36. Overcome the Fear of Vulnerability and Unlock Deeper Connections

Are you holding back from being truly vulnerable in your relationships out of fear of rejection or being misunderstood?

In this episode of Speak Honest, I dive deep into why vulnerability can feel so terrifying and how avoiding it might be keeping you from the meaningful relationships you truly want. I share practical steps for getting clear on your feelings and needs, allowing yourself to be vulnerable without overwhelming fear, and why embracing discomfort can lead to deeper connection. I even share a personal story about how vulnerability transformed one of my friendships, and how it can do the same for you! Plus, I’m inviting a few listeners to get coached for free on the podcast to help work through their relationship challenges live! 

You might want to listen if:

• You’re afraid of being vulnerable and it’s causing a disconnect in your relationships.
• You feel misunderstood or rejected when you open up emotionally.
• You’re unsure how to express your needs or don’t even know what they are.
• You want to overcome the fear of vulnerability and build stronger, more authentic connections.
• You want to hear Jenn’s real-life example of how vulnerability led to deeper understanding and support.

FIND OUT MORE!

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• Schedule your Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
• Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
• Interested in being coached on our show? Schedule with Jenn today!
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• Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
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• Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!

DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.

Transcript

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.  

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jenn Noble, your relationship coach. And on today's episode, we are going to be diving into how to overcome the fear of vulnerability in relationships. I'm so excited for this episode. I can't wait to get started, but first I want to talk to you about how you can get on this podcast with me and get coached for free. Yes. I'm actually looking for a couple of women in the month of October to come on to the podcast and get coached with a situation that they're struggling through, or just a life problem that kind of keeps them stuck. You know what I mean? Those situations, maybe you're having a reoccurring argument with your husband, and it's really holding you back from the relationship that you know you can be having. So go ahead and schedule in with me. You can contact me at Jennifer@speakhonest.com

Or just go ahead and scroll on down to the show notes, especially if you're an Apple podcast. You'll see it right there in the show notes is a link for you to schedule directly with me. Find a time that works for you. And let's jump on a podcast together and let's help you and let's help other women through your story, because if you've had a chance to go back through the podcast and listen to any of the conversations I've had with my other clients, you'll know how to do it.

impactful it is to be able to listen to someone else struggle through something that it is that you're going through. I know it's vulnerable, but that's what we're actually going to talk about today, which is overcoming the fear of vulnerability. So maybe after you listen to this podcast, you think I'm ready, Jenn, I'm ready. I want to overcome this fear of my vulnerability and I want to jump on a podcast with you. Perfect. I love it. Click on the link in the show notes schedule with me, or just reach out to me in my DM’s on Facebook. Get to know me first, if you want to. I love it, but let's go ahead and chat, but now let's get on with the episode. 

Hello everyone. So I want to talk to you today about overcoming the fear of vulnerability in relationships. Now, vulnerability is one of those words that we hear a lot, but it can be hard to understand what it really means. And more importantly, how to practice it in a way that actually strengthens our relationships. 

So let's start off with a question. Why? Do we fear vulnerability in our relationships? I want you to take a moment to reflect on your own experiences. Maybe it's the fear of being hurt or being rejected or misunderstood or that they're going to leave you.  See, for a lot of us, vulnerability feels like exposing ourselves to potential pain, and that's why we avoid it.

But in reality, vulnerability is where real connection starts. And so we are going to break down what vulnerability is, what it isn't, and how we can start being more vulnerable without feeling overwhelmed.  So before we dive into what vulnerability is, it's important to clarify what it isn't, because there's a lot of myths surrounding this concept.

First, vulnerability isn't always just about talking or sharing about your feelings. A lot of us think that being vulnerable means we have to constantly share every emotion that we're feeling right in our hearts, right at that moment. But that's not the case.  Sometimes vulnerability is simply acknowledging those feelings within ourselves. You don't always have to share out loud for it to be an act of vulnerability. It's about being honest with yourself first and foremost.  

Next vulnerability is not about forcing someone else to open up. Now this is a big one. We might think that if we're vulnerable, others need to match that energy right away. But forcing someone else into vulnerability, before they're ready, can actually damage the trust in your relationship. So it's about allowing the other person to be where they are and trusting that they'll open up when they feel safe. See, we can't rush someone else's process.  But now that we've talked about what vulnerability is not, I want to dive into what vulnerability really is because it's so much more than just sharing what's on your heart or being able to cry or any of that stuff. 

First, vulnerability is knowing what you need. It's about getting really clear with yourself. What are you looking for at this moment? Maybe it's some emotional support, maybe validation. Maybe you just need some space  and it can be uncomfortable. To admit our needs, even to ourselves, let alone to someone else. 

But recognizing those needs is the first step to being vulnerable. Next vulnerability is knowing how you feel. Often, we try to push our emotions down, either because, you know, we're told they're too intense or because we're scared of them. And vulnerability asks us to pause,  check in with ourselves and be honest about what we're feeling, even if we're not ready to share it with someone else yet.

It's about allowing ourselves to feel without the judgment of that emotion.  And lastly, and this is the hardest part y'all, vulnerability is about allowing rejection, abandonment, criticism, any of those big, hard, scary feelings. And I know, I know this sounds scary, but here's the thing. When you open yourself up, you risk being hurt.

That's just part of the deal, but vulnerability isn't about avoiding pain. It's about being willing to experience it, knowing that the reward is deeper connection and authenticity. It's accepting that you might not get what you want. Whether that's someone's approval or their love or their reassurance,  but it's about being okay with that vulnerability is strength, not because it avoids rejection or criticism, but because it faces those risks head on and still chooses to be open.

See when you're vulnerable, you're giving someone the power to hurt you. That's true, but you're also giving yourself the power to be seen. And that's where real connection happens.  But now let's talk about how to actually practice vulnerability because it's one thing to understand about how we actually start living it in our relationships?

The first step is to get clear on how you feel. Now this may sound simple, but can it actually be one of the hardest parts in this process? We live in a world where we're often told to push our feelings aside or put them down or they're too much or you're too sensitive.  But the truth is you can't be vulnerable if you don't understand your own emotions.

So take a moment, check in with yourself and ask, “what am I really feeling right now?” Vulnerability starts there.  If you don't know how you feel, it's almost impossible to communicate that to someone else.  So now the next step is to get clear on what you need. Once you know how you're feeling, you need to identify what you actually need from the other person.

So, do you need reassurance from them?  Maybe some space, validation, support, maybe just a hug.  Often we enter conversations without this clarity and that's when we get defensive or frustrated or resentment starts to build because we haven't defined what our needs are. Vulnerability is about being honest with yourself first so you can be honest with others about what you need.

And finally, and this is crucial, be okay with not getting what you want. Vulnerability doesn't guarantee that the other person will meet you where you are or react in the way that you hope they will, and that's  okay. Vulnerability isn't about controlling the outcome, it's about showing up as your true self regardless of what happens.

You might express your feelings or needs and be met with rejection. Or the other person might not respond in the way you had hoped,  but the power of vulnerability is that you're willing to take that risk, knowing that no matter the outcome, you're still being true to yourself.  Now, let me give you a quick example of this.

I once had to tell someone in my life that I needed more emotional support. I was going through something really heavy at the time, and my friend just wanted to keep going out with me. But I realized that I was starting to feel resentful that all she wanted to do was go to the bar with me and drink and she wasn't really listening to my struggles that I was going through.

So I got really clear on how I felt, which in the moment was frustrated and hurt. And on what I needed, which was more quality time and places where I could get really deep and share what was going on with me, but before I could communicate this to her, I needed to be okay, no matter what she said. So I found my positive feeling statements, which are the opposite of frustrated and hurt.

So for me, that was satisfied and good. And I realized what I needed so I could communicate to her. And I said to her, “Hey,  I love going to the bar with you, and also I'm really struggling with something pretty heavy right now. I would love it if we could just hang out on my couch this weekend, and I could really use a shoulder to cry on. Would you be down for that?”

Now, this was really hard for me in the moment, and I had to be okay with being rejected. I had to be okay if she said no. I had to be okay if she thought, I'm not fun anymore, I'm being too sensitive. And the thing was, she was actually really great. She said, “yeah,  I'll come over and bring a bottle of wine.”

Me opening up to her about what I needed allowed her to be herself and help me in a way that she wanted to. I maybe would have preferred her not to come over with a bottle of wine. So we could really just unwind properly and just really be able to dig into it. But then I realized. Well, I don't have to drink.

She can have whatever she wants, and she still wants to unwind, and she still wants to have a girly day, so let me respect that side of her, too. And I think I even went out and I got a cute charcuterie board with an amount of cheese and meats, because I know that she loves that, so we could have a fun night. 

See, I was vulnerable by sharing the hard parts of myself and allowing them to be rejected. And that's what vulnerability is.  Being vulnerable means embracing the possibility of discomfort, but it also means embracing the possibility of deeper connection and self growth. And that is what makes it vulnerable.

So powerful. 

So as we wrap this up, we have covered a lot about vulnerability. We've talked about what vulnerability is not. We've talked about how it's not always about talking or forcing someone else to open up or always sharing what's on our mind.  Then we explored what vulnerability is, which is knowing what you need, knowing how you feel and being willing to accept the rejection or the criticism that comes along with that.

And lastly, we looked at how to be vulnerable. Getting clear on those feelings, getting clear on those needs, being able to communicate them and being okay with whatever happens, even if it's not what you hoped for.  And the story I shared is a perfect example of how vulnerability can bring both discomfort and connection.

It's not easy. But it's powerful. It's about creating space for you to be fully and completely seen for who you are. And when you do that, you allow others to meet you where you are.  So I want to leave you with one question today at the end of this podcast that I want you to journal about for the week until we chat again.

And I want you to think about  when was the last time you held back from being vulnerable and what stopped you?  And now if you want to go ahead and explore that question with me here on the podcast, I would love to have you on the podcast. Go ahead and find the link in the show notes, schedule an appointment with me, and let's get on and talk about when was the last time you held back from being vulnerable?

What stopped you? And most importantly, what did it cost you? What are you not getting now in your life? What are you holding yourself back from because of your fear of vulnerability? Let's talk through that and go ahead and journal that with yourself this week. Jump in the Facebook group, talk to us about it on there and let's start the conversation.

All right, everyone. That's our episode for this week. Thank you so much for coming along on this ride with me. I will talk to you next week. Take care. 

As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there, and please remember to rate review and subscribe. If you enjoyed today's podcast, your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our.  Until next time, remember to speak up and Speak Honest.