46. Why Boundaries Are Hard and How to Set Them Like a Boss

 How do you draw the line with your loved ones without feeling like the bad guy?
In this episode, we dive into one of the toughest parts of family dynamics, setting boundaries. Let’s be real... boundaries with family can feel impossible. From guilt and conflict to emotional attachment, family makes it tricky. But guess what? Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about building healthier, stronger relationships.

You might want to listen if:

• You dread family gatherings because you always feel drained afterward.
• You struggle to say “no” without feeling guilty or selfish.
• Your family doesn’t respect your time or space (like ever).
• You’re tired of tiptoeing around to avoid arguments.
• You want practical ways to set limits and stick to them without the drama.

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Transcript

 Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and Certified Relationship Coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face?  Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in. 

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jenn Noble, your go to relationship coach, and on today's episode, we are going to be talking about setting healthy boundaries with family, ugh, right?? I don't know about you, but when I think about setting a boundary with my family, my whole body starts to just shrivel up. I just don't want to do it. There's so many things that hold me back from setting boundaries, but it's costing me my happiness. So I want to get into that with all of you.

But before we get started, I want to remind you that we have our 12 week intensive relationship reboot program starting on January 13th. I am so excited to get this program up and going in January. I think it is probably one of my favorite times to be in the program because it's that fresh start. It's that January vibe.

You know what I mean? Where we want to make a fresh start. So if you are looking at bettering your communication in your relationships, now would be the perfect time to reach out to me and get started. I want you to go to speak honest. com slash assessment and schedule in a 30 minute completely free assessment with me.

This is where you Get started on healthier communication in your relationships. Are you stuck in toxic relationship patterns where you're just stuck in the same fight every time with your husband, or you keep breaking up with your boyfriend every six months or every year. And it just seems like nothing is sticking because the same situations, the same patterns, the same toxicity keeps happening.

Listen, you're not alone. This is exactly what I do. I coach women exactly like you, how to break out of these toxic patterns. And I would love to talk with you. If the relationship reboot program is something that you're looking for, great. We'll talk about how to get you set up. And if not, great, I'll still help you.

I'll get you some free resources. This assessment is your choice. time. This assessment is for you and I really want you to sign up and so please go to speak honest. com slash assessment to sign up for your 30 minute assessment before the program starts on January 13th. Now is the time to do it. I can't wait to talk to you.

Now let's get on with the episode. 

I am so glad you're here for this one because today we're going to be talking about a topic that can feel Extra tricky, setting boundaries with family. Let's face it, family is, you know, family and we love them of course and they're important to us, but sometimes they're also the hardest people to set boundaries with.

I know for many of us, boundaries with family can feel uncomfortable or even impossible at times, but here's the truth. Setting healthy boundaries with the people closest to us can actually strengthen those relationship bonds, not weaken them. So we are going to dive into why boundaries are especially challenging with family, why they're so important, and how you can start setting them in a way that feels respectful and doable.

All right. Are you ready to dig in? Let's get started. I want to start with this first. Do you find it? Difficult to set boundaries with family. Now, if you're sitting there right now and you're nodding your head, I promise you I'm not looking at you through a window. It's just I have been there. I know what it's like because family dynamics can be so complicated.

There's history, their shared experiences, and sometimes A sense of responsibility to keep the peace. So why do you think it's especially challenging to set boundaries with family? Well, that's because they are the ones that develop in us these deep seated fears in the first place. And that's why it's just so hard.

So let's talk about this, right? Why with families, does it feel like a whole different ballgame than with our coworkers or with our best friends or just with acquaintances? It's because setting boundaries with anyone can be tough, but with family, there's an extra layer of complexity. So first there's emotional attachment.

These relationships have so much history, so many shared experiences and expectations that have been building over the years. So sometimes these have been going on for decades and it's not easy to shift those dynamics in a couple months or even a couple years.  But then we also have the fear of conflict.

No one wants to be the person who stirs the pot at the family dinner. We often avoid setting boundaries because we're worried about upsetting people or starting an argument and the stakes feel so high, especially when it's family.  And then let's talk about guilt and obligation. This one can feel terrible.

heavy. Family can come with this sense of duty. Like we should always be available or we should always have to say yes. So when we even think about setting a boundary, that guilt creeps in. Does this sound familiar? Here's the thing, though. Without boundaries, we risk burning out or building up resentment.

And that's actually what can hurt those relationships. the most. Alright, so we've talked about why boundaries are hard, but now let's flip the script and talk about why they're so important, especially with our families. See, first, boundaries protect your emotional health. Without them, we end up sacrificing our well being to make others happy.

And this leads to burnout. and resentment. Boundaries are a way of making sure you are taking care of you,  but then there's respect. So when we set boundaries, we're showing respect, not only for ourselves, but also for others. We are being clear about what's okay and what isn't, which helps everyone.

Everyone understand each other better and ultimately boundaries lead to stronger relationships. When you're clear about your limits, your relationships can become healthier and more balanced. Boundaries aren't about pushing people away. They're about creating a space where everyone's needs are met.

Including yours are respected. So remember setting boundaries with family is actually a way to build healthier and more fulfilling connections, not to cut them off,  but that's why it's so important to do this. But I hear you're all asking, Jenn, this is great. I understand boundaries are important, but how do we do this?

Well, let's talk about how to actually set a boundary. First, I want you to get clear on what your boundaries are. I want you to figure out what you need. What's upsetting you? What is your body telling you? Do you need more time for yourself? Do you need less criticism for your life choices? More respect for your time?

I want you to get clear on what boundaries you need that will help you feel more balanced moving forward. And then I want you to start small. We don't need to jump in with the biggest, scariest boundary first with the biggest, scariest person in our family. Instead, I want you to start small and manageable.

Say no to a minor request that your coworker asked. Maybe set a limit on how often you'll answer late night texts from your friends. These are the ways that we set boundaries for ourselves. And then I want you to be direct, but compassionate. When you are ready to set a boundary, I want you to use I statements that focus on how you feel.

So, for example, instead of saying, I don't want to host anymore! This is getting ridiculous! You know, we can just say, Hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed when I'm expected to host every holiday. I need help with this. Could you rotate with me? And see how being clear without blaming can help us to create these boundaries. 

And then we need to anticipate pushback. This is so important. People often come to me and say, Jenn, I set a boundary. It was so great. And then they got pissed off at me. They blew up at me. They left. And it's like, yes.  That's what's going to happen. Why else do you think we have to set a boundary? Family members might not like the new boundaries at first, and that's O. 

Let's expect some resistance. This is perfectly normal. What is it like for you when you get rejected or when you hear no? It makes you upset, doesn't it? But this is why we want to stay firm and consistent and compassionate. Boundaries are about setting limits that work for you. Not seeking everyone's approval. 

And then I want you to stay consistent. This is the key. Boundaries only work when you stick to them. If you give in the first time, someone pushes back. So if you say, I don't want to host Thanksgiving dinner, you know, this year, mom, and she goes, Oh, come on, we need you to do it. And you say, okay. You know, that is you giving in, you need to stay consistent.

You need to be firm yet compassionate when you're sending the message and it shows that your limits are real. Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, but with the more practice you give it, the more natural it become.  I want to tell you about a story I had with a client and she had a rough boundary issue with her mom.

See, her mom had a key to her house and she would just come over unannounced all the time, sometimes even letting herself in, you know, when her and her husband weren't even there. And it was starting to really affect her marriage. Her husband felt like they had zero privacy. They were having more fights.

And so my client knew something had to change. So she came to me and was asking, you know, Jenn, how do I do this? So we worked together and we decided to start small. And we worked on some boundaries and other places, and then eventually we built up to sending a text to her mother. And it was after a time when her mom had let herself in yet again.

And so she sent her a text and you know, Hey mom, I noticed you stopped by the other day and let yourself in. Can you please do me a favor and let me know next time before you come over. It's nice, simple text. Generally speaking, you send something like this to someone that say, okay, yeah, no problem. Now of course this didn't go down very well.

The text was incredibly respectful. It felt great to my client, but it did not land well. Her mom called her back right away, almost immediately getting the text and got incredibly passive aggressive. And this happens, right? This is going to happen. People pout sometimes when we set boundaries. We just want to let them pout.

But when my client came back to me and told me everything that happened, what we decided to start working on. With these beliefs underneath the fears of setting these boundaries. So when her mom came back and got passive aggressive, my client felt bad. She felt like she was the problem. She felt like everything was her fault.

She felt like she was weak. Do you see where these beliefs are coming from? And these beliefs are holding her back from setting these boundaries. So we worked on them for quite a while. And this was great because a couple months later, her mom texts and says, Hey, I'm coming over to drop something off today.

This is a good sign. She's texting first. But before my client could even respond back, the mom had already let herself into the house. And she was like, okay, this is exactly what she didn't want it. I mean, like what if her and her husband, you know, we're having some living room sex time or something like that.

This can't be happening. Right. So she had to say something. So I'm so proud of her. She went to the bathroom. She took a breath and she did the raise method that I often talk about. And if you have any questions about that, reach out to me. I'll let you know what it is. She came back out and she said, mom, thank you so much for letting me know first.

But next time, can you please wait to hear back from me before letting yourself in? Now, see how we are building on the boundaries. So the first boundary wasn't enough. So we're just going to be more consistent and more firm and more direct. But as you can imagine, yet again, this didn't go down well with her mom and her mom blew up.

She got really upset. Things got really uncomfortable. There's sugarcoating this. But here's the part. That makes me so proud. So right here in this moment, in the heat of the moment, my client says to her mom that she wants the key back. He says, mom, if you're not going to respect me for this decision, I'm going to have to ask for the key back.

You can't be acting this way.  None of this had been planned, right? I hadn't talked to her through this. We had talked about it a couple of times of if she wanted to return the key or anything like that, but. This was all based on her instinct and her gut feeling, and she felt so powerful and so great after this when she came back to me.

It was one of the hardest boundaries she had ever set, and it was not easy. And I want to be really honest here that her mom got really upset. And did not speak to her for, I think it was like three months. You can imagine someone who's that close with their mom and this is happening and it's really hard.

So I worked with her for a while during these three months to build up her self confidence, her self worth, and to see that this is okay and that we can still have a relationship with your mother. She just needs time to cool off because sometimes we just have to let the people we're setting boundaries with pelt.

We just have to let them go off, let them cool off and it'll be okay. And about three months later, the mom came back with some silly texts asking for a recipe or something like that. And now the two of them have a great relationship. It is so great getting to hear everything that they're doing together.

And the mom is really starting to respect her now. Do you see how this works? So yes, it might get worse before it gets better. But I promise you it'll be totally worth it in the end.  So as we're wrapping up here, I just want to go over everything we talked about. So remember boundaries protect your emotional health.

They are essential for keeping you from feeling drained or resentful. Also boundaries show respect both for yourself and for your loved ones. By setting limits, you're honoring your needs and giving others the chance to respect them as well. And lastly, and this is so important to remember, if there's one thing you remember from this entire podcast, I want you to remember this.

Boundaries. Strengthen. Relationships. Okay, I'm going to say it again. Boundaries strengthen relationships. It might get uncomfortable. It might get a little bit bad in the beginning.  There may be a lot of pushback. There might even be some leaving. But in the long run, boundaries allow for healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Once they make it through, it's so important.  Thank you all so much for coming along on this ride with me today on this podcast and for talking about boundaries. Again, I want to just invite you to book an assessment with me. If you are interested in learning more about how to set healthy boundaries, we actually work on boundaries and week eight and nine in the program.

So if you can imagine, that's all the way down at week eight or nine. Before that, we're working on attachment styles, goal setting, attachment wounds, finding our personality needs. We're doing all of this work. And then we're getting to boundaries. So after listening to this podcast, you're still sitting there thinking, it is really hard for me, Jenn, to set boundaries.

I keep trying and I keep failing at it. Well, I just want you to know you're not failing. You're trying and that's what's important, but also I get it because setting boundaries is one of the hardest things we can do. It's why I put it at the end of the program because we have to work on all of this other stuff first before we can get to a place where we're feeling comfortable to set them.

So if this sounds like you, I want you to go to speak honest. com slash assessment, book an assessment with me and we'll talk about what it is that you need to get to a place to start building healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships through setting boundaries. Healthy boundaries. I cannot wait to talk to you.

I'm so excited. I'll talk to you all next week. Take care. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there.

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