51. Emotional Regulation: How to Stop Reacting and Start Responding in Your Relationships

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Do you feel like your emotions take over when things get tough in your relationships? Whether it's blowing up over small things or shutting down completely, emotional regulation can be the key to turning things around. In this episode, I dive deep into why emotional regulation is essential and how to master it to communicate more effectively and connect deeper with your partner.

You might want to listen if:

• You often feel like your emotions are hijacking your responses during conflict.
• You’re frustrated with your tendency to shut down or lash out in heated moments.
• You want to learn how to pause and reflect, instead of reacting impulsively.
• You find yourself overthinking when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations.
• You struggle with feeling misunderstood, and want tools to regain control over your emotional responses.

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes fr...

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.  

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest I'm Jenn Noble, your go to relationship coach. And on today's episode, I want to dive into the topic of emotional regulation.

Now I want to explore what exactly emotional regulation is, why it's so important and how to achieve it. But first, if you're struggling with your emotional regulation, and if you're constantly having a hard time telling your partner what you need. And maybe you blow up when he doesn't fold the laundry the right way or you freak out when he doesn't text you back.

Whatever your story is, this is your chance to get the dedicated, personalized, one on one help you need to start healing your relationships and get it cruising on the right course again. I'm offering a free coaching call to anyone who wants to dive deep into what's really going on in their relationships.

Now, listen, this coaching is not for everyone. And if you've listened to my other coaching calls on the podcast, you know that I ask some hard hitting questions. I really push you to look at the role you play in this relationship. My goal is to get to the root cause of your problem and heal it from the inside out.

So if you're struggling with your emotions, if you blow up or you shut down, you slam pots and pans or you storm off during an argument. Let's start off by getting to the root cause of your emotional reactions and let's leave you with tangible advice that you can start using right away. This is your time to get clarity, take control and leave with actionable steps that'll make a difference in your relationships for weeks, months, and even years to come.

Now, if this sounds like something you need right now, then I want you to click on the link in the show notes to book your free coaching call with me. It's super simple. I want you to scroll on down to the show notes and you're going to click on a link that says something like schedule a free podcast coaching call with Jenn.

And then that's it. You know what, in fact, I want you to pause the episode right now, I want you to go and scroll down, click on the link, book a time with me, and then come back and finish listening. Cause I cannot wait to chat with you. Now let's start chatting about emotional regulation.  

Okay, so what even is emotional regulation and why is it so important in our relationships? At its core, emotional regulation is simply the ability to manage and respond to your emotions in a healthy way. It's about finding that balance between feeling your feelings and making sure those feelings don't take over, especially in moments where you need to stay grounded and communicate more effectively.

Think about it like this, when something triggers you, whether it's a text, or an offhanded comment, or something your partner does, your emotions can feel like a tidal wave, and in those moments, you don't have emotional regulation, and the waves just come crashing right over you, and suddenly, you're reacting without thinking.

Have you ever been there? I have many times and I'm sure you have too. And here's why emotional regulation is so important. When you can regulate your emotions, you're giving yourself the space to respond instead of just reacting. Now I want you to listen to that again. Come back to the podcast with me if you zoned out.

We want to respond, not react.  So responding looks a little bit like taking a deep breath when you feel triggered and saying, Hey, I just need a moment to process this. Maybe it's speaking from a place of clarity and self awareness. And you can say something like, Hey, I'm feeling really upset right now because I didn't hear from you and I'm, I'm worried.  And maybe you could just say something like being able to pause and reflect and, and communicate your needs in a calm and respectful way.  

Versus what does reacting look like? Reacting looks like blowing up in the moment and feeling triggered and saying something like, Why didn't you text me back? You never care about me.  Or it might look like shutting down completely. And withdrawing without saying anything at all. And that will usually leave your partner feeling pretty confused and hurt.  Reacting also looks like letting your emotions take over, and saying things in the heat of the moment that you later regret. Maybe something like, You always do this. This is always your fault. I can't believe we're doing this again, right? Like, you're such an asshole. 

All these things are just spewing out of our mouths. And that's because of our emotional  dysregulation.  And figuring out these two things, the difference between responding and reacting, will completely transform any relationship you're in.

Because if you're unable to manage your emotions during important moments, then it is way too easy to say things you don't mean or shut down when you actually want to be connecting.  And this creates a cycle of emotional chaos in yourself and your relationships where every little thing feels way bigger than it needs to be. 

But why is this happening? And why can't you get control of it? Why is it so hard to get control of our emotions in these moments? And the answer just comes down to how our brains are wired. See, when you're triggered, whether it's a text or a comment or something that reminds us of a past pain, our brain goes into fight or flight mode, and that's our amygdala doing its job.

It's sending out the alarm bells that, hey, something's wrong here. Doo doo doo doo doo. And when that happens, our prefrontal cortex, it doesn't like the sound of that alarm. And that's the part of our brain that helps us think clearly and make rational decisions. Well, it starts hiding because it doesn't like when the alarm is sounding.

So when your amygdala is firing off like that, it's making that weird, annoying, boo boo boo sound.  You're operating from pure emotion. And the prefrontal cortex, it's completely out of the game. So instead of being able to pause, Reflect and choose your response. You're reacting based on your feelings in the moment.

No filter, no logic. It's like driving a car with your foot on the gas and going head first into traffic. It is just a disaster.  Think about a time when you felt that emotional rush. Maybe it was a fight with your partner or a moment when you felt totally misunderstood. How did you respond?  Did you speak your mind right away? Shut down? Maybe things just started spewing out of your mouth? That is the emotional hijacking happening right there.  

So why does it feel so impossible to control it in the moment? Why are we being hijacked? Well, it all comes down to this concept. Now, this is from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and it comes from the BTEA,  and this stands for your beliefs, your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions.

And here's how it works. Your beliefs, they shape the thoughts that you have, which in turn, those thoughts create your emotions in your body, and then the beliefs, the thoughts, and the emotions eventually lead to your actions. Do you see how this works? Beliefs, thoughts, emotions, actions. So let me break it down with a quick example.

Imagine you believe, over here. B, that you're not enough.  So maybe you don't think you're smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough.  If that belief is at the core of how you view yourself, then your thoughts are going to follow by thinking something like, he doesn't love me because I'm not good enough.

He's cheating because I'm not pretty enough. He'll never be into me because I'm not worthy enough. You hear how those thoughts are coming up  and see, so when he doesn't text you back, your emotions now kick in. You get sad. You get hurt, you get angry, you get frustrated. And then what happens next? The thing we all want to prevent, the actions.

Maybe you send him five texts in a row. Maybe it's a wall of texts. Maybe you shut down. Maybe you call him and you cuss him out and you say, Why don't you ever care about me? You never do anything right.  All of this is just reacting from that emotional space because you've been triggered by that original belief at the beginning. 

But here's the thing, what if, just, you know, play along with me here, what if we didn't have that belief in the first place? See how this works? What if you knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are enough?  If you had that belief in place, then your thoughts would be different. When he doesn't text you back, you wouldn't think, oh, I must have done something wrong. You must think, I wonder if he's really busy. I hope everything's okay with him. Well, this doesn't seem like him. I'll have to ask him about it later.  

See how if your belief in yourself is that you are enough, then your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions are going to completely change. Your emotions won't be hijacked by a sense of unworthiness anymore. So instead of jumping into a whirlwind of overthinking, you'd feel more at ease.  You'd act from a place of emotional regulation instead of reacting impulsively. And this is where the power of emotional regulation comes in. When you shift your beliefs, your thoughts and emotions start to shift too.

And when your thoughts and emotions are in alignment, your actions follow suit. See how this works? You stop reacting to the world based on your insecurities and you start responding from a more grounded and regulated space. 

Now, before we finish up today's episode, I want to throw out the special invitation again. If you've been listening to this podcast and you're thinking, Jenn, I need help. I could really use some personalized help. Because my emotions are all over the place. I keep lashing out. No matter what I do, it's just like, it just comes out of me and I can't stop it.

Beautiful. I was there too. I totally get what it is. My clients are there all the time. I helped them through this. I want to invite you to come on the podcast with me for a free coaching call. Yeah, this is your chance to get one on one support from me, and we're going to dive into what's really going on in your relationship, in your body, in your emotions.

What's your original belief? If you had to lay out your own B T E A, your beliefs, your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions. Where's it starting from? And if you don't know, then let me help you jump on the podcast with me and get the help that you need. And remember, every time we have someone come on these podcasts, it's not just helping you.

It's not just helping me. It's helping all the other women out there that are listening to these stories. So if you've ever gotten help from listening to one of my other coaching calls, then I highly, highly encourage you to come on the podcast with me and be a part of this community. Let's get to the root of any emotional roadblocks you are facing.

You are going to leave this podcast coaching call with tangible, practical advice that you can use right away to start shifting your emotional responses and communicating more effectively with your partner. And it's all totally free. All you have to do is click on the link in the show notes to schedule your session and we'll set up a time to chat.

I cannot wait to work with you. So if this sounds like something you need right now, go ahead, book your spot and I will see you then. And of course, if you enjoyed the episode, you know, be sure to subscribe and rate it if you ever can. And so that way you don't miss any future episodes because I want to be able to help as many women as I can in 2025.  I will speak to you all next week. Take care. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, click the link. Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there. And please remember to rate, review and subscribe. If you enjoyed today's podcast, your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest.