43. Dance of Attachment Part 3: Disorganized Attachment (The Pendulum Swing Dance)

Ever feel torn between wanting closeness and needing space? In this episode of Speak Honest, We dive into the complexities of disorganized attachment, or what I call “The Pendulum Swing Dance.” Through real-life examples and compassionate insights, we will unpack why disorganized attachment leads to a push-pull dynamic in relationships, where closeness feels both desirable and frightening. Discover how this attachment style develops, how it impacts adult relationships, and practical steps for creating stability in your connections.

You might want to listen if:

• You struggle with a constant back-and-forth between craving intimacy and needing distance
• You feel stuck in a cycle of reaching out for connection, only to withdraw again out of fear
• You want to understand how disorganized attachment might be impacting your relationships
• You find emotional intensity and dysregulation a challenge in your romantic connections
• You’re ready to explore ways to heal attachment wounds and create a secure, fulfilling bond

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Transcript

 Hello! and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.  

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jenn Noble, your go to relationship coach, and on today's episode, I'll be continuing our four part series all about the Dance of Attachment. This series is designed to help you understand the unique rhythms of attachment. Each attachment style and how they play out in our relationships. Think of each attachment style as a dance with its own steps, energy, and flow. And today we're exploring disorganized attachment or what I like to call the pendulum swing dance.

If you've ever felt yourself moving between wanting closeness and then needing to pull away, you might recognize this style. The pendulum swing dance is marked by a push-pull dynamic, a constant swing between seeking connection and seeking self protection. It's a rhythm that can feel intense and unpredictable, like being caught between wanting intimacy and needing distance. In this episode, I'll be breaking down what disorganized attachment really means, how it might be showing up in your relationships, and some steps to help you find more stability on the dance floor of connection. 

But first, if you're ready to dive deeper into understanding your own attachment style, I am offering a free attachment assessment with me, a certified attachment and relationship coach. This 30 minute 1:1 session helps us pinpoint how your attachment style influences your relationships, and explore strategies to create more security and connection. You can find the link in the show notes or head over to speak-honest.com/assessment to schedule and start your journey towards a stronger and secure dance.

Now let's dive into the pendulum swing dance and see what this attachment style can teach us. 

Let's start by exploring where disorganized attachment comes from and why it feels so deeply instinctual. Disorganized attachment often forms in environments marked by trauma or volatility. Imagine a child reaching out for comfort just as all children do, only to find that the very source of safety, which is usually our primary caregivers, is an unpredictable or even a frightening source.

This creates a powerful internal conflict where they're drawn to connection. But connection itself feels risky. So as a result, disorganized attachment often combines the need for closeness, typical of anxious attachment, with the instinct to pull back, similar to avoidant attachment.  This mix of anxious and avoidant tendency is what creates the push pull dynamic in disorganized attachment.

One moment, the person may feel an intense need for reassurance and connection, and the next, they might instinctively withdraw, feeling overwhelmed by the vulnerability closeness requires. One of my clients shared that she often felt like she was swinging between two extremes in her relationships. Sometimes she found herself anxiously seeking closeness, and then at other times she felt the need to shut down and keep her distance. It was exhausting and unpredictable, even for her. And this is why I started calling it the Pendulum Swing Dance. It's a dance marked by a constant back and forth driven by the instinct to protect oneself from emotional pain. 

Now, disorganized attachment in adulthood often creates this push-pull dynamic that can feel intense and chaotic, both for the person experiencing it and for their partner. It's a cycle of wanting closeness but feeling just as compelled to pull away, a pattern that can leave relationships feeling unstable and unpredictable. I had a client and we'll just call her Kate, who described this dynamic vividly. She would feel an intense need for connection with her partner, especially when they were apart. But as soon as they spent some time together, she all of a sudden felt this need to just back off. It was incredibly instinctual.

She would start creating emotional distance, often by focusing on her partner's flaws or reasons why the relationship would never work. This back and forth left her feeling torn. Like she was constantly swinging between feeling overly dependent on him and then fiercely protective of her independence like he was going to take it away.

Kate's experience highlights how disorganized attachment can look like a blend of anxious and avoidant behaviors at the exact same time. One moment, there's an intense longing for closeness, like someone with that anxious attachment style and the next, a sudden retreat mirroring the avoidant tendencies.

So for someone with a disorganized attachment, this internal conflict can be exhausting and confusing. They want closeness, but they have learned to associate it with pain. So as soon as they get it they pull away.  And this push-pull pattern not only strains the person with disorganized attachment, but can also create significant tension with their partner.

The unpredictability can leave their partner feeling off balance, unsure of where they stand. So for people like Kate, who genuinely want connection, understanding this pattern is the first step towards finding some stability.  For people with a disorganized attachment, emotional dysregulation is a common challenge.

The push-pull dynamic creates intense, often overwhelming emotions that can feel like a rollercoaster. This emotional intensity. Often stems from deep seated attachment wounds, which are just core beliefs formed in early relationships. Like I'm too much or I'm a burden or I'm unlovable. These beliefs shape how we view ourselves and our worthiness for connection, creating a cycle of reaching out for closeness and then retreating out of fear. 

The first step towards finding stability is learning how to identify and transform these attachment wounds.  Typical regulation techniques I find don't always work out for most disorganized individuals because these wounds keep the nervous system on high alert. So constantly scanning for signs of rejection or judgment stops us from being able to just ground ourselves or do meditation.

Instead, healing begins by recognizing these limited beliefs and then gradually replacing them with empowering opposites.  I'm a burden, can be reframed to I am valued. I am unlovable, can become I am loved.  Thanks to neuroplasticity, which is the brain's ability to form new neural pathways, these new beliefs can slowly replace old wounds.

One method that I use to help solidify this change is somatic repetition, a technique that blends auto suggestion, somatic experiencing, and alpha theta brainwaves. With somatic repetition, these positive beliefs are introduced while the person is at a calm, receptive state, helping them become more deeply embedded.

Rather than simply repeating words and having useless affirmations, they experience the beliefs physically and emotionally, which allows them to take root more effectively.  And over time, this practice helps rewire the brain's response to connection. So by addressing and reshaping their core attachment wounds, people with disorganized attachment can reduce the intensity of the push pull dynamic, creating a steadier, more secure foundation for connection. 

The result is a more balanced internal state where closeness feels less threatening and more attainable.  And as we can see, the disorganized dance is exhausting. I should know, I danced it for a long time. It is a constant, emotionally draining rhythm of reaching out for connection only to freak out and pull back in fear.

This attachment style is rooted in early experiences where connection was mixed with unpredictability and volatility. And this combines the longing for closeness with a powerful instinct for self protection. It's as if every step forward is met. With a reflexive step back, keeping genuine intimacy just out of reach. 

If any of this resonates with you, if you see yourself in this disorganized dance, or feel caught up in the push pull dynamic, remember, There is hope for change and understanding these patterns is the first step towards finding balance and stability. I'd love to help you dive deeper into this journey with a free attachment assessment.

This 30 minute session with me is a chance to explore your attachment style, understand what's really driving your relationships, and create a roadmap towards more secure and fulfilling connections.  You can find the link in the show notes or head over to speak-honest.com/assessment to start breaking free from these exhausting patterns and begin building the security and connection you desire.

And thank you so much for joining me today. Next time we'll be wrapping up the series with secure attachment, or as I call it, the Smooth Waltz. This is a dance of balance and connection. And until then, remember that each step, no matter how small, brings you closer to the connection you not only desire but that you truly deserve. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, you Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there. And please remember to rate, review and subscribe. If you enjoyed today's podcast, your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest.