on in our brains and our body. Why butterflies might actually be a warning sign and not a love signal. And finally, what really builds a lasting attraction in a relationship.

So by the end of today, my goal here is that you're going to have a totally different perspective on what attraction means and how it can grow into something secure, fulfilling, and real. So let's go ahead and get started.  And I want to know, in the chat, if you guys want to go ahead and let me know,  I want you to take a moment and think about one word  that you think of when you hear the word attraction. One of these like, mind association things. So I say attraction. What do you think?  Yes, big hugs to you. To you, Linda.  Can this relate to sex too? Always. 

Let's see.  Cosmic. Oh, I love that one. Hubba hubba. Yes. That's a really good one, too. I like that. Looks, touch, sexy. Yes. All of these words are to do with attraction. I was thinking about some of these words myself. So I was thinking… chemistry, sparks, fireworks.  Okay? So these are the words, right? We're hearing the cosmic. Gosh, what do you think of when you think of cosmic? It's all encompassing hubba hubba, You know, it has a thing. Sexy. 

All of these words. These are beautiful, beautiful responses. And I want to unpack what these ideas are. So we all have this idea of what attraction means. Oh, and also forgive me. I almost forgot. Here you go. There is the journal prompts for today.  And okay. So these are the journal prompts. These will be the questions we'll dive into later as always feel free to use them or use them for journaling or meditation or just taking notes today. And I wanna talk about the science behind chemistry. So what's happening in our brains and our body when we're feeling these initial sparks that hubba hubba.

The thing is though, it's not always as romantic as it actually seems, and that to me is one of the most important parts about this. And I want to really dive into what's happening, like what is actually going on. And then I wanna talk about why butterflies aren't what they seem, why that cosmic feeling, why that sexy feeling, all of that, it might not actually be the best thing to be feeling, and it could be a red flag towards a past pattern.

And then I want to uncover how do we really build lasting attraction? So it's not about chasing the highs. It's about creating a bond that actually deepens over time. So by the end of the session, you'll have a whole new perspective on what attraction really is and how you can create the kind of connection that lasts. 

So let's talk about chemistry. Okay, chemistry. So chemistry fades, but connection lasts.  So for this one, I want to start off and talk about  what exactly is chemistry. But what we're really talking about with chemistry is dopamine.  Dopamine, I'm sure you've all heard this word before, but dopamine is the reward system in your brain that lights up when something feels exciting or new. And that's why the beginning of a relationship feels so electric. It's all about novelty and anticipation. But here's the catch, dopamine is fleeting. So the more you get used to someone, the less your brain gives you that dopamine hit. And this is where many people think, Oh no, you know, I've lost the spark. You know, I've lost that feeling. I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm not that into him anymore or, or whatnot. 

And see, connection, though, it's different. Connection is tied to oxytocin, and oxytocin is the bonding hormone. So dopamine is the pleasure seeking, and oxytocin is the connection safety security hormone. And this grows over time. Through trust, communication, and shared experiences. It's what makes relationships feel safe and fulfilling. So I want to share, I know oftentimes in these sessions, I talk a lot about my clients, but I wanted to get a little bit more real and vulnerable with all of you and tell you about my relationship with my husband.

So when I started dating my now husband, there actually were not any fireworks at all. There was no hubba hubba. There was no cosmic feeling. And about five months in, I remember waking up one morning and realizing I wasn't even thinking about him. And he didn't text me at all that day.  And I went to bed and I had forgotten,  I just completely forgotten about him.

And in that moment, I panicked. You can imagine the thoughts going on in my mind. Oh my gosh, this must mean I'm not that into him. This must mean I don't even care about him. Wow, I didn't care at all. If he didn't text me, he must not care about me. I don't care about him. What are we even doing here? All these thoughts raced in my mind. 

But I realized it wasn't about a lack of chemistry between us. It was about feeling secure. See, this is the first time in my life I didn't need constant contact or reassurance with someone. And that's the difference. Dopamine craves reassurance, but oxytocin thrives on security.  So that's the first point that I want to bring up.

And the second point I want to talk is about butterflies. That fluttery, can't think straight feeling, and it's often glamorized and the ultimate sign of attraction. But what if I told you that butterflies are a trauma response.  So here's the science behind that. When you feel those butterflies in your system, your nervous system is recognizing something familiar.

And if you've had patterns of unhealthy relationships, those butterflies might actually be a red flag. It's your body saying, Hey, hello, we've been here before. Do you sense this?  So when I was dating in the past, I chased that butterfly feeling. In fact, that's just what I thought attraction was. I thought love was this butterfly feeling, and if I didn't have it, then, oh yeah, I must not be into him. But guess what? Those relationships, they all seemed to end the same way. Interesting how that worked, which was very badly.  

See, with my husband now, I don't have those same butterflies. Not the same ones. They're different.  And at first I thought, as I was talking about, that it meant that there was something wrong that I wasn't into him, but I learned that secure love feels different. It's calm. It's steady. It's safe. It's not about the chaos or chasing the high or trying to earn my love with him or or trying to do the right thing or say the right thing or text the right way.  And this is a good thing. 

So the next part of this is I want to talk about how if chemistry can actually fade and butterflies are unreliable. So what actually builds attraction? So what actually is this? What are we doing here then? See, attraction grows when you feel safe, seen and respected in a relationship. It's about building trust through emotional safety. Knowing your partner hears you, supports you, and values you. Over time, the trust creates a bond, and that bond deepens your attraction.

So my husband, with the attraction, it wasn't instant. He wasn't my type. I wasn't really that into him. I didn't know, really what I was doing. But in that moment when I was growing and healing, he made me laugh. And he was safe and he made me smile and he was very kind. And our communication was amazing. And our intellect is just off the charts. And I just had so much fun with him.

But that attraction, that thing that I think is attraction wasn't there. And yet it grew  as we built trust, as we built shared experiences, as we had ruptures and repairs, which built our resilience as we continue to communicate openly. One day, I realized I didn't just love him. I was deeply attracted to him in a way that felt steady and lasting. And this was brand new.   And the truth is, real attraction isn't about chasing a spark. It's about nurturing a bond that grows stronger every day.  

So let's go ahead and recap so far what we covered, so we can get to questions about this.  So, first and foremost, what did we learn? Chemistry fades. Long term relationships, if you were like, Oh my god, in those first two to four years of our relationship, we were so in love, everything was so great. It just feels like we're not in love anymore, Jenn. It just feels like, it's not like it used to be. Good,  it's not supposed to be.  Chemistry fades, connection lasts. Chemistry is tied to what? Which hormone again? Dopamine.  It's fleeting, it's unreliable, it's chasing a hit. You know, it's gambling and sugar and alcohol. This is what releases dopamine. It's what people call NRE, the new relationship energy. It's the same stuff, it's so, so great. 

But real connection Real lasting connection is built on oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It's what gets released when you have a baby and you're birthing or you're breastfeeding. And why is that? It's because it bonds you. It connects you and it grows over time.  

And secondly, remember butterflies are a trauma response. So those fluttery feelings where, Oh my God, you can't stop thinking about him all day, every day. And you want to text him. And why hasn't he texted you back yet? And I hear this all the time. First thing I think of in the morning, the last thing I think about at night, whenever I hear someone say that, I immediately start seeing red flags going off that your attachment system is on active.

Okay. It's activated.  So this is what we want to see that those butterflies, we can work with them. Don't get me wrong. And they're fun. So I can always work with anything,  but they're often your body recognizing familiar and sometimes unhealthy patterns. Whereas secure love will feel calm.  And I know this is going to sound weird, but it feels like sometimes you just forget about them.  It's actually quite a healthy thing. It's really okay.  

And lastly, real attraction grows through connection and communication. So when you feel safe, seen and respected that bond that the two of you have, it deepens. Attraction is a by product of emotional safety and trust, not just Instant sparks. And this new perspective on attraction isn't just about changing how you think it's about empowering you to build the kind of relationship that you truly deserve.

Okay, so now let's end on a few of some reflection questions, which I do have in the  journal prompts. First and foremost, I want us to think about what beliefs about attraction. Do we need to change or rethink? Think about some ideas about love and attraction. Some of the words I had you think about ahead of time. Where do they come from? Where did you learn them? Are they truly serving you? Just start thinking about it.  

And next, how can you focus on building connection rather than chasing chemistry? Consider ways where you can prioritize deeper conversations, trust, shared experiences, anything like that.  That's where we're going to really start building that long lasting connection that we're looking for. 

And lastly, what actions can you take this week to create emotional safety in your relationship? So, whether it's with a partner or a friend, or even yourself, think about how you can show up in a way that fosters that trust and connection. Now, these prompts are just a way for you to deepen your understanding of today's session. Feel free, we can talk about them in the Q and A,  use them later on when you're journaling, use them to take notes, and they might even reveal some surprising insights about yourself. 

I hope that you were able to get as much out of that support session as the ladies did during the session. It was absolutely amazing. The questions that they asked afterwards were fantastic. In fact, if you want to check them out, when you jump into the Facebook group, there will be a post there and you can ask for the full replay there only for the members. So I keep it locked down on YouTube, but you can ask for it at any time. So again, we hope to see you at our next support session. You can join us by clicking on the link in the show notes to join the Facebook group or just by going to Facebook and searching, Speak Honest secure communication for women, and we hope to see you there, and I cannot wait to get a chance to speak with you. Until next week, Take care. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we cover today. Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there.

And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest.