45. Letting Go Without Losing Yourself | Coaching Call with Jissell

Have you ever felt like letting go of someone meant losing a piece of yourself?

In this raw and deeply heartfelt episode, I reconnect with Jissell as she bravely opens up about her journey to let go of a long-term relationship that no longer served her. Together, we explore the emotional knots tied to past wounds, the struggle to set boundaries without guilt, and how to embrace self-worth without needing external validation. It’s a vulnerable and inspiring conversation that offers practical tools for healing and growth.

You might want to listen if:

• You feel like letting go of someone means losing a part of yourself.
• Setting boundaries makes you feel selfish or cruel.
• You over give in relationships and neglect your own needs.
• Your inner child holds onto past wounds that impact your current relationships.
• You’re ready to reclaim your worth and start prioritizing yourself.

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Transcript

**Jenn**:

Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. On today's podcast, I'm actually having back a previous guest that I had on a previous episode. So this is Jissell and Jissell was on episode 18. If you want to go back and listen to that first episode, it might help you to kind of understand where we're going. I also think that this is a bit of a standalone episode, so it should be totally fine and you can just catch up if you need to.

But this is a great episode for you if you are somebody that just struggles with letting go. Is that something that you struggle with a lot in your life, where you just feel like you can't let go of these people that are so important to you in your life, because if you do, you feel like something bad's going to happen, or you feel like you're a bad person or that it's all your fault.

And that's what I get to talking to with Jissell on this episode. So I do want to be mindful that there is a bit of a trigger warning for this episode. We do talk about suicide and so if that is something that triggers you, then you might want to skip this one. But if this is something where you yourself have been struggling with, I highly, highly recommend sticking through and being able to listen. Jissell gets so deep. This is maybe one of the deepest and most vulnerable conversations I've had on a podcast with someone. In fact, I, I nearly thought about canceling it because I just thought, no, this is too raw. Like this isn't fair to somebody else's emotions. But Jissell is the type of person as you'll hear that she likes to give to a lot of people and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing about her.

And so as a result, she wants to give this to all of you. So I hope you all honor it. I hope you hold her in your hearts and I hope you see that this is a beautiful opportunity for us all to heal together. So again, if you want to check out Jissell's first podcast, it is episode 18, how to end a relationship and hold to your boundaries.

And as you'll see in this episode, the very thing that she was talking about in the first episode, which was all about, I really want to break up with someone, but I don't know how to let him go. And I don't know how to hold my boundaries. Well, a couple of months have gone by and the very thing she was afraid was going to happen is happening.

This is incredibly common. There's no problem, no shame here whatsoever. In fact, I'm so proud of her for being able to see this about herself. Come back, ask for the help and get the help that she needs. I'm so incredibly proud of her. If you've been on the podcast before and you want to come back for a follow-up, Always ask me, that's no problem.

I'll let you know if there's space or not. And this month there just happened to be space. And I was so excited to be able to help her out. So again, I want you to listen to this episode, really hearing the pain and the anguish that Jissell is going through. But I want you to think about this in your own life.

Where are you holding yourself back? Where are you giving so much of yourself to everyone around you? But forgetting about yourself. So I want you to be thinking about those things as you listen to my coaching call with Jissell.

**Jenn**:

Hi there, Jissell. It's so good to have you back on the podcast. How can I help?

**Jissell**:

Hi, it's great to be back. Thank you. I am struggling with trying to move on from a breakup that I've been through recently, and we had visited about that before, and I'm struggling with that moving on and letting go and just that whole thing. I'm, I'm having a hard time not wanting to reach back out and I know I shouldn't do that.

**Jenn**:

Oh yeah. That's always a big one.

**Jissell**:

Right.

**Jenn**:

So for everyone listening, and I'll talk about this a little bit in the intro as well, but Jissell was on the podcast back during the summertime. One of my first ever guests, which is so sweet to have her back here. And I remember when we were talking, then you were like, I know I want to break up with this man, I know he's not meeting my needs. It's just that it's hard. And I want to be able to do it in an authentic and kind and compassionate way, which you were afraid to hold to your boundaries. And then lo and behold, we are to the place that you were afraid of, weren't we? And so that's okay. You, I mean, girl, you knew that about yourself, right? So, so good for you for knowing.

**Jissell**:

It took a couple of months, but I, I got there and now I'm, I'm, um, just struggling staying there.

**Jenn**:

Wow. So many people have struggled with that. So tell me about what you're struggling with the most right now and how I can help. What are we looking for?

**Jissell**:

I guess. You're welcome. Right now, I'm just trying to make it minute by minute, so I'm having a lot of times where I feel just utter panic, so I'm trying, I need to try to find a way to get myself under control during that.

**Jenn**:

Can we stop down there?

**Jissell**:

Yes.

**Jenn**:

Would that be okay?

**Jissell**:

Oh yeah.

**Jenn**:

Okay, tell me more about the dysregulation that's going on. Okay, so actually let me get a little bit more details if that's okay. Okay. So, you broke up with him. When did you end up breaking up with him?

**Jissell**:

It's been a month. And actually, I had been telling him it was coming and then he's the one that pulled the trigger, so. Which was kind of a blessing at the time, but

**Jenn**:

now you're a little bit like, Oh, yeah. Okay. So about a month ago, you guys finally broke up and have you had contact since then?

**Jissell**:

Yes. Twice.

**Jenn**:

Twice? Okay.

**Jissell**:

Just texts.

**Jenn**:

Okay. And what is it that are you guys doing now? Are you in no contact? Are you still talking?

We've had no contact in about for, I would say two weeks, maybe three. And when there was, it was just a picture. He's, um, he's good at just sending a random picture. You know.

**Jenn**:

Yeah. So classic.

**Jissell**:

Very classic. And then I wanted to send a novel after that, so I, I held myself back from doing that.

**Jenn**:

That's amazing.

**Jissell**:

It was hard.

**Jenn**:

I bet it was hard.

**Jissell**:

I didn't feel like it was really being me. It felt cold. It felt cruel. Because I know what he was looking for, and that felt cruel to me too. And I wanted to say more,

**Jenn**:

but you're trying to work on right now, completely breaking up with him. Right? Cause you don't want to fall back into those old patterns is this has been going on for years. Hasn't it?

**Jissell**:

Yes.

**Jenn**:

Yeah. And I think I remember talking to you about this before, but remember the, the idea of what not wanting to be cruel. Right. All this stuff, the problem is when we set boundaries, somebody has to kind of feel hurt. Right.

**Jissell**:

I know.

**Jenn**:

And so you're not doing him any favors by leaning him on or getting his hopes back up again or anything. So you're not being cruel at all. In fact, you're being incredibly good and kind and compassionate by keeping to your boundary. I just want to reframe that for you. Can you hear that when I say it?

**Jissell**:

I, I hear it when I can think of it being someone else. When I think of it being me, it doesn't feel, it feels like it's being cruel. Because I want to nurture him. I feel like I would like to comfort him.

**Jenn**:

Well, talk to me through that. Why do you feel like you need to nurture and comfort him?

**Jissell**:

I know that's something that he needs and that I could give. And that's always been our role that we fell into. And, um, It's hard for me to hold that part of myself back.

**Jenn**:

Remind me and yourself, why did you stop giving him the comfort and the nurturing?

**Jissell**:

Because I knew that it wasn't gonna work out. I knew that it was, there's no way that I couldn't have been happy in that. We, there was like a lot of incompatibility and there was a lot of me having to stuff myself down and mold myself to fit into his world And I felt invisible, I felt insignificant, there was a lot of that and I just kept just pushing that down and trying to cheer him on the whole time and I couldn't live that way.

**Jenn**:

Yeah. And that's why I'm so proud of you for being able to finally step out of that, right? And see yourself and see what you deserve. But this seems like there's a disconnect going on. So what might help us here and you know, let me know if this resonates is figuring out a way to get you to see that this comfort and nurturing that you're giving to him isn't necessarily your authentic self. It's your attached self.

**Jissell**:

Right.

**Jenn**:

Because who should we be giving the comforting and the nurturing to?

**Jissell**:

Me. Yeah, yeah.

**Jenn**:

And then hopefully, eventually a man who deserves it. But for right now, you. And if you're giving it all to him, you're not getting it. Now that sounds inauthentic to me. Why wouldn't you be giving it to yourself?

**Jissell**:

I've just, I think I've always, the way that I've, that's a way that comforting other people and nurturing other people is a way that it fills me up in a way. So I think it's kind of a weird, it's all mixed in there and I don't. I don't know what it feels like to give that to myself without there being another person that I'm giving it to. I, without feeling attached, like I'm, I'm giving it to this person and so by doing that, I'm, I'm worried.

**Jenn**:

You kind of think that by doing stuff for other people, it's creating your worth.

**Jissell**:

Oh, yeah.

**Jenn**:

Now, loving on people, Oh. Caring for people, nurturing for people. That's actually just a high need for a lot of people. It's a beautiful thing. Again, I think we talked about this in the last episode, which is the last coaching that we did, which stunning, right? And also we see now that it might be holding you back from actually living your authentic self.

**Jissell**:

Yes, definitely.

**Jenn**:

Because your authentic self is worthy, Jissell, 100 percent without doing anything for anyone. That is authenticity right there.

**Jissell**:

Right.

**Jenn**:

What just came up for you right there?

**Jissell**:

I think my identity is just always, has always just come from being that person to other people and I don't know how to separate myself from that. It's so much ingrained in my identity. I feel almost like by not giving that to him. I'm losing a piece of myself.

**Jenn**:

That's a big one. Can we sit with that? Can we give that some attention? Would that be okay?

**Jissell**:

Yes. Oh yeah.

**Jenn**:

Let's go ahead and check in with our body. Where in your body do you feel that lost part of yourself?

**Jissell**:

I would say from like the pit of my stomach up to the top of my throat.

**Jenn**:

Oof, that's a big one. So from The pit of your stomach to the top of your throat. And what does it feel like?

**Jissell**:

It feels tight and constrictive. Like rubber bands.

**Jenn**:

Like, uh, is it like a, like a big rubber band that goes from your navel up to your throat, or are there just bunches of rubber bands going down the way?

**Jissell**:

I think they're just twisted in big, giant knots, lots of different ones. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

**Jenn**:

Tons and tons of rubber bands that are just causing so much constriction and all this stuff going on. And, and I heard you say, and you can always correct me if I'm wrong here, that this is coming from losing a piece of yourself.

**Jissell**:

Well, Yeah. Yeah. That, that feeling's coming from the grief that I'm going through over this breakout. Um, I feel like not reaching out, not giving him any kind of comfort, just leaving him to, just leaving him the way that I have or the way that it feels like I have, that feels like I'm not being myself. I'm not that's not me.

**Jenn**:

I'm gonna go through a little bit of an inquiry with you So I'm gonna ask you some questions and I may interrupt But it's all only because I'm trying to get to a deeper level if at any time you want to finish your sentence or want me to stop interrupting? Just let me know. Okay, you're in full control here. Okay?

**Jissell**:

Okay.

**Jenn**:

So we have these rubber bands Going up and down and you said, when you don't comfort him, when you don't reach out to him, it doesn't feel like yourself. And I want to ask you this, what type of a person doesn't comfort someone?

**Jissell**:

Oh, to me, it seems like somebody that doesn't care.

**Jenn**:

Okay, great. So this feeling that you don't care, you're not a caring person. That's the meaning we're giving behind this. Does that bring up anything for you when I say it?

**Jissell**:

Um, yeah. I think it, it brings up a lot of, um, I'm, I worry that he thinks I don't care.

**Jenn**:

Yeah. And you know why you worry about that? Is it okay if I interrupt you real quick? Oh, yes. Okay. And you want to know why you worry about that?

**Jissell**:

Why?

**Jenn**:

It's because you think it about yourself. That's what's happening right now. You have a deep-seated belief inside of you that you're bad or you're not caring or you're not good enough. And so it's causing you or you're unworthy. That was the other one. And it's causing you to go around and do and do and do and do and do for everyone else, except for yourself. And same with this man and spend six some years going back and forth, back and forth and not living your authentic life. Is this okay for me to keep saying this? Okay, I just want to make sure I just I know it's heavy, but I just want to make sure. Okay. And the thing is, is this feeling right there when I asked you like what type of a person wouldn't comfort someone and your initial reaction was an uncaring person. And I'm afraid he thinks I'm uncaring.

**Jissell**:

Right.

**Jenn**:

But you know that feeling like, what if he thought you were an orange bush? Right? Yeah. Yeah. What if he thought you were short? Or what if, yeah, what if he thought like, you know, what if he just thought you were a dog? Yeah. It wouldn't bother you, right? You even see it. You feel lighter in your body right now, don't you?

**Jissell**:

Right. Yeah. Oh yeah.

**Jenn**:

It's because it's hitting on something. And he hasn't even said this. It's you bringing this up. And that's okay. There's no fault here. But it's what's coming up for you because there's a deep-seated belief inside of you that says, I have to do this stuff in order to be a good person. And that's just not true. You are a good person. So I want to ask you again, is this the first time you've ever felt uncaring?

