44. Dance of Attachment Part 4: Secure Attachment (The Secure Waltz)

How can you create a relationship that feels balanced, safe, and deeply fulfilling? In this episode, we wrap up the Dance of Attachment series by focusing on the ultimate goal: secure attachment. I’ll walk you through the five steps to cultivating a secure relationship rhythm (aka the Secure Waltz) and share practical ways to apply them to your life. Whether you’re navigating past attachment wounds, setting intentions for healthier connections, or learning to honor your needs, this episode is packed with insights to help you embrace security in your relationships.

You might want to listen if:

• You’ve ever felt stuck in cycles of miscommunication or unmet needs.
• You’re unsure how to heal past wounds that impact your current relationships.
• You struggle with identifying and expressing your attachment needs.
• You want practical, actionable tips to improve your communication skills.
• You’re ready to learn how to create the balanced connection you deserve.

FIND OUT MORE!

• Join our Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
• Schedule your Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
• Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
• Interested in being coached on our show? Schedule with Jenn today!
• Discover the Attachment Dance Style of your Relationship: Download Your Free Workbook!
• Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
• Follow Jenn on Instagram: @speak_honest
• Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!

DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Transcript

 Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in. 

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I’m Jenn Noble, your go to relationship coach, and today we are wrapping up our four part series of the Dance of Attachment. Over the past few episodes we've explored the unique rhythms of anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment each with its own set of challenges and strengths and how they shape our connections. But today we're going to be focusing on secure attachment or as I love to call it, the Secure Waltz.

This dance is smooth and steady and filled with a sense of ease. A relationship rhythm where both partners feel safe, valued, and emotionally balanced. Secure attachment brings a feeling of calm, a foundation of trust and comfort with both closeness and independence. And for those who have experienced the push and pull of all the other attachment styles, the Secure Waltz shows us what's possible with growth and understanding. 

In today's episode, we'll look at what secure attachment truly means, how it impacts our relationships and practical steps to cultivate security within ourselves and in our connections with others. 

But first, if you're ready to dive deeper into your own attachment journey, I invite you to schedule a free attachment assessment with me. This 30 minute session is an opportunity to discover your attachment style and start learning the steps to dance the secure waltz, a rhythm of balance, trust, and connection. And together we'll map out the moves that can lead you towards a secure and fulfilling relationship. You can find the link in the show notes or visit www.speak-honest.com/assessment to take that first step onto the dance floor of secure attachment.  Now let's dive into the secure waltz and see what this dance can teach us about creating healthy and stable connections. 

Secure attachment is often formed in early relationships where there was a stable sense of safety, trust, and unconditional support. In these relationships, children learned that their needs will be met, and that they develop a belief in their own worthiness of love and care. This stability allows them to grow up feeling comfortable with intimacy, confident in their ability to be independent, and resilient when navigating life's ups and downs.

In adulthood, secure attachment looks like a dance that flows with ease and balance, and partners feel safe sharing their feelings and needs openly, and they trust that their connection won't be shaken by challenges. There's just a natural rhythm of give and take that happens, with both people feeling comfortable whether they're together or spending time apart. 

It's a partnership rooted in trust, respect, and a shared understanding of each other's needs and boundaries.  And if secure attachment doesn't come naturally to you, don't worry. It's absolutely something you can build and work on. I did. I had a disorganized attachment for many, many years. But through the five steps that I'm about to share with you, I was able to transform that. I like to think of this process as the five steps to a secure dance, because these steps form a foundation that allows you to cultivate security in yourself and in your relationships. 

So let's break down each of these steps. Okay, so first I want you to identify your attachment style and hey, if you're here, you're probably doing that, but knowing your attachment style is like understanding your starting place on the dance floor. This self awareness helps you recognize where you might need to make adjustments to find a more secure relationship rhythm.

Two, I want you to set your relationship intentions. When you know what you want out of a relationship, you're better able to move in sync with your partner. Setting a clear relationship intention allows you to focus on building connections that align with your values and needs. 

Three, I want you to heal your attachment wounds. This step is about tending to the old beliefs and experiences that hold you back. Like I'm unlovable or I'm a burden. Healing these wounds creates space for new empowering beliefs to take root, allowing you to dance more freely.  

And the fourth step is I want you to embrace your attachment needs. Secure attachment isn't about ignoring your needs, it's about honoring them. So by embracing your needs, whether it's for closeness, independence, or reassurance, you're able to communicate them with confidence and move through relationships with a sense of balance.  

And finally, the fifth step, learn healthy communication. Finally, secure attachment requires open and honest communication and learning to express yourself clearly and listen actively allows you to stay connected, building trust and understanding with each step you take together. 

Now, as you practice these five steps to a secure dance, you're building the foundation for a relationship that flows with ease, connection and stability. It takes time and patience, of course, but with each small step, you'll find yourself moving closer to the secure attachment you deserve.  

So now that we know what the five steps to a secure dance are, I want to break them down a little bit more into practical ways to embody each of the five steps. These aren't just abstract ideas, because I'm very practical and tangible if you get to know me, and these are actions that you can start using today to create more balance and security in your relationship. So let's look at step number one. What was it again? If you're playing along at home, identify your attachment style, right? So the first step is self awareness. 

Take a moment and reflect on the patterns in your past relationships. How do you usually respond to closeness? How do you usually handle distance or conflict? I want you to journal about these experiences, noticing any recurring themes. This reflection will help you identify your attachment style and show you where adjustments might be needed to find a more secure rhythm. 

Now number two, set your relationship intention. So once you know your attachment style, whether it's journaling or taking the attachment quiz, or maybe you've worked with another coach or a therapist in the past, so you already know what this is, that's great. Now it's time to set your intention.  What kind of a relationship are you truly looking for? So many of my clients come in talking to me wanting a better relationship, but they don't know what they want. They don't know what their values are. How are we going to know what we want, how are we going to know what relationship to go to, if we don't have a path forward? Right? So I want you to write down your top values and needs in a relationship. Are you seeking qualities like trust, honesty, and support?  I want you to define your intention clearly. This will help you connect with others who align with your vision. And remember having a clear intention is not about perfection. It is about creating direction and purpose. 

Now, step number three. Do you remember what it is? Heal your attachment wounds. Let's address the deep seated beliefs that might be holding you back. Like, I'm not enough. Or, I am unlovable or I'm too much or I'm not pretty. All of these things. We start identifying these beliefs, and then we practice reframing them with positive, empowering affirmations. So for example, if you believe you're not enough, then I want you to replace it with, I am enough. If you believe that you're not worthy of love, I want you to replace that with, I am worthy of love, I am valued, I am cherished, I am wanted. And repeat these and use them in your body. So that way, over time, they help to reshape your inner narrative. Now, you can heal these wounds in many different ways. I just personally use a somatic repetition process that I love, and this is where we use autosuggestion, somatic experience, and alpha theta brainwaves in order to get this really deeply rooted.  But I want you to be patient with yourself, these wounds are deep, and this is a gradual process, so take your time and get help with this.  

Step number four is to embrace your attachment needs. Embracing your needs is a core part of secure attachment. Oftentimes I have clients coming in saying, I want to figure out how to not feel this anymore. I want to figure out how to just be okay with whatever it is that he wants to do. But that's when you're not truly embracing your needs in a relationship. So I want you to make a list of what you need to feel balanced, whether it's quality time, words of affirmation, emotional connection, playfulness. Maybe you love adventure and novelty. Maybe you love autonomy and personal space, validation, beauty, creativity, there's so much there. And once you know your needs, practice sharing them with someone you trust. This isn't about making demands. It's about allowing yourself to express what helps you feel safe and supported. Remember, having needs doesn't make you needy. It makes you human. 

Lastly, and our final dance step here, learn healthy communication.  So I want to talk about practicing using I statements, especially when discussing sensitive topics. So for example, instead of saying, “you never listened to me!” Right? I want you to try saying instead, I feel sad when I don't get a chance to share my perspective.  Do you see how we're using an I statement and we're figuring out what our feelings are? I feel sad.  That's an I statement. This type of language allows you to share your experience without sounding accusatory or without blaming your partner, making it easier for both of you to feel understood and heard.

Healthy communication is literally the foundation for a secure and lasting connection. It's why I teach it so much.  But each of these steps is a way to bring the Secure Waltz into your life, helping you cultivate a relationship that flows with ease, connection, and respect.  As you put these actions into practice, remember that security is built step by step. And every effort you make is a step towards the balanced relationship you deserve.  

And now as we close out on our series of the Dance of Attachment, let's take a moment to reflect on each attachment style we've explored. We started with anxious attachment, or as I call it, the Salsa of Uncertainty, where the need for closeness and reassurance often creates an intense, passionate rhythm. And then we moved on to avoidant attachment or the Solo Tango. This is often characterized by a strong desire for independence and a tendency to keep distance in relationships.  And after that we explored disorganized attachment or the Pendulum Swing Dance, a push pull dynamic where individuals feel caught between wanting connection and needing to protect themselves. And finally, today we focused on secure attachment, or the Secure Waltz, a steady, balanced rhythm where closeness and independence flow naturally. And each and every one of these styles has its own unique rhythm and challenges, but what they all share is the potential for growth. 

 Secure attachment isn't something we're either born with or without. It is a quality we can develop with practice and intention. So whether you're just starting to understand your attachment style, or you have been actively working towards a more secure connection for a while now, remember, that this is a journey, not a destination. And each small step, whether it's recognizing your attachment patterns, setting relationship intentions, or practicing healthy communication, all of this contributes to a more secure and fulfilling relationship. 

Now, if any of this resonates with you throughout this whole series, if you've been listening to all of this and you just feel that pull in the back of your gut saying, Jenn, I need help, then I would love to help you please schedule a free attachment assessment with me. This is a free 30 minute session where it gives you a chance to explore your attachment style and create a roadmap for building the secure and balanced connection you deserve.

You can find the link in the show notes or head over to www.speak-honest.com/assessment to take that first step. Thank you all so much for joining me on the series. I loved doing this and I hope these episodes have given you insight, clarity, and encouragement to embrace your attachment journey with compassion.

We'll be exploring new topics and sharing more tools for growth in the next coming episodes, as well as having more coaching calls. So stay tuned and until next time. Remember each step you take, no matter how small, brings you closer to the secure and loving connection you are capable of creating. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest.