42. Dance of Attachment Part 2: Avoidant Attachment (The Solo Tango)

 Ever felt like your partner just needs too much space, or maybe you're the one pulling away when things get too close? In today’s episode of Speak Honest, we’re diving into the fascinating rhythm of avoidant attachment—what I like to call “The Solo Tango.” Avoidant attachment is all about independence, self-reliance, and finding comfort in a little distance. If you're wondering why intimacy might feel overwhelming or how to bring closeness into a relationship without pushing someone too far, this episode is for you! I’ll share insights on the roots of avoidant attachment, what it looks like in real-life relationships, and my favorite scripts for building connection with an avoidant partner without pressure. Let’s explore how to bring a balanced rhythm into your dance of connection.

You might want to listen if:

• You feel distant or disconnected in relationships and want to understand why.
• You’re trying to connect with a partner who seems to avoid emotional depth.
• You want to learn gentle communication strategies for avoidant partners.
• You’re curious about how avoidant attachment develops and affects relationships.
• You’re seeking a compassionate approach to bring closeness without feeling overbearing.

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Transcript

 Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs  without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.  

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jenn Noble, your go to relationship coach, and on today's episode, I'll be continuing our four part series all about the dance of attachment. This series is designed to help you understand the unique rhythms of each attachment style and how they play out in your relationships. Think of it like a dance where each style has its own moves, energy, and flow. And today we're focusing on avoidant attachment or what I like to call the Solo Tango. If you've ever found yourself pulling away when things get too close or if you're in a relationship where one person seems to keep a comfortable distance, you might recognize this dance style.

See, the Solo Tango is characterized by independence, self reliance, and the need for personal space. It is a dance where intimacy can feel just a bit overwhelming, and sometimes it is just easier to keep a step away rather than risk getting too close.  And in this episode, I'll be breaking down what avoidant attachment really means, how it might be showing up in your relationships and some practical scripts to help create more connection with avoidant partners without pushing them too hard.

But first I want to invite you to take this exploration a step further with a free attachment assessment. This is a free 30 minute 1:1 session with me, where we'll look at your attachment style and how it might be impacting your relationships. And then we'll explore strategies to bring more balance and connection. If you've ever felt uncertain about how to navigate these attachment rhythms, this session can be a powerful way to find clarity and confidence. You can find the link in the show notes or head over to speak-honest.com/assessment to take the first step towards a more fulfilling relationship. Now let's dive into the solo tango and see what this dance can teach us. 

Let's dive right into avoidant attachment or as I like to call it the Solo Tango, this attachment style is marked by independence, a preference for distance, and a strong sense of self reliance in relationships. If you or someone close to you has an avoidant attachment style, you may recognize the pattern of pulling away when things get too close.

This dance is all about finding security within oneself, sometimes to the point where closeness can feel like a threat. Avoidant attachment forms in early childhood. I want you to picture a child reaching out for connection, but instead of the warm response they should be getting, they receive an emotionally distant reaction.  Or maybe even the message that they should be able to handle things on their own and they shouldn't even have feelings and see over time that child, he learns that connection might not always be safe or reliable. And they start depending on themselves to feel secure. This early experience shapes our adult relationships, where intimacy can feel uncomfortable and even overwhelming. 

In adulthood, avoidant attachment can show up as a tendency to avoid emotional conversations or to keep people at a distance. Someone with an avoidant attachment style may prefer to focus on personal goals or solo activities rather than diving into emotional depth with a partner.  They often seem cool and calm and collected and in control, but that independence is usually a learned response to protect themselves from vulnerability. 

For an avoidantly attached person, sharing feelings or relying on someone else can feel like literally giving up a piece of themselves, like they're risking too much.  So why does avoidant attachment feel so safe, even if it creates distance? Well, the science of attachment gives us some clues. So for people with avoidant attachment, the brain often learns early on that self reliance is the safest option.

This can mean that over time, certain brain pathways become more developed for independence rather than for connection. Think of it like a well worn path. The more someone avoids closeness, the easier it becomes to do so.  And then, there's also the dopamine effect. The brain's “feel good chemical.” And this might be playing a role here, because avoidantly attached people may find solo activities or personal accomplishments more rewarding than shared moments or deep connection. 

So when independence feels more comfortable and rewarding, it's natural that the pull towards intimacy would feel weaker.  But here's the good news because of neuroplasticity, which is just the brain's ability to change and adapt, we can form new neural pathways and form new habits.

With intentional practice, like safe, low pressure experiences of connection, avoidant individuals can actually start to feel more comfortable with closeness. They can balance their need for independence with the ability to connect more deeply.  Now, let's get into something practical. What you can actually say to help create more avoidant partners. So when communicating with someone who has an avoidant tendency, it is important to offer connection without  pressure. They're often more comfortable with conversations that feel open ended, where they aren't being pushed for immediate emotional depths.  

So for example, instead of saying something like, “Hey, can we talk right now? I need to know what's going on”. You know, we could try saying something more like, “that's okay, no rush, I'd love to hear how you feel when you're ready”.  This keeps things relaxed and gives them more control over the timing. Avoidant partners often appreciate the chance to open up on their own terms. So giving them the space to do so without a deadline can go a long way. 

Now another common one I see is instead of saying, “You never share your feelings, why don't you talk to me?”  I've said that before.  You could say instead, “Hey, I know it's hard to open up. I'm here to listen, whenever.”  See, when you acknowledge that sharing might feel difficult, you're showing empathy and you're validating them rather than questioning them or criticizing them.

This simple shift can help them feel seen and understood without the pressure.  

Now here's a big one.  Instead of saying, “Why do you always need so much space? Do you even care about me?” Maybe we could try instead saying, “Hey, I get that alone time is important for you. I'm here if you need me.”  This lets them know you're okay with their need for space, which can make them more willing to engage when they're ready. It's about validating their independence rather than interpreting it as a rejection.  

And finally, instead of saying, “Ugh, you're so distant lately. Is there something wrong with you?”  Instead, try this.  “I just want you to know I'm here. No pressure. But I'm here to talk whenever you're ready.”  See, letting them know you're available without demanding closeness gives them reassurance without pushing. It's a gentle reminder that they don't have to choose between independence And connection, because when they're with you, they can have both. And that's incredibly important.  

Now, each of these adjustments might seem like a small step, but together they can transform the rhythm of your relationship. Remember, avoidant partners aren't intentionally trying to distance themselves. They're simply used to moving to their own rhythm, relying on their own steps to feel secure. When they feel pressured to open up, it can feel like they're losing control of their own dance, making them pull away even further.

These simple, respectful phrases act like a steady beat, creating a low pressure environment where your partner can gradually find their own pace in the dance of connection. And if you're looking to find balance with an avoidant partner, the key is to invite connection without forcing it.  Showing that you're there, a steady presence that they can rely on without expecting them to change their rhythm. This way they can feel safe to step closer without losing the individuality that makes their dance their own.  

So to wrap up, let's look at Avoidant Attachment through the lens of the Solo Tango. This attachment style is like a dance that emphasizes independence, with each step designed to keep a comfortable dance. It often stems from an early need to rely on one's self, leading to a preference for space, personal freedom, and self sufficiency in relationships. We explored how avoidant attachment can feel safe and familiar, almost like muscle memory, thanks to the practiced behaviors and brain chemistry that reinforces this self reliance. 

For those with avoidant attachment, this dance of independence can feel as natural as breathing. But here's the part I hope you'll take away with you. Avoidant attachment is not a life sentence. Just as dancers can learn new moves, people with avoidant attachment can adapt their patterns. And thanks to neuroplasticity, which is the brain's ability to rewire itself, these pathways, they can and will shift.

With consistent, safe experiences of connection, an avoidant person can start to feel more at ease with closeness. When it comes to communication, a gentle approach works best. By using low pressure language, you can help your avoidant partner feel seen, understood and respected without making them feel like they're being pulled into a fast paced waltz. Instead, you are matching their pace, creating a rhythm of connection that feels safe and natural. 

Now, if any of this resonated with you, whether you see yourself dancing the solo tango, or you recognize these steps in your partner, Remember, understanding avoidant attachment is the first step towards a more balanced, fulfilling connection. Just like in any dance, growth comes from learning new rhythms, taking steady steps, and knowing that change is possible.

Now, if you'd like to explore your own dance more deeply, I'd love to help you with a free attachment assessment. This is my free 30 minute session where you and I are going to look at your attachment style and see how it shapes your relationships. We're going to map out ways to bring you more security and connection into your life.

And you can find the link in the show notes or you can visit speak-honest.com/assessment to schedule with me today.  And thank you all so much for joining me. Next time, we're going to be diving into disorganized attachment, or as I like to call it, the Pendulum Swing Dance. And until then, remember that every step, no matter how small, is a step towards a secure relationship you deserve. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. If you enjoyed today's podcast, your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest. 

42. Dance of Attachment Part 2: Avoidant Attachment (The Solo Tango)