**Jissell**:

Um, oh no. Well, I don't, I mean it's not the first time I've been afraid that someone thinks I don't care. I, I've um, my childhood, um, my father, there are a lot of parallels with this situation. And I haven't had that come up in my adult life that I've been aware of, and I've really examined it a lot until this person. And I see so many parallels with my father and the way I would try to prove to him that I cared. He was very depressed all my life. And so there was a lot of me trying to comforting him through that and prove that I cared and I loved him and it was worth hanging around and that sort of thing.

**Jenn**:

Would it be okay if we explored your childhood a little bit?

**Jissell**:

Oh, yes.

**Jenn**:

Okay, so if you didn't show your dad that you cared, what would happen? He, um, he, he always threatened suicide all my life. And then he finally I know. He, okay. Yeah, when I was an adult.

**Jenn**:

Okay, so he did, he did take his own life?

**Jissell**:

Right.

**Jenn**:

Okay, then that makes a, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

**Jissell**:

20 years ago or so. Yeah.

**Jenn**:

Okay. What's going on in your body right now, Jissell? Um, That's a lot.

**Jissell**:

I feel real helpless.

**Jenn**:

Okay. You're safe with me right here, right now? Are you okay?

**Jissell**:

Yes.

**Jenn**:

Yes. We can go anywhere, anything you want to do. You're in full control right now. I think you're doing an amazing job if we keep exploring this, but it's a lot. So if you need to bounce out at any time, okay.

**Jissell**:

Oh no, I'm, I'm, I'm fine with it

**Jenn**:
Okay, you're so brave. This is amazing. You're doing beautiful.  You can see how, at least I can. Can I share you, can I share with you what I see and tell me if it resonates?

**Jissell**:
Oh yes.  

**Jenn**:
I see a little girl  who tried so hard To make someone in her life feel loved and cared for and comforted.  And unfortunately, no matter how hard she tried,  the person that she loved the most still took his own life. And I, so she feels like she did that. Is that true? 

**Jissell**:
Um, probably. I, I, yes, I think that when I was, I, not so much that when he did it, I felt like. It was my doing. I think at that point I realized  that there was nothing I could have done. But I think growing up as a little girl, I would just try to  reach him all the time. Just try to reach him, try to reach him and, you know, show him, prove that I,  that I loved him and that he was worth, you know, that  was such a big part of my life. 

**Jenn**:
That's a lot for a, how, how old were you when this started?  

**Jissell**:
With my daddy? 

**Jenn**:
Yeah. 

**Jissell**:
Oh, gosh.  Two or three, I guess I remember probably three is my first memory. 

**Jenn**:
Do you, so you're three years old and your dad is depressed and he's, he's already getting started on this. You know, it's probably new at that point in time, maybe not as heavy. It gets worse. Depression is hard. 

**Jissell**:
Right. 

**Jenn**:
Do you know any three year olds? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do. Can you picture a little three year old right now? Yes.  Yeah.  And if I told you this three year old thinks it's her responsibility  for a grown up's feelings, what would you say? 

**Jissell**:
Oh, I would know that was  completely  not.

**Jenn**:
 Yeah. Remind me, do you have kids? 

**Jissell**:
Yes. 

**Jenn**:
Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay. 

**Jissell**:
Right. I've got. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. 

**Jenn**:
Yeah. Oh, you've got guys like your ones are grown and things, but when they were little and you were going through something, would you want them to take that responsibility? 

**Jissell**:
Oh, no, no,  no, no. Yeah. 

**Jenn**:
And when you were growing up and you became six and seven and eight and you became more aware of your dad and you became more and more doing, who did you tell when you were sad and upset? 

**Jissell**:
I  don't know. I, um,  really probably no one. My mother knew she was there. I don't think she realized that  she didn't realize how serious it was. Um, and then she kind of, they, they got a divorce. So then she, it wasn't her problem anymore at that point  in her eyes. I think, and so that put me in a different role. 

**Jenn**:
Yeah. And here she is. She left. It's not her problem. So it becomes even more your problem. Doesn't it? 

**Jissell**:
Right. 

**Jenn**:
She just left that to you.  

**Jissell**:
Right. 

**Jenn**:
And you have no one to tell how, if you have like a seven year old who's going through something, who would you want them to tell?  

**Jissell**:
My, the seven year old that I know would want to tell me or his mommy.

**Jenn**:
Of course she would. But  you couldn't tell your mom, could you?  

**Jissell**:
No.

**Jenn**:
She wasn't a safe space. She,  she didn't take things like that. Seriously. No, she wasn't safe. I'm not blaming her for anything necessarily. Right. I try not to go there unless you want to  listen. I'm down if you want to, but  I try to be mindful, you know, but at the same time, what I'm trying to get you to see here is  it's no wonder  You're having these big, massive feelings having to leave someone because you are not grown up Jissell right now. You're teeny tiny little one  who thinks that she has to save her daddy. 

**Jissell**:
 Right.  I, I know that's right. I, I've seen the parallels of that for a while. Um, and I don't know why it's come up with this person and not  other times in my life.  I don't know. 

**Jenn**:
You might have just been ready. You might have been pushing. Honestly, you've done a lot of healing work in your life, haven't you? 

**Jissell**:
Yes. 

**Jenn**:
Yeah. You've done a lot of work. And so probably in the beginning, like of other relationships, you weren't ready, but then you called in this man and he's helping you heal a lot of these parts of you. And it's hard work. Don't get me wrong. But sometimes that's what we do. We call in these people and we're like, why did we do that? But you know, we did. And that's, that's where it comes from. But I want you to sit with this in the future. One of the practical tools that you could take from this. First off, I would highly recommend you find someone to talk to maybe a little bit more regularly. You know, maybe it's a somatic coach. You know, maybe it's a therapist if, if you need to find that with your insurance, you know, you can always come talk to me, but at the same time, you know, me, I'm going to be mindful to find you someone that works for you, for, for your needs, for your finances, all that stuff. So we'll get you someone because what you're dealing with right now is heavy  and you can't hold this by yourself. 

You need to let someone else hold you for a little bit. Shift it with you. Someone to take care of you until you learn to take care of yourself. Because it's time for someone to take care of you. You've taken care of so many people for so long. And I want you to take care of yourself, but you're not there yet, and that's okay. We gotta honor where we are. We have to meet ourselves where we are.  

**Jissell**:
Right,  I'm not sure how to get to  where I can find any kind of strength,  um,  I  mean, I guess, I, I mean, I know I do need to  talk to somebody more regularly, and I, I do have a therapist that I see,  um,  

**Jenn**:
Is it helping some, sometimes they're hit or miss. I know. Do we, maybe I could help you find another one if you need to go like, cause I love doing that with people. Sometimes I love getting like, look through a bunch of people, like see who's good. Let's interview them because you know, therapists, they're just human. They're just like relationships. You're going to find ones that, that fit you and find ones that don't fit you. And if you've been with someone for a while and you're not seeing that growth or that healing that you want to be at, then it might be time for a change and that's okay.   But this big, big, massive feeling, these rubber bands that are going on in you right now. Right. Let's just honor them. It is just your little girl scared out of her mind.   That something bad is going to happen to this man that she loves.  But also grown up Jissell is over here also understanding and trying to tell the little girl, Yeah, but he can't give us what we need and it's not fair for us to do I mean, I can see the battle going on in you.

**Jissell**:
It feels real selfish of me to let him hurt.  And put myself first because I, and I know that that's really a ridiculous thing to say, but it feels really selfish. 

**Jenn**:
So  when those thoughts come up, that's okay. Perfectly normal, perfectly normal. When those thoughts come up, I want you to equilibrate them. That's all. They're going to, they're just a part of you that's trying to keep you safe. That's all it is. So let's talk to that part.  This part that says you're so selfish. How dare you do that?  What's it trying to protect you from if you asked it? 

**Jissell**:
 Oh,  goodness.  What's it trying to protect me from?  Um,  i,  I don't know. 

**Jenn**:
Okay.  Is it okay? Can I ask it a couple of questions? 

**Jissell**:
Sure. 

**Jenn**:
Okay. So we have this part of you that's saying you're selfish if you leave them alone.  And I just, and I want to ask it, what makes that selfish? 

**Jissell**:
I guess because  I know that  he's hurting,  and even saying that just, I know that that sounds crazy, but he's hurting, , and I don't, and I, I can't stand the thought of him hurting and me standing by and letting that happen and not  doing anything about that.

**Jenn**:
And what would happen if you did let him hurt? 

**Jissell**:
I mean, he, he would get, oh, he'd be okay.  

**Jenn**:
Okay. But this part of you, this part of you that doesn't want to hurt him, what does it think is going to happen? Does it think he's going to hurt himself like your dad did by any chance? 

**Jissell**:
I don't think so. I've looked at that a lot. I don't think so. I, I think that there's a big fear that he's gonna kind of look over things and think, Back and change history and make it where I didn't care, which I do so much 

**Jenn**:
Beautiful, so this part of you that doesn't want to hurt him is trying to protect your image, 

**Jissell**:
right, and I've looked at that a lot. Am I trying to , and what are my motives? Am I trying to save  my, right, my image.  

**Jenn**:
Yeah. But an image, not in a bad way, even like image, like, like the way other people, your people's perception of you. So, and it's important to you. And so this part of you is like, no, you must, you know, it's over here and it's saying like, no, you must protect everyone. You must save everyone because everyone has to think that you're caring. Now, I'd like to move on this part of you that thinks. That you need to be caring and people need to think of you as caring. Tell me more about that part.  

**Jissell**:
I think that that's just always how I've  seen my value. It's what I put  myself  into what I threw my whole life into was around taking care of other people. It's what's always filled me up. It's what's always, I've identified  myself that way from early on.

**Jenn**:
So this part of you over here is doing all of this work in order to earn your worth.  And so this part over here, that's telling you you're being selfish. It's just trying to help you to feel worthy, isn't it? That's very kind of it. When you look at it that way, it's just trying to help you. But, but we have new tools now, don't we? We don't need to  Do this, like, dance to get to your worth. 

**Jissell**:
It's hard to, to exist with the part that's trying to  do what's right for me,  because I doesn't feel, it doesn't feel like it's a part of myself. It doesn't feel,  it's just real foreign to me.  I don't feel comfortable with it.

**Jenn**:
It is foreign to you because you haven't been allowed to truly express your true authentic self.  But look at this. Look at your children. Look at all of these other kids in your life. Imagine they grow up and thinking that their worth is just making you happy. 

**Jissell**:
Oh. Yeah, I don't want that. Yeah.  Oh, yeah.

**Jenn**:
Isn't that so interesting how we, like, immediately think someone else, oh, no, not them, but me, sure, that's fine. Right. So the way this works, the practical, tangible side of this, the way this is going to work is we're going to slowly rewire your brain to teach you that you're not selfish, okay? They're going to teach you that it's okay to sometimes have to set boundaries.

I'm going to teach you you're safe to do that, that it's not your responsibility to protect and care for everyone around you.  And that each and every time you choose yourself, because you mentioned in the beginning, you are freaking out, you know, you're spiraling, you wanting to text him, these are the beautiful opportunities to sit with yourself, to meditate, or to journal, to put it, you can put a hand on your heart, if you want to, you can go out and get ice cream for you and your little girl, if you want to, whatever this looks like, take care of her. In these moments and reassure her, this selfish part of you that pops up and says, you have to reach out to him, you can just say to it now, Oh,  thank you so much for trying to protect me again. I appreciate you so much,  but we're going to try something new this time. Okay. And if, if it doesn't work out, we'll reach out to him later. Sometimes I just like to appease my parts. Honestly,  sometimes I'm like, just, you know, like when you have a toddler at home and they're like, mommy, mommy, I want this thing. You're like, okay, maybe later. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You know, sometimes it puts them off and you're like, okay. 

**Jissell**:
Yeah, I've, I've tried that route a lot. I've thought, well, if I can just make it through this week, if I can just, because  just do it in little chunks. Okay. Like bite sized pieces. 

**Jenn**:
We're only at a month. So I think you're doing Great.  It's gonna take your body about three months to get through this. Is that okay to hear that? So I want you to just hunker down,  you know, if you need to, whatever works for you. There's blocking sometimes. There is just changing his name. This is what I did with my ex for a long time. I changed his name and I just said something like, at first it was really rude. It said something like you deserve better, but then I changed that actually because I wanted to be more compassionate.

**Jissell**:
And I just said, this isn't serving you anymore or here's a really beautiful one for you. Maybe just put it and say like, you're safe now or you're not, it's not your responsibility or thank you for trying to keep me safe, but not right now.  Maybe later.  I, you know, I could see that later. You guys can probably have a friendship of some sort down, down the road. And I, and I say that because nothing is, is all or nothing. Nothing is that, that was a weird way to say that. 

**Jissell**:
It does a lot less. Final, and it's easier to digest it for now.  

**Jenn**:
If I tell you, no, you can't have a cupcake right now.  What are you going to want? Exactly. Exactly. If I say, no, you can't text. Of course you can. Just not right now. Okay. Cause what? Cause why, why, remind yourself, tell me why aren't you texting him right now?

**Jissell**:
Well,  uh, there are a couple of different layers to that. I'm not texting him right now because I, I know that it's not good for me.  Really, um,  the thing that's keeping me from texting him right now, if I'm honest with myself, is not to protect myself so much.  But it's more to protect him because I know that if I text him right now, it will start things back up and then I'll hurt him again. And I don't want to do that.  

**Jenn**:
Well, I actually love that.  I think it's a, no, I do. I think it's a beautiful way to use who you are, how you're already wired. To still get your ultimate need met, which is learning how to kind of self soothe  and learning how we need to let him go and learning how to start meeting your needs, you know, Oh, did that come up? Did hearing that concept of letting go bring up big emotions for you? How are you feeling right now? What's coming up? 

**Jissell**:
Uh,  just, um,  feel a lot of  fear.  I can't.  I can't imagine  that.   Letting go. 

**Jenn**:
Okay.  Letting go is one of the hardest things that sometimes we have to do. So the fact that you're even here and you're trying is you're like 70 percent of the way. 

**Jissell**:
I hope so. 

**Jenn**:
Because it's one of the hardest parts.  But right now you just kind of have this big pull towards him. And like you said, he's healing a lot of parts of yourself. So you get to heal your inner child through this.  And like I said, it's not a letting go forever. What this is, is a letting go of the attachment to him.  Because the more you let that go,  the better you can be for both of you. We don't, we don't have to let his soul go. We just have to let your attachment to him go.  We'll get you there.  

**Jissell**:
Yeah. Okay.  Yeah.  I want him to be okay. 

**Jenn**:
All right. So as we're wrapping up right now, what are some.  Tangible next steps that you want to take to help yourself right now. Are you feeling okay? Do you, do you want to regulate a little bit before we go there?

**Jissell**:
No, I think I'm okay.  Next steps. Um,  well,  I really don't know other than just get through minute by minute.  Not reach out.  I'm trying to eat and sleep, but I'm not. 

**Jenn**:
Well, how would you like to start, minute by minute, regulating your nervous system so you can be able to eat and sleep?  How would you like to do that?

**Jissell**:
That would be,  that'd be a good, that'd be good. 

**Jenn**:
Yeah, but how would you like to do that?  

**Jissell**:
I don't know.  I've tried a lot of, um, I've done a lot of self compassion work. I've done a lot of, I've done a lot of things. I just can't seem to, and usually I,  throughout my life, I mean, I've had  a lot of trauma,  but this is just something that, Is just out of control for me, and I don't know why I can't get a handle on it.

**Jenn**:
Well, let me remind you again, it's because it's not what's happening in the moment.  It's what happened to you in the past.  So now that we have that realization, let's try that. How about we try for the next 30 days.  It's November 12th, so let's go till mid December, and I want you to just try talking to your little girl.  Every single time you feel this feeling, I want you to reassure her. What did she need to hear as a child  when she was scared and lonely and feeling like it was her responsibility? 

**Jissell**:
 Other people's feelings aren't her job.  It's not her job to make other people feel good.  And feel  that she doesn't need to, um,  to  feel the weight of the world on her. It's not her responsibility. 

**Jenn**:
It's not hers.  And she's going to need to be reminded of that every day. Okay. Until she gets it. Cause it takes about 30 days for a part of our neurons to rewire. You know how our, our neurons are firing and wiring together. So what's happening is something is reminding you of the past and your body is having  this, the somatic response. And so I'm saying it's not, it's not what's going on today. It's what happened back then. 

**Jissell**:
Right.  I can see that. 

**Jenn**:
Yeah. It's all that stuff. So just remind that part of you to just be like, Oh, we're safe now. I got us, but I understand why you're sad.  This is not your responsibility. And also I understand  that this means a lot to you,  but we need to not text him right now.  Because it's, it's healthier and better for all of us right now. You're doing him a favor. Just keep reminding yourself that. Okay. 

**Jissell**:
 I can say it, but I don't believe it in a way. It feels so cruel. It feels so cruel.

**Jenn**:
That's where soon as it feels cruel,  that's the part of you. That's just trying to come in and keep you safe.  Right?  It's, it says you're so cruel and you say, I know, sweetheart,  I know you think that, but that's not true.  I know you're trying to keep me safe.   But it's, that's not helping right now. Remember what it was like when, like, if your kid would throw something or they would hit you or like, you know, they'd throw a temper tantrum or something or you'd be like, sweetheart?  Not right now, sweetheart.  Look, do you feel the weight that just happened differently in your body by thinking that?

**Jissell**:
Oh, yeah. 

**Jenn**:
That's where I want you to get to. 

**Jissell**:
Okay. 

**Jenn**:
Do you, did you feel the somatic difference in your body? 

**Jissell**:
Yeah. I need to think of it as being someone else and not myself. Yes. Yes. I think that's the ticket for me because if I think about it being my grandbaby or 

**Jenn**:
Yeah, it's not you at all. It's a, it's a part of you that comes up.  It's just like your, your children, just like your grandbaby. It's just like a little toddler in you that just wants and wants and wants and wants and wants. And over time, over time, this will get easier for you. I promise.  And we're going to get you some like more.  Consistent, deeper help  to work through this because what you're going through is a deep somatic response. It's unexplainable. Right. You know what I mean? And this is the stuff that we talk about, right? This is the CPTSD that gets talked about all the time, which is just the same thing as like if you had a war vet come home and a door slams,  Like, they've been known to attack their partners. And you would just look at that, like, we don't look at that, and we don't think he's over exaggerating.   We look at him like, oh my god, he's been through some shit.  Oh my god, look where he is. Look where he's at. And also, we can't let him keep going there.  We can't say, of course, honey, you can go attack your wife that's no problem.  You've got trauma.  We get him help.  We teach him, like, new tools.  And we work him through that the next time a door slams and his entire body shuts down.  If his one tiny step is instead of attacking,  he can sit on his hands, then he's made a step forward. Do you see how this works? So the fact that you're not reaching out to him is a step forward every time. Let me just tell you, you are teaching your body each and every time that you're safe. Okay. Is this a good place for us to wrap up for today? 

**Jissell**:
Yeah. Okay.  

**Jenn**:
Thank you so much, so much for coming on again and being vulnerable and everything it is that you're going through. I will keep you in my heart. Okay. 

**Jissell**:
Okay. Thank you so much. 

**Jenn**:
All right. I'll speak to you later. 

**Jissell**:
Okay. Thanks. 

**Jenn**:
Wow. Right. I just, I still, I'm still a little bit shook from, from the coaching call with her. I, I, I, it's so honoring to me as you could tell I'm a loss for words and it's just, it's so honoring to me that somebody would allow me to be a part of this. Deep journey in their lives. I hold that with immense honor to be able to help her through this.

And I also see that we need to spend more time on getting her a little bit more help that she needs. And so I'm going to work with her. We're going to help find her a better therapist. We're going to do all of these things to get Jissell the help that she needs because she absolutely deserves it. You could hear the pain in her voice.

If this sounds like you. If you heard a part of yourself in Jissell, I just want you to know that you're not alone. And if you would like to be a part of like minded women that are all working together to lift each other up and to hold each other's pain, and to be a part of this just whack a doodle world and life that we're in right now, you can come and join our free Facebook  community. You can find the link in the show notes. It's pretty simple. You just scroll on down, especially if you're on Apple. It might be in Spotify as well. Honestly, I just don't use it as much, but scroll down on down to, to Apple, find the show notes, click on the Facebook link, you're going to answer a couple of questions and I'm going to let you in and it's just so I get to know what you're looking for, what you need, all of that stuff.

You can give me your email address. If you want to get some freebies and some resources, if you don't want me to even remotely contact you, that's fine. Let me know if you just want to come in and lurk. Beautiful. We've got a ton of resources in there. We've got a ton of women that are all looking to help and to heal each other.

Every Wednesday, we do a weekly support session, and those are for you to just come in, be yourself, get your questions answered, and be a part of a community where we all are just,  Working together to heal these deep seated wounds inside of ourselves. Cause it is hard work out there right now, ladies.

It is a lot, a lot for a lot of us. And I just want you to know that we're here for you. And so if you want to come and join our free Facebook community, we would absolutely love to have you. Just let me know you came from the podcast and I'll see if I can toss you some more freebies your way, because I love having all of my listeners over there.

So with all of that said, I want you all to have a beautiful week and I will speak to you later. Take care. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we cover today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there, and please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.