41. Dance of Attachment Part 1: Find Out If You’re Dancing the Salsa of Uncertainty (Anxious Attachment)

Do you ever feel like you’re walking a tightrope in your relationships, always seeking reassurance but never quite feeling secure? In this episode of Speak Honest, we’re diving into Anxious Attachment—what I like to call the Salsa of Uncertainty. We’ll explore why it’s so hard to find stability and what steps you can take to bring more calm and balance into your relationships. I’ll share insights, real-life stories, and practical tips to help you move confidently through the rhythm of connection.

You might want to listen if:

• You feel anxious when you don’t get immediate responses from your partner.
• You constantly need reassurance to feel secure in your relationship.
• You find yourself overthinking small interactions and fearing disconnection.
• You crave closeness but worry that the connection could disappear at any moment.
• You want practical strategies to soothe anxiety and build a more secure connection.

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Speak Honest. I’m your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.  

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I’m Jenn Noble, your go to relationship coach, and on today's episode, I'll be kicking off a four part series all about the Dance of Attachment. This series is designed to help you understand the unique rhythms of each attachment style and how they play out in our relationships. Think of it like a dance, where each style has its own moves, energy, and flow. And today, we're starting off with Anxious Attachment, or, as I like to call it, the Salsa of Uncertainty.

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you're always checking in on your partner, looking for reassurance, or feeling just a little bit off balance, you might recognize this style. The Salsa of Uncertainty is filled with intensity, passion, and the need to stay close, but it also is marked by a sense of unease. Always wondering if you're truly in sync.  

In this episode I'll be breaking down what anxious attachment really means How it might be showing up in your relationships and some key steps to help you find more stability on the dance floor Of connection, but first I want to invite you to explore this dance more deeply with a free attachment assessment. This is a 30 minute one on one session with me where we pinpoint how your attachment style might be influencing your relationships.

If you've ever felt stuck in these relationship rhythms, or you're unsure of how to change the steps, this session is a great way to start finding clarity and confidence. You can find the link in the show notes, or you can go to speak-honest.com/assessment to finally get unstuck and find the first steps towards a more secure connection.

Now, let's dive into the Salsa of Uncertainty and see what this dance can teach us. 

Anxious Attachment, or what I like to call the Salsa of Uncertainty, is an attachment style that drives us towards connection, but often with a sense of urgency and worry. It's like a dance where you're constantly moving, constantly checking in with your partner to make sure they're still there and still in sync with you.

And now this style is all about needing closeness, but it is marked by an underlying fear of disconnection, a feeling that at any moment things could fall out of rhythm. Let's explore what anxious attachment really looks like, why it feels so intense, and what you can do to bring a sense of calm and stability to this dance.

My goal is to give you a clear picture of this attachment style grounded in science and real life stories, and then offer practical steps to help you move through it with more confidence and clarity. So what does anxious attachment actually look like in relationships? Well, it can often show up as a need for reassurance and a desire for closeness, but with a twist. There's almost always an underlying worry that the connection might disappear at any moment. 

Imagine you're dancing and you keep glancing at your partner, hoping they don't pull away or miss a step. You're constantly seeking that affirmation and that confirmation that they're still with you. And doing all of this means that if at any point you mess up, the entire dance is ruined and you're afraid that it's all your fault.  I had a client, and she described her relationships like walking on a tightrope. She needed to feel close and connected. But if her partner didn't respond to a text within a certain timeframe, she'd start spiraling.

Her thoughts would go from, I wonder if he's busy, is, is he upset with me? What if he's lost interest? What if I upset him? What if I'm sending too many texts? All within seconds.  She knew logically that her partner wasn't pulling away, but the emotional need for immediate reassurance was overwhelming. This is what it is like to dance the Salsa of Uncertainty.

That constant craving for closeness mixed with a deep seated fear of disconnection. And in adult relationships, this attachment style can look like frequent check-ins, overthinking Every little interaction and sometimes feeling personally rejected over small unintentional breaks in contact.  This emotional rhythm can be exhausting, not only for the person with the anxious attachment, but also for their partner who might feel pressured or even overwhelmed by the constant need for connection. 

But now let's get into why anxious attachment feels so intense. There's a lot of science behind attachment and it's absolutely fascinating. Anxious attachment is deeply rooted in our biology. Our brains are literally wired to seek connection, especially during early development. When we're young, we look to our caregivers to meet our emotional needs. If those needs are met inconsistently,  sometimes they're available, sometimes they're not. It creates this sense of emotional uncertainty. We learn to crave connection, but we're also wired to expect that it might not be there when we need it.  

Now I had one client I worked with, and she grew up with parents who were sometimes incredibly loving and great and wonderful. And then other times completely distant and unavailable and neglectful. This back and forth created a need for reassurance that carried over into her adulthood. She was constantly on the lookout for signs of disconnection, feeling like any moment of emotional distance meant something was wrong. Now neuroscience caused this heightened response to the brain's attachment alarm.

It's like a smoke detector set to go off even at the smallest hint of disconnection. And here's where the good news comes in. Our brains also have something called neuroplasticity, which means they're capable of changing and forming new neural pathways. These attachment alarms aren't permanent. They're simply patterns that we've practiced over time.

With effort, we can retrain our brains to respond differently, to find calm even when we feel uncertain.  This is the science behind why consistent practice, small, steady steps toward self soothing can actually help reduce the anxiety that comes with the anxious attachment.  

So let's talk about some real world strategies to help bring more balance to this Salsa of Uncertainty. Now I'm all about practical steps that make a difference. And even if they're small at first, they could be huge later on because every step you take can reinforce a sense of security within yourself. 

Now, one of my clients who was struggling with anxious attachment started using a simple self soothing technique whenever she felt that kind of anxious pull come up. So instead of immediately reaching out when she felt uneasy and texting her partner a hundred times, we started working on a new way that she could self soothe and she started practicing pausing, taking a few deep breaths and reminding herself by putting a hand on her heart. And saying, my worth isn't defined by a text back, I am safe.  I am whole, and even if I don't have an immediate response, I am worthy.  

Wow. Right?  See, she repeated this enough that it became a affirmation of sorts for her, a way of reconnecting to herself rather than looking for immediate reassurance.  And now another strategy I recommend is focusing on self compassion, a way of building your own inner security.

Think of it as a practice of turning kindness inward. When that anxious feeling comes up and you start getting all those bubbly feelings in your gut, and you're getting all worried, I want you to ask yourself, how would I reassure a friend who came to me with the same problem?  So you might say something like, “Hey, You're safe.  This feeling is temporary.  It doesn't define you.” And I want you to turn that inward.  And I want you to say, “I'm safe. This feeling is temporary. And it doesn't define me.”  

Practicing self compassion is like giving yourself the reassurance you'd normally seek externally, which helps bring stability to the anxious rhythm. And over time, these small shifts build new neural pathways in the brain. It doesn't mean that anxious attachment disappears overnight, of course. But what it does mean is that the dance becomes a little bit more balanced, a little less dependent on someone else being there to lead the way.  Now, anxious attachment or the Salsa of Uncertainty is a dance driven by the need for closeness and connection, but often with a fear that the music might stop at any moment, that the partner might pull away or might mess up. 

We've looked at how this attachment style shows up in relationships. Why it feels so intense and how our brains are wired for connection, sometimes to the point of being on high alert. And finally, we explored strategies that bring calm to the rhythm,  the self soothing techniques and self compassion that help you find your own sense of security. 

If you're someone who resonates with anxious attachment, remember that you're not stuck in this dance forever. With patience and self awareness and a few practical steps thrown in, you can change. The rhythm and find a balance on the dance floor of fulfilling connection. 

If any of this resonated with you, if you find yourself caught in the Salsa of Uncertainty, or if anxious attachment feels like it describes your experience to a tee, I just want you to know you are not alone. Understanding this dance is just the beginning. And the more you learn about these patterns, the more you can start to shift the rhythm towards a secure and balanced connection.

I'd love to help you dive deeper into this journey, and that's why I'm offering the free attachment assessment, a free 30 minute one on one session with me, where we look at how your attachment style might be impacting your relationships and explore strategies that fit your unique experience. You can find the link in the show notes or visit speak-honest.com/assessment to schedule with me now. 

It's a simple step, but it could be the start of something transformative. And thank you so much for joining me today. Next time, we'll be moving on to avoidant attachment or as I like to call it, the Solo Tango. And until then, remember that every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards the connection you deserve. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there.

And please remember to rate, review and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps other people. Discover our podcast until next time. Remember to speak up and Speak Honest.