39. Why Do We Push Love Away? A Deep Dive into Healing Attachment Styles | Coaching Call with Carol

Have you ever found yourself pushing away the very love and support you've always wanted?

In this episode, I sit down with Carol, a member of the Relationship Reboot Program, as we explore her journey to discovering why she struggles to accept love and compliments from her husband. Together, we uncover the deep-rooted attachment wounds and limiting beliefs that often keep us from embracing the love we deserve. Through Carol’s powerful story, you'll gain valuable insights into your own relationships and learn actionable strategies to shift your mindset and start receiving love more fully.

You might want to listen if:

• You struggle to accept compliments or love from your partner.
• You feel unseen or unheard in your relationships, even when your partner is supportive.
• You tend to take things personally and internalize others' reactions.
• You want to understand how past wounds might be affecting your present relationship.
• You’re ready to do the deep work to heal attachment wounds and improve how you see yourself.

FIND OUT MORE!

• Join our Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
• Schedule your Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
• Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
• Interested in being coached on our show? Schedule with Jenn today!
• Discover the Attachment Dance Style of your Relationship: Download Your Free Workbook!
• Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
• Follow Jenn on Instagram: @speak_honest
• Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!

DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Transcript

Jenn Noble (00:03.704)

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I am Jenn Noble, your go-to relationship coach. And on today's podcast, I have another fantastic member of our relationship reboot program. So this is Carol. Carol joined the program and she was really interested in trying to figure out how to make things work, not so much with her husband because there was a lot going wrong between their relationship, but because she hasn't been able

to really feel as satisfied and as fulfilled in her relationship as she would like to be. And so as I started to get to know Carol, I would really tell right from the get go that the program would be an amazing opportunity for her. And this is one of those things that I do when I talk with folks.

about the program, right? When we come on and we have our attachment assessments, which you can go ahead and schedule in with me at any time you want to, even though the next program is not starting until January, feel free to start this process at any time. I had plenty of conversations with Carol before getting to that place where we both understood, okay, the program is the right place for her, because it's not always the right place for everyone. And that's really important to remember, but she wanted to really get clear on why does she push away?

the good things. Why does she take everything so personally? And you're going to hear more about this in my chat with her. But that's why I wanted to bring her on the podcast and really get a really fun before and after with her so we can see, hey, here's the start of the program. Here's where she is right now. Here's her sensitivities. Here's all the struggles that she's going through. And also, here's where she's going to be at the end of the 12 weeks. So.

The Relationship Reboot Program is my signature program that I have at Speak Honest. It is the 12-week super intensive program where we walk through the stages of becoming a better communicator in your relationships. It's called the Relationship Reboot Program because it's about rebooting your entire life. It's about being able to live in the relationships.

Jenn Noble (02:11.234)

that you have always desired. Now, whether you're in a relationship, a long-term relationship like Ashley is, or maybe you're just getting back out there and you're wanting to date again, this program is amazing for that because it's gonna walk you through. We're gonna go through week one, which we talk about our goals and intentions. Week two, we're gonna start talking about attachment styles. What's your attachment style? What does it mean? How is it holding you back? Where is it coming from? And then we move on into

learning about our attachment wounds and our limited beliefs and our attachment needs and our macro and our micro needs. And it just continues on and we get into boundaries and then reflection. But you can see how there's a lot of work to be done. But that's what we're talking about. And I talk about this again in the podcast with Carol when I talk about the corn that you need to push down to create new neural pathways. Now, if that doesn't make any sense to you right now, that makes total sense. It shouldn't make any sense to you. Keep listening to the podcast. It will make sense.

I wanted to have Carol on specifically because I wanted to be able to talk to her about what is it like to be in a relationship where one person is actually incredibly loving. A lot of times my clients will come in and they'll be like, hey, you know, I tried talking to my husband, but he blew up at me and he left or he's shutting down and he's stonewalling me. And this is common and I could still help you through that as well. But Carol's story is unique and that her husband is actually quite secure.

to some extent. Now again, I'm sure he has his issues and his own insecurities and his own attachment wounds and that's fine. But I can see the bones of their relationship is really strong. There's no contentment. There's no mean words being thrown at one another. Those four horsemen of the apocalypse, there's none of those. And that alone really showcased to me, we can do this. We can get Ashley to, sorry, cut that.

I have to call her Carol, not Ashley. We can get Carol to a place where she sees herself the way he sees her, where she sees herself as loving and that she matters. And so this is such a great conversation. So I hope you enjoy this conversation that I have with Carol.

—--

Jenn Noble (00:09.966)

Thank you so much, Carol, for coming on the podcast today. And for everyone that listened to the intro, Carol is a member of my Relationship Reboot Program. And I wanted to bring her on today to talk about where she is right now and where we want to go in 12 weeks' time. So say hi, Carol. Hello. And I'd love to get to know a little bit more about you and tell us what it is about the Relationship Reboot Program that you wanted

Carol (00:27.204)

everybody.

Jenn Noble (00:39.714)

to get out of it, in other words.

Carol (00:42.862)

Yes, I am a wife and a mom, it's a three. And I know that I have some, you know, limiting self beliefs. I don't always view myself in the best perception, the best views. I don't always have the best views of myself. And I think that it impacts the way that I communicate with other people, which can be literally

impacts the way they communicate with me. So the fact that this is an opportunity to improve me, improve how I see things, improve and learn maybe why I am the way that I am, to get to the bottom of it and make a difference to myself, which will make a difference to the people that I love in my life, to my relationships means a lot.

Jenn Noble (01:38.43)

I love that so much. remember when you and I first started talking, I thought it was a really cool situation that you were in. you know, a lot going on in your life, you know, big family, all this stuff. And I often will have clients come to me whose partners are just, they're rough, right? They're, it's a tough one. And it's kind of like having to hold their hand through the inevitable kind of breakup.

to an extent is like to say, is this really what you want, hon? Like, it's okay if you do. And then you and I met and you know, as anyone is human, you know, I'm like, okay, yeah, sure, fine. Okay, let's talk about him. And then we start talking and I realized, wow, he's a really great support system for you. Now he's not perfect, right? Of course not. But I love your story because it showcases that

Carol (02:25.345)

Perfect.

Jenn Noble (02:34.232)

There are so many people out there that have that supportive partner, that have that supportive husband that loves them so much. How long have you guys been married again?

Carol (02:43.425)

20 years.

Jenn Noble (02:46.03)

20 years, that's yeah, that's literally two of me, right? That's like, I'm 40. So that's that's like half of my life. That's how long you guys have been together. And that's beautiful. And that's amazing. And he wants to see you thrive, doesn't he?

Carol (02:52.213)

Yeah.

Carol (03:01.695)

Yes, he does. And that's why he was all about me joining this program and has encouraged me and has helped me with the kids. For the longest time, he has said that he wants me to see myself the way that he sees me. Because he's always encouraging, he's always caring, he's always loving. Very rarely has anything negative to say, definitely nothing negative to say about me.

Jenn Noble (03:04.15)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (03:18.619)

Mmm... aww.

Carol (03:30.273)

He's always lifted me up and no matter how down I have been on myself because of my history and different things that have happened in my life, he's always there to be like, no, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are worth it and I just wish you could see yourself the way I see.

Jenn Noble (03:50.608)

I just, I love that so much, but I want to ask you and I want to ask you kind of a hard question. When he says that sometimes, do you ever find yourself like pushing it away?

Carol (04:00.458)

Yes, I'm a lot better since it's been 20 years as far as when I first started out. I actually remember when he proposed to me and while we were talking about getting married and I said, why? Why do you want to marry me? Like, I just didn't understand. And I tried to talk him out of it.

I knew I was completely, yeah, like I was completely in love with him, but I'm like, wow, are you sure? I mean, don't you know how I am or you know what I've been through and are you sure you really wanna marry me? And he was from day one, well, yes, I wanna marry you and I love you because you're this and you're that and you're this. And so yeah, I've always pushed it away to an extent.

Jenn Noble (04:26.69)

Did you?

Jenn Noble (04:52.834)

Yeah.

Carol (04:53.502)

And he was very open with me to share how much it hurts him when I dismiss his compliments. Because he's always been very supportive, very, I don't, I say flirtatious, but just like, you're so beautiful. You're this, you're that. Like he's always, even when I know, like, my gosh, you know, I have bed head or whatever, but he can smile at me and be like, you're so beautiful.

Jenn Noble (05:03.106)

Mmm.

Carol (05:21.149)

I've always just pushed away like yeah, right like there's no way you can mean that and then after a while he was like You know that really does hurt because I do mean it I don't just say it to say it. I'm a blunt person I say how I feel and I'm not just saying it because you know I really do mean it and I want you to understand that I mean it and I want you to believe it so that kind of helped me change my approach a little bit to where

Instead of me automatically disagreeing and being like, no, yeah, right. Or like, yeah, right, I'm ugly or I'm this or I'm that. I would at least say thank you and then just stop. So instead of coming back with the rebuttal, I would say, well, thank you. Or I would say, I may not agree, but thank you for saying that. Like, thank you for the thought.

Jenn Noble (06:01.961)

That's

Jenn Noble (06:09.774)

What such a good starting process. So at least like you're able to fill his love bucket up, right? Cause he's giving you words of affirmation. And so for him hearing that that works well for you is a beautiful thing. And yet I can probably take a wild guess that you're not actually receiving those compliments still are you? It's like there's a wall up. Yeah. The thank you is for him.

Carol (06:18.619)

Yeah.

Carol (06:33.212)

not rolling. Yeah.

Carol (06:38.619)

Right.

Jenn Noble (06:38.68)

So he's giving you something and then instead of receiving that gift, right? You're immediately kind of like, well, what do I do with this? Toss the gift and then give him something back out real quick. Yeah. So you're not actually being able to receive that. And that's one of those things I really wanted to work on with you was getting to a place inside of you where we can really start to see, my gosh, not only does he love me, but I'm allowed to receive that love.

because then it could actually open up in so much more areas of your life. And it's not as easy as just saying, just receive it. Like, right? Like if we could just do that, I wouldn't need a whole program. But it's about breaking it down and getting through to the attachment wounds and the attachment needs that are coming up and to really showcase to yourself, I see. I don't feel worthy of being told I'm beautiful because when I have a bed head, I don't feel like I'm pretty enough.

Carol (07:13.924)

Right.

Carol (07:19.193)

End of.

Carol (07:37.357)

Mm-hmm.

Jenn Noble (07:38.882)

versus being able to see. And I know how you mentioned one time you want to see yourself the way he sees you. And that's what I love so much because right now you're not, right? He's like trying to hold up a mirror to you and you just see crackles everywhere. And you're just like, no, this is, I can't. But yeah, this is so important. That's why I wanted to bring this up and why I really wanted to chat with you because I think that there's a lot of women out there that are struggling with this in their relationships as well. And unfortunately,

Carol (07:45.38)

Yes.

Carol (07:55.534)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (08:08.78)

Some of them don't have the amazing partner that stays. And I can understand why he might leave because that's a lot, isn't it?

Carol (08:11.875)

Exactly.

Carol (08:18.376)

Yeah, it's pouring into somebody over and over and over and just feeling like there's a wall or being pushed back and and I've watched somebody else that I know in their relationship and their significant other would try to be very flirtatious to them and would say well hi pretty or you know little things like that and then she was always like you're gross get away from me and I was just like my heart sunk and I was like

Jenn Noble (08:44.622)

Carol (08:48.023)

wow, like I would have never, you I don't think she really meant that, but that was just her automatic response. And that made me think about, how am I responding? Because I wouldn't want to respond that way. You know, especially if they're going out of their way to say, hey, you know, and share their feelings and give you that compliment, like so many people crave, then, you know, I want to be more open.

Jenn Noble (09:10.436)

that actually, I love that you brought this up because it really showcases that like almost the different levels that you can have to receiving a compliment. And potentially why you and your husband are still doing a pretty decent job here is because to a level, Carol, you were able to actually not put it back onto him, right? You were able to at least be like, you know, like, I'm not that good. You know, I've got bedhead babes, please. But you didn't project your

Carol (09:36.51)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (09:39.95)

kind of distaste in yourself back onto him, which sounds like what she did. And this is so common as well. And I know why she's doing this, by her saying, ew, no, you're gross. Why would you do that? It's because in her body, she literally would think that anyone that thinks she's pretty is, there's something wrong with them because that's how little she thinks of herself. I've been there too. I've absolutely pushed things away and pushed my, you know,

Carol (09:44.031)

Yeah.

Carol (10:02.194)

Bye.

Jenn Noble (10:10.102)

my ex-husband away. I mean, obviously he's my ex-husband now, but you know, there are other reasons. But I was that way as well. It's like, cause you can't see it inside yourself. I had a partner in between my ex-husband and my now husband. And he had this really cool analogy that I wanted to bring up because you mentioned how you're pouring into someone and how there's like a wall up or something. And he explained it to me like this. He's like,

I was very anxiously attached in this relationship. was just like, nothing he did was ever enough for me, right? And at the same time, I also couldn't accept anything he would give me. And he's like, well, in the beginning of a relationship, I would try to pour into your cup and I would keep trying to pour, but you would be like, move it. So he would try to pour and I would move the cup. And so he was pouring, right? Like he was giving himself.

But I was like, I need more, I need more. I'm like, you know, holding my cup out all the time. And I'm like, please give me more. And he's like, okay. And he would pour it. I'm whew. And I'm like Lucy with the football or whoever takes the football away from Charlie Brown all the time. And he said, so after a while, you know, I was pouring 100 % of myself into you, but you would pull your cup away and then you would be 100 % empty. And you would ask like, hey, I need more. And I didn't have any more to give. So I started giving you 90 % and then 80 % and then 10%.

Carol (11:23.485)

Wow, that's scary that because that really resonates. It really does. And not because I don't think that my husband gives 100 percent, like especially during times of stress, you know, when we're going through a lot and he's physically depleted and mentally depleted. And then it's like, especially after a long day at work, it's like he doesn't have much to give. Now, there's just not much left to get because he's just so worn out. And because I have such

Jenn Noble (11:28.078)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (11:50.86)

Mm-hmm.

Carol (11:53.5)

Negative perception about myself or anxious attachment or whatever you want to call it, the anxious attachment side of me, I take it personal. Constantly. Like, it's me. What's wrong with me? Why can't you talk to me? Why can't you, you know, don't look, literally don't look at your phone and look at me. Well, I'm just trying to decompress for a few minutes. No, I don't want you looking at your phone. I want you to spend 10 minutes with eye contact looking at me and things.

Jenn Noble (12:02.9)

Yeah.

Carol (12:21.425)

things like that. mean, I'm just being honest and that's how, that's how I feel. And I just get my feelings hurt so easy. And not just with my husband, just in general, like I take things personal on from so many people, even strangers, like it's hard to explain, but a stranger can literally like, I can know they're having a bad day and they're not really mad at me, but they fuss because they're like,

say it's road rage or whatever, you know, I'm just caught in the middle, but I think it's me, so to speak. And I will, I'll say, no, it's my fault. And I'll find a way for it to be my fault. Well, I must have done something wrong. Like I must have deserved it in her mind. No matter what, I find a way to make it my fault.

Jenn Noble (12:56.908)

Yep.

Jenn Noble (13:03.851)

Mmm.

Jenn Noble (13:09.71)

I know we haven't gotten here yet in the program, but I want to actually touch on this if you're okay with that. Okay, great. So I, as you're sitting there talking, immediately heard three attachment wounds pop up right there. Did you hear them as you were saying them? Because it's just your general voice, right? It's just your general ideas. But did you catch them as they came up by any chance?

Carol (13:15.012)

Yeah.

Carol (13:30.339)

Yeah.

don't think so. no!

Jenn Noble (13:36.182)

No, that's beautiful. That's why I wanted to know because this is the thing. We're just this is why I love it when people just talk. I need to get them one on one half the time, because as soon as you start talking, I hear your subconscious and now I can pick up on your patterns. And so immediately right there, you said, it's my fault. I must have done something to deserve this. What did I do wrong? There's something wrong with me. So listen to those beliefs. Those are those are beliefs about yourself that I did something wrong.

Carol (13:55.36)

There's something wrong with me. Yeah.

Jenn Noble (14:05.536)

I always do something wrong. I mess up. I'm the failure. I'm the one that messes things up. Yeah. That belief inside of you is what's causing those personal feelings, right? It's because you have this belief that anytime anyone else is upset, you caused it.

Carol (14:25.069)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (14:28.054)

And there's a high chance, you know, and we can go here, not if you want to, I understand that this is a sensitive topic, but this is what we'll get into in the program. There's a high chance that when you were a child, you were made to believe that the way that you acted instigated how the people around you acted, right? Because, if you could just have been, you know, not as sensitive or not as annoying or not as difficult, then you would have made...

Carol (14:36.247)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (14:57.73)

your mom or dad or your grandparents or your aunts or uncles, whoever it is, life's easier if you just didn't take up space.

Carol (15:05.345)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (15:07.276)

Yeah. Is that resonating?

Carol (15:10.592)

Yeah, it is. And now that I know that I have had some healing take place.

know they were doing the best they could. Like I'm not blaming them. I know that they were doing the best they could. And that when I look back and I see what my own family and my own parents were going through at the time, they were doing the best that they knew. But in the middle of doing the best they knew, I felt unimportant. I felt like I didn't matter. I felt like nothing that I could say was important. Like did I even exist?

Jenn Noble (15:23.64)

exact

Carol (15:51.723)

And I've struggled a lot with feeling invisible still to this day is the best way I know to describe it. Like even when someone is actively talking to me, I feel like I'm not being heard. Like I know it's a belief versus the feel, the feel versus I believe, but in my mind I'm thinking they're not really hearing me. You know, they're not.

Jenn Noble (15:51.744)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (16:16.046)

Mm-hmm.

Carol (16:17.466)

really registering what I'm saying. Like they're not really seeing me. They're not really hearing me. And I still struggle with that with my husband a lot. And I'm like, did you even hear what I said? Because he's not, he's a good like verbal communicator, but he or should I say physical, like he'll give me eye contact, but he also is like focusing on other stuff. So if I'm like not completely, if he's not completely out of eye with me and like

Nothing else exists in the world. I'm like, there's no way you could just register what I say. And he'll say, yeah, you just said da da da da da da. And he repeats it back and was like, see, I heard what you said. But it's like I have a wall up and I'm like, no, you didn't. There's no way. And something, a comment that he often makes with me is that just because I don't react the same you do does not mean that I don't have feelings like you do. We don't have to have the same reaction.

Jenn Noble (17:01.558)

Mm-hmm.

Carol (17:16.028)

He tells me that all the time. And because I'm such an emotional, animated person and I do have anxiety and I do panic at times, he's more calm and he's more laid back. So it could be like, our child falls and hurts and he gets injured. I could be, no, we gotta rush you to hospital, know, panicking. And he could be like, it's gonna be okay.

Jenn Noble (17:19.861)

so good.

Carol (17:42.437)

We'll figure it out and I'm like, what's wrong with you? You're acting like it's no big deal.

Carol (17:49.925)

Well, no, we're just there's no reason to panic. Panic's not going to help. You know, he's going to be all right. We'll we'll get him checked out if we need to. And in my mind, I'm thinking he doesn't seem like he cares. At least that's what I think in my head. That's what it feels like. And I've said that. And it hurts him. But I've literally said in moments of being upset with him, well, you don't love me. You don't care.

Jenn Noble (18:04.918)

Yeah, no, but I

Jenn Noble (18:16.802)

you

Carol (18:18.362)

If you really love me, then you wouldn't, you know, you wouldn't say this or whatever, you know, I would come up with a reason. Well, you can't really love me. Well, why? You know, and I couldn't imagine somebody saying that to me. So the fact that I can so freely say that to him, that's one reason why I'm here. I know how supportive he's been. I know how awesome.

Jenn Noble (18:41.486)

It's like, sorry for interrupting, but it's like your logical brain knows how much he loves you, right? Like it really does understand, which is, I just gotta say, like, and I wanna really give you props for this and your body to say, I think there's a reason why you guys are still together and still going this strong because you are putting in the work to do this stuff. Like you are putting in the work. You keep going back up to your logic brain and you keep being like,

Carol (18:48.999)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (19:09.494)

I know he loves me. Great. Because a lot of people can't even get there. So I just want to say, like, that's on you. That's you doing the work. There's probably even a part of you that's pushing that away slightly than me telling you that. like, that is you doing that work. And so that's really, really beautiful. But yeah, he has a really good point. Because imagine if you heard that, you don't even care about your kids because you're making such a big fuss.

Carol (19:12.932)

All Thanks.

Jenn Noble (19:36.8)

Right? Imagine that, right? Something like it, cause it doesn't matter the action, but imagine somebody tries to qualify our action by telling us how we feel. That would hurt deeply. Yeah. But I understand why you, why you go that way with him because so many people really do have this idea of like, well, I would do this if I loved someone, if I cared for someone, I would send them a good night text. I would check in on them on their lunch break. So why wouldn't they do that to me?

Carol (19:44.998)

Yeah.

Carol (19:56.55)

Mm-hmm.

Carol (20:05.189)

Right.

Jenn Noble (20:05.314)

That must mean they don't love me. Then you question the person's love for you. But all that's coming from is that deep seated belief down here again that says something like, am unlovable. I am not someone that can be loved. And you heard again, like in your kind of train of thought, hearing things like, it doesn't matter what he does, I don't feel heard, I don't feel seen, right? And again, as we'll get into next week, those aren't feeling statements, those are perceptions. You don't think you're being heard, you don't think you're being seen.

So where are those stepping from? A deep-seated belief that you're invisible. Or maybe even deeper if we kept digging, which we will, you know, when we do more of our one-on-ones, we'll get into, well, what does it mean if you're not being heard and seen? What kind of a person isn't heard?

Carol (20:55.669)

A victim. Somebody who's hurting. that's... Somebody that can need help. Somebody that just wants to be seen.

Jenn Noble (21:04.406)

Yeah, and let's go a different direction too. If someone is not being heard, if people don't hear them, what does that say about that person?

Carol (21:14.86)

It don't matter.

Jenn Noble (21:16.399)

Mmm, there it is. Do see that?

Carol (21:19.725)

not worth paying attention to.

Jenn Noble (21:21.888)

Mm-hmm, and why wouldn't they be worth paying attention to because they don't matter Yeah, there's a deep belief in the literal core and your central nervous system that says I don't matter

which means you're gonna take things personally and you're gonna not be able to think you're being heard or being seen because why would anyone bother to listen to you? Why would anyone bother to see you? You don't matter.

Carol (21:50.689)

Right? So then it makes it easier to feel that way about everybody.

Jenn Noble (21:55.778)

Yeah, and we don't even realize we're doing this. When I talk about a belief, I am talking to your core. Like, do you know to your core that you are a woman?

Jenn Noble (22:08.462)

Right, do you ever question it? Like, do you ever go around thinking like today, like do do affirmations about like, I am a woman, I am a woman, I am a woman? No. Right, like you know what eye color you have, you know what hair color you have, you know what race you are. These are all beliefs, but that's what they are. But you also know things like you're a mother.

Carol (22:14.723)

No.

Jenn Noble (22:31.266)

Right? You know you are. You walk around with you. Yeah, you just. Yeah, good point. Yeah, I'm 38. That's a belief, right? Now we can start putting qualifiers on those, right? We could say things like I'm old or I'm young. Now we're starting to get into judgments. I'm a good mother. I'm a bad mother. Those can also be belief, but do you now see how they can start to cause judgments? And they're qualifying what we.

Carol (22:33.667)

That's a good job. You know, I'm 30 years old.

Jenn Noble (22:57.958)

are instinctually like in our core being. And somewhere along the lines, and we haven't figured this out yet in research, but somewhere along the lines when we are developing in infancy and to some extent even in our mother's womb, we are starting to develop these beliefs. We are literally starting to connect a belief with an action in our mind. So just being able to

believe something like I am bad or I am a burden or I am annoying. These like beliefs, they get into our body, into our brain, into our entire system, into our central nervous system. So then we have something like our stomach drops, you know, or my hands are on fire. This is the somatic response. And it's just that our neurons learn to fire and wire together in such a way that when this thing happened here,

our bodies now do this reaction. And now when your husband doesn't look up on his phone when you come home, you are not the Carol in the moment with your husband. Because if you were, you would just be like, babes, seriously, real quick, just give me your attention. No problem, two seconds, walk away. Instead, you're bringing in, what, 38 some years of neurons that have been formed in your body.

This is, mean, honestly, it's why they used to say like, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, you know, because these neurons have been firing wiring together for so long. But we now know about neuroplasticity, right? Neuroplasticity is just that really big fancy word for saying we can change.

Carol (24:42.671)

you can like remold or reshape your brain.

Jenn Noble (24:45.972)

Exactly. We can start. I explain this a lot in terms of like a cornfield. You know, do you are you familiar? Like, do you have cornfields around where you are? You've been in one. OK, I mean, I grew up in Ohio, so it's all corn, like all the time in a cornfield. My uncle used to have a cornfield in the back of his back of his house. But in a cornfield, you can make a path, right? You just push it down enough times.

Carol (24:52.935)

Yes.

Jenn Noble (25:07.308)

And then you just, that's your path. So now, you know, we have a path from my uncle's backyard, you know, into wherever like his little shed area is over there. And as kids, we could run around, we could hide in the corn, but you know, we weren't allowed to hide in the corn. We had to stay on the path. That's what he always said. Because he created that path and it was just a path that he created by slowly walking on it over and over and over again. And now that's the path where we go. And it's the same way inside of our minds. We've created these paths. So if we associate it this way and say,

there was a path built from the back door to a convenience store. We learned how to get to this convenience store as a child because it was something that we needed at the time. And it was great, it was wonderful, it was beautiful, and it protected us. And it was exactly what we needed in order to stay safe. We went to that convenience store. But now that's the pathway we've created. So now that's the only way we know how to go every single day. But now that convenience store, know, it's old, it's filled with like...

Twinkies and Yoo-Hoo's and frozen foods or something, right? And we want like apples and bananas and some chicken. Yeah, right. We know better now. So we know that we need this other stuff in order to maybe be a bit healthier. And we want to go there to that store. But that store is all the way over there and there's no path to get there. So what do we do when we wake up in the morning?

Carol (26:15.868)

Not all things.

Jenn Noble (26:33.89)

Do we decide we want to make the new path or do we just follow the old path to the convenience store just to get by?

Carol (26:39.002)

It's easier to follow the old path. It's a lot harder work to make a new one.

Jenn Noble (26:41.344)

Exactly. Thanks so much. But what's the cost of continuously only eating Twinkies for breakfast, lunch and dinner?

Carol (26:48.552)

Yeah, right.

Jenn Noble (26:51.468)

Yeah, and that's it kept us alive. It kept us going when we needed it. But it's not what we need anymore. So we have to take the time and the effort and the energy and it is so much work. Like I get it, but we have to put a new corn path down. We have to go to the new store and you know, so everyone's like, well, I did it. I made the new path. I went to the new store. But what happens the next morning when you wake up some of those corn stocks come back up, don't they?

pretty resilient.

Carol (27:22.102)

you because I've been on this healing journey for a long time since I first started working on my mental health and I've had some periods be better than others and some periods where I was a lot more kinder with myself and more understanding and then it's like stressful things happen, life happens and it's like the path starts getting worn down again. Like the old start coming back.

Jenn Noble (27:46.978)

Yes.

Yeah, you wake up in the morning, you're like, I have the energy today to make a new path to the store. here's, this is a beautiful example. Thank you for bringing this up. Because when we don't have direction, what's the very first thing I told us to do in the program? We have to set our goals and intentions, don't we? When we don't have a direction, when we don't have a place we are going, when you have all those other times, you woke up in the morning and you just went out your back door and you just randomly decided to go somewhere to go find a new store.

Carol (28:04.294)

Yes.

Jenn Noble (28:20.27)

And now maybe you had some direction every once in a while. You're like, I know I want to do this. So you tried a couple of times, right? But if we don't consistently go for it over and over and over again, our neurons just go right back to what made it familiar. And then we start reinforcing that again. And next thing you know, you wake up in the morning on a stressful day and you just walk right straight back to the path for the trinket. And because this path to the store was here and this path to the store was here and this path to the store was here, you just made your life three times harder.

trying to remember how to get to that path, how to get to that store. And no fault, right? Ever any fault, no blame. But it's why having that direction, why having that accountability, why having that person that can say, hey, are we going here? you're like, cause it's gonna happen. And it already even kind of happens.

Carol (29:07.001)

Yeah, that's what my husband has been for me. And that's why I think it worked for so long. And I try to be that for him as well. I mean, you we try to keep each other grounded. So if he's, you know, weak or tired one day, then I try to be stronger. And then we bounce back and forth, kind of like the, you're not going to be a hundred percent all the time. You know, you might have a 60 % day, but then the next day you'll have an 80 or a hundred. So you just give as much as you can as often as you can.

Jenn Noble (29:36.29)

Yeah, as often as you can. Yeah, and now, and now I want you to do that for yourself.

Carol (29:36.96)

And I think that we have both done that. Yes, I really do.

Jenn Noble (29:47.054)

I want you to get up in the morning. Yeah, right. That's why you're here, I know. And that's what we're gonna get you to because now you're gonna wake up in the morning and you're gonna give yourself. I know.

Carol (29:53.834)

emotionally. And I don't understand because like even in you know our groups and our group calls when we were talking I don't know maybe it was Monday night or Tuesday night when we were talking about feeling loved and knowing that you're loved and how emotional it just made me break down and I don't even I'm looking forward to finding out why you know why what are these

poor wounds, like why does that make me feel so emotional? Because it's not like I've never had support. It just means a lot. Just knowing, basically counteracting all the negative thoughts that I've had about myself. To hear the opposite, to hear, not the toxic positivity, but to hear that yeah, you do matter.

Jenn Noble (30:26.614)

Yeah, just hearing that.

Carol (30:51.064)

You are loved, you are cared for. And it's like my core or like you were saying about deep down fighting my logical brain because logically I do know that. I, my husband tells me that and I'm a Christian and I know God loves me and I have other family members or like my best friends. I love you and you're an awesome person. But it's like, I just don't believe it. It's like there's something there, there's a wall that keeps me from taking it in.

Jenn Noble (31:19.648)

Yeah, yeah. And that wall, it is just those neurons. And they're just trying to keep you safe because they got a little bit out of whack, you know, and they're just a little bit messed up. And they're a little bit like, no, if she starts believing this and that we'll get into this more later because I'm not totally sure what that is yet with you. I have to ask you more questions and dig really deeper. But whenever we are held back from this kind of stuff, it's because somewhere in our brains, it thinks it's keeping us safe. So the question I typically will ask people is like, well, how is this serving you?

Like how is this belief that you don't matter serving you? Or here's an easy one, this for most women, is like how is the belief that I am not enough serving you? And nine times out of 10 when I hear this is usually, well, if I thought I was enough, then I wouldn't go to the gym anymore, or I wouldn't work on my health. There! Yeah, so this belief is somewhere inside of you believing that this is what causes you to move forward. And hey, you know, we gave it...

Carol (31:49.112)

Mmm.

Carol (32:07.256)

Wouldn't strive for more. Wouldn't be looking for more. Yeah.

Carol (32:17.367)

Yeah.

Jenn Noble (32:18.966)

Maybe it works for some people. Great. But we gave it what? 38 some years? Is it working? No. Let's try something else. And that's what we're doing here. So I just want to go ahead and wrap up for right now this conversation. But we are definitely going to check in again at the end of the 12 weeks closer to Christmas time and see, hey, how is it feeling now when you hear yourself say you're loved? You do matter. You are important. And I see you and I hear you.

We're going to get you to a place where now when you're hearing that from me or from anyone, it's still going to kind of bring in that emotion. But potentially right now you're crying because it's just your body being like.

Like it needs that, you know? And then hopefully soon you're gonna be like, yeah, thank you. I do, I do matter. I am seen, I see myself now. I see myself for who I am and I love myself. And that's gonna be really good. I'd love to ask before we finish up, if you could give, if you're gonna listen back to this in 12 weeks time and you're gonna be hearing this, what do you wanna tell your future self?

Carol (33:05.112)

Yeah.

Carol (33:31.998)

Look, look where you are and look what you've done. You you took the risks to join the program, to make the time, to make the investment, but look what it has done. You have worked hard. You've looked inside yourself. You've really put in the true work to get better because you know that you matter and you have shown yourself that. And now you're going to be able to be better in your relationships and you're going to be able to

Let those that love you, love you more freely without pushing back.

Jenn Noble (34:10.222)

That just got me emotional. Thank you for sharing that. That's really beautiful. I want to tell your future self as well. I'm just so proud of you. I've just really already see how much growth you have. So I can only imagine how much further it's going to be. And it won't look like the way you think it's going to look, but it's going to be amazing. I'm so excited to see where we go with this. Thank you so, so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your heart this way. I think it's going to be so helpful, both for the people listening, but also for yourself.

Carol (34:28.194)

Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

Carol (34:40.013)

Yes.

Jenn Noble (34:40.315)

And it brings such a joy to my heart to just see the growth that is going to happen. So excited. I will talk to you again later. Thank you so much. Take care.

Carol (34:50.456)

Thank you. Thanks.

—--

Jenn Noble (00:02.996)

I just want to say thank you so much again to Carol for coming on and being vulnerable on the podcast and really sharing her story. It's not easy to get out here and do this. It's not easy to come up and say, hey, I'm struggling. I need help. And this is where I need help. And I just want to say again, she is just such a joy to have in the program, such a beautiful member.

brings so much to the group and all of our group coaching sessions. She's right there. She's supporting the other women. And that's the kind of women that I'm looking for for this program. We will be opening the doors again to the Relationship Reboot program in January. If that is something that you are interested in, please go ahead and let me know. You can also look for it on my website. It's a speak-honest.com slash relationship reboot or just

Check in with me at any time, send me a DM or an email and just say, hey Jen, I'm interested. We'll jump on a quick call together and we'll start that conversation. Because in order to be a part of a big signature program like this, this isn't one of those simple programs that, you know, it's $50, you grab one, maybe you do it, maybe you don't do it. No, this is intensive. This is a 12 week group coaching program.

where you are with us at least for two to four hours out of the week, right? We have group coaching, we have homework coaching, we have one-on-ones. And through this process, you will actually start to really see that shift in your relationship that you've always been dreaming of. And that's why I built this program. When I went through all of my deep healing, I felt like I was a chicken with her head cut off. I was all over the place.

trying to find help and I found a little bit of this and I found a little bit of that. eventually over time I started realizing, if we just put this together and this together and this together, what if, what if this could actually help women? Now, this is for women who maybe you're a little bit feisty, know, maybe you're a little bit like me. You don't want to have to change who you are to get that relationship or to keep your husband or to get your boyfriend to be interested in you.

Jenn Noble (02:14.644)

You know deep down that there's something special about who you are. You know, just like with Carol, like she knows that her husband loves her and she knows that she deserves more. And at the same time, there's just something holding her back. So if you are sitting out there right now and you're listening to Carol's story and you are just like, yes, there's something holding me back. I want you to reach out to me. I want you to come and join our free Facebook group. The link for the Facebook group is in the show notes or you can just search on Facebook.

for speak honest, secure communication for women, and it's gonna get you set up in our community. I want you to get to know us first. If you're just listening to the podcast, there's so much more you could be absorbing from us. We do weekly support sessions, we do interactive conversations in the Facebook group. I go live in there every once in a while and I just talk with people and I ask questions. We do Q and A's. So come on into the Facebook group, get started, and if the program is something that is interesting,

to you, I want you to just go ahead and let me know or just keep absorbing all this information until I open up the doors for our January cohort. So excited for that one to get started because it's going to be a new year. It's going to be an amazing time to really get that healing that you have always wanted.

So again, thank you so much to Carol for coming on and sharing your story. I can't wait to have you on again in 12 weeks time. And to anyone else out there, please join our free Facebook group. I will see you over there. Let me know you found me from the podcast. I'll give you a big wave and I will talk to you all next week. Take care